About me...

I had no plans to write tonight.  I had no plans to open myself even a little today. I  have felt overwhelming sadness today .......  I cried my out,  I spoke to myself.  And I pulled myself together........

But  I spoke to someone special today, and  before I was about to head to bed. Actually few times through out my today.  This person I spoke to- Brings calmness to my life.  It feels like noting but me, him and things that matter to me  and him exist...  It is so simple . And I love simple. But my life is nothing but simple.  It has been complicated chain of events since from the moment I was born..

How would Girl-excuse me---- WOMAN NOW- who was born in Estonia, end up in USA at age 38 single....  That is what I get asked every day I go out to order a coffee, or tee, or eat....

  And I love that people are curious, I LOVE QUESTIONS.  I LOVE telling them short version of my life story... Which is as follows:"I was born in Estonia, when I was 19 I met someone, fell in love, got engaged 2 months later, moved to NJ,  Had  one kid, then  moved to California , had second baby,  and  after I lost my daughter  - Daddy's girl , our sunshine, our  everything o multiple brain tumors after we all fought hard for 6 years-  life took me and my son to China... But we all know, what is BROKEN IN USA, you can't fix it in China...  So now I am back in California, my home and I am ready to stay :)......"

Yes this is the short version....If you want to hear long one , call me or message me, make coffee or wine time with me, and be ready for tons of tears...  But never , ever even try to judge me. My heart is made of steel...  It could crack, but it has ability to fix itself the ways, I thought  it is not possible, and still see good in everybody...

Right now at this moment, I am in my apartment. Staring at the ceiling while I am typing.  AND this  light fixture trio is installed crooked. And you know what It does not bother me. it still gives light the same way as it would have been installed completely straight.   And that is  how proud  I am of myself....   I do not let meaningless small things bother me anymore.. They used to... TRUST me, they bugged the fucking shitstorm out of me.  I was annoying as fuck. But it was because I was unhappy.  I was lonely,  and most of all..... I did not understand myself and love myself the way I was supposed to. At least now  at age 38 I am finally getting there... Journey is still not over... but I'm on my way...


OH.. btw.. haha..  One things I want people to understand... My SEXY accent is not reflection of me.   It is not my personality.   You should not trust me more because of my accent.  ....  I am person first, and luckily, I got a chance to travel the world and learn languages...   And  because I roll my RRRRSSS..,  and say my v and w's weird.....  does not mean,  I am  easy target.....

Get to know me and see beyond my accent... BUT I DO KNOW, couple of you who read this blog, read it with MY ACCENT... YOu know who you are, you told me so :D


   I want to wish you all lots of LOVE .   Live a little.. Take that  one chance you always wanted to... and don't regret anything ..........  Just love... and love returns...

From my little home to yours- Hug your loved ones today, tell them you see them and you care for them, and you love them......    .....  Tomorrow is not granted...... Now is the moment....