struggles....

I was struggling today...

Company I am working for is called INSTACART and it  is changing. I am personal shopper and after I shop, i deliver items to customers for IC pay and for tips as well....  Pay has been lowered, our tips have been removed and there is more happening.. I am heartbroken over it.  When I started in January, my pay was about 25 dollars an hour, now it is about 15-19 dollars an hour,  But it is still ok. First time in my life I have been able to pay for rent and food on my own. Yes, it is  beginning of my "American dream" living, but i am more than happy to admit- this too shall pass. It is a entryway to something bigger that is waiting for me:) Just have to keep my chin up :)

Today was THE first time  IC threw me to the  curb, after I declined 7 dollars an hour shopping trips . I was mad because I did not meet my quota for a day to make rent money...  And I just calmed myself down and said, this too shall pass...

At that very moment, I felt pain physically crawling back to my body.  I felt Devil attacking me from left and right. I was about to break down and cry. But I decided to keep my shit together.. I headed to gym, started playing for my favorite worship music, and at that instance everything changed.

I casted my Worries on HIS shoulders....   I kept walking , and walking, and then did some mild jogging and before I knew I was running... And I did not feel any physical pain whatsoever...

I casted my worries on HIS shoulders....

Questions...

When Christian sister who sees you hurting gives you advice....

Maybe you should have  allowed your ex husband to cheat on you , because you are not what HE desires...

But at least you would have had the life that GOD planned for you...


 ME: WTF... Is this some sort of Orange County Christianity????

Lets cry together .

How do you feel after a good CRY?

Today is the first day of rest of my life..

Before I say anything else, I am going to say this...Kids, don't do drugs and stay in school. With that said... Bare with me...


This past weekend was an extraordinary weekend.I am at loss of words. Nothing will ever be the same.

It all started out with my trip to Woodland hills area to visit my BFF and her family.  We planned to hit LA and Hollywood.  I love getting away from orange county, because I just feel so "dead"in here.  I only moved back to OC because it is the place what I know.. My kids grew up here, went to school etc.... Well, long story short.. After few cocktails , dancing and laughing , we left party scene and headed back to my friends place.. AND then everything got Interesting...


My life is forever changed.

In the midst of everything, I had a chance to experiment with something I have never ever tried before...  MileyCyrus has referenced "this "in her song...

I remember thinking... FUCK, how much more horrible my life can get, If I am going to die soon I rather die today and happy, But something else happened instead...

15 minutes into it my whole body relaxed, I excused my self and I went and lied down... Next thing happened was- with eyes closed I started seeing laser show - very short laser show. And what happened next I will never forget... All of a sudden whole room was filled with the most calming white light, And I could feel the energy around me.  Suddnely I heard the Energy saying- DIana, we are ready for you . We have a place for you.  I did not ever think for a second, and I responded.. IT IS NOT MY TIME! MY SON NEEDS ME .

All of a sudden the light was not around me, but it slowly distanced, and  miracle happened... I heard my daughter REGINAS GIGGLES.. I DID  not hear her giggle out loud,  But I heard her energy. SO happy, so light, so  lively... I sensed the energies of my grandparents, deceased relatives ... e3tc... I could not see them, but I felt them and I saw flashes of energy sliding through me, and through other people... BUT reginas  Giggles put me at ease.. SHE was free and she was happy, and she did not even know I was hurting...... ALl of a sudden, I felt someone else in the room with me. It was little Girl Regina was friends with in St JUDE, but she died early on.  Her energy was not saying anything, but it was talking to me.  She wanted me to reach out to her mother and tell her mom not to be sad anymore,  Because their sadness and guilt does not let her glide like other free and happy spirits... I was just quiet, but in my mind thought, I will do this for you. Just  be free...  And with that said, i could feel the heavy burden lifted off my chest, I started breathing again.. But all I could see were spirits all around me. They were just trying to find new bodies to take place in... I can not explane this to you.... I could see everything that was happening, and with each happening, the burden I was carrying got lighter.... I just remember breathing deep breaths, and with each deep breath out, something something left my body, that I was not able to let go before...

I remember seeing this all and thining- THIS IS WHAT HEAVEN IS LIKE!!!  No pain, no worry, no material posessions, just happiness and purest most innoscent joy- just the way we are born into this world....

The light around me remained the whole time... The invitation to join the Heavens garden when my time comes remained....  And next things I remember is taking lot of deep breaths .. A LOT OF  deep breaths.....and saying out loud --- I SAW THE LIGHT many times..!!! I KNOW WHAT INVITATION MEANS NOW, I know how amazing GOD is, and I KNOW what kind of life waits for me .. I am not blind anymore... I was blind but now I see...

But this is not it... THis whole experience lasted for an about 4-5 hours... And I saw someone  elses spirit/  energy..... I visited his mothers gravesite last year, and it was surreal experience... It was not my experience, but "he saw the light" then....  I have never met my friendes mother, but I could hear her accent and  smell all the jamaican food and I knew exactly who that person was...

And even more happened  that I can't explain.

One thing I know-- I will never be the same...Nothing ever be the same for me... But I know now - I was not living-- I was just existing....

I AM SO HAPPY FOR TODAY!!!. I am so happy for this experience... And I am so happy to know now , what happens to us after our spirit/soul  leaves our borrowed bodies. 

What my spirit saw is freedom...  We never leave this earth. We remain here, but  we remain without past memory. WE remain as innocent souls and we glide, and slide, and laugh and giggle till we found a new cell.


February 16th, 2019 ....

It is what it is...

O . M . G. 
I am saying this with my high pitch voice.... So much is happening right now and has happened..


First of all..I want to tell you that 2018 was amaziiiiiing... LOT of self growth and  all the aspects that linked to that #MILLENIALSENIOR cakeshit growth are true....

I am 40 and embracing the pain! Pain is part of the process.. Like waking up every morning and figuring shit out how to get out the bed. And smile and all the lovely... If you know what I mean...\
 AND I am also embracing the LOVE.. LOVe from my #becomingchurch in Aliso Viejo, , LOVE from the best peeps in my life, LOVE I give to those I have never met, LOVE i get daily bases from all of you, LOVE THAT KEEPS GIVING.... LOVE never fails... THAT is why I LOVE...
 

FIND LOVE IN EVERYTHING ...  JUST LOVE....





And I think 2019 will carry even more power. A N D... I am in charge. 

I will speak less and H E A R more......#GOD #LISTEN #CURSE #WORSHIP #love

 Thoughts from today...

....  Ask before you assume… ASK before you belittle someone you met briefly. ASK before you jump into conclusions… ASK BEFORE  YOU MADE UP LITTLE STORIES IN YOUR MIND THAT FIT YOUR REALITY….  Be curious. And be accepting and open to receive an answer, that is different from your perception…   And seriously,  be ready to receive no answer at all… 

If you do not want to ask… Stay humble…. 

STAY OPEN… "

Diana...

September.

Today , for a hot second, one of my favorite Instagram pastors posted something, that made me boiling mad.... It was not directed towards me, but I felt personally attacked.  And I still do.

What she said is.. " Look at you! living just fine without the person you thought you needed!. "

I know it was not directed towards me--- ME - MOM , who lost  my firstborn  Child  to cancer 9 years ago- Had divorce almost right after that, and then decided to leave my son  with my ex husband who is now married to mistress he known since 2003?   And I was married to him  since 1998-2015 ( WTF)  And they Since 2015 have had 3 more kids...........  AND YES---  it  all hit a nerve in me.

NOT the part of  me living just fine with the ASSHOLE I thought I needed,

 But me Living without the most amazing Girl who had so much to teach to the world....   I Miss My Girl Regina every day.  EVERY day I find reasons for me to live and carry on.. EVERY day in my life I push myself harder to  get that goal I have in my mind, and every day i Live , I move further away from the  pain I introduced and invited to my life ....   I am Healing...



 And it feels good..... Miss my Guardian angel..... ... Forever in my heart....Forever 10....

Terviseks.

When Was the last time you did something major for yourself? What was it? How did it make you feel?

If you can answer all of these questions with positive outlook... CONGRATS.. You are an happy person....

BUT if you answered last question with an answer--GUILTY--  We have to work on this... We have to work on Y O U!!!

YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT WORKING ON YOURSELF...


I know all about it... I was was people pleaser  for years and years and years... And I did everything for others.. AND there was  absolutely nothing wrong with that..  At least that is what I thought at that very given moment.....But I forgot to be selfish. And it is a MUST in every persons life... YOu have to be selfish for your own good.  You have to be selfish to  survive and help others..

How many of you been inside of an aircraft. Sat down... Heard or read  emergency manual.... What does it say about oxygen masks?   YOU HAVE TO fucking take that mask and push it over your mouth and nose first...  AND THEN HELP OTHERS...


Same principles apply to your life... Help yourself first ...  Give yourself love first. Turn that negative thought into positive... Instead of thinking I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DO THIS, think along the lines... I know someone who has done this... Let me contact her...   Or..  I hate dieting,

AND WITH THAT .. Everything changes... but first. You must accept the fact that you are amazing and deserve the fuck out of this world!!. GO and GET IT!!!! If you read this now, know this... YOu are luckier than most people , you are amazing, you  can accomplish anything you want and YOU ARE FINE!!!!. 

What is your  overall mission statement?!
What are some of your Personal, physical, social, family, career, financial  , educational goals?
Think about them... Write them down... Print it out, or write it out, and use this statement for an about a week... ANd if it feels wrong, change it around till it sticks!!!

Mine overall mission statement is..
My mission is to take action on those areas in my life , I only dared to dream about. I am a woman of many talents , and I am ready to share them with the world.  I will no longer fear rejection and will take all steps/ risks needed to live/ have successful life mentally, spiritually financially.  I am worthy the best of everything..... My journey my rules...

Seasoned and sassy..

 Oh boy... Where do I start...  Before I get all emotional and shit, let me just tell you one thing.... From my last post to NOW, everything has changed... AND I MEAN -- E V E R Y T H I N G-

I  am back in college of course. AND LET ME TELL YOU.. Age 40 I graduated with with    A's... Well, one course was B, but not because study...  one day I had to take my friend to doctors office, and his appointment  was past his time... And then I got flat tires, and when I got home, my course was already half done,  and that was 100 credit class..> COOKING AND RECIPE MODIFICATION!!!.  That was another AHAAAA moment in my life when I realized,,, I got to put myself first..... But anyway.... Looking forward to my fall semester... College is so much fun, and information I am learning right now is mind blowing... I see some 20 year olds at a class, and they can't understand what they are learning...   All I do is smile and think to myself... Trust me,, you will get it one day ;)

Something in me snapped, "DING, DING, DING, DING" sound came on, and LIFE as it best started happening... I could not have asked for the best 5 months in my life... I did not see the things that have happened coming  but I can finally see the future that Is meant for me happening...  As I am typing this, I am getting little teary eyed because for years I have lost my vision, and I searched it all wrong places, till  The force lead me to one amazing place I always underestimated.... Church...
Don't get me wrong... I have been to Church for many times. I grew up going to church in Estonia.. NOT every sunday, but Church was part of our upbringing....  I just liked it because I got to see all the relatives and family and friends at church at those occasions when I went... It was so much fun....

So I joined Becoming Church family. And It has been the best blessing in my life ( beside my kids of course) to the date.  I will definitely write more about my Becoming family in laters posts, but let me tell you what has happened sense...

I scored a job that is perfect fit for me.   It was not the position applied for, but as I am growing  , I am realizing, THIS is the greatest fit for me. I love my Team!!! It has been amazing growing platform and an eyeopening experience and I want to learn more.
 Prior to that I applied so many jobs and I always got NO, you are not a good fit for our store, or office, or coffee shop or whatever...  And that can be discouraging .
Anyway.. I work for "AMAZON" now... Well, It is Whole food grocery store, actually, but since amazon owns it, I am Amazonian now.. ( people have called me AMAZON woman  before, so  Now I AM FINALLY ONE... How Ironic...lol.. :)  I tell you honestly, I am so grateful for this job.  It is not easy, and in the end of the night my legs hurt, my feet hurt, my hands hurt... BUT MY MIND--- it is different story.. It is at peace. I am exactly where GOD wants me to be. And I have a job!!. It only took me year and a half to get it, but I DID NOT GIVE UP!!!...  Job is a job!!!.

I just want to share you one story  about WHY I do what I do...  2 days ago one of  WF repeat customers came back and out of a blue, before he started ordering he said-- "I WANT TO THANK YOU from bottom of my heart . COuple of weeks ago I came to the store and you were closing your section, and food was all in trollies, but you took time to help me to get what I need, and you were patient and kind and I just want you to know, I really appreciate you. " 

MOMENTS like that  just make me want to pull out box of tissues and weep for a hot second...  And it is only one of many  feedbacks I have received during my 2 and half month work at whole foods...

Yes, there are those who come and yell, and complain and nothing is never right, and food is wrong, and I am wrong... And I decided, I am not going to give power to that anymore...  It is not my fault, you did not get laid last night. ;)... hahah :D Just Saying....

AND  one more thing... I work in a MENS world... I only have one female team leader..  TRUST me, it is frustrating at times...   But I just have to remember to breathe in, and remind myself this too is temporary ;)

 ... WAIT... story is not over.... Church-- check.... JOB- Check.... Time for hobbies ... CHECK........
Starting my own FINANCIAL FREEDOM... C H E C K.........

YESSS!!!!!  I finally  have become THE CRAZY OIL LADY.. I had no intentions becoming that, but  it has taken edge off of me..

I started just thinking... EHHH. starter kit is all I need...  2 months into it... MY whole thinking about oils and life and friends, and freedom, and people has changed.. I LOVE  our oils... Young Living has transformed my homelife..  I got Oil for everything.  Seriously... And that is just a start for me.. I am supper passionate about this and  I can't wait to share my Oily love for you ;) lol

I am making candles, taking hot oily baths, face treatments,   etc......  Chillaxing... and it is all because of I was introduced to oils.... It is my TIME!!!


For years people tried to get me sell their products, but after month  I lost trust in the product... I got heart palpitations, mood changes, mood swings,  skin rashes, etc... And I was like.. NO SHAKE FOR ME!!!, or no body wraps for me, or noooooo MOOOOREEEEE  un necessary vitamins  .... DONE WIth it!!!.. BUT oily life and toxin free household cleaners.. Is ALl I do for myself now.... It is sooo cool and amazing, and my cat is loving it too :D


There is saying... All bad things are happening at 3's....

Well, I got to say this... ALL great things are happening in 4's or 5's or 6
s or 10's.....  SO many amazing things have happened to me, since I started living and moved on from what does no more good for me....

Gymlife is still amazing. Sadly because of my demanding work schedule, I am not able to commit to it as much, but I am not given up on my  fit journey...   My main goal was to get my MIND FIT...  That happened, and when  that happened, everything else fell into place as well...  One puzzle peace at a time :D  LOVING IT!!!!!

OH and btw.... I SHAVED MY HEAD ;) And I colored it PINK...... MY OWN FREEDOM!!!!... There is no price stamp for that!!!!  Flirty 40's have started my friends..... AND I got a oil for that ;)

 What have you done lately to yourself that makes you smile ?

Fitnasss.. my ass...

Here I am in my cozy bed, but in fucked up bedroom..  I just did 4 loads of laundry and I have no desire to fold it till I am ready in few days...  Helloo single life, do the fuck you want between your 4 walls...  If I don't want to do my laundry today--  I am not going to do it.. If I don't want to mop my floors today... I AM NOT GOING TO MOP THEM.. Does it make me lazy... NO, I am just RELAXED at this point ;). I am not a hoarder and my place is clean, so ...  Laundry can wait, floors can wait... BUT what can not wait is my BOOKS.... I am full time college student, and every day I have some sort of paper due.  I don't let it affect my life in general, but it is my main focus  and goal to be the best I  am. I want to be my own role model in the end of the day. In 2 years I want to finish college, look back and say...  YOU MADE IT!!!  It is hard, but doable..  My mind needs to focus 400% more at this time and age. 
I am stubborn as fuck.   But one thing I had to let go when I started my college journey  was- BEING stubborn about learning new things.. I am re learning everything at this point. Times have changed,  patterns have changed, diets have changed... BUT what has remained the same is.... BASIC foods and  our relationship to food...   We all are still addicted to food. We try to find ways to get away with our addiction to food, but if you are not in amazing shape or have 40% of body fat -- you better watch out your calorie intake... 

Carbs, fats and protein have to  be indigested in harmony.
1 gram of carbs=4 cal
1 gram of protein =4 cal
1 gram of fat =9  cal.

eat minimum  135 grams of carbs(540 cal) per day.. IT keeps your brain active. Do not listen to fad diets. If you are not bikini  body competitor... whatever.. NOT MY THING....... BUT - drop this shit and have your carbs...  Carbs do store more water  but its ok!!!!  CHoose your carbs wisely.... ;)
and about 144 grams of protein( 576 cal). These are just resting metabolic rate numbers... Meaning I DO NOT HAVE to work out to loose weight. THis is for maintaining weight......  these numbers are low.
I weigh 172 lbs..=78 kilos.   i should be eating in daily about 1440 calories for maintaining my weight...  To loose , without adding any workouts, I should be consuming 1200 cal( never drop below this number)... 

TO show you my progress... In september 2017 I weight 205 pounds... In February 2018 I weigh  172 pounds.... It is slow progress, but i am moving in right direction.

 Anyway...

Stop fad diets. STOP listening to tv and newspapers and  magazines about next best thing...  YOU ARE SHIT BABY!!! YOU ARE BEST EVER... eat your food in balance and  your body will thank you....  IT might seem scary at first, but you know what is scary... Ending up in hospital, doctors telling you- there is nothing we can do for you....   

Make food your friend... rest will follow.... xoxoxo


love....

Calm after a storm....

 I have been in a funk for few past days. Some of it is associated with Regina and Valentiens day-  I just remember the way she used to draw hearts and spread joy and happiness all around her.  And I just misses to pieces.   The other day I wrote Instagram post about it as well... I have so many bottled up feeling inside me when it comes to her.  One of them is all about love. I have so much love in me, that I want to give to her, and I want her to feel it, and not being able to do so, is rough.  My love for my kids is unconditional.  Gabriel and Regina will always be loved equally in my heart. Often times it might seem that I talk more about Regina than Gabriel, and some of you might want to say;" OH, but your son deserves all your attention now." 

I have to disagree there.  He gets my attention , but if I'd give him attention that is not meant for him, it would do more harm for him than good. And with that, i will just leave it there.... We all have our ways of living and loving...

 
Now fast forward to my second reason of feeling little emotional.

 In December 2017 my paths crossed with someone I though does not exist.  He is my Unicorn. Men like HIM  don't exist. At least THEY DID NOT , before he appeared  out of nowhere , without warning.... Just  Being himself.... Just radiating his energy into this universe at his terms ... And I caught it....


Month after our initial meeting we connected, and our teamwork started.   I help him out what he needs on his journey to top, and He trains me to the point I don't know where I am at...

At first, when  I started training with him , I had no feelings towards this situation. I just needed that kind of calm energy around me that he carried with him.

Fast forward to now-- 2 months after our initial meeting. He is my trainer 2 times a week. I have let my guard down and today first time during our workout I let my emotions run wild and I cried . I cried about everything. I cried about  losses in my life, I cried about settling for less and I cried about slowly falling for him.

We chat a lot. And first time in my life I am chatting about Things that matter.. First time in my life I am putting myself first, and   Someone Who i thought could never see me, sees me..  For me, it just blows my mind.  How is it possible, when you  say nothing at all, you say it all same time....

So today I cried. I cried because My  walls/ guard is coming down again. And RJ has  huge part in this part of my journey.   And I wanted to resist it soo bad....


I don't show my emotions a lot.  I laugh, I smile, I joke, I kid, I brush it under the rug, and keep building this wall of mine thicker and stronger... And Then He came along, and I could see the wall I am building getting   weaker and weaker, and trembling here and there and bricks one at a time are falling off from random places....

RJ  was sent into my life to  better it....

And our paths crossed in one reason only...  Never forget where you came from......  make best of it with what you have...

Freedom....

What freedom means to you might not be what freedom means to me.
For some  of you freedom simply is getting away from kids, going to bar, date night, spa, nail salon.. etc...

For some freedom is to go and sleep around  spread lies and hurt people , and do whatever the fuck else  they want. And then they get away with it, because they are so amazing manipulating this freedom of theirs...

For others it might be getting home, taking off all clothes , turning on zen music and just enjoying comfort of being home.. And of course there are those who does not believe that such thing as freedom exists...

We all have our freedoms.... But are you really free?

For me journey to  MY FREEDOM started years ago.  At that time I was not quite sure what I was searching, but I knew I wanted to be "free".  Free does not mean single, or alone, or lonely, or lost, or doing my own thing.  Free for me means-  able to   live my life on my terms, and able to let go whatever does not allow me to blossom and accept it all that feeds my soul the way I don't never have to hide again.

Freedom is a beautiful thing but sadly not everyone understands it.  When I  go to bed at night . Lay my head to pillow. Close my eyes, take a deep breath in, and then breathe out.....  Think about  what my mission is..... And with that... I know I had the best possible day , with the best possible outcome... It does not matter how rough it was-- it was still the best day ever, because I am still alive . I am still breathing and I still have a vision..

Freedom for me means - to be me and to be accepted by others the way I am...  And when you find that tribe of yours... You know you are finally home....

Random dating thoughts.

When I am overly excited and engage a lot in conversations, and send cute messages to guys-- I get a feedback I am to clingy and needy.

When I don't  engage to much,  just nod  my head and stay  just "cool".. I have been called cold and lacking of emotion.

When I am myself, laughing, smiling, happy,  expressing my feelings, talking about my passions... I get told.- YOU ARE PERFECT CATCH, WHY ARE YOU SINGLE?.

And there I am , Fucking single, staring a guy straight into eyes and tell him-- I am FUCKING PICKY....   I know what I want...

For fucks sake-- it is 21st century.. 2018. What does a woman has to do to actually pin down a man? Because this woman here for sure is not willing to settle for some half ass fake , dating 10 girls at a time kind of "boy".   We ether date or we do not. I do not have time for between. 

Why is it a sin to have High standards?  Or being 39 and been told by 50 year old  man-- oh, you are old already...  Why you even think you are worth love?    Seriously? How sad your life has to be to stoop to that kind of level , to belittle woman?

 Blows my mind....

This year, new vibes, new passions, new everything...

Dayum....

Lets just say. I have not done  "real" writing for a while.  I did some emotion driven writing based on whatever emotions I had in me , that were looking for a way out.   time to time we need all  need some sort of  layout .  Vent, bitch and moan... Some  of us turn to friends, some of us  turn to therapy, and some of us turn to sex.  And myself I have turned to myself last year and whatever I missed in my life is  finally manifesting right at this moment.

Everything starting since  from November 2017 to this point at 2018 has been  for some reason miraculously amazing to me.   Beginning every week I though, something will happen that will dim my success... But it never happened... 8 weeks fast forward to now... It just keeps getting better... Every word I have ever put out there to universe about what I wish and need and want and desire , is happening right at this point... I wake up every morning smiling again. I look forward to my days instead of threading them... I pray again. I smile again.

This January has been blessing in every way . And it is not over yet. And most important part of it all is... I AM NOT AFRAID OF GETTING LIFES BLESSINGS ANYMORE. We all get a break at one point in our lives. And mine is finally here.... I think I have done something right .... :)

xo

2017

WHAT?

Already ending?  I need one more month to make it right .. JUST ONE MORE MONTH OF 2017....

I am not going to write about 2017...   There is nothing to write about it.. It was my year of adjusting back to  culture in USA... It was dramatic at times.. But after you have lived in Asia for a long time, you would understand what I mean...  ALl of you who would say, WHY?  Seriously?  Stop trippin.... etc...  I have one thing to say... Move out of your comfort zone for 6 something years, and we will talk then...  So...   If you really wish to know more about   what I mean by " adjusting" ... Ask me...

 I also managed somehow to forgive myself this year.... It was one of the hardest things I have ever done.......   Forgiving myself was something  I had  wanting to do for a very long time.... In fact- Since year... 2000 .But I just kept  putting it on back burner..If you do not address it it does not exist... And I did not have solid proof for years, because, there were no smart phones and no  screenshots..  and no saved chats....




We "broke up" couple of times during our marriage. 
   Meaning, we spoke about divorce, because I just could not take his cheating anymore..
We lived under the same roof , but living separate lives.... And then coming together again as couple and then breaking up again.....  So fucking unhealthy... But  that time it did not seem like that.....


if I spoke about it to my friends, they would tell me to get out of marriage, leave him,  I can do it on my own , I can find a new man,  I am better without him. etc..   AND YES, they would have been right. But for some reason, I could not do it, and open up about it. 

So I stayed.  For kids.... For me.... For him...... Even knowing I was not the only one...


I  stayed and forgave  pretty much for whole 15 years we  stayed  married....


So this year.. I forgave myself for allowing this kind of relationship to last for that long.

Because when I demanded LOVE, RESPECT and HONESTY from him- I got  deceit, disrespect and lies, and much more.....  And I forgave him for years and years and years and years

  I could talk about it for hours.... There is so much you all do now know...

All I can say now is...  There was a reason he was sent to my way..     mhm....

Because now, I do not give a guy even 15 MINUTES after  I find out he lies to me...  I kind of like it:)  Life lessons are great...


 SO I managed to forgave  but I will never foget

Dear life...

  I feel horrible for not writing for so long.  I really have no excuses .  And I can not  apologize for it ether. It has been interesting  month or so....

 September 19th and 20th were 2 really horrible days for me. I  am grateful for my friend who  took me under her wing and offered her company for these 2 days.    I felt myself slowly falling into darkness again, and those who have been there , know how it feels to be alone and scared and frustrated and fragile and misunderstood and angry, and sad, and mad  and feel hate and love and more frustrations, and more darkness and more everything else that is not possible to put into words...

The feelings, I  felt not for that 2 days, but for  whole 8 years are only  imaginable by those who have lost a child.  But around every major Memory that is associated by Regina , I turn into this hot mess, and as much as I try to be on control of everything, It is not possible for me to stay completely in control of my emotions.  I have been told so many times you have PTSD...  ANd then I have been told- when I open up about it,  NO YOU DON't , you never went to war... You did not kill anybody or did see anybody killed.....   Well, for those of you who have said that , and are reading it right now, I did see someone I gave birth to be killed by cancer, by medications,  by my own choices even maybe, because who am I to know what is right or wrong to do or suggest or  whatever when my own child has cancer?   There Is not right or wrong...  Action has to be taken .... And hope it turns out to be  Right step...

You lie to yourself every single morning - that it will be alright, because if you don't lie to yourself that everything will be alright you will be mess, not able to breathe, sleep, see, feel.....   So I told myself, I got this shit, and we will be alright....


I lied to my friends that I am ok, to my family, to doctors, to psychologists, to strangers....  I lied till I could not anymore...

And now 8 years later, when I am telling the truth, most people have pulled away, because they don't know how to react to it, how to comfort, how to be a friend...    Can I blame them?  No , of course not..  

They go back to avocado and kale and wish for miracle cure for all of their problems....  I don't have time for that shit....

Let me end this post before I get more passionate about it......

 I have issues,, I know...  I just wish no mother ever has to loose their child again, but it is naive wish...    So my humble suggestion to you is...     Don't be intimidated.... We  moms who have gone trough hell , are tough as fuck...  But we are still human.  Our reality is different than yours, but it does not make us better than you in any way.. Our wisdoms are different, and accept that...  Be there for as us well,  we need a ear and a hand and a shoulder to cry on time to time........

.... love to you all....

setback....

First of all, I want to apologize to all of you , who have sent me messages, and emails, and I have not responded to them...

All of you who are moms, or , amazing friends, or even amazing open minded humans, know what intuition is!!! You know something is wrong with someone close to you in your life, or with someone you vibe well with... it is just that feeling...

I woke up today feeling sick. I was sweating my heart was racing,  and I could not even concentrate .  I would sit on a sofa and shake... ( not because of alcohol--- I cut my drinking down to weekends these days)...   I could see my heart wanting to jump out of my chest, and that made kind scared....  And my mind went straight to Gabriel- my son , who lives in china... He is 16 years old ... and i miss him way to much...   Few minutes after that, I got a message from Gabriel, asking me to contact Hangzhou international school, because he is really sick....  I almost lost my mind..  I was like, where is you father?  And  Gabe said- he is never here.....   My heart just stopped for few seconds....
I  got all these emotions in me, and I could not let them out.. All I could do was to just smile, and tell him everything will be alright, and he will be fine...  and drink and sleep, and drink more water or gatorade... Just relax and don't worry about anything......

So, after I was done chatting with him...  Calmness kind of came back to me, but now I am just angry.. Angry at myself for many reasons... and  for a split second.. I wanted to let myself go again...  Eat uncontrollably, drink bottle of wine, and send tons of angry messages to G's father... But I composed myself...  And told myself.. this is it.. Never again, will I let this man to get under my skin... Because if i do, I might end up in jail , somewhere in China......

Just hoping that my awesome rockstar son gets better soon

Free yourself...

What is your freedom?

How do you see yourself, vs how your peeps see you?

my thoughts tonight are simple...

My  peeps see me stronger than I appear...  

Why...

Because...

 I forgot to show me and my weaknesses.. Because I forgot how I talk to myself  is important........

Welcome to House of Chaos..

Few things have changed  over here. I adopted cute kitty.  When I was in the midst of my mental breakdown, I just realized I can't be alone . And I checked into local shelters for pets for adoption. I was interested in female kitten...  As I started scrolling down, there she was.... 2 and half months old and her name was listed REGINA....  I contacted shelter, paid 150 dollar adoption fee, and  now I am mewmma :D  I call her Gigi, and she is a riot... BTW.. She was the least cute kitty at the shelter, but  she was meant for me. . Sadly, I do have pretty bad cat allergy and have to take meds , but at this point it is ok. I am not asthmatic .  Which is good news.....  We get along great, and she is great little ray of sunshine :D Helps me with my anxiety  a lot :D

'

Second huge change is...  Lot of you know , that I started working out with personal trainer.. But she is doing more for me than just helping me get in shape.  She is like my mental organizer.  When I walked through gym doors, I was complete mess. I worked out every day sometimes 2 hours at a time.. I ate healthy, I did not cheat with my meals,  I drank no more than 2 glasses of wine per night, but once in a while did have saturday nigh binge drinking with friends... 

  When I signed up with my gym, I was assigned personal trainer.  I did not know who she was,  I did not know If i'd like her, and I did not even actually think I will sign up for personal training sessions....  It was just too expensive for me, and I though I have to give up a lot to afford her....

From the first moment on when I met her, I liked her energy.  I can't explain it.  She moved me. Her whole presence moved me...  After she weighed me and measured me, she asked me to tell her my story. j I usually don't start crying right away, because I am so used to telling my story, but at that moment when she asked for it, something in me  cracked, and I broke down and I told her short version of my story..   Tears just kept flowing, and  I knew She was placed into my life for a reason. WHile I was telling her my story, I had made up my mind to hire her as my personal trainer for 16 sessions..  

We have had 4 sessions..  When I first started I was soo closed down emotionally, physically.  My body was holding into every ounce of food I ate...  It did not matter what I did, it just ketp piling up...  She opened something in me, and after 2 sessions with her , I started feeling like newer better version of me.   

It was the things she said, routed me back to tracks I was supposed to be on. But life choices, relationships , toxic friendships, people  I allowed to  walk all over me and my own mind- just threw me off rails for a while....

I still get teary eyed in beginning of every workout, but I channel those tears into fixing myself, and getting my healthy mindset back. To much shit has happened in my life and I have to somehow forgive myself, for allowing that to happen...   

At least  I am on a right track :)

 I believe Kim is - what everyone needs in their life... That voice that whispers you-- it's all in you.. Dig deeper... You got this... ..

 Also, I  had another huge Ahaaa... moment .. But I will write about more, when I am 200% sure  it really was AHAAAAAAAA moment.....

BTW...  All of you who are reading this..   I am just looking for support :D   I have all the answers, and I just need little UMphhhhhh once in a while to  push me another level......

love...xoxo

Bitch, Please!!!

Well, title to this post is very general. I use those 2 words at least 100 times through out the day, but I do not say it out loud.  I may hum a little when I say it, but... I keep it to myself...hahah .. I actually wanted to make this Instagram post, and be super inspirational and shit, but decided to blog it instead.


So, I have an accent. Those of you who have met me  know this. I might use words incorrectly, or make up my own words randomly, if word does not come to me. SOme of my sentences are built so wrong, even I don't understand what I am saying, but I just don't care.

I just want to make a quick point about something.  Because I have an accent, I am not a moron.  I am not stupid. I am not the one you should take advantage of, or pour your heart out..

I am HUMAN first. I have feelings, thoughts, hobbies, life, family, my own opinion,  etc... For  you to think of me lesser, because of my broken english or judge me based of how thick my accent is, says lot about you...  How many languages you speak yourself before you start judging me or other  people with accents?  tell me please?.. OH, you say you speak spanish.. PLEASE!!! LET IT OUT, and let me find a   native spanish speaker to judge you and  your accent.... How does that feel now...

THen you might say.. But you live in usa.. You should not have accent like this...  And then I might totally get all hot inside and little crazy etc...  And I might say - just to annoy you.... YOu know what... Drop  your  pants...  I wanna see  your tiny sad dick with no balls where most of your   empathy and understanding  comes for others...

WIth that said...... All I really want in this world is.. TO have understanding and love for one another.   We all live on the same planet.  Why not accept and understand one another's differences and grow from it, instead of spreading hate everywhere?  I know, I sound naive now.. But what is left there to wish these days.  I am so sad, that people walk around their head stuck in their asses and behaving like ones...


I am just angry today.........