Free yourself...

What is your freedom?

How do you see yourself, vs how your peeps see you?

my thoughts tonight are simple...

My  peeps see me stronger than I appear...  

Why...

Because...

 I forgot to show me and my weaknesses.. Because I forgot how I talk to myself  is important........

About me...

I had no plans to write tonight.  I had no plans to open myself even a little today. I  have felt overwhelming sadness today .......  I cried my out,  I spoke to myself.  And I pulled myself together........

But  I spoke to someone special today, and  before I was about to head to bed. Actually few times through out my today.  This person I spoke to- Brings calmness to my life.  It feels like noting but me, him and things that matter to me  and him exist...  It is so simple . And I love simple. But my life is nothing but simple.  It has been complicated chain of events since from the moment I was born..

How would Girl-excuse me---- WOMAN NOW- who was born in Estonia, end up in USA at age 38 single....  That is what I get asked every day I go out to order a coffee, or tee, or eat....

  And I love that people are curious, I LOVE QUESTIONS.  I LOVE telling them short version of my life story... Which is as follows:"I was born in Estonia, when I was 19 I met someone, fell in love, got engaged 2 months later, moved to NJ,  Had  one kid, then  moved to California , had second baby,  and  after I lost my daughter  - Daddy's girl , our sunshine, our  everything o multiple brain tumors after we all fought hard for 6 years-  life took me and my son to China... But we all know, what is BROKEN IN USA, you can't fix it in China...  So now I am back in California, my home and I am ready to stay :)......"

Yes this is the short version....If you want to hear long one , call me or message me, make coffee or wine time with me, and be ready for tons of tears...  But never , ever even try to judge me. My heart is made of steel...  It could crack, but it has ability to fix itself the ways, I thought  it is not possible, and still see good in everybody...

Right now at this moment, I am in my apartment. Staring at the ceiling while I am typing.  AND this  light fixture trio is installed crooked. And you know what It does not bother me. it still gives light the same way as it would have been installed completely straight.   And that is  how proud  I am of myself....   I do not let meaningless small things bother me anymore.. They used to... TRUST me, they bugged the fucking shitstorm out of me.  I was annoying as fuck. But it was because I was unhappy.  I was lonely,  and most of all..... I did not understand myself and love myself the way I was supposed to. At least now  at age 38 I am finally getting there... Journey is still not over... but I'm on my way...


OH.. btw.. haha..  One things I want people to understand... My SEXY accent is not reflection of me.   It is not my personality.   You should not trust me more because of my accent.  ....  I am person first, and luckily, I got a chance to travel the world and learn languages...   And  because I roll my RRRRSSS..,  and say my v and w's weird.....  does not mean,  I am  easy target.....

Get to know me and see beyond my accent... BUT I DO KNOW, couple of you who read this blog, read it with MY ACCENT... YOu know who you are, you told me so :D


   I want to wish you all lots of LOVE .   Live a little.. Take that  one chance you always wanted to... and don't regret anything ..........  Just love... and love returns...

From my little home to yours- Hug your loved ones today, tell them you see them and you care for them, and you love them......    .....  Tomorrow is not granted...... Now is the moment....

Dating..

So here I go. Dating... What the fuck does one woman has to do, to have a good date? The one who is not seeking for sex, but truly is seeking for some sort of connection.....   Let me tell you what she has to do.....

SHE HAS TO PUT OF WITH TONS OF SHIT!!!! And I  am not joking around now.

MY good friend X knows how I feel about sex. I love it, but  there is no reason for me to give it up for some stupid random one night affair. SO I am still a "virgin"... YES I AM!!! And I am proud of it...  hahahah What I mean by that is, since may, I have kept to myself.  What is the point going out there, meeting someone, counting  1 date, 2 date, 3 dates... and then guy knows,--- AAAAHHHH,  yeah, all girls have 3 date rules... After third date they hope to get laid,   and then run as fast as they can...   I have seen it couple of times. I have been out on few dates, and after third date, guy usually runs... or stops trying to impress me with his stupidity  and just walks away.--- WOrds like  Sweetheart, babygirl, gorgeous, blue eyes, princess , my Queen, Beautiful,  My only..... Disappear overnight.    

I don't understand why girls fall so quickly for it...  and then complain my boyfriend of 2 days left me after I gave in.... GIRLS, stay  longer than that... Build a friendship.  FIND OUT WHO HE REALLY IS. If you want a relationship,  you can weed out   10 pm booty call guys by staying true to what you really want... Of course, if it is only sex... go there and have as much as you want... GO FOR IT... good for you!!!!!!

But now back to topic...  Since June I have gone to dates  with 4  "men"....  First one I "swiped out", was actually  pretty impressive.  If was in my 20s, I would have totally melted...   Now i was like, lets wait it out... he will show his true colors soon, and soon enough, he sent me message to  pick him up from his new workplace to drive him home.... LET ME TELL---I ONLY saw him once at a coffee shop....    There is #lyft  that he could call for....   That tell me right away- most likely has 10 roommates and  only couple of square feet for himself.... Get your shit together ....  Good luck...


Date 2... He had everything going for him...  But what he said, just raised some attention  in my conscious mind..and  all I  could think of was --- MARRIED.....  He was to  careful.....   He asked me when can we meet again, and I said pretty much today.....  and he never followed up..  SO I know he is having fun with someone else... good for him...

Date 3... I don't know what to say about him..  I am just going to leave it blank.... I felt like I was raped on set .... there was no physical contact...  But it was one of the most uncomfortable dates I ever was on......  Removed and blocked the person after meeting him...

AND... there is date number 4.... Actually... he was 1st person I met  when I moved back to cali.. HE is calm, collected,  has vision, has passion, and has been respectful.  Well, the thing is... I am not stupid... If I say no, and we are not inclusive, there is always someone  who can say yes, after he leaves from date... RIght?  I am not bothered by that..  you do whatever you do before you find  what works for you....   But please, don't  call me stupid for not taking you for a test drive  when I am not ready.. :)  Smily face, smily face... hashtag  looking for my last love......  I met him and I am intriqued....


And there is one more person.... Date number 5 I have not met yet..... Conversations are great, but universe does not want us to meet. There is always something happening before  I get to meet up with him...  SOmetimes it is a great thing, but sometimes it is not that good.... God and my own intuition have never lied... SO maybe there is a reason.


So woman, girls, princesses, queens, ladies-- listen... Don't fall for that  BS you are fed on your first couple of dates of meeting someone.....  THINK hard  what works for you... Of course--- nice words work for all of us... BUT in beginning it is all words...  You want to see his actions.   He better show his actions..  He better, make you feel like  the QUEEN( not princess) with his actions...  He better,  give you flowers ( most men don't like giving flowers, because it is significant, it represents commitment ,  or it means something...  SO be careful with gifts and flowers early on...Accept them, but dont question... Just pay attenion....


 I really don't want to be downer Diana,  but I have been hurt, I hurt people, I have seen shit been there done that... ANd I am still "Virgin".... And  proud of it...  Love you , love your body, love everything about you, and  You will see the light.... Light- lights, brightness,  happiness.... You will be content in yor own skin, and nothing will shake you........ And you will be happier.. you will be free...

When hell breaks loose...

FIRST I would LOVE to mention, that today 3 months ago , I met the person  who completes me in a way nobody has ever been able to do...  It has been  interesting journey with ups and downs, but we are still here, still loving each other and still seeing- what future holds for us.  Love him to pieces. ANd cant wait to see him in few day. Month ago we said-- OMG month apart from each other, and now... it is like. WHERE THE FUCK DID THE TIME GO... 

HE is IT.  He is my Yangster. and I'm his Yingster

For years to come.

3 AMAZING MONTHS .... MORE TO COME

When It comes to love - I am having the best year ever, but  Universe is again testing me. And I am not loving it. Second time this year-  I get violently ill. First time , it was right shortly I quit smoking.. about 2 months and 2 weeks ago. I thought I was about to die.  But survived... WILL NEVER SMOKE AGAIN IN MY LIFE. never...... done 

And now... COuple of weeks ago started having pain on my back. did not know what.  It was just pain. Did not pain much attention to it. it travelled all the way to my mid back, near shoulder blades..   I was still fine. 

I handle pain well. physical, emotional.. name it.  its ok...

BUT.. then one morning I woke up with numb left arm.  

 I took a deep breath in.  and said. This too shall pass.  Im fine. Its just  whatever, pinched nerve.

 Next day, it got worse... I waited 4 days - before seeking help...   ANd  the moment I did get help, pain was 40% reduced.  THank you friends who  guided me right direction.  It was my first acupuncture  appointment today, and I am believer. 

My left hand is still numb, but pain is  reduced tons.

Have to keep up with this program for few days....  Well. at least 7. Because on  15th will fly to Guangzhou..

From there will fly to Who knows where....  Amazing ... Everything I have ever wished for is coming true... Sad thing is.. 

 I wished for a slim body few years ago... Universe still keeps telling me-- mhmhmh... its not your turn... So

It is challenge..

Have to change my diet  around completely, because I can't work our for a while, or I could possibly go blind,  loose hearing, and loose my memory.  

I did not listen to my body, and  this is what happened.

Listen to your body

It is all you need 

to live your life

.... 

D.T

But I did not do it all alone. I had few friends who came to my rescue when things got tough.  My Man KORY, LIN, REBECCA, ZIRA,   AIM,  CARMEN, NICK ,  MY SON GABRIEL.

I am grategul for this.
Our family, and extended family, and friends have gone through a lot because what our family has experienced... ANd I am grateful, they are still here to this day :)

Stay focused, and choose your battles well. ... 

 ALl  I can say is after all this- I  am still living the best life, I am alive.  

And I am living the life now with the person I  think was supposed to be in my life for years to come..

ANd He IS HERE :)

Embrace.

Every day is a gift

Every moment is counted.

xoxoxo