struggles....

I was struggling today...

Company I am working for is called INSTACART and it  is changing. I am personal shopper and after I shop, i deliver items to customers for IC pay and for tips as well....  Pay has been lowered, our tips have been removed and there is more happening.. I am heartbroken over it.  When I started in January, my pay was about 25 dollars an hour, now it is about 15-19 dollars an hour,  But it is still ok. First time in my life I have been able to pay for rent and food on my own. Yes, it is  beginning of my "American dream" living, but i am more than happy to admit- this too shall pass. It is a entryway to something bigger that is waiting for me:) Just have to keep my chin up :)

Today was THE first time  IC threw me to the  curb, after I declined 7 dollars an hour shopping trips . I was mad because I did not meet my quota for a day to make rent money...  And I just calmed myself down and said, this too shall pass...

At that very moment, I felt pain physically crawling back to my body.  I felt Devil attacking me from left and right. I was about to break down and cry. But I decided to keep my shit together.. I headed to gym, started playing for my favorite worship music, and at that instance everything changed.

I casted my Worries on HIS shoulders....   I kept walking , and walking, and then did some mild jogging and before I knew I was running... And I did not feel any physical pain whatsoever...

I casted my worries on HIS shoulders....

Never give up.

I don't want to fall in love... Not yet..  Not today..
I don't want to loose my mind, not yet.. not today..
I don't want to feel vulnerable -- Not today....

But I am getting there.  I am ready to let love in again. I am ready to look someone into their eyes again and love what those other eyes tell me, see what those eyes feed me, love what those eyes stand for... ...  And I am getting close to letting love in...

It feels freeing . It feels powerful, it feels exactly how I want it to feel.     It feels scary, but there was this saying I read long time ago from somewhere ,  " If it does not scare you, it does not challenge you."....  Let me tell you something...  I am scared, I feel challenged, I feel powerless, I feel intrigued, and I feel  at peace and this is exactly where I want to be... I want to be here and present and at peace with me....

 Yes, of course I have my questions, but every question ever asked will get an answer, sooner or later.  There is not rush anymore in my life.   I don't want anymore - "RIGHT NOW".. It makes no longer sense.   AT THIS point in my life ........-----I want  forever....   and for "FOREVER", I am ready to fight for . I am ready to take a step back and live and learn and observe.     Forever promises to be beautiful.  Just just like I am, just like he is... just like out lives are...  beautiful....

to feel and to be felt, to love and to be loved, to see and to be seen.... cherish these moments,, remember them,  and never forget them........ xoxo