struggles....

I was struggling today...

Company I am working for is called INSTACART and it  is changing. I am personal shopper and after I shop, i deliver items to customers for IC pay and for tips as well....  Pay has been lowered, our tips have been removed and there is more happening.. I am heartbroken over it.  When I started in January, my pay was about 25 dollars an hour, now it is about 15-19 dollars an hour,  But it is still ok. First time in my life I have been able to pay for rent and food on my own. Yes, it is  beginning of my "American dream" living, but i am more than happy to admit- this too shall pass. It is a entryway to something bigger that is waiting for me:) Just have to keep my chin up :)

Today was THE first time  IC threw me to the  curb, after I declined 7 dollars an hour shopping trips . I was mad because I did not meet my quota for a day to make rent money...  And I just calmed myself down and said, this too shall pass...

At that very moment, I felt pain physically crawling back to my body.  I felt Devil attacking me from left and right. I was about to break down and cry. But I decided to keep my shit together.. I headed to gym, started playing for my favorite worship music, and at that instance everything changed.

I casted my Worries on HIS shoulders....   I kept walking , and walking, and then did some mild jogging and before I knew I was running... And I did not feel any physical pain whatsoever...

I casted my worries on HIS shoulders....

Free yourself...

What is your freedom?

How do you see yourself, vs how your peeps see you?

my thoughts tonight are simple...

My  peeps see me stronger than I appear...  

Why...

Because...

 I forgot to show me and my weaknesses.. Because I forgot how I talk to myself  is important........

on my own....

I had very quiet day today.   I only spoke to 1 person  on phone today, and thats how my days mostly are.   I chat a lot, but I keep it to myself.   I almost feel like I am starting to lack people skills, which is not true of course, but silence really is golden sometimes.
  People at times are afraid of their own thoughts, but I am not anymore.. I used to be. I was terrified to think....  and it took me a while to get me out of that phase..... yes... Years ago, I did not want to think, and escaped  my space and spent it with those I recognized were on the same boat with me...  But that was temporary.

What I really was thinking today when I did what I wanted to do was...
I woke up sick. My body hurt,  I could not breathe,  I could not even have a sip of water without having tears in my eyes, was-- I thought to myself...  This is just a fluke, just another test, I have to rise above it, I can't be sick, because only person who can take care of me is me.

OH, you have no idea, how much I wanted to just lay in my bed and wait it out, Hoping pain will go away, hoping someone will come to my rescue.. But in this case,  that only someone is me.  I pushed me out of my bed, made me hot tea,  turned on some relaxing Native American music and just took tons of deep breaths in and then let some out...  and i did if for about some 40 minutes maybe. Well...  I felt better for sure, but it was all in my mind. I WAS IN CONTROL OF ME...

At one moment, I just told myself- get your ass up, and leave your space. GO out there, go to the place that gives you peace... ANd I did. I took a long hot shower... Water hitting my face and body felt divine.  I stood at shower my face facing shower head.  .. I don't know how long I stood there, but it felt like eternity.   I was touching myself all over me, and all I could think was- Damn, I feel good, my curves  are all in right places,  and my mind is shifting into something I always wanted it to be--- In my space..  ANd I felt in control of my present situation.   I felt beautiful, and alive , and blessed...... after that  I just cleaned up and   I went to Laguna beach...  I spent 2 hours there.    Just people watching.. with my purple hair and pilates pants.... And sculls tank top.      I love ocean, but same time I am so scared of it and that is why I always end up in there... Just Like I am with forest... I need to be near nature, but unknown within it scares me.....    but same time fuels me.    Hugging trees, stepping on moss or listening to waves and letting cool water to hit my feet.... Same feeling... empowering  and hoping that  I am in control...


I have to stop this post , of I am going to  go on and on and on and on and on.......

But one thing I have to tell you before I go is... Everything that you deserve Is waiting for you... Don't listen to anybody.. It is their experiences. Listen to You... Listen to your heart..  Make your own mistakes, because you will not grow from other people mistakes...   Make plenty of mistakes......  But pay attention to them and one day you to will be a teacher...... xoxo...

...

Naija adventures...

Sorry, I have not been active, but everything has been crazy over here... Work, maintaining relationship,  electricity issues, keeping myself safe, quality time... Kory still calls it vacation, but there is nothing about vacation past couple of months.. It has been constant work.. He has to snap out of it, and call it what it is.

I tell you honestly... End of the day.. I just want to fly to USA, and shower there, and then fly back...    But I am who I am, I am used to less, and there is nothing to complain about. In the end of the day, we got few hours of electricity, gas stow with tank,  little bit of running water, clothes to wear and roof over our head..   I can handle it well.. no wahala.....

When hell breaks loose...

FIRST I would LOVE to mention, that today 3 months ago , I met the person  who completes me in a way nobody has ever been able to do...  It has been  interesting journey with ups and downs, but we are still here, still loving each other and still seeing- what future holds for us.  Love him to pieces. ANd cant wait to see him in few day. Month ago we said-- OMG month apart from each other, and now... it is like. WHERE THE FUCK DID THE TIME GO... 

HE is IT.  He is my Yangster. and I'm his Yingster

For years to come.

3 AMAZING MONTHS .... MORE TO COME

When It comes to love - I am having the best year ever, but  Universe is again testing me. And I am not loving it. Second time this year-  I get violently ill. First time , it was right shortly I quit smoking.. about 2 months and 2 weeks ago. I thought I was about to die.  But survived... WILL NEVER SMOKE AGAIN IN MY LIFE. never...... done 

And now... COuple of weeks ago started having pain on my back. did not know what.  It was just pain. Did not pain much attention to it. it travelled all the way to my mid back, near shoulder blades..   I was still fine. 

I handle pain well. physical, emotional.. name it.  its ok...

BUT.. then one morning I woke up with numb left arm.  

 I took a deep breath in.  and said. This too shall pass.  Im fine. Its just  whatever, pinched nerve.

 Next day, it got worse... I waited 4 days - before seeking help...   ANd  the moment I did get help, pain was 40% reduced.  THank you friends who  guided me right direction.  It was my first acupuncture  appointment today, and I am believer. 

My left hand is still numb, but pain is  reduced tons.

Have to keep up with this program for few days....  Well. at least 7. Because on  15th will fly to Guangzhou..

From there will fly to Who knows where....  Amazing ... Everything I have ever wished for is coming true... Sad thing is.. 

 I wished for a slim body few years ago... Universe still keeps telling me-- mhmhmh... its not your turn... So

It is challenge..

Have to change my diet  around completely, because I can't work our for a while, or I could possibly go blind,  loose hearing, and loose my memory.  

I did not listen to my body, and  this is what happened.

Listen to your body

It is all you need 

to live your life

.... 

D.T

But I did not do it all alone. I had few friends who came to my rescue when things got tough.  My Man KORY, LIN, REBECCA, ZIRA,   AIM,  CARMEN, NICK ,  MY SON GABRIEL.

I am grategul for this.
Our family, and extended family, and friends have gone through a lot because what our family has experienced... ANd I am grateful, they are still here to this day :)

Stay focused, and choose your battles well. ... 

 ALl  I can say is after all this- I  am still living the best life, I am alive.  

And I am living the life now with the person I  think was supposed to be in my life for years to come..

ANd He IS HERE :)

Embrace.

Every day is a gift

Every moment is counted.

xoxoxo

Long Distance

As I am sitting here in my apartment, in my comfortable king size bed,  covered in 100% silk sheets and comforter, listening to my favorite West Africa tunes, all I keep is wondering.  How to keep fire alive on long distance relationship on your late 30... I will be 38 years old this year, and  I am not even sure why I actually committed to LD relationship.   I had so many amazing people before in my life wanting to have relationship with me, and I pushed them away asap. And now He comes along, and I am like. YUP.. I wanna commit to it 100% . And I am. But what keeps me up at night at times is question.  WHY is he the chosen one? Why do I feel so strongly about him? Why I don't have any doubts that this will not work out?  And only  answer that comes to my mind is- Trust your inner voice.  It never lies. It will be difficult, but it will be worth it.  ANd before waters calm down, there will be few storms along the way.

I just had fun conversation with one of my friends today...  one of my favorite saying is...  If He is not who he plays out to be- there is this amazing thing called KARMA, and it has gigantic dick... I swear it does. Believe me when I say TRUST ME..... And Mr. Karma goes , and it Fucks him in the ass. literally.. and He will know exactly why he got fucked in the ass...  So . There you go.  I ain't worried....

 So I am not really  worried about this.. WHat I am worried about is. He is a man. He is surrounded by amazing females. Yeah, if he is good man, he will flirt, have few drinks here and there, and thats the end of it.  But  I was married to one amazing man for 14 years ... right???   Had long distance relationship.  and all. Trusting 100% till I could not anymore and then things fell apart.  And Because of that I know how things are for most of guys.  If I was in my 20s I would believe shit. Now , i listen, make mental notes, do my research and  lay it all out, and walk away. .

And Now I want to trust with all my heart, but that little % keeps telling me.. "Bitch  please get your shit together, and just take him as SPECIAL friend, snap out of it, get a cat, and pitbull  write tons of books and live happily ever after."

And I am fighting hard not to let that little voice in my head win.  So, I am doing everything to keep me busy not thinking about it.  and I already know one important thing- He has given me something nobody else ever has done before. He slowed me down. No other man after my divorce have  had that ability.    He came to my life on right time. I was already committed to quitting smoking, and now I am already 2 months smoke free,  I have cut down alcohol consumption tons, and I don't party anymore.  I have cut out pretty much all my party "friends", It just was not worth it.  I am so calm and quiet , it is scary even to myself.  I am concentrating all my energy towards making it work. Trusting, staying centered, staying calm.  Staying true to myself and to my feelings. I will do it till I feel like it is disturbing my life in a way, I can't function.

It is scary feeling to see our future with someone, but same time you are not with that person . You worry, obsess, dream, and care to the point ones heart hurts. In this case, mine-- my heart is hurting, it is vulnerable.  I opened it up , and at any given moment it can start receiving stabs.  And I have to be ready for it. Take it like a QUEEN and grow from it.  But I signed myself up for it, and I want to see how far can it take us.

SO even though I can't be with him physically, we are still on this journey.  IT could end tomorrow, or day after, or it can last for a lifetime. I don't know.  I have to be ready for it all. and I think I am.

We all deserve the best in this world, and I already have the best life, just hoping He is the Best person to join in and celebrate life...  But .. will take one step at a time, and see where our journey takes us.

I know I love Him. But at times it is not enough.


I am high of Love....