Happy Birthday Angel Regina.

It is ok not to be ok. It is ok to cry, and it is ok to mourn even after years when your child has passed away.  Regina has never left my  mind.  She will always be part of me, and I will always think about her, but hardest time I ever have is in September.

She was born on 19th of september on 1999, and she passed away in september 20th, 2009 . So September is not a good month. 

Miss her laugh, miss her jokes, miss her giggles,  miss her hugs, miss reading her books before bedtime, miss going shopping with her, miss telling her to stop being a drama queen, miss the way she loved to cuddle with me, miss how she smelled.......  Miss comforting her, mis taking care of her... I MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT HER....
I MISS MY DAUGHTER..

7 years have passed since I last told her I love you. 7 years have passed since I heard her laughter , 7 years have passed since I last held her in my arms. 7 years have passed since We lost her.

7 years have passed since I stopped giving a crap ..

Nothing compares to loosing a child you gave birth to.Nothing.   I have moved on from it, but I will always remember the sleepless nights and fear and tears.  I remember arguments with doctors , nurses, and caregivers and with my ex husband.... And I always remember how guilty I felt because I could not give equal amount of attention to Gabriel.... My son.

But It all started way before 7 years ago... It all started in march 2004 when we started running from doctor to doctor to find out what is wrong with our little girl... And no one had an answer.  Top doctors in orange county even started calling me paranoid and told me to stop worrying , because they thought it was just some weird strain of virus....  But we never did give up. 

 And now here I am... Missing her more than I have ever  missed anyone else. And with every passing year- missing her does not get less. I almost feel like, I miss her more.  And I am not ok.  

Pain is excruciating and only parents who have lost a child will understand it. You will never be the same, but you pretend to be ok.  And it will work for a while, but then  again, there are relapses around important dates.  Just like now...  september 19th is her birthday, and I am broken inside.   I think I am even more than broken.... I feel like  I'm in middle of dessert alone, naked, screaming for help... and feeling like help will never arrive.  It is horrible feeling.   But I know in few days this feeling too shall pass. But only for a moment... I just have to deal with it. I have to distract myself so I would not be complete mess. And that is challenge... I want to be complete mess sometimes... I have been complete mess in past... SO , please can I be again?   People get to be complete messes when their boyfriends or husbands leave them... Only advice we get is.. hey... there are plenty men out there for you... Suck it in and move on...

But when your child dies..... there are no right things to say... You can't say... hey... MOVE ON, she died... go and adopt another one... there are plenty kids who need your love.

..NOOOOO...  no one  will replace your child.  

Pain does get little better with time, but memories will remain.  And Memories we have  made as family, make me smile, and it lessens the pain....  But life will never be the same....

Missing my Girl...  

one day we will meet again

xoxoxoxo 

When hell breaks loose...

FIRST I would LOVE to mention, that today 3 months ago , I met the person  who completes me in a way nobody has ever been able to do...  It has been  interesting journey with ups and downs, but we are still here, still loving each other and still seeing- what future holds for us.  Love him to pieces. ANd cant wait to see him in few day. Month ago we said-- OMG month apart from each other, and now... it is like. WHERE THE FUCK DID THE TIME GO... 

HE is IT.  He is my Yangster. and I'm his Yingster

For years to come.

3 AMAZING MONTHS .... MORE TO COME

When It comes to love - I am having the best year ever, but  Universe is again testing me. And I am not loving it. Second time this year-  I get violently ill. First time , it was right shortly I quit smoking.. about 2 months and 2 weeks ago. I thought I was about to die.  But survived... WILL NEVER SMOKE AGAIN IN MY LIFE. never...... done 

And now... COuple of weeks ago started having pain on my back. did not know what.  It was just pain. Did not pain much attention to it. it travelled all the way to my mid back, near shoulder blades..   I was still fine. 

I handle pain well. physical, emotional.. name it.  its ok...

BUT.. then one morning I woke up with numb left arm.  

 I took a deep breath in.  and said. This too shall pass.  Im fine. Its just  whatever, pinched nerve.

 Next day, it got worse... I waited 4 days - before seeking help...   ANd  the moment I did get help, pain was 40% reduced.  THank you friends who  guided me right direction.  It was my first acupuncture  appointment today, and I am believer. 

My left hand is still numb, but pain is  reduced tons.

Have to keep up with this program for few days....  Well. at least 7. Because on  15th will fly to Guangzhou..

From there will fly to Who knows where....  Amazing ... Everything I have ever wished for is coming true... Sad thing is.. 

 I wished for a slim body few years ago... Universe still keeps telling me-- mhmhmh... its not your turn... So

It is challenge..

Have to change my diet  around completely, because I can't work our for a while, or I could possibly go blind,  loose hearing, and loose my memory.  

I did not listen to my body, and  this is what happened.

Listen to your body

It is all you need 

to live your life

.... 

D.T

But I did not do it all alone. I had few friends who came to my rescue when things got tough.  My Man KORY, LIN, REBECCA, ZIRA,   AIM,  CARMEN, NICK ,  MY SON GABRIEL.

I am grategul for this.
Our family, and extended family, and friends have gone through a lot because what our family has experienced... ANd I am grateful, they are still here to this day :)

Stay focused, and choose your battles well. ... 

 ALl  I can say is after all this- I  am still living the best life, I am alive.  

And I am living the life now with the person I  think was supposed to be in my life for years to come..

ANd He IS HERE :)

Embrace.

Every day is a gift

Every moment is counted.

xoxoxo