struggles....

I was struggling today...

Company I am working for is called INSTACART and it  is changing. I am personal shopper and after I shop, i deliver items to customers for IC pay and for tips as well....  Pay has been lowered, our tips have been removed and there is more happening.. I am heartbroken over it.  When I started in January, my pay was about 25 dollars an hour, now it is about 15-19 dollars an hour,  But it is still ok. First time in my life I have been able to pay for rent and food on my own. Yes, it is  beginning of my "American dream" living, but i am more than happy to admit- this too shall pass. It is a entryway to something bigger that is waiting for me:) Just have to keep my chin up :)

Today was THE first time  IC threw me to the  curb, after I declined 7 dollars an hour shopping trips . I was mad because I did not meet my quota for a day to make rent money...  And I just calmed myself down and said, this too shall pass...

At that very moment, I felt pain physically crawling back to my body.  I felt Devil attacking me from left and right. I was about to break down and cry. But I decided to keep my shit together.. I headed to gym, started playing for my favorite worship music, and at that instance everything changed.

I casted my Worries on HIS shoulders....   I kept walking , and walking, and then did some mild jogging and before I knew I was running... And I did not feel any physical pain whatsoever...

I casted my worries on HIS shoulders....

Never give up.

I don't want to fall in love... Not yet..  Not today..
I don't want to loose my mind, not yet.. not today..
I don't want to feel vulnerable -- Not today....

But I am getting there.  I am ready to let love in again. I am ready to look someone into their eyes again and love what those other eyes tell me, see what those eyes feed me, love what those eyes stand for... ...  And I am getting close to letting love in...

It feels freeing . It feels powerful, it feels exactly how I want it to feel.     It feels scary, but there was this saying I read long time ago from somewhere ,  " If it does not scare you, it does not challenge you."....  Let me tell you something...  I am scared, I feel challenged, I feel powerless, I feel intrigued, and I feel  at peace and this is exactly where I want to be... I want to be here and present and at peace with me....

 Yes, of course I have my questions, but every question ever asked will get an answer, sooner or later.  There is not rush anymore in my life.   I don't want anymore - "RIGHT NOW".. It makes no longer sense.   AT THIS point in my life ........-----I want  forever....   and for "FOREVER", I am ready to fight for . I am ready to take a step back and live and learn and observe.     Forever promises to be beautiful.  Just just like I am, just like he is... just like out lives are...  beautiful....

to feel and to be felt, to love and to be loved, to see and to be seen.... cherish these moments,, remember them,  and never forget them........ xoxo

on my own....

I had very quiet day today.   I only spoke to 1 person  on phone today, and thats how my days mostly are.   I chat a lot, but I keep it to myself.   I almost feel like I am starting to lack people skills, which is not true of course, but silence really is golden sometimes.
  People at times are afraid of their own thoughts, but I am not anymore.. I used to be. I was terrified to think....  and it took me a while to get me out of that phase..... yes... Years ago, I did not want to think, and escaped  my space and spent it with those I recognized were on the same boat with me...  But that was temporary.

What I really was thinking today when I did what I wanted to do was...
I woke up sick. My body hurt,  I could not breathe,  I could not even have a sip of water without having tears in my eyes, was-- I thought to myself...  This is just a fluke, just another test, I have to rise above it, I can't be sick, because only person who can take care of me is me.

OH, you have no idea, how much I wanted to just lay in my bed and wait it out, Hoping pain will go away, hoping someone will come to my rescue.. But in this case,  that only someone is me.  I pushed me out of my bed, made me hot tea,  turned on some relaxing Native American music and just took tons of deep breaths in and then let some out...  and i did if for about some 40 minutes maybe. Well...  I felt better for sure, but it was all in my mind. I WAS IN CONTROL OF ME...

At one moment, I just told myself- get your ass up, and leave your space. GO out there, go to the place that gives you peace... ANd I did. I took a long hot shower... Water hitting my face and body felt divine.  I stood at shower my face facing shower head.  .. I don't know how long I stood there, but it felt like eternity.   I was touching myself all over me, and all I could think was- Damn, I feel good, my curves  are all in right places,  and my mind is shifting into something I always wanted it to be--- In my space..  ANd I felt in control of my present situation.   I felt beautiful, and alive , and blessed...... after that  I just cleaned up and   I went to Laguna beach...  I spent 2 hours there.    Just people watching.. with my purple hair and pilates pants.... And sculls tank top.      I love ocean, but same time I am so scared of it and that is why I always end up in there... Just Like I am with forest... I need to be near nature, but unknown within it scares me.....    but same time fuels me.    Hugging trees, stepping on moss or listening to waves and letting cool water to hit my feet.... Same feeling... empowering  and hoping that  I am in control...


I have to stop this post , of I am going to  go on and on and on and on and on.......

But one thing I have to tell you before I go is... Everything that you deserve Is waiting for you... Don't listen to anybody.. It is their experiences. Listen to You... Listen to your heart..  Make your own mistakes, because you will not grow from other people mistakes...   Make plenty of mistakes......  But pay attention to them and one day you to will be a teacher...... xoxo...

...

Naija adventures...

Sorry, I have not been active, but everything has been crazy over here... Work, maintaining relationship,  electricity issues, keeping myself safe, quality time... Kory still calls it vacation, but there is nothing about vacation past couple of months.. It has been constant work.. He has to snap out of it, and call it what it is.

I tell you honestly... End of the day.. I just want to fly to USA, and shower there, and then fly back...    But I am who I am, I am used to less, and there is nothing to complain about. In the end of the day, we got few hours of electricity, gas stow with tank,  little bit of running water, clothes to wear and roof over our head..   I can handle it well.. no wahala.....

I am happy.

This blog, is really all about my feelings and thoughts and things I believe in. SO one day I might be little pissed, but the next day totally normal.  It is all part of figuring things out .   Past few days I got couple of emails from people telling me, that they are happy to see me back and blogging.  I had no idea people missed my  stories.  BUT, HEY YOU... I AM BACK FOR REAL.. Be ready for  some sad, happy, fun stories, and please contact me personally, if you have questions. Don't go behind my back spreading rumors that carry no weight. Ask before.

But anyway. I am Happiest I have been for years.  I am in love and I  Love same time. I am at peace and I am content.  I am in a relationship so strong, that it had me question every other relationship I have ever had before.  This relationship that started out with situationship, but turned into this amazing worldwide  Relationship. From usa to china, from china to USA, and soon from china to Nigeria. Love found me again.  I was not ready, I did not look for it, but I had put it out to Universe, that I need someone amazing, someone who mirrors  me, someone who likes same things as me and someone who sees me.  My life is wahala free and I am so so so happy, that he took a chance on Us.

 Lot of you have been concerned about my well being.  Well, please don't be.   When I first started telling people couple of years ago that I AM GOING TO NIGERIA ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, I was  laughed at. I was told I will be raped, and  pimped out, and  most likely will disappear without a trace. And I was like. Oh bitches please. You don't know what you are saying. Do your research. You can  loose your kidneys here in China as well, You can get shot in usa , so. PLEASE,  don't feed me this shit. There is  terror everywhere in this world. You are not safe anywhere.  SO drop it..

But they did not. I kept hearing more and more how stupid I am to believe I will survive there( i don't know if I will, and its ok), but one thing I know. I am supposed to go there.  You know that feeling that you have in you...  That it will happen, you don't know how, but IT WILL... and then it happens...  and you don't know how you made it happen. It is amazing.

If I had not met Kory, i'd go there through other channels. I wanted to go and volunteer there. But he came along, and everything changed. Everything fell into place.   I told him couple of times that he Saved me. I really feel like it.  I am not easy to tame, and he managed it somehow.    Unbelievable  how one person can make you feel.   He is really the most amazing person in my life ( my son also, but it is all different)














His hand is mine to hold rest of my life...


Later today I will write another topic close to my heart, and please  don't turn away .. Read it, look at trailers, and SHARE .. PLEASE share that story...     Read it with open mind, and send that link to all your friends. I would not do it, if I did not trust the source.   That story will change your life.  And open up your minds even more....