Long Distance

As I am sitting here in my apartment, in my comfortable king size bed,  covered in 100% silk sheets and comforter, listening to my favorite West Africa tunes, all I keep is wondering.  How to keep fire alive on long distance relationship on your late 30... I will be 38 years old this year, and  I am not even sure why I actually committed to LD relationship.   I had so many amazing people before in my life wanting to have relationship with me, and I pushed them away asap. And now He comes along, and I am like. YUP.. I wanna commit to it 100% . And I am. But what keeps me up at night at times is question.  WHY is he the chosen one? Why do I feel so strongly about him? Why I don't have any doubts that this will not work out?  And only  answer that comes to my mind is- Trust your inner voice.  It never lies. It will be difficult, but it will be worth it.  ANd before waters calm down, there will be few storms along the way.

I just had fun conversation with one of my friends today...  one of my favorite saying is...  If He is not who he plays out to be- there is this amazing thing called KARMA, and it has gigantic dick... I swear it does. Believe me when I say TRUST ME..... And Mr. Karma goes , and it Fucks him in the ass. literally.. and He will know exactly why he got fucked in the ass...  So . There you go.  I ain't worried....

 So I am not really  worried about this.. WHat I am worried about is. He is a man. He is surrounded by amazing females. Yeah, if he is good man, he will flirt, have few drinks here and there, and thats the end of it.  But  I was married to one amazing man for 14 years ... right???   Had long distance relationship.  and all. Trusting 100% till I could not anymore and then things fell apart.  And Because of that I know how things are for most of guys.  If I was in my 20s I would believe shit. Now , i listen, make mental notes, do my research and  lay it all out, and walk away. .

And Now I want to trust with all my heart, but that little % keeps telling me.. "Bitch  please get your shit together, and just take him as SPECIAL friend, snap out of it, get a cat, and pitbull  write tons of books and live happily ever after."

And I am fighting hard not to let that little voice in my head win.  So, I am doing everything to keep me busy not thinking about it.  and I already know one important thing- He has given me something nobody else ever has done before. He slowed me down. No other man after my divorce have  had that ability.    He came to my life on right time. I was already committed to quitting smoking, and now I am already 2 months smoke free,  I have cut down alcohol consumption tons, and I don't party anymore.  I have cut out pretty much all my party "friends", It just was not worth it.  I am so calm and quiet , it is scary even to myself.  I am concentrating all my energy towards making it work. Trusting, staying centered, staying calm.  Staying true to myself and to my feelings. I will do it till I feel like it is disturbing my life in a way, I can't function.

It is scary feeling to see our future with someone, but same time you are not with that person . You worry, obsess, dream, and care to the point ones heart hurts. In this case, mine-- my heart is hurting, it is vulnerable.  I opened it up , and at any given moment it can start receiving stabs.  And I have to be ready for it. Take it like a QUEEN and grow from it.  But I signed myself up for it, and I want to see how far can it take us.

SO even though I can't be with him physically, we are still on this journey.  IT could end tomorrow, or day after, or it can last for a lifetime. I don't know.  I have to be ready for it all. and I think I am.

We all deserve the best in this world, and I already have the best life, just hoping He is the Best person to join in and celebrate life...  But .. will take one step at a time, and see where our journey takes us.

I know I love Him. But at times it is not enough.


I am high of Love....

WOW

Here I am again. I haven't blogged for a while... I can't access couple of my blogs in some weird reasons.. SO, Im going to use this one to update what the fuck is happening in my life.

long story short... I'm super fat, fattest I have been for years. I'm about 82 kilos...  Last year on my Birthday I broke  couple of bones around my tailbone... Refused surgery...  Could not work out for months...  Then I just got comfortable..   And decided, I don't give a fuck about this worlds fuckery.... Just do my thing... Then --- I kind of injured my ankle, then got shingles,  and after that.... I met love of my life...  Weird how things work...

 Last time I was in love it ended bad.. And I told to myself- I will never fall in love again.. .But... He came- and changed my life for better.I don't know if it will last for  rest of my life, but for now-- He is all  I want....

I met him when I was not looking  at all.   He is exactly what I have been looking for.   Everything to the point...   lets say 98% of what I have been  waiting for...

But to be honest.. It has been hell of a few years...  I'm finally calm, quiet, and centered. It took a while for me to get here. Tons of soul searching, tons of tears, tons of upset moments and tons of  eyeballs...

But I'm still here standing...

My life is not easy. People think it is. Most of them see me as  Kept Woman...  Good for them...   Think what you want...  I don't own anybody any explanations.  All I know is... Life is great. And   if you loose yourself in this brutal game.. Get your mind on it, and work your ass out of the mess you created to yourself....  

been there , done that.. Never again....

...

so yeah.. I met him when I was not looking. I was already 78 kilos, not looking, not wanting to fall in love. But the moment I saw him-- I knew  He is it for now... Now could be forever, but I don't know, so I keep my mind open ...

..
Everybody tells me to be careful...  Pretty much 99% of people I know.. And I'm like.. I was careful all my life.. I am done being careful.. I take my chances...  Because, if Donald becomes president, we all will be fucked anyways...  SO.. I am taking my chances..  He could be married somewhere.. I don't know.  As long as I don't know ... I am fine...  But till then, I enjoy this ride with Him.  He makes me smile, and laugh and dream big.  So.. this is good for something..

 So far everything in my life has been Great for something...  And I leave it with that....  So much to tell.. But it is all about timing ..  when Time is right.. I will tell...

#love #ankuri#dreams