Hurt and hurting.... ( My take in pain very narrow spectrum)

Pain is strange. It can be mental/psychological, physical, or just Pain  even though there is no reason for it( again... self created)...  Which means, we create pain for ourselves due to multiple different reasons... Some can't deal with relationship, some are needy in relationship, some are just needy.... But worst kind of pain comes from past losses.. even though one has dealt with past issues, time to time they will resurface and one ( like myself) has to deal with it again...   And sometimes it is absolutely fine to be in pain. It reminds us over and over and over again, that we are alive .  But one thing one has to learn , is how to deal with it, and not to let it get a way of living your life..

I am going to touch subject about guys again..  I wish I could call it topic about MEN, but apparently I keep meeting "wrong" men... Or broken men- as I would like to call them. I used to blame it on EGO, but I  gave up....

I Really , Really, really do know what I want in "OUR" relationship  ( whoever you are out there  meant for me).

*Honesty- DOn't wait me to ask questions... volunteer tell me your story-- please.. it's an order
*trust- trust me when I tell you something... I will never prove my point.....  It's not worth it...
*Respect- respect my point of view , and don't question it....
*Compassion- Be kind, be compassionate... It will make you feel good....
*Empathy- it's not all about you.. we all have different experiences in life... Be aware...
*Humor- Laughter makes a world go around....  Humor makes everything better
*Sarcasm.--- That's  my second language
*Open Mindedness-  I am world citizen....  I have been to places, I have seen things, I have experienced things, and so on....  "I" in this sounds like EGO speaking... but I here is also is ME...  I will never be the person I was few days ago, because I am constantly evolving till I am aware of me :)  

SO.. THERE YOU GO...  NEVER be in pain again.  Live the life the way it works for you... And if someone tells you,  you are unhappy or wrong.. It means you are in different level from them... OR their ego is stuck somewhere... But don't get   mean....

Life the life that is assigned for you...


Recognize the pain you once were in, and never allow it to come to your life again....

move on...


Lots of love ..

DST

Happy Birthday Angel Regina.

It is ok not to be ok. It is ok to cry, and it is ok to mourn even after years when your child has passed away.  Regina has never left my  mind.  She will always be part of me, and I will always think about her, but hardest time I ever have is in September.

She was born on 19th of september on 1999, and she passed away in september 20th, 2009 . So September is not a good month. 

Miss her laugh, miss her jokes, miss her giggles,  miss her hugs, miss reading her books before bedtime, miss going shopping with her, miss telling her to stop being a drama queen, miss the way she loved to cuddle with me, miss how she smelled.......  Miss comforting her, mis taking care of her... I MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT HER....
I MISS MY DAUGHTER..

7 years have passed since I last told her I love you. 7 years have passed since I heard her laughter , 7 years have passed since I last held her in my arms. 7 years have passed since We lost her.

7 years have passed since I stopped giving a crap ..

Nothing compares to loosing a child you gave birth to.Nothing.   I have moved on from it, but I will always remember the sleepless nights and fear and tears.  I remember arguments with doctors , nurses, and caregivers and with my ex husband.... And I always remember how guilty I felt because I could not give equal amount of attention to Gabriel.... My son.

But It all started way before 7 years ago... It all started in march 2004 when we started running from doctor to doctor to find out what is wrong with our little girl... And no one had an answer.  Top doctors in orange county even started calling me paranoid and told me to stop worrying , because they thought it was just some weird strain of virus....  But we never did give up. 

 And now here I am... Missing her more than I have ever  missed anyone else. And with every passing year- missing her does not get less. I almost feel like, I miss her more.  And I am not ok.  

Pain is excruciating and only parents who have lost a child will understand it. You will never be the same, but you pretend to be ok.  And it will work for a while, but then  again, there are relapses around important dates.  Just like now...  september 19th is her birthday, and I am broken inside.   I think I am even more than broken.... I feel like  I'm in middle of dessert alone, naked, screaming for help... and feeling like help will never arrive.  It is horrible feeling.   But I know in few days this feeling too shall pass. But only for a moment... I just have to deal with it. I have to distract myself so I would not be complete mess. And that is challenge... I want to be complete mess sometimes... I have been complete mess in past... SO , please can I be again?   People get to be complete messes when their boyfriends or husbands leave them... Only advice we get is.. hey... there are plenty men out there for you... Suck it in and move on...

But when your child dies..... there are no right things to say... You can't say... hey... MOVE ON, she died... go and adopt another one... there are plenty kids who need your love.

..NOOOOO...  no one  will replace your child.  

Pain does get little better with time, but memories will remain.  And Memories we have  made as family, make me smile, and it lessens the pain....  But life will never be the same....

Missing my Girl...  

one day we will meet again

xoxoxoxo