It is what it is...

O . M . G. 
I am saying this with my high pitch voice.... So much is happening right now and has happened..


First of all..I want to tell you that 2018 was amaziiiiiing... LOT of self growth and  all the aspects that linked to that #MILLENIALSENIOR cakeshit growth are true....

I am 40 and embracing the pain! Pain is part of the process.. Like waking up every morning and figuring shit out how to get out the bed. And smile and all the lovely... If you know what I mean...\
 AND I am also embracing the LOVE.. LOVe from my #becomingchurch in Aliso Viejo, , LOVE from the best peeps in my life, LOVE I give to those I have never met, LOVE i get daily bases from all of you, LOVE THAT KEEPS GIVING.... LOVE never fails... THAT is why I LOVE...
 

FIND LOVE IN EVERYTHING ...  JUST LOVE....





And I think 2019 will carry even more power. A N D... I am in charge. 

I will speak less and H E A R more......#GOD #LISTEN #CURSE #WORSHIP #love

About me...

I had no plans to write tonight.  I had no plans to open myself even a little today. I  have felt overwhelming sadness today .......  I cried my out,  I spoke to myself.  And I pulled myself together........

But  I spoke to someone special today, and  before I was about to head to bed. Actually few times through out my today.  This person I spoke to- Brings calmness to my life.  It feels like noting but me, him and things that matter to me  and him exist...  It is so simple . And I love simple. But my life is nothing but simple.  It has been complicated chain of events since from the moment I was born..

How would Girl-excuse me---- WOMAN NOW- who was born in Estonia, end up in USA at age 38 single....  That is what I get asked every day I go out to order a coffee, or tee, or eat....

  And I love that people are curious, I LOVE QUESTIONS.  I LOVE telling them short version of my life story... Which is as follows:"I was born in Estonia, when I was 19 I met someone, fell in love, got engaged 2 months later, moved to NJ,  Had  one kid, then  moved to California , had second baby,  and  after I lost my daughter  - Daddy's girl , our sunshine, our  everything o multiple brain tumors after we all fought hard for 6 years-  life took me and my son to China... But we all know, what is BROKEN IN USA, you can't fix it in China...  So now I am back in California, my home and I am ready to stay :)......"

Yes this is the short version....If you want to hear long one , call me or message me, make coffee or wine time with me, and be ready for tons of tears...  But never , ever even try to judge me. My heart is made of steel...  It could crack, but it has ability to fix itself the ways, I thought  it is not possible, and still see good in everybody...

Right now at this moment, I am in my apartment. Staring at the ceiling while I am typing.  AND this  light fixture trio is installed crooked. And you know what It does not bother me. it still gives light the same way as it would have been installed completely straight.   And that is  how proud  I am of myself....   I do not let meaningless small things bother me anymore.. They used to... TRUST me, they bugged the fucking shitstorm out of me.  I was annoying as fuck. But it was because I was unhappy.  I was lonely,  and most of all..... I did not understand myself and love myself the way I was supposed to. At least now  at age 38 I am finally getting there... Journey is still not over... but I'm on my way...


OH.. btw.. haha..  One things I want people to understand... My SEXY accent is not reflection of me.   It is not my personality.   You should not trust me more because of my accent.  ....  I am person first, and luckily, I got a chance to travel the world and learn languages...   And  because I roll my RRRRSSS..,  and say my v and w's weird.....  does not mean,  I am  easy target.....

Get to know me and see beyond my accent... BUT I DO KNOW, couple of you who read this blog, read it with MY ACCENT... YOu know who you are, you told me so :D


   I want to wish you all lots of LOVE .   Live a little.. Take that  one chance you always wanted to... and don't regret anything ..........  Just love... and love returns...

From my little home to yours- Hug your loved ones today, tell them you see them and you care for them, and you love them......    .....  Tomorrow is not granted...... Now is the moment....

Hurt and hurting.... ( My take in pain very narrow spectrum)

Pain is strange. It can be mental/psychological, physical, or just Pain  even though there is no reason for it( again... self created)...  Which means, we create pain for ourselves due to multiple different reasons... Some can't deal with relationship, some are needy in relationship, some are just needy.... But worst kind of pain comes from past losses.. even though one has dealt with past issues, time to time they will resurface and one ( like myself) has to deal with it again...   And sometimes it is absolutely fine to be in pain. It reminds us over and over and over again, that we are alive .  But one thing one has to learn , is how to deal with it, and not to let it get a way of living your life..

I am going to touch subject about guys again..  I wish I could call it topic about MEN, but apparently I keep meeting "wrong" men... Or broken men- as I would like to call them. I used to blame it on EGO, but I  gave up....

I Really , Really, really do know what I want in "OUR" relationship  ( whoever you are out there  meant for me).

*Honesty- DOn't wait me to ask questions... volunteer tell me your story-- please.. it's an order
*trust- trust me when I tell you something... I will never prove my point.....  It's not worth it...
*Respect- respect my point of view , and don't question it....
*Compassion- Be kind, be compassionate... It will make you feel good....
*Empathy- it's not all about you.. we all have different experiences in life... Be aware...
*Humor- Laughter makes a world go around....  Humor makes everything better
*Sarcasm.--- That's  my second language
*Open Mindedness-  I am world citizen....  I have been to places, I have seen things, I have experienced things, and so on....  "I" in this sounds like EGO speaking... but I here is also is ME...  I will never be the person I was few days ago, because I am constantly evolving till I am aware of me :)  

SO.. THERE YOU GO...  NEVER be in pain again.  Live the life the way it works for you... And if someone tells you,  you are unhappy or wrong.. It means you are in different level from them... OR their ego is stuck somewhere... But don't get   mean....

Life the life that is assigned for you...


Recognize the pain you once were in, and never allow it to come to your life again....

move on...


Lots of love ..

DST

on my own....

I had very quiet day today.   I only spoke to 1 person  on phone today, and thats how my days mostly are.   I chat a lot, but I keep it to myself.   I almost feel like I am starting to lack people skills, which is not true of course, but silence really is golden sometimes.
  People at times are afraid of their own thoughts, but I am not anymore.. I used to be. I was terrified to think....  and it took me a while to get me out of that phase..... yes... Years ago, I did not want to think, and escaped  my space and spent it with those I recognized were on the same boat with me...  But that was temporary.

What I really was thinking today when I did what I wanted to do was...
I woke up sick. My body hurt,  I could not breathe,  I could not even have a sip of water without having tears in my eyes, was-- I thought to myself...  This is just a fluke, just another test, I have to rise above it, I can't be sick, because only person who can take care of me is me.

OH, you have no idea, how much I wanted to just lay in my bed and wait it out, Hoping pain will go away, hoping someone will come to my rescue.. But in this case,  that only someone is me.  I pushed me out of my bed, made me hot tea,  turned on some relaxing Native American music and just took tons of deep breaths in and then let some out...  and i did if for about some 40 minutes maybe. Well...  I felt better for sure, but it was all in my mind. I WAS IN CONTROL OF ME...

At one moment, I just told myself- get your ass up, and leave your space. GO out there, go to the place that gives you peace... ANd I did. I took a long hot shower... Water hitting my face and body felt divine.  I stood at shower my face facing shower head.  .. I don't know how long I stood there, but it felt like eternity.   I was touching myself all over me, and all I could think was- Damn, I feel good, my curves  are all in right places,  and my mind is shifting into something I always wanted it to be--- In my space..  ANd I felt in control of my present situation.   I felt beautiful, and alive , and blessed...... after that  I just cleaned up and   I went to Laguna beach...  I spent 2 hours there.    Just people watching.. with my purple hair and pilates pants.... And sculls tank top.      I love ocean, but same time I am so scared of it and that is why I always end up in there... Just Like I am with forest... I need to be near nature, but unknown within it scares me.....    but same time fuels me.    Hugging trees, stepping on moss or listening to waves and letting cool water to hit my feet.... Same feeling... empowering  and hoping that  I am in control...


I have to stop this post , of I am going to  go on and on and on and on and on.......

But one thing I have to tell you before I go is... Everything that you deserve Is waiting for you... Don't listen to anybody.. It is their experiences. Listen to You... Listen to your heart..  Make your own mistakes, because you will not grow from other people mistakes...   Make plenty of mistakes......  But pay attention to them and one day you to will be a teacher...... xoxo...

...

Dating..

So here I go. Dating... What the fuck does one woman has to do, to have a good date? The one who is not seeking for sex, but truly is seeking for some sort of connection.....   Let me tell you what she has to do.....

SHE HAS TO PUT OF WITH TONS OF SHIT!!!! And I  am not joking around now.

MY good friend X knows how I feel about sex. I love it, but  there is no reason for me to give it up for some stupid random one night affair. SO I am still a "virgin"... YES I AM!!! And I am proud of it...  hahahah What I mean by that is, since may, I have kept to myself.  What is the point going out there, meeting someone, counting  1 date, 2 date, 3 dates... and then guy knows,--- AAAAHHHH,  yeah, all girls have 3 date rules... After third date they hope to get laid,   and then run as fast as they can...   I have seen it couple of times. I have been out on few dates, and after third date, guy usually runs... or stops trying to impress me with his stupidity  and just walks away.--- WOrds like  Sweetheart, babygirl, gorgeous, blue eyes, princess , my Queen, Beautiful,  My only..... Disappear overnight.    

I don't understand why girls fall so quickly for it...  and then complain my boyfriend of 2 days left me after I gave in.... GIRLS, stay  longer than that... Build a friendship.  FIND OUT WHO HE REALLY IS. If you want a relationship,  you can weed out   10 pm booty call guys by staying true to what you really want... Of course, if it is only sex... go there and have as much as you want... GO FOR IT... good for you!!!!!!

But now back to topic...  Since June I have gone to dates  with 4  "men"....  First one I "swiped out", was actually  pretty impressive.  If was in my 20s, I would have totally melted...   Now i was like, lets wait it out... he will show his true colors soon, and soon enough, he sent me message to  pick him up from his new workplace to drive him home.... LET ME TELL---I ONLY saw him once at a coffee shop....    There is #lyft  that he could call for....   That tell me right away- most likely has 10 roommates and  only couple of square feet for himself.... Get your shit together ....  Good luck...


Date 2... He had everything going for him...  But what he said, just raised some attention  in my conscious mind..and  all I  could think of was --- MARRIED.....  He was to  careful.....   He asked me when can we meet again, and I said pretty much today.....  and he never followed up..  SO I know he is having fun with someone else... good for him...

Date 3... I don't know what to say about him..  I am just going to leave it blank.... I felt like I was raped on set .... there was no physical contact...  But it was one of the most uncomfortable dates I ever was on......  Removed and blocked the person after meeting him...

AND... there is date number 4.... Actually... he was 1st person I met  when I moved back to cali.. HE is calm, collected,  has vision, has passion, and has been respectful.  Well, the thing is... I am not stupid... If I say no, and we are not inclusive, there is always someone  who can say yes, after he leaves from date... RIght?  I am not bothered by that..  you do whatever you do before you find  what works for you....   But please, don't  call me stupid for not taking you for a test drive  when I am not ready.. :)  Smily face, smily face... hashtag  looking for my last love......  I met him and I am intriqued....


And there is one more person.... Date number 5 I have not met yet..... Conversations are great, but universe does not want us to meet. There is always something happening before  I get to meet up with him...  SOmetimes it is a great thing, but sometimes it is not that good.... God and my own intuition have never lied... SO maybe there is a reason.


So woman, girls, princesses, queens, ladies-- listen... Don't fall for that  BS you are fed on your first couple of dates of meeting someone.....  THINK hard  what works for you... Of course--- nice words work for all of us... BUT in beginning it is all words...  You want to see his actions.   He better show his actions..  He better, make you feel like  the QUEEN( not princess) with his actions...  He better,  give you flowers ( most men don't like giving flowers, because it is significant, it represents commitment ,  or it means something...  SO be careful with gifts and flowers early on...Accept them, but dont question... Just pay attenion....


 I really don't want to be downer Diana,  but I have been hurt, I hurt people, I have seen shit been there done that... ANd I am still "Virgin".... And  proud of it...  Love you , love your body, love everything about you, and  You will see the light.... Light- lights, brightness,  happiness.... You will be content in yor own skin, and nothing will shake you........ And you will be happier.. you will be free...

WOW

Here I am again. I haven't blogged for a while... I can't access couple of my blogs in some weird reasons.. SO, Im going to use this one to update what the fuck is happening in my life.

long story short... I'm super fat, fattest I have been for years. I'm about 82 kilos...  Last year on my Birthday I broke  couple of bones around my tailbone... Refused surgery...  Could not work out for months...  Then I just got comfortable..   And decided, I don't give a fuck about this worlds fuckery.... Just do my thing... Then --- I kind of injured my ankle, then got shingles,  and after that.... I met love of my life...  Weird how things work...

 Last time I was in love it ended bad.. And I told to myself- I will never fall in love again.. .But... He came- and changed my life for better.I don't know if it will last for  rest of my life, but for now-- He is all  I want....

I met him when I was not looking  at all.   He is exactly what I have been looking for.   Everything to the point...   lets say 98% of what I have been  waiting for...

But to be honest.. It has been hell of a few years...  I'm finally calm, quiet, and centered. It took a while for me to get here. Tons of soul searching, tons of tears, tons of upset moments and tons of  eyeballs...

But I'm still here standing...

My life is not easy. People think it is. Most of them see me as  Kept Woman...  Good for them...   Think what you want...  I don't own anybody any explanations.  All I know is... Life is great. And   if you loose yourself in this brutal game.. Get your mind on it, and work your ass out of the mess you created to yourself....  

been there , done that.. Never again....

...

so yeah.. I met him when I was not looking. I was already 78 kilos, not looking, not wanting to fall in love. But the moment I saw him-- I knew  He is it for now... Now could be forever, but I don't know, so I keep my mind open ...

..
Everybody tells me to be careful...  Pretty much 99% of people I know.. And I'm like.. I was careful all my life.. I am done being careful.. I take my chances...  Because, if Donald becomes president, we all will be fucked anyways...  SO.. I am taking my chances..  He could be married somewhere.. I don't know.  As long as I don't know ... I am fine...  But till then, I enjoy this ride with Him.  He makes me smile, and laugh and dream big.  So.. this is good for something..

 So far everything in my life has been Great for something...  And I leave it with that....  So much to tell.. But it is all about timing ..  when Time is right.. I will tell...

#love #ankuri#dreams