It is what it is...

O . M . G. 
I am saying this with my high pitch voice.... So much is happening right now and has happened..


First of all..I want to tell you that 2018 was amaziiiiiing... LOT of self growth and  all the aspects that linked to that #MILLENIALSENIOR cakeshit growth are true....

I am 40 and embracing the pain! Pain is part of the process.. Like waking up every morning and figuring shit out how to get out the bed. And smile and all the lovely... If you know what I mean...\
 AND I am also embracing the LOVE.. LOVe from my #becomingchurch in Aliso Viejo, , LOVE from the best peeps in my life, LOVE I give to those I have never met, LOVE i get daily bases from all of you, LOVE THAT KEEPS GIVING.... LOVE never fails... THAT is why I LOVE...
 

FIND LOVE IN EVERYTHING ...  JUST LOVE....





And I think 2019 will carry even more power. A N D... I am in charge. 

I will speak less and H E A R more......#GOD #LISTEN #CURSE #WORSHIP #love

Never give up.

I don't want to fall in love... Not yet..  Not today..
I don't want to loose my mind, not yet.. not today..
I don't want to feel vulnerable -- Not today....

But I am getting there.  I am ready to let love in again. I am ready to look someone into their eyes again and love what those other eyes tell me, see what those eyes feed me, love what those eyes stand for... ...  And I am getting close to letting love in...

It feels freeing . It feels powerful, it feels exactly how I want it to feel.     It feels scary, but there was this saying I read long time ago from somewhere ,  " If it does not scare you, it does not challenge you."....  Let me tell you something...  I am scared, I feel challenged, I feel powerless, I feel intrigued, and I feel  at peace and this is exactly where I want to be... I want to be here and present and at peace with me....

 Yes, of course I have my questions, but every question ever asked will get an answer, sooner or later.  There is not rush anymore in my life.   I don't want anymore - "RIGHT NOW".. It makes no longer sense.   AT THIS point in my life ........-----I want  forever....   and for "FOREVER", I am ready to fight for . I am ready to take a step back and live and learn and observe.     Forever promises to be beautiful.  Just just like I am, just like he is... just like out lives are...  beautiful....

to feel and to be felt, to love and to be loved, to see and to be seen.... cherish these moments,, remember them,  and never forget them........ xoxo

Long Distance

As I am sitting here in my apartment, in my comfortable king size bed,  covered in 100% silk sheets and comforter, listening to my favorite West Africa tunes, all I keep is wondering.  How to keep fire alive on long distance relationship on your late 30... I will be 38 years old this year, and  I am not even sure why I actually committed to LD relationship.   I had so many amazing people before in my life wanting to have relationship with me, and I pushed them away asap. And now He comes along, and I am like. YUP.. I wanna commit to it 100% . And I am. But what keeps me up at night at times is question.  WHY is he the chosen one? Why do I feel so strongly about him? Why I don't have any doubts that this will not work out?  And only  answer that comes to my mind is- Trust your inner voice.  It never lies. It will be difficult, but it will be worth it.  ANd before waters calm down, there will be few storms along the way.

I just had fun conversation with one of my friends today...  one of my favorite saying is...  If He is not who he plays out to be- there is this amazing thing called KARMA, and it has gigantic dick... I swear it does. Believe me when I say TRUST ME..... And Mr. Karma goes , and it Fucks him in the ass. literally.. and He will know exactly why he got fucked in the ass...  So . There you go.  I ain't worried....

 So I am not really  worried about this.. WHat I am worried about is. He is a man. He is surrounded by amazing females. Yeah, if he is good man, he will flirt, have few drinks here and there, and thats the end of it.  But  I was married to one amazing man for 14 years ... right???   Had long distance relationship.  and all. Trusting 100% till I could not anymore and then things fell apart.  And Because of that I know how things are for most of guys.  If I was in my 20s I would believe shit. Now , i listen, make mental notes, do my research and  lay it all out, and walk away. .

And Now I want to trust with all my heart, but that little % keeps telling me.. "Bitch  please get your shit together, and just take him as SPECIAL friend, snap out of it, get a cat, and pitbull  write tons of books and live happily ever after."

And I am fighting hard not to let that little voice in my head win.  So, I am doing everything to keep me busy not thinking about it.  and I already know one important thing- He has given me something nobody else ever has done before. He slowed me down. No other man after my divorce have  had that ability.    He came to my life on right time. I was already committed to quitting smoking, and now I am already 2 months smoke free,  I have cut down alcohol consumption tons, and I don't party anymore.  I have cut out pretty much all my party "friends", It just was not worth it.  I am so calm and quiet , it is scary even to myself.  I am concentrating all my energy towards making it work. Trusting, staying centered, staying calm.  Staying true to myself and to my feelings. I will do it till I feel like it is disturbing my life in a way, I can't function.

It is scary feeling to see our future with someone, but same time you are not with that person . You worry, obsess, dream, and care to the point ones heart hurts. In this case, mine-- my heart is hurting, it is vulnerable.  I opened it up , and at any given moment it can start receiving stabs.  And I have to be ready for it. Take it like a QUEEN and grow from it.  But I signed myself up for it, and I want to see how far can it take us.

SO even though I can't be with him physically, we are still on this journey.  IT could end tomorrow, or day after, or it can last for a lifetime. I don't know.  I have to be ready for it all. and I think I am.

We all deserve the best in this world, and I already have the best life, just hoping He is the Best person to join in and celebrate life...  But .. will take one step at a time, and see where our journey takes us.

I know I love Him. But at times it is not enough.


I am high of Love....