Calm after a storm....

 I have been in a funk for few past days. Some of it is associated with Regina and Valentiens day-  I just remember the way she used to draw hearts and spread joy and happiness all around her.  And I just misses to pieces.   The other day I wrote Instagram post about it as well... I have so many bottled up feeling inside me when it comes to her.  One of them is all about love. I have so much love in me, that I want to give to her, and I want her to feel it, and not being able to do so, is rough.  My love for my kids is unconditional.  Gabriel and Regina will always be loved equally in my heart. Often times it might seem that I talk more about Regina than Gabriel, and some of you might want to say;" OH, but your son deserves all your attention now." 

I have to disagree there.  He gets my attention , but if I'd give him attention that is not meant for him, it would do more harm for him than good. And with that, i will just leave it there.... We all have our ways of living and loving...

 
Now fast forward to my second reason of feeling little emotional.

 In December 2017 my paths crossed with someone I though does not exist.  He is my Unicorn. Men like HIM  don't exist. At least THEY DID NOT , before he appeared  out of nowhere , without warning.... Just  Being himself.... Just radiating his energy into this universe at his terms ... And I caught it....


Month after our initial meeting we connected, and our teamwork started.   I help him out what he needs on his journey to top, and He trains me to the point I don't know where I am at...

At first, when  I started training with him , I had no feelings towards this situation. I just needed that kind of calm energy around me that he carried with him.

Fast forward to now-- 2 months after our initial meeting. He is my trainer 2 times a week. I have let my guard down and today first time during our workout I let my emotions run wild and I cried . I cried about everything. I cried about  losses in my life, I cried about settling for less and I cried about slowly falling for him.

We chat a lot. And first time in my life I am chatting about Things that matter.. First time in my life I am putting myself first, and   Someone Who i thought could never see me, sees me..  For me, it just blows my mind.  How is it possible, when you  say nothing at all, you say it all same time....

So today I cried. I cried because My  walls/ guard is coming down again. And RJ has  huge part in this part of my journey.   And I wanted to resist it soo bad....


I don't show my emotions a lot.  I laugh, I smile, I joke, I kid, I brush it under the rug, and keep building this wall of mine thicker and stronger... And Then He came along, and I could see the wall I am building getting   weaker and weaker, and trembling here and there and bricks one at a time are falling off from random places....

RJ  was sent into my life to  better it....

And our paths crossed in one reason only...  Never forget where you came from......  make best of it with what you have...