Collecting my thoughts.....

I have had interesting year.
Last year, I had made plans, that I will move to California before year 2016 is over. I had plans to move here in October, right before Halloween.. I did not know how I would do it if it is even going to happen  in october, but I knew I have to get my  behind out of China and back to where  I belong. I slowly started  ending relationships that did not serve me any good, that in a way were just situationship friendships - friendships of convenience.  After all- it is very hard to  create long term relationships there, since people are pretty much in and out of Hangzhou.... and me being single almost 40 year old  in there, just got tiring and boring.

In December I came to  California because I did not want to be in CHina during christmas.. I just wanted to be away...  I signed up for Tinder.. oh  YES I DID...   and after couple of pretty unsuccessful dates, I met someone who changed  me for better and stronger. I forever cherish that relationship, at one point I thought He could be the guy I am going to spend rest of my life with.. But life happens, and when you have your eyes wide open and intuition kicks in  and you have great friends who help you see ,  reality kicks in , and  what was golden in beginning was loosing its shine...   Sadly , I had to be the Bitch and call it quits, and after while we started chatting again,  but it got uglier, and I knew it was time to get my peace back. ..   In a way, he was the reason, I tried to get back to california  quicker to see if there was something to save... But   there was not... :)

Anyway, I got here, I spent amazing month at my friends apartment- Then got my place, quit smoking, but before that hit Tinder again. And  went few interesting eye rolling dates.  But I was not over my relationship while I was on those dates, so  I slowly backed away from them because it would have been very wrong for me to  start something , when I was still thinking about past.

 Sometimes in October I got my closure.   And I knew   I  definitely am ready for someone who wants me  with all the bits and pieces..  With all the  twists, and  folds and sarcasm, and  even occasional  eyerolling.  I know my worth, and  one time when I was about to go all in as me,  my patience was tested big time, and I  just allowed that person to leave as quickly as he wanted.  I have divorce papers to show, I don't have kids with tens of guys ,  and  God is my witness- I do not sleep around  or allow every penis to fall into me...    When you question about how faithful I am- it is not problem in me- It is problem in you.  

So ... after that I just stopped everything.   And got pretty sick.. am still seriously ill  but I am recovering.   While  I was home sick   I started getting messages  from someone i  communicated verbally for couple of months  in sept oct, but timing was not right  and  I backed away from it.  He Reached out to me again...   It is time before holidays...  And Lot of relationships that are formed now, will be over by Valentines day.    And I don't want to think about it.   I am ready for that Final lasting connection that will change my reality and  change everything I ever believed into.   I am ready  for that person who takes couple of looks at me and tells me-- I see you...   I am ready to fall  in love all innnnnnnnn again , and never fall out of love again.  I am ready to  have adventures I never had  make memories   with that Someone special  even he can't believe we did whaat?

  But I am not in a hurry.   Time I spend with myself is beautiful.... ahhh ...  I decorated my cute 5 ft christmas tree, right next to tv. I have candles everywhere I lit every night,  I have little star lights everywhere that turn on outo after being off 16 hours.    I am slowly filling my space with pieces of funky furniutre, that is ME....    I watch TV shows tht make me cry  like- THIS IS US... ( best show ever)...  But I am ready  to use word WE...   WE did this... We went there... We love this ... We cooked together.....   WE..........


 One thing I have not touched yet on this blog entry is my Son..... Oh.. I miss  US... :)    I miss that I don't live just 10 km from him. I miss seeing him whenever I wish .. I miss having our arguments and I miss  our  adventures in China.. I miss my son  so much, that at one point I was thinking about buying ticket pack to china   and fucking it all... But I did not.   He is in amazing hands, and he is great student and   i am sure he hates me ....   And that's ok..... I understand....   It is my first Christmas  being away from him and it sucks big time.  It hurts, that I can't make us real Christmas meal... Homecooked real Christmas dinner and exchange gifts...   But sooner or later it happens to all parents, that kids will be away and not home for christmas.... :)       I miss you Gabriel :):):):):)


In the end of the day... In 2016 i had my best and my worst moments....  But this year is not over yet.    Best is yet to come.... xoxo


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OMG...

Seriously you all... I got serious case of 'Manflu"... It's not funny.  Usually I am pretty good handling colds, and illnesses,and whatever else life throws to my way, but this time I seriously at one point thought - " I AM GOING TO DIE!"     End of story...  What is happening to me.. Why I am becoming more mellow when years pass by?  I never needed anyones help to get me on my feet- I was more like -- I GOT THIS... BITCH... step on side... haha....

But yes, now,  it is my first time being seriously sick. Gabriel- my son was usually near me when I was sick, and he ran to my rescue  on weekends past year or so. :) And Because I spend tons of time at home now, eating, thinking , watching all sorts of movies and eating more- I have tons of time to think about everything.  And from here I want to briefly mention about my latest short term fling...

SO for a very long time I did not let anyone between my sheets...  I just was not ready.  I wrote before that I went out on dates, but all the dates left me little disappointed . Until  I actually had very simple date  at Venice beach.   I love venice beach myself because of there is always so much happening..  You never know what you gonna get when you get there. .

SO anyway--  We had great  date, kept communicating  for a while, then I got cold feet, and took a step back, but in a way I still felt that he was around.. and once in a while we chatted.....    After second time we met  We had few arguments over chats, because I decided- I am going to be bluntly honest and when one are honest, it will get you in all sorts of trouble.
AND , we agreed, that we are going to be friends...  BUT, for some weird reason, he liked that I was mean?  Even thought I kept telling him- dude, we will never work..  Because I saw what kind of attention and affection he needed in relationship.  And I am not that kind of GIVER..  like NO WAYZA...   TO much for me to handle...   But we ended having a great time, and conversation great and we actually got a long amazing, when it was on his terms... WHEN i tried to voice my opinion and views, it went little sideways... AND   at that point I just  gave up and had no intentions to listen what he had to say... I am sorry.
I am grown woman. Because you have issues from your past relationships,  does not mean, you have to   put me on the same pot with all the other females  who ever hurt you.  And for me to see, how easily it was for him to withdraw from  our little  adventure- made me realize once again-  oh for god sakes... DO NOT even try to wake any feelings in female, if you actually have no intentions yourself invest your feelings into it.

 I do not take anything personally these days, I just sit back and tell to myself... YOU KNEW IT FROM DAY ONE-- this is how it is going to end...  Because words in the end of the day mean nothing....  

In a way I am just little sad...  I did like the guy...  Not many people these days can make laugh, and he had great sarcastic dry sense of humor....

Oh well....   Such is life...  But one thing I told myself.. After I get over this cold- or whatever I have... I will be OUT...  Out and about...

 I can't wait to put on some make up, get my hair done, get out of Pj's and have some fun... It is long overdue...........

Hurt and hurting.... ( My take in pain very narrow spectrum)

Pain is strange. It can be mental/psychological, physical, or just Pain  even though there is no reason for it( again... self created)...  Which means, we create pain for ourselves due to multiple different reasons... Some can't deal with relationship, some are needy in relationship, some are just needy.... But worst kind of pain comes from past losses.. even though one has dealt with past issues, time to time they will resurface and one ( like myself) has to deal with it again...   And sometimes it is absolutely fine to be in pain. It reminds us over and over and over again, that we are alive .  But one thing one has to learn , is how to deal with it, and not to let it get a way of living your life..

I am going to touch subject about guys again..  I wish I could call it topic about MEN, but apparently I keep meeting "wrong" men... Or broken men- as I would like to call them. I used to blame it on EGO, but I  gave up....

I Really , Really, really do know what I want in "OUR" relationship  ( whoever you are out there  meant for me).

*Honesty- DOn't wait me to ask questions... volunteer tell me your story-- please.. it's an order
*trust- trust me when I tell you something... I will never prove my point.....  It's not worth it...
*Respect- respect my point of view , and don't question it....
*Compassion- Be kind, be compassionate... It will make you feel good....
*Empathy- it's not all about you.. we all have different experiences in life... Be aware...
*Humor- Laughter makes a world go around....  Humor makes everything better
*Sarcasm.--- That's  my second language
*Open Mindedness-  I am world citizen....  I have been to places, I have seen things, I have experienced things, and so on....  "I" in this sounds like EGO speaking... but I here is also is ME...  I will never be the person I was few days ago, because I am constantly evolving till I am aware of me :)  

SO.. THERE YOU GO...  NEVER be in pain again.  Live the life the way it works for you... And if someone tells you,  you are unhappy or wrong.. It means you are in different level from them... OR their ego is stuck somewhere... But don't get   mean....

Life the life that is assigned for you...


Recognize the pain you once were in, and never allow it to come to your life again....

move on...


Lots of love ..

DST

My reality.

I want to start this blog entry off with positive note. I don't know what I would do without my friends.  I don't have many, but those who I have  are incredible.  I would be hot mess without them... I am hot anyway, but I do not wish to be mess anymore in my life... Been there done that.  Now I am just choosing to be hot, and sexy, and beautiful and confident and bold.   Take that :D...  ANd that is partly because I do have amazing group of female and male friends, who have been to hell and back and have vise words to share, sometimes I listen, sometimes I don't . I mainly listen, when I already have experienced something like  maybe I am about to experience again, but if I am feeling like, this  new experience, everyone warning me about   to stay away, and  just  don't do it....-- I will definitely do it... I don't learn from other peoples mistakes and lessons most of the time.... I learn and grow from the ones I make  myself.   Yes,at plenty of occasions I have run back to my friend and said .. DAMN, you were so right.... and they come back to me- I told you soooo, but you did not listen..... BUT THATS THE BEAUTY OF IT...  Not listen ,  have my own experiences, wake  myself up the way  I a m supposed to be awake  at this very moment...  Make heartbreaking mistakes and  learn from them... And it is beautiful all the way.. TO see how ones mind, heart and soul tries to balance everything out.  AHhh. its pain and pleasure in combined unity at work.

But from this I am moving to another topic...  Dating.. I don't go to lot of dates...    I wrote about it little before.. I cancel my dates before they even happen, because something in me just tells me, he is not at the best of state of mind, and words/sentences/ promises-- 2 hours after you start talking to someone is bogus. For example


- I want to make you my Queen
- Right now you are my princess, and next step for you would be amazing QUeen, I would carry you on my hands( good luck with that I weigh 170 lbs.. hmh) handle that , and I would marry you...
- WOW, your eyes, they are piercing, I got lost in them
- your accent-- so sexy,  I wan't to hear it all my life, all day long, I would never get tired of it.
- mhhhhh your ass is fine girrrrllllll...  please, please, just walk in front of me... mhm
- we got connection going on in here.. you said hi, and I said hi... We definitely are connected... And your name,,, DIANA.. oooh,,  You are the mysterious Diana, and you will be all mine soon.... ( rolling my eyes again)
... I can go on and on and on and on and on about it... THis kind of messages I got even before meeting up with someone.     Come on people... They all scream--- I need to get laid-- My wife is pregnant, my girlfriend is out of towns,  I am homeless,   These are not pics on my profile- im just catfishing,   Lets see if she going to fall into it--- well, she is european, they love how people say I LOVE YOU and they fall in love right away and do my laundry and make my dishes, and so on...( go suck your own dick please...) --- WE ARE ALL HUMAN- and  luckily only thing europian right now about me is my accent.....  If you are good man.. I might cook for you or do your laundry.... BUT  trust me--- I will know if you are a good man...  Drop the game and  say what you want at first place... gonna save lot of time your part, and my part...


But all that aside... I  have laughed inside so many times people try to pull that crap on me.  SERIOUSLY... who is falling for that--- you talk to person for 5 minutes and you are soulmates  in his eyes and heart.... WHICH HEART I ASK?????  

life is tough.

One topic I would love to talk every day, but in a way refuse , to or ease my way to different topics..... is My SON...

I got so much hate and dislike from people  when I got back, about me leaving my boy to best hands possible( after me of course) my ex husband.  People are so messed up, it is not even funny.  One thing is my friends who have seen me through out the years struggle... ... they get it... but   there is couple of groups of people  who have KNOWN ME, but don't know me,  and there is group who have seen my travels and amazing life......  and refuse to see that there was ever struggle to end up where I am today.

  Well one thing I have to say is.  I did not leave my son.  And my ex husband did not rob him from me.  We all have different lives, and one again- all you proud mothers who say-, " how can you give up your kid to that asshole.... "//well.. my ex is not an asshole, and my kid is in right hands... ( to be honest, he was an asshole for a sec or 2.. eehhh...... now not anymore)   . Gabriels father is great and responsible father. To this date, Gabriel has 2 step siblings, one brother and one sister, and I hope and pray, they grow up to be  teammates one day... It will take tame, but that is my hope. :)

One thing to this day that I have learned is-- love really does conquers all.. love yourself, love your friends, love your next door neighbors-- even if you don't know who they are, but when they cook-- it smells amazing... love those who scold you, love  your morning face, love your toes when pedicure is overdue... LOVE every inch of your beautiful you....  tell yourself you are beautiful and amazing... and rest will fall into place...  xoxoxo         im just a woman of few words....

on my own....

I had very quiet day today.   I only spoke to 1 person  on phone today, and thats how my days mostly are.   I chat a lot, but I keep it to myself.   I almost feel like I am starting to lack people skills, which is not true of course, but silence really is golden sometimes.
  People at times are afraid of their own thoughts, but I am not anymore.. I used to be. I was terrified to think....  and it took me a while to get me out of that phase..... yes... Years ago, I did not want to think, and escaped  my space and spent it with those I recognized were on the same boat with me...  But that was temporary.

What I really was thinking today when I did what I wanted to do was...
I woke up sick. My body hurt,  I could not breathe,  I could not even have a sip of water without having tears in my eyes, was-- I thought to myself...  This is just a fluke, just another test, I have to rise above it, I can't be sick, because only person who can take care of me is me.

OH, you have no idea, how much I wanted to just lay in my bed and wait it out, Hoping pain will go away, hoping someone will come to my rescue.. But in this case,  that only someone is me.  I pushed me out of my bed, made me hot tea,  turned on some relaxing Native American music and just took tons of deep breaths in and then let some out...  and i did if for about some 40 minutes maybe. Well...  I felt better for sure, but it was all in my mind. I WAS IN CONTROL OF ME...

At one moment, I just told myself- get your ass up, and leave your space. GO out there, go to the place that gives you peace... ANd I did. I took a long hot shower... Water hitting my face and body felt divine.  I stood at shower my face facing shower head.  .. I don't know how long I stood there, but it felt like eternity.   I was touching myself all over me, and all I could think was- Damn, I feel good, my curves  are all in right places,  and my mind is shifting into something I always wanted it to be--- In my space..  ANd I felt in control of my present situation.   I felt beautiful, and alive , and blessed...... after that  I just cleaned up and   I went to Laguna beach...  I spent 2 hours there.    Just people watching.. with my purple hair and pilates pants.... And sculls tank top.      I love ocean, but same time I am so scared of it and that is why I always end up in there... Just Like I am with forest... I need to be near nature, but unknown within it scares me.....    but same time fuels me.    Hugging trees, stepping on moss or listening to waves and letting cool water to hit my feet.... Same feeling... empowering  and hoping that  I am in control...


I have to stop this post , of I am going to  go on and on and on and on and on.......

But one thing I have to tell you before I go is... Everything that you deserve Is waiting for you... Don't listen to anybody.. It is their experiences. Listen to You... Listen to your heart..  Make your own mistakes, because you will not grow from other people mistakes...   Make plenty of mistakes......  But pay attention to them and one day you to will be a teacher...... xoxo...

...

Dating..

So here I go. Dating... What the fuck does one woman has to do, to have a good date? The one who is not seeking for sex, but truly is seeking for some sort of connection.....   Let me tell you what she has to do.....

SHE HAS TO PUT OF WITH TONS OF SHIT!!!! And I  am not joking around now.

MY good friend X knows how I feel about sex. I love it, but  there is no reason for me to give it up for some stupid random one night affair. SO I am still a "virgin"... YES I AM!!! And I am proud of it...  hahahah What I mean by that is, since may, I have kept to myself.  What is the point going out there, meeting someone, counting  1 date, 2 date, 3 dates... and then guy knows,--- AAAAHHHH,  yeah, all girls have 3 date rules... After third date they hope to get laid,   and then run as fast as they can...   I have seen it couple of times. I have been out on few dates, and after third date, guy usually runs... or stops trying to impress me with his stupidity  and just walks away.--- WOrds like  Sweetheart, babygirl, gorgeous, blue eyes, princess , my Queen, Beautiful,  My only..... Disappear overnight.    

I don't understand why girls fall so quickly for it...  and then complain my boyfriend of 2 days left me after I gave in.... GIRLS, stay  longer than that... Build a friendship.  FIND OUT WHO HE REALLY IS. If you want a relationship,  you can weed out   10 pm booty call guys by staying true to what you really want... Of course, if it is only sex... go there and have as much as you want... GO FOR IT... good for you!!!!!!

But now back to topic...  Since June I have gone to dates  with 4  "men"....  First one I "swiped out", was actually  pretty impressive.  If was in my 20s, I would have totally melted...   Now i was like, lets wait it out... he will show his true colors soon, and soon enough, he sent me message to  pick him up from his new workplace to drive him home.... LET ME TELL---I ONLY saw him once at a coffee shop....    There is #lyft  that he could call for....   That tell me right away- most likely has 10 roommates and  only couple of square feet for himself.... Get your shit together ....  Good luck...


Date 2... He had everything going for him...  But what he said, just raised some attention  in my conscious mind..and  all I  could think of was --- MARRIED.....  He was to  careful.....   He asked me when can we meet again, and I said pretty much today.....  and he never followed up..  SO I know he is having fun with someone else... good for him...

Date 3... I don't know what to say about him..  I am just going to leave it blank.... I felt like I was raped on set .... there was no physical contact...  But it was one of the most uncomfortable dates I ever was on......  Removed and blocked the person after meeting him...

AND... there is date number 4.... Actually... he was 1st person I met  when I moved back to cali.. HE is calm, collected,  has vision, has passion, and has been respectful.  Well, the thing is... I am not stupid... If I say no, and we are not inclusive, there is always someone  who can say yes, after he leaves from date... RIght?  I am not bothered by that..  you do whatever you do before you find  what works for you....   But please, don't  call me stupid for not taking you for a test drive  when I am not ready.. :)  Smily face, smily face... hashtag  looking for my last love......  I met him and I am intriqued....


And there is one more person.... Date number 5 I have not met yet..... Conversations are great, but universe does not want us to meet. There is always something happening before  I get to meet up with him...  SOmetimes it is a great thing, but sometimes it is not that good.... God and my own intuition have never lied... SO maybe there is a reason.


So woman, girls, princesses, queens, ladies-- listen... Don't fall for that  BS you are fed on your first couple of dates of meeting someone.....  THINK hard  what works for you... Of course--- nice words work for all of us... BUT in beginning it is all words...  You want to see his actions.   He better show his actions..  He better, make you feel like  the QUEEN( not princess) with his actions...  He better,  give you flowers ( most men don't like giving flowers, because it is significant, it represents commitment ,  or it means something...  SO be careful with gifts and flowers early on...Accept them, but dont question... Just pay attenion....


 I really don't want to be downer Diana,  but I have been hurt, I hurt people, I have seen shit been there done that... ANd I am still "Virgin".... And  proud of it...  Love you , love your body, love everything about you, and  You will see the light.... Light- lights, brightness,  happiness.... You will be content in yor own skin, and nothing will shake you........ And you will be happier.. you will be free...