struggles....

I was struggling today...

Company I am working for is called INSTACART and it  is changing. I am personal shopper and after I shop, i deliver items to customers for IC pay and for tips as well....  Pay has been lowered, our tips have been removed and there is more happening.. I am heartbroken over it.  When I started in January, my pay was about 25 dollars an hour, now it is about 15-19 dollars an hour,  But it is still ok. First time in my life I have been able to pay for rent and food on my own. Yes, it is  beginning of my "American dream" living, but i am more than happy to admit- this too shall pass. It is a entryway to something bigger that is waiting for me:) Just have to keep my chin up :)

Today was THE first time  IC threw me to the  curb, after I declined 7 dollars an hour shopping trips . I was mad because I did not meet my quota for a day to make rent money...  And I just calmed myself down and said, this too shall pass...

At that very moment, I felt pain physically crawling back to my body.  I felt Devil attacking me from left and right. I was about to break down and cry. But I decided to keep my shit together.. I headed to gym, started playing for my favorite worship music, and at that instance everything changed.

I casted my Worries on HIS shoulders....   I kept walking , and walking, and then did some mild jogging and before I knew I was running... And I did not feel any physical pain whatsoever...

I casted my worries on HIS shoulders....

It is what it is...

O . M . G. 
I am saying this with my high pitch voice.... So much is happening right now and has happened..


First of all..I want to tell you that 2018 was amaziiiiiing... LOT of self growth and  all the aspects that linked to that #MILLENIALSENIOR cakeshit growth are true....

I am 40 and embracing the pain! Pain is part of the process.. Like waking up every morning and figuring shit out how to get out the bed. And smile and all the lovely... If you know what I mean...\
 AND I am also embracing the LOVE.. LOVe from my #becomingchurch in Aliso Viejo, , LOVE from the best peeps in my life, LOVE I give to those I have never met, LOVE i get daily bases from all of you, LOVE THAT KEEPS GIVING.... LOVE never fails... THAT is why I LOVE...
 

FIND LOVE IN EVERYTHING ...  JUST LOVE....





And I think 2019 will carry even more power. A N D... I am in charge. 

I will speak less and H E A R more......#GOD #LISTEN #CURSE #WORSHIP #love

About me...

I had no plans to write tonight.  I had no plans to open myself even a little today. I  have felt overwhelming sadness today .......  I cried my out,  I spoke to myself.  And I pulled myself together........

But  I spoke to someone special today, and  before I was about to head to bed. Actually few times through out my today.  This person I spoke to- Brings calmness to my life.  It feels like noting but me, him and things that matter to me  and him exist...  It is so simple . And I love simple. But my life is nothing but simple.  It has been complicated chain of events since from the moment I was born..

How would Girl-excuse me---- WOMAN NOW- who was born in Estonia, end up in USA at age 38 single....  That is what I get asked every day I go out to order a coffee, or tee, or eat....

  And I love that people are curious, I LOVE QUESTIONS.  I LOVE telling them short version of my life story... Which is as follows:"I was born in Estonia, when I was 19 I met someone, fell in love, got engaged 2 months later, moved to NJ,  Had  one kid, then  moved to California , had second baby,  and  after I lost my daughter  - Daddy's girl , our sunshine, our  everything o multiple brain tumors after we all fought hard for 6 years-  life took me and my son to China... But we all know, what is BROKEN IN USA, you can't fix it in China...  So now I am back in California, my home and I am ready to stay :)......"

Yes this is the short version....If you want to hear long one , call me or message me, make coffee or wine time with me, and be ready for tons of tears...  But never , ever even try to judge me. My heart is made of steel...  It could crack, but it has ability to fix itself the ways, I thought  it is not possible, and still see good in everybody...

Right now at this moment, I am in my apartment. Staring at the ceiling while I am typing.  AND this  light fixture trio is installed crooked. And you know what It does not bother me. it still gives light the same way as it would have been installed completely straight.   And that is  how proud  I am of myself....   I do not let meaningless small things bother me anymore.. They used to... TRUST me, they bugged the fucking shitstorm out of me.  I was annoying as fuck. But it was because I was unhappy.  I was lonely,  and most of all..... I did not understand myself and love myself the way I was supposed to. At least now  at age 38 I am finally getting there... Journey is still not over... but I'm on my way...


OH.. btw.. haha..  One things I want people to understand... My SEXY accent is not reflection of me.   It is not my personality.   You should not trust me more because of my accent.  ....  I am person first, and luckily, I got a chance to travel the world and learn languages...   And  because I roll my RRRRSSS..,  and say my v and w's weird.....  does not mean,  I am  easy target.....

Get to know me and see beyond my accent... BUT I DO KNOW, couple of you who read this blog, read it with MY ACCENT... YOu know who you are, you told me so :D


   I want to wish you all lots of LOVE .   Live a little.. Take that  one chance you always wanted to... and don't regret anything ..........  Just love... and love returns...

From my little home to yours- Hug your loved ones today, tell them you see them and you care for them, and you love them......    .....  Tomorrow is not granted...... Now is the moment....

Never give up.

I don't want to fall in love... Not yet..  Not today..
I don't want to loose my mind, not yet.. not today..
I don't want to feel vulnerable -- Not today....

But I am getting there.  I am ready to let love in again. I am ready to look someone into their eyes again and love what those other eyes tell me, see what those eyes feed me, love what those eyes stand for... ...  And I am getting close to letting love in...

It feels freeing . It feels powerful, it feels exactly how I want it to feel.     It feels scary, but there was this saying I read long time ago from somewhere ,  " If it does not scare you, it does not challenge you."....  Let me tell you something...  I am scared, I feel challenged, I feel powerless, I feel intrigued, and I feel  at peace and this is exactly where I want to be... I want to be here and present and at peace with me....

 Yes, of course I have my questions, but every question ever asked will get an answer, sooner or later.  There is not rush anymore in my life.   I don't want anymore - "RIGHT NOW".. It makes no longer sense.   AT THIS point in my life ........-----I want  forever....   and for "FOREVER", I am ready to fight for . I am ready to take a step back and live and learn and observe.     Forever promises to be beautiful.  Just just like I am, just like he is... just like out lives are...  beautiful....

to feel and to be felt, to love and to be loved, to see and to be seen.... cherish these moments,, remember them,  and never forget them........ xoxo

Hurt and hurting.... ( My take in pain very narrow spectrum)

Pain is strange. It can be mental/psychological, physical, or just Pain  even though there is no reason for it( again... self created)...  Which means, we create pain for ourselves due to multiple different reasons... Some can't deal with relationship, some are needy in relationship, some are just needy.... But worst kind of pain comes from past losses.. even though one has dealt with past issues, time to time they will resurface and one ( like myself) has to deal with it again...   And sometimes it is absolutely fine to be in pain. It reminds us over and over and over again, that we are alive .  But one thing one has to learn , is how to deal with it, and not to let it get a way of living your life..

I am going to touch subject about guys again..  I wish I could call it topic about MEN, but apparently I keep meeting "wrong" men... Or broken men- as I would like to call them. I used to blame it on EGO, but I  gave up....

I Really , Really, really do know what I want in "OUR" relationship  ( whoever you are out there  meant for me).

*Honesty- DOn't wait me to ask questions... volunteer tell me your story-- please.. it's an order
*trust- trust me when I tell you something... I will never prove my point.....  It's not worth it...
*Respect- respect my point of view , and don't question it....
*Compassion- Be kind, be compassionate... It will make you feel good....
*Empathy- it's not all about you.. we all have different experiences in life... Be aware...
*Humor- Laughter makes a world go around....  Humor makes everything better
*Sarcasm.--- That's  my second language
*Open Mindedness-  I am world citizen....  I have been to places, I have seen things, I have experienced things, and so on....  "I" in this sounds like EGO speaking... but I here is also is ME...  I will never be the person I was few days ago, because I am constantly evolving till I am aware of me :)  

SO.. THERE YOU GO...  NEVER be in pain again.  Live the life the way it works for you... And if someone tells you,  you are unhappy or wrong.. It means you are in different level from them... OR their ego is stuck somewhere... But don't get   mean....

Life the life that is assigned for you...


Recognize the pain you once were in, and never allow it to come to your life again....

move on...


Lots of love ..

DST

Wohooo.

It has been hell of a 22 days in California.. Friends, tears, laughter, confusion,  WTF moments , and plenty- let me just roll my eyes  moments...

Today I did something I have been scared to death to do...  Thanks to my friend, I signed up to do pilates..  I don't even know why I did it, but she was so convincing ( because she is fucking Gemini).. SO  I signed up, and showed up. ANd the moment I showed up, I almost excused myself and ran away.  In my mind I was like.. NO FUCKING WAY, I am going to use that table to get myself to get the best shape of my life...  THAT table looked worse than birthing table at hospital... or Tables at abortion clinics...    WHen you give birth you just push few times and its over,,,,, abortion clinic ,you get amazing drugs, lie at the table, stare at the ceiling, and then its over... ONLY work you have to do is deal with your emotions after that...  

I am sure my facial expression at the room was like- WTF  I ain't doing this... It looks like I am going to hurt myself and will never ever recover from it...  I was horrified... ANd then I saw all fucking fit  mellow bitches walking in with faces like_ WE LOVE IT, this is peace of cake... ..... And I was standing there like... SURE....   I got this too.. WATCH ME.. I GOT THIS...

AND then,  Boss lady, put on her microphone turned on music and everyone took positions like they were pros... ANd I was just faking it...

 BUT, this faking IT was not that easy... I actually had to put on some work...   Well, it is easy to fake an orgasm, if guy is horrible... Just flex some cervix muscles, make some uuhh, ooh sounds and  pretend like you are having a good time......     THIS PILATES WAS NOT ONE OF THOSE FAKE IT TILL MAKE IT....  NO WAYZA...

 I actually had to commit to it for 50 minutes...      Are you kidding me  50 fucking minutes of pain....   But the same time, all I heard in my ears was instructors soft voice.....  CORDS are not on control, you are on control, YOu are controlling your moves.... Take charge girls...  You got this.....

And she was fucking right... I got this...  At one point I thought I am going to pass out.... So I just stepped off the table, and took a breather... But then I heard that voice again-- AND I FOR SURE GOT THAT SHIT...

And when it was done...  I just stood there for a moment, and thought to myself...  What the fuck did I just do?  DID I really last for that long, and I finished it? ME , are you serious?   I almost split myself in half, almost threw up, almost cried- but I kept pushing and finished it... With little whoopsy doopsy dooos here and there.. but I did it... ANd In my mind I was doing the best happy dance I could do.

I still hated my friend because she said it would be fun.......  And now I know what she meant... Rest of my day was fun... I was energized( but in pain) , I was happy( but in pain), I was singing ( still in pain)... And most important thing... I can't wait to go back and have another 50 minutes of pure pleasure...  

I am in control......

Peace, love , happiness and light to you all....

Naija adventures...

Sorry, I have not been active, but everything has been crazy over here... Work, maintaining relationship,  electricity issues, keeping myself safe, quality time... Kory still calls it vacation, but there is nothing about vacation past couple of months.. It has been constant work.. He has to snap out of it, and call it what it is.

I tell you honestly... End of the day.. I just want to fly to USA, and shower there, and then fly back...    But I am who I am, I am used to less, and there is nothing to complain about. In the end of the day, we got few hours of electricity, gas stow with tank,  little bit of running water, clothes to wear and roof over our head..   I can handle it well.. no wahala.....

GREETINGS FROM LAGOS, NIGERIA

I  have been in Nigeria in about 12 days. This experience is incredible.  My man keeps asking me , if I want to go back to la, and I'm like, no way. NO WAY, I want to leave right now. i don't have enough stories to tell. Something tells me, I have to stay here for a long time, ... 

I feel like I am at home. it is hard to describe why, or how, but one thing I know,  I feel the best I have ever felt.  I have no longing for something else, And I am not in a hurry anymore..

my mind is at peace and my heart is happy..

xoxox

When hell breaks loose...

FIRST I would LOVE to mention, that today 3 months ago , I met the person  who completes me in a way nobody has ever been able to do...  It has been  interesting journey with ups and downs, but we are still here, still loving each other and still seeing- what future holds for us.  Love him to pieces. ANd cant wait to see him in few day. Month ago we said-- OMG month apart from each other, and now... it is like. WHERE THE FUCK DID THE TIME GO... 

HE is IT.  He is my Yangster. and I'm his Yingster

For years to come.

3 AMAZING MONTHS .... MORE TO COME

When It comes to love - I am having the best year ever, but  Universe is again testing me. And I am not loving it. Second time this year-  I get violently ill. First time , it was right shortly I quit smoking.. about 2 months and 2 weeks ago. I thought I was about to die.  But survived... WILL NEVER SMOKE AGAIN IN MY LIFE. never...... done 

And now... COuple of weeks ago started having pain on my back. did not know what.  It was just pain. Did not pain much attention to it. it travelled all the way to my mid back, near shoulder blades..   I was still fine. 

I handle pain well. physical, emotional.. name it.  its ok...

BUT.. then one morning I woke up with numb left arm.  

 I took a deep breath in.  and said. This too shall pass.  Im fine. Its just  whatever, pinched nerve.

 Next day, it got worse... I waited 4 days - before seeking help...   ANd  the moment I did get help, pain was 40% reduced.  THank you friends who  guided me right direction.  It was my first acupuncture  appointment today, and I am believer. 

My left hand is still numb, but pain is  reduced tons.

Have to keep up with this program for few days....  Well. at least 7. Because on  15th will fly to Guangzhou..

From there will fly to Who knows where....  Amazing ... Everything I have ever wished for is coming true... Sad thing is.. 

 I wished for a slim body few years ago... Universe still keeps telling me-- mhmhmh... its not your turn... So

It is challenge..

Have to change my diet  around completely, because I can't work our for a while, or I could possibly go blind,  loose hearing, and loose my memory.  

I did not listen to my body, and  this is what happened.

Listen to your body

It is all you need 

to live your life

.... 

D.T

But I did not do it all alone. I had few friends who came to my rescue when things got tough.  My Man KORY, LIN, REBECCA, ZIRA,   AIM,  CARMEN, NICK ,  MY SON GABRIEL.

I am grategul for this.
Our family, and extended family, and friends have gone through a lot because what our family has experienced... ANd I am grateful, they are still here to this day :)

Stay focused, and choose your battles well. ... 

 ALl  I can say is after all this- I  am still living the best life, I am alive.  

And I am living the life now with the person I  think was supposed to be in my life for years to come..

ANd He IS HERE :)

Embrace.

Every day is a gift

Every moment is counted.

xoxoxo

Girl Child Africa.

I want you to do something for me. Something  I have heard lot over the years and it just made me cringe , because I was to once mother of a daughter.   And could not imagine this happening to my babies.  I want you to trust me on this, and please don't run away the moment you hear word Nigeria. Not everybody is thieves, not everybody is out there to get your  ass... Not everybody is killer , or hater.   Think about your country, and how foundations work there.  Think about how much money goes to pockets of finding fathers there...  So  trust me when I tell you, money you are about to donate will change the lives of many girls in Nigeria and maybe in Africa in general.  Think about better life quality, think about how well your kids are doing in school, think about how child  molesters  can be tracked, so our kids are safe.    Just think about for a moment if you did not have it .    How would you protect your  daughters/sons ?  There is time for change in this fucked up world.   It might not happen today, but  one step at a time. So just be open minded, and compassionate.

Please  look at these links I am posting now, and share them with everybody. Look at videos, do some research.    Lets help them all together.

https://fundanything.com/en/campaigns/girl-child-africa

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6tjdHk4crI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIhDO58JcQw



I really would not share this with you all if I did not believe help is needed.   Think about it this way...  one bottle of good wine costs 20 to whatever amount of dollars...  Skip one bottle tonight or tomorrow...  and  give that amount to this campaign.   You have no idea how much that would help.   You are going to make a change in someones life.  :)    Spread love, care, be compassionate.  If you have any questions please message me or comment this blog...

BUT please do me one huge favor. If you can't help, share this post with anybody you can.

Lets give these girls Their VOICE....


I love you guys....
PS.. Im heading to Nigeria/Naija soon...    You will get updates one day from the source.....

I am happy.

This blog, is really all about my feelings and thoughts and things I believe in. SO one day I might be little pissed, but the next day totally normal.  It is all part of figuring things out .   Past few days I got couple of emails from people telling me, that they are happy to see me back and blogging.  I had no idea people missed my  stories.  BUT, HEY YOU... I AM BACK FOR REAL.. Be ready for  some sad, happy, fun stories, and please contact me personally, if you have questions. Don't go behind my back spreading rumors that carry no weight. Ask before.

But anyway. I am Happiest I have been for years.  I am in love and I  Love same time. I am at peace and I am content.  I am in a relationship so strong, that it had me question every other relationship I have ever had before.  This relationship that started out with situationship, but turned into this amazing worldwide  Relationship. From usa to china, from china to USA, and soon from china to Nigeria. Love found me again.  I was not ready, I did not look for it, but I had put it out to Universe, that I need someone amazing, someone who mirrors  me, someone who likes same things as me and someone who sees me.  My life is wahala free and I am so so so happy, that he took a chance on Us.

 Lot of you have been concerned about my well being.  Well, please don't be.   When I first started telling people couple of years ago that I AM GOING TO NIGERIA ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, I was  laughed at. I was told I will be raped, and  pimped out, and  most likely will disappear without a trace. And I was like. Oh bitches please. You don't know what you are saying. Do your research. You can  loose your kidneys here in China as well, You can get shot in usa , so. PLEASE,  don't feed me this shit. There is  terror everywhere in this world. You are not safe anywhere.  SO drop it..

But they did not. I kept hearing more and more how stupid I am to believe I will survive there( i don't know if I will, and its ok), but one thing I know. I am supposed to go there.  You know that feeling that you have in you...  That it will happen, you don't know how, but IT WILL... and then it happens...  and you don't know how you made it happen. It is amazing.

If I had not met Kory, i'd go there through other channels. I wanted to go and volunteer there. But he came along, and everything changed. Everything fell into place.   I told him couple of times that he Saved me. I really feel like it.  I am not easy to tame, and he managed it somehow.    Unbelievable  how one person can make you feel.   He is really the most amazing person in my life ( my son also, but it is all different)














His hand is mine to hold rest of my life...


Later today I will write another topic close to my heart, and please  don't turn away .. Read it, look at trailers, and SHARE .. PLEASE share that story...     Read it with open mind, and send that link to all your friends. I would not do it, if I did not trust the source.   That story will change your life.  And open up your minds even more....

Kory In CHina

When Kory was here in China, we had so much fun. I flew to Beijing to greet him there. I love Beijing It is afterall my first home in China. I love everything but air quality about it... I can handle beijing traffic. Its ok. Not the worst. Comparable to 405 or 5 traffic during rush hour.. But In Beijing it is all day long like that.  Anyway- we had so much fun. Great wall, forbidden city, Hutong tour,  Sanlitun bar street, few restaurants here and there,  of course Beking Duck,  Jade factory, Silk factory.. From there on we moved to Hangzhou, where I live.

We did not do much here. Just Chilled.   Seriously- his whole trip to china was chill- with few ups and downs.. Come on- we were together in china 24/7 for 2 weeks... and we did not kill each other. There were moments I could not breathe- I had to go out and take a breather.. but it was not because he was here. It happened because-- I was not sure what was happening. Were we in a relationship, was he using me, were we in a situationship, what the fuck were we doing.. It just got little overwhelming  at times, and I did not know how to handle it...  But one thing I knew, I had fallen him really hard.    I could see future with him, and I still see. .... So  those downs... They were in a way clarity moments.. THose were those dark corners everybody is talking about, those were moments, that made us stronger.

From Hangzhou we flew to Guangzhou for a while.  It was just to check out how things r in there- keeping business in mind....

From there on we got back to Hangzhou and enjoyed our time here.... I created slideshow with photos  on youtube... Seriously.. I am having the time of my life, and I dont want this ever stop....  He is my person...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0PvdGK5Q10

and another slideshow of his adventures here in China..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9fxftj7ns4



I am enjoying this adventure to the fullest... Only time will tell.....

Enjoy it all

Few months ago I told myself,  I'm fine on my own, I am fine without meaningless relationship, I am fine without love in my life.  And I was fine. After my divorce few years ago  I really thought I am done with everything, but you know life has different plans, and I fell once hard for someone. ANd I am glad I did.  After that I had few mediocre fun situationships that lead me to HIM.

He entered my life when I did not want anything like him.  I had already made plans for life, I had accepted that I will do my thing till the day I die. had plans to move back to California, get few cats, maybe Pitbull... etc..  I was not looking for a boyfriend, or someone to fall in love with. Along the line I realized guys are drama, and I wanted to stay away from it all... But then miracle happened...

 Sometimes in December I signed up to  Tinder... Just because, I knew I will travel to USA and  I was on a mission to find few dates here and there, to see what is available, because  I planned to move back to Cali in october.. and I wanted to see if there are guys available at all.

Well,  funny thing is.. I told myself, I really want to have nice WHite boy for a moment. Because In china i only dated Africans( not african americans).. And I was kind of tired of the game, and talk. But same time, I was not even sure what I wanted...


SO TINDER.... oh.. I had about 40 matches within 4 days..  But I only kind of chatted with 4 guys. Rest of them were not even what I was interested.. Was just playing the field to see, what hooks...
Lined up 3 dates... They were not horrible. They were just what I did not need.    First guy I only chatted for 10 minutes, then stood up and said sorry, Can't - we want different things....
Second guy, was leading all wrong way... FUll of shit...  I know game when I see game....

Third guy... He was actually acceptable... and something I could handle, but  I realized,  he  too only wanted something else, and was just saying all sorts of things to lead to one thing...   whatever....


ANd then... One night...  after I picked up my Best friend from LAX, we were both swiping again. After my last date, I told myself - I am so done with it...  I keep attracting what I dont need, and it is getting little annoying to be honest...    SO there I was  and I took my last swipe... and there was match...

I was like... really?  like why? I am leaving USA in 3 days to China, and i got a match and we gonna have coffee in morning... And at that point I did not know  He had Aafrican roots..  I just knew he was charming,  the way he communicated ,was smart and I was  intrigued....

So in morning I woke up, sent him message, asking him.. he is still up for us meeting, because I had a feeling, he had changed his mind....  

I literally felt it. I felt like he was in between .. But thankfully, i messaged him, and it made him actually show up...

We were  supposed  to Meet at Starbucks....  BUT my navigation did not take me there. It gave me different address. And so I called him and said, sorry.. it is not working out fine .  I don't know this area, but I am in front of coffee bean.. and can we meet here..    And we did....

ANd the way we met was interesting....  I was on one end of store and he was at the other, and he called me , where I am at, and  I answered...   He was in one end of store, and I was in the other, and the moment I answered the phone .. We both kind of stepped out behind the corner and saw each other... ANd something in me went YUP.... HE IS IT.........

I can't explain it... I just new... I NEW...  Maybe he did tooo... BUT  something in me cracked...  and it had not happened since 2013.    AND he was not even something I wanted in my life.  TOTALLY opposite what I was asking from God.  But I guess GOd new what works for me, and He was right... It has been perfect mix of everything.


We have our challenges..But such is life...   There is no rainbow without rain....  To Be continued.....

Missing the one....

Worried Sick...

I'm worried sick.. K is in Naija,,, and SICk as fuck.. So , Im over in Hangzhou.. Helpless, can't do much but hope this shall to pass....
 Sending all my love to his way.......... xo

Wize wordz

Dont settle for less....

What i mean is.... Every day we get hit by tons of meaningless words... And it is our job to make sense of them.  Every time In my life i have dated someone- I have heard from them _ I LOVE YOU words...  I have responded to there words only about 2-4 times.. and really meaning them... why I say  2-4 is because ... I was not sure  i felt what I said.... But since i was 16 years old I have heard I LOVE you more than 20 times...   COuld be even more than 30.. I don't know...    Words mean nothing to me.. actions do.. and if I love I LOVE HARD... I fall hard and recovery will be hard also... BUT I D O   NOT  use words to lead in a wrong way...  

All I know is.. I have loved, and I have lived ... and I have settled.. ANd Iam so ready to settle again with somone .. SOmone who will compliment my life... somone who will be my bestie for rest of my life.....  I have and idea who.. and i hope its him..But I am trusting timing . If it happens it  happens... If not.   it was not meant to be...

There  are no losses or wins in this adventure.. All we have is this MOMENT.... I don't know what will happen in 5 minutes...    Enjoy the moment ... Enjoy your journey.   just live just breathe  just BE....


I know now -- I LOVE someone... And i hope i will not be disappointed by his actions....

WOW

Here I am again. I haven't blogged for a while... I can't access couple of my blogs in some weird reasons.. SO, Im going to use this one to update what the fuck is happening in my life.

long story short... I'm super fat, fattest I have been for years. I'm about 82 kilos...  Last year on my Birthday I broke  couple of bones around my tailbone... Refused surgery...  Could not work out for months...  Then I just got comfortable..   And decided, I don't give a fuck about this worlds fuckery.... Just do my thing... Then --- I kind of injured my ankle, then got shingles,  and after that.... I met love of my life...  Weird how things work...

 Last time I was in love it ended bad.. And I told to myself- I will never fall in love again.. .But... He came- and changed my life for better.I don't know if it will last for  rest of my life, but for now-- He is all  I want....

I met him when I was not looking  at all.   He is exactly what I have been looking for.   Everything to the point...   lets say 98% of what I have been  waiting for...

But to be honest.. It has been hell of a few years...  I'm finally calm, quiet, and centered. It took a while for me to get here. Tons of soul searching, tons of tears, tons of upset moments and tons of  eyeballs...

But I'm still here standing...

My life is not easy. People think it is. Most of them see me as  Kept Woman...  Good for them...   Think what you want...  I don't own anybody any explanations.  All I know is... Life is great. And   if you loose yourself in this brutal game.. Get your mind on it, and work your ass out of the mess you created to yourself....  

been there , done that.. Never again....

...

so yeah.. I met him when I was not looking. I was already 78 kilos, not looking, not wanting to fall in love. But the moment I saw him-- I knew  He is it for now... Now could be forever, but I don't know, so I keep my mind open ...

..
Everybody tells me to be careful...  Pretty much 99% of people I know.. And I'm like.. I was careful all my life.. I am done being careful.. I take my chances...  Because, if Donald becomes president, we all will be fucked anyways...  SO.. I am taking my chances..  He could be married somewhere.. I don't know.  As long as I don't know ... I am fine...  But till then, I enjoy this ride with Him.  He makes me smile, and laugh and dream big.  So.. this is good for something..

 So far everything in my life has been Great for something...  And I leave it with that....  So much to tell.. But it is all about timing ..  when Time is right.. I will tell...

#love #ankuri#dreams