I feel horrible for not writing for so long. I really have no excuses . And I can not apologize for it ether. It has been interesting month or so....
September 19th and 20th were 2 really horrible days for me. I am grateful for my friend who took me under her wing and offered her company for these 2 days. I felt myself slowly falling into darkness again, and those who have been there , know how it feels to be alone and scared and frustrated and fragile and misunderstood and angry, and sad, and mad and feel hate and love and more frustrations, and more darkness and more everything else that is not possible to put into words...
The feelings, I felt not for that 2 days, but for whole 8 years are only imaginable by those who have lost a child. But around every major Memory that is associated by Regina , I turn into this hot mess, and as much as I try to be on control of everything, It is not possible for me to stay completely in control of my emotions. I have been told so many times you have PTSD... ANd then I have been told- when I open up about it, NO YOU DON't , you never went to war... You did not kill anybody or did see anybody killed..... Well, for those of you who have said that , and are reading it right now, I did see someone I gave birth to be killed by cancer, by medications, by my own choices even maybe, because who am I to know what is right or wrong to do or suggest or whatever when my own child has cancer? There Is not right or wrong... Action has to be taken .... And hope it turns out to be Right step...
You lie to yourself every single morning - that it will be alright, because if you don't lie to yourself that everything will be alright you will be mess, not able to breathe, sleep, see, feel..... So I told myself, I got this shit, and we will be alright....
I lied to my friends that I am ok, to my family, to doctors, to psychologists, to strangers.... I lied till I could not anymore...
And now 8 years later, when I am telling the truth, most people have pulled away, because they don't know how to react to it, how to comfort, how to be a friend... Can I blame them? No , of course not..
They go back to avocado and kale and wish for miracle cure for all of their problems.... I don't have time for that shit....
Let me end this post before I get more passionate about it......
I have issues,, I know... I just wish no mother ever has to loose their child again, but it is naive wish... So my humble suggestion to you is... Don't be intimidated.... We moms who have gone trough hell , are tough as fuck... But we are still human. Our reality is different than yours, but it does not make us better than you in any way.. Our wisdoms are different, and accept that... Be there for as us well, we need a ear and a hand and a shoulder to cry on time to time........
.... love to you all....
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