About me...

I had no plans to write tonight.  I had no plans to open myself even a little today. I  have felt overwhelming sadness today .......  I cried my out,  I spoke to myself.  And I pulled myself together........

But  I spoke to someone special today, and  before I was about to head to bed. Actually few times through out my today.  This person I spoke to- Brings calmness to my life.  It feels like noting but me, him and things that matter to me  and him exist...  It is so simple . And I love simple. But my life is nothing but simple.  It has been complicated chain of events since from the moment I was born..

How would Girl-excuse me---- WOMAN NOW- who was born in Estonia, end up in USA at age 38 single....  That is what I get asked every day I go out to order a coffee, or tee, or eat....

  And I love that people are curious, I LOVE QUESTIONS.  I LOVE telling them short version of my life story... Which is as follows:"I was born in Estonia, when I was 19 I met someone, fell in love, got engaged 2 months later, moved to NJ,  Had  one kid, then  moved to California , had second baby,  and  after I lost my daughter  - Daddy's girl , our sunshine, our  everything o multiple brain tumors after we all fought hard for 6 years-  life took me and my son to China... But we all know, what is BROKEN IN USA, you can't fix it in China...  So now I am back in California, my home and I am ready to stay :)......"

Yes this is the short version....If you want to hear long one , call me or message me, make coffee or wine time with me, and be ready for tons of tears...  But never , ever even try to judge me. My heart is made of steel...  It could crack, but it has ability to fix itself the ways, I thought  it is not possible, and still see good in everybody...

Right now at this moment, I am in my apartment. Staring at the ceiling while I am typing.  AND this  light fixture trio is installed crooked. And you know what It does not bother me. it still gives light the same way as it would have been installed completely straight.   And that is  how proud  I am of myself....   I do not let meaningless small things bother me anymore.. They used to... TRUST me, they bugged the fucking shitstorm out of me.  I was annoying as fuck. But it was because I was unhappy.  I was lonely,  and most of all..... I did not understand myself and love myself the way I was supposed to. At least now  at age 38 I am finally getting there... Journey is still not over... but I'm on my way...


OH.. btw.. haha..  One things I want people to understand... My SEXY accent is not reflection of me.   It is not my personality.   You should not trust me more because of my accent.  ....  I am person first, and luckily, I got a chance to travel the world and learn languages...   And  because I roll my RRRRSSS..,  and say my v and w's weird.....  does not mean,  I am  easy target.....

Get to know me and see beyond my accent... BUT I DO KNOW, couple of you who read this blog, read it with MY ACCENT... YOu know who you are, you told me so :D


   I want to wish you all lots of LOVE .   Live a little.. Take that  one chance you always wanted to... and don't regret anything ..........  Just love... and love returns...

From my little home to yours- Hug your loved ones today, tell them you see them and you care for them, and you love them......    .....  Tomorrow is not granted...... Now is the moment....

on my own....

I had very quiet day today.   I only spoke to 1 person  on phone today, and thats how my days mostly are.   I chat a lot, but I keep it to myself.   I almost feel like I am starting to lack people skills, which is not true of course, but silence really is golden sometimes.
  People at times are afraid of their own thoughts, but I am not anymore.. I used to be. I was terrified to think....  and it took me a while to get me out of that phase..... yes... Years ago, I did not want to think, and escaped  my space and spent it with those I recognized were on the same boat with me...  But that was temporary.

What I really was thinking today when I did what I wanted to do was...
I woke up sick. My body hurt,  I could not breathe,  I could not even have a sip of water without having tears in my eyes, was-- I thought to myself...  This is just a fluke, just another test, I have to rise above it, I can't be sick, because only person who can take care of me is me.

OH, you have no idea, how much I wanted to just lay in my bed and wait it out, Hoping pain will go away, hoping someone will come to my rescue.. But in this case,  that only someone is me.  I pushed me out of my bed, made me hot tea,  turned on some relaxing Native American music and just took tons of deep breaths in and then let some out...  and i did if for about some 40 minutes maybe. Well...  I felt better for sure, but it was all in my mind. I WAS IN CONTROL OF ME...

At one moment, I just told myself- get your ass up, and leave your space. GO out there, go to the place that gives you peace... ANd I did. I took a long hot shower... Water hitting my face and body felt divine.  I stood at shower my face facing shower head.  .. I don't know how long I stood there, but it felt like eternity.   I was touching myself all over me, and all I could think was- Damn, I feel good, my curves  are all in right places,  and my mind is shifting into something I always wanted it to be--- In my space..  ANd I felt in control of my present situation.   I felt beautiful, and alive , and blessed...... after that  I just cleaned up and   I went to Laguna beach...  I spent 2 hours there.    Just people watching.. with my purple hair and pilates pants.... And sculls tank top.      I love ocean, but same time I am so scared of it and that is why I always end up in there... Just Like I am with forest... I need to be near nature, but unknown within it scares me.....    but same time fuels me.    Hugging trees, stepping on moss or listening to waves and letting cool water to hit my feet.... Same feeling... empowering  and hoping that  I am in control...


I have to stop this post , of I am going to  go on and on and on and on and on.......

But one thing I have to tell you before I go is... Everything that you deserve Is waiting for you... Don't listen to anybody.. It is their experiences. Listen to You... Listen to your heart..  Make your own mistakes, because you will not grow from other people mistakes...   Make plenty of mistakes......  But pay attention to them and one day you to will be a teacher...... xoxo...

...