https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8CFZpC_QZs&index=8&list=PLDB6A374AD23973A7
all i hear is music... I am Happy, and I am safe, and I want everybody to believe what I am saying...
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Long Distance
As I am sitting here in my apartment, in my comfortable king size bed, covered in 100% silk sheets and comforter, listening to my favorite West Africa tunes, all I keep is wondering. How to keep fire alive on long distance relationship on your late 30... I will be 38 years old this year, and I am not even sure why I actually committed to LD relationship. I had so many amazing people before in my life wanting to have relationship with me, and I pushed them away asap. And now He comes along, and I am like. YUP.. I wanna commit to it 100% . And I am. But what keeps me up at night at times is question. WHY is he the chosen one? Why do I feel so strongly about him? Why I don't have any doubts that this will not work out? And only answer that comes to my mind is- Trust your inner voice. It never lies. It will be difficult, but it will be worth it. ANd before waters calm down, there will be few storms along the way.
I just had fun conversation with one of my friends today... one of my favorite saying is... If He is not who he plays out to be- there is this amazing thing called KARMA, and it has gigantic dick... I swear it does. Believe me when I say TRUST ME..... And Mr. Karma goes , and it Fucks him in the ass. literally.. and He will know exactly why he got fucked in the ass... So . There you go. I ain't worried....
So I am not really worried about this.. WHat I am worried about is. He is a man. He is surrounded by amazing females. Yeah, if he is good man, he will flirt, have few drinks here and there, and thats the end of it. But I was married to one amazing man for 14 years ... right??? Had long distance relationship. and all. Trusting 100% till I could not anymore and then things fell apart. And Because of that I know how things are for most of guys. If I was in my 20s I would believe shit. Now , i listen, make mental notes, do my research and lay it all out, and walk away. .
And Now I want to trust with all my heart, but that little % keeps telling me.. "Bitch please get your shit together, and just take him as SPECIAL friend, snap out of it, get a cat, and pitbull write tons of books and live happily ever after."
And I am fighting hard not to let that little voice in my head win. So, I am doing everything to keep me busy not thinking about it. and I already know one important thing- He has given me something nobody else ever has done before. He slowed me down. No other man after my divorce have had that ability. He came to my life on right time. I was already committed to quitting smoking, and now I am already 2 months smoke free, I have cut down alcohol consumption tons, and I don't party anymore. I have cut out pretty much all my party "friends", It just was not worth it. I am so calm and quiet , it is scary even to myself. I am concentrating all my energy towards making it work. Trusting, staying centered, staying calm. Staying true to myself and to my feelings. I will do it till I feel like it is disturbing my life in a way, I can't function.
It is scary feeling to see our future with someone, but same time you are not with that person . You worry, obsess, dream, and care to the point ones heart hurts. In this case, mine-- my heart is hurting, it is vulnerable. I opened it up , and at any given moment it can start receiving stabs. And I have to be ready for it. Take it like a QUEEN and grow from it. But I signed myself up for it, and I want to see how far can it take us.
SO even though I can't be with him physically, we are still on this journey. IT could end tomorrow, or day after, or it can last for a lifetime. I don't know. I have to be ready for it all. and I think I am.
We all deserve the best in this world, and I already have the best life, just hoping He is the Best person to join in and celebrate life... But .. will take one step at a time, and see where our journey takes us.
I know I love Him. But at times it is not enough.
I am high of Love....
I just had fun conversation with one of my friends today... one of my favorite saying is... If He is not who he plays out to be- there is this amazing thing called KARMA, and it has gigantic dick... I swear it does. Believe me when I say TRUST ME..... And Mr. Karma goes , and it Fucks him in the ass. literally.. and He will know exactly why he got fucked in the ass... So . There you go. I ain't worried....
So I am not really worried about this.. WHat I am worried about is. He is a man. He is surrounded by amazing females. Yeah, if he is good man, he will flirt, have few drinks here and there, and thats the end of it. But I was married to one amazing man for 14 years ... right??? Had long distance relationship. and all. Trusting 100% till I could not anymore and then things fell apart. And Because of that I know how things are for most of guys. If I was in my 20s I would believe shit. Now , i listen, make mental notes, do my research and lay it all out, and walk away. .
And Now I want to trust with all my heart, but that little % keeps telling me.. "Bitch please get your shit together, and just take him as SPECIAL friend, snap out of it, get a cat, and pitbull write tons of books and live happily ever after."
And I am fighting hard not to let that little voice in my head win. So, I am doing everything to keep me busy not thinking about it. and I already know one important thing- He has given me something nobody else ever has done before. He slowed me down. No other man after my divorce have had that ability. He came to my life on right time. I was already committed to quitting smoking, and now I am already 2 months smoke free, I have cut down alcohol consumption tons, and I don't party anymore. I have cut out pretty much all my party "friends", It just was not worth it. I am so calm and quiet , it is scary even to myself. I am concentrating all my energy towards making it work. Trusting, staying centered, staying calm. Staying true to myself and to my feelings. I will do it till I feel like it is disturbing my life in a way, I can't function.
It is scary feeling to see our future with someone, but same time you are not with that person . You worry, obsess, dream, and care to the point ones heart hurts. In this case, mine-- my heart is hurting, it is vulnerable. I opened it up , and at any given moment it can start receiving stabs. And I have to be ready for it. Take it like a QUEEN and grow from it. But I signed myself up for it, and I want to see how far can it take us.
SO even though I can't be with him physically, we are still on this journey. IT could end tomorrow, or day after, or it can last for a lifetime. I don't know. I have to be ready for it all. and I think I am.
We all deserve the best in this world, and I already have the best life, just hoping He is the Best person to join in and celebrate life... But .. will take one step at a time, and see where our journey takes us.
I know I love Him. But at times it is not enough.
I am high of Love....
Friday, March 25, 2016
Kory In CHina
When Kory was here in China, we had so much fun. I flew to Beijing to greet him there. I love Beijing It is afterall my first home in China. I love everything but air quality about it... I can handle beijing traffic. Its ok. Not the worst. Comparable to 405 or 5 traffic during rush hour.. But In Beijing it is all day long like that. Anyway- we had so much fun. Great wall, forbidden city, Hutong tour, Sanlitun bar street, few restaurants here and there, of course Beking Duck, Jade factory, Silk factory.. From there on we moved to Hangzhou, where I live.
We did not do much here. Just Chilled. Seriously- his whole trip to china was chill- with few ups and downs.. Come on- we were together in china 24/7 for 2 weeks... and we did not kill each other. There were moments I could not breathe- I had to go out and take a breather.. but it was not because he was here. It happened because-- I was not sure what was happening. Were we in a relationship, was he using me, were we in a situationship, what the fuck were we doing.. It just got little overwhelming at times, and I did not know how to handle it... But one thing I knew, I had fallen him really hard. I could see future with him, and I still see. .... So those downs... They were in a way clarity moments.. THose were those dark corners everybody is talking about, those were moments, that made us stronger.
From Hangzhou we flew to Guangzhou for a while. It was just to check out how things r in there- keeping business in mind....
From there on we got back to Hangzhou and enjoyed our time here.... I created slideshow with photos on youtube... Seriously.. I am having the time of my life, and I dont want this ever stop.... He is my person...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0PvdGK5Q10
and another slideshow of his adventures here in China..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9fxftj7ns4
I am enjoying this adventure to the fullest... Only time will tell.....
We did not do much here. Just Chilled. Seriously- his whole trip to china was chill- with few ups and downs.. Come on- we were together in china 24/7 for 2 weeks... and we did not kill each other. There were moments I could not breathe- I had to go out and take a breather.. but it was not because he was here. It happened because-- I was not sure what was happening. Were we in a relationship, was he using me, were we in a situationship, what the fuck were we doing.. It just got little overwhelming at times, and I did not know how to handle it... But one thing I knew, I had fallen him really hard. I could see future with him, and I still see. .... So those downs... They were in a way clarity moments.. THose were those dark corners everybody is talking about, those were moments, that made us stronger.
From Hangzhou we flew to Guangzhou for a while. It was just to check out how things r in there- keeping business in mind....
From there on we got back to Hangzhou and enjoyed our time here.... I created slideshow with photos on youtube... Seriously.. I am having the time of my life, and I dont want this ever stop.... He is my person...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0PvdGK5Q10
and another slideshow of his adventures here in China..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9fxftj7ns4
I am enjoying this adventure to the fullest... Only time will tell.....
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Enjoy it all
Few months ago I told myself, I'm fine on my own, I am fine without meaningless relationship, I am fine without love in my life. And I was fine. After my divorce few years ago I really thought I am done with everything, but you know life has different plans, and I fell once hard for someone. ANd I am glad I did. After that I had few mediocre fun situationships that lead me to HIM.
He entered my life when I did not want anything like him. I had already made plans for life, I had accepted that I will do my thing till the day I die. had plans to move back to California, get few cats, maybe Pitbull... etc.. I was not looking for a boyfriend, or someone to fall in love with. Along the line I realized guys are drama, and I wanted to stay away from it all... But then miracle happened...
Sometimes in December I signed up to Tinder... Just because, I knew I will travel to USA and I was on a mission to find few dates here and there, to see what is available, because I planned to move back to Cali in october.. and I wanted to see if there are guys available at all.
Well, funny thing is.. I told myself, I really want to have nice WHite boy for a moment. Because In china i only dated Africans( not african americans).. And I was kind of tired of the game, and talk. But same time, I was not even sure what I wanted...
SO TINDER.... oh.. I had about 40 matches within 4 days.. But I only kind of chatted with 4 guys. Rest of them were not even what I was interested.. Was just playing the field to see, what hooks...
Lined up 3 dates... They were not horrible. They were just what I did not need. First guy I only chatted for 10 minutes, then stood up and said sorry, Can't - we want different things....
Second guy, was leading all wrong way... FUll of shit... I know game when I see game....
Third guy... He was actually acceptable... and something I could handle, but I realized, he too only wanted something else, and was just saying all sorts of things to lead to one thing... whatever....
ANd then... One night... after I picked up my Best friend from LAX, we were both swiping again. After my last date, I told myself - I am so done with it... I keep attracting what I dont need, and it is getting little annoying to be honest... SO there I was and I took my last swipe... and there was match...
I was like... really? like why? I am leaving USA in 3 days to China, and i got a match and we gonna have coffee in morning... And at that point I did not know He had Aafrican roots.. I just knew he was charming, the way he communicated ,was smart and I was intrigued....
So in morning I woke up, sent him message, asking him.. he is still up for us meeting, because I had a feeling, he had changed his mind....
I literally felt it. I felt like he was in between .. But thankfully, i messaged him, and it made him actually show up...
We were supposed to Meet at Starbucks.... BUT my navigation did not take me there. It gave me different address. And so I called him and said, sorry.. it is not working out fine . I don't know this area, but I am in front of coffee bean.. and can we meet here.. And we did....
ANd the way we met was interesting.... I was on one end of store and he was at the other, and he called me , where I am at, and I answered... He was in one end of store, and I was in the other, and the moment I answered the phone .. We both kind of stepped out behind the corner and saw each other... ANd something in me went YUP.... HE IS IT.........
I can't explain it... I just new... I NEW... Maybe he did tooo... BUT something in me cracked... and it had not happened since 2013. AND he was not even something I wanted in my life. TOTALLY opposite what I was asking from God. But I guess GOd new what works for me, and He was right... It has been perfect mix of everything.
We have our challenges..But such is life... There is no rainbow without rain.... To Be continued.....
Missing the one....
He entered my life when I did not want anything like him. I had already made plans for life, I had accepted that I will do my thing till the day I die. had plans to move back to California, get few cats, maybe Pitbull... etc.. I was not looking for a boyfriend, or someone to fall in love with. Along the line I realized guys are drama, and I wanted to stay away from it all... But then miracle happened...
Sometimes in December I signed up to Tinder... Just because, I knew I will travel to USA and I was on a mission to find few dates here and there, to see what is available, because I planned to move back to Cali in october.. and I wanted to see if there are guys available at all.
Well, funny thing is.. I told myself, I really want to have nice WHite boy for a moment. Because In china i only dated Africans( not african americans).. And I was kind of tired of the game, and talk. But same time, I was not even sure what I wanted...
SO TINDER.... oh.. I had about 40 matches within 4 days.. But I only kind of chatted with 4 guys. Rest of them were not even what I was interested.. Was just playing the field to see, what hooks...
Lined up 3 dates... They were not horrible. They were just what I did not need. First guy I only chatted for 10 minutes, then stood up and said sorry, Can't - we want different things....
Second guy, was leading all wrong way... FUll of shit... I know game when I see game....
Third guy... He was actually acceptable... and something I could handle, but I realized, he too only wanted something else, and was just saying all sorts of things to lead to one thing... whatever....
ANd then... One night... after I picked up my Best friend from LAX, we were both swiping again. After my last date, I told myself - I am so done with it... I keep attracting what I dont need, and it is getting little annoying to be honest... SO there I was and I took my last swipe... and there was match...
I was like... really? like why? I am leaving USA in 3 days to China, and i got a match and we gonna have coffee in morning... And at that point I did not know He had Aafrican roots.. I just knew he was charming, the way he communicated ,was smart and I was intrigued....
So in morning I woke up, sent him message, asking him.. he is still up for us meeting, because I had a feeling, he had changed his mind....
I literally felt it. I felt like he was in between .. But thankfully, i messaged him, and it made him actually show up...
We were supposed to Meet at Starbucks.... BUT my navigation did not take me there. It gave me different address. And so I called him and said, sorry.. it is not working out fine . I don't know this area, but I am in front of coffee bean.. and can we meet here.. And we did....
ANd the way we met was interesting.... I was on one end of store and he was at the other, and he called me , where I am at, and I answered... He was in one end of store, and I was in the other, and the moment I answered the phone .. We both kind of stepped out behind the corner and saw each other... ANd something in me went YUP.... HE IS IT.........
I can't explain it... I just new... I NEW... Maybe he did tooo... BUT something in me cracked... and it had not happened since 2013. AND he was not even something I wanted in my life. TOTALLY opposite what I was asking from God. But I guess GOd new what works for me, and He was right... It has been perfect mix of everything.
We have our challenges..But such is life... There is no rainbow without rain.... To Be continued.....
Missing the one....
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Worried Sick...
Sending all my love to his way.......... xo
Monday, March 21, 2016
Wize wordz
Dont settle for less....
What i mean is.... Every day we get hit by tons of meaningless words... And it is our job to make sense of them. Every time In my life i have dated someone- I have heard from them _ I LOVE YOU words... I have responded to there words only about 2-4 times.. and really meaning them... why I say 2-4 is because ... I was not sure i felt what I said.... But since i was 16 years old I have heard I LOVE you more than 20 times... COuld be even more than 30.. I don't know... Words mean nothing to me.. actions do.. and if I love I LOVE HARD... I fall hard and recovery will be hard also... BUT I D O NOT use words to lead in a wrong way...
All I know is.. I have loved, and I have lived ... and I have settled.. ANd Iam so ready to settle again with somone .. SOmone who will compliment my life... somone who will be my bestie for rest of my life..... I have and idea who.. and i hope its him..But I am trusting timing . If it happens it happens... If not. it was not meant to be...
There are no losses or wins in this adventure.. All we have is this MOMENT.... I don't know what will happen in 5 minutes... Enjoy the moment ... Enjoy your journey. just live just breathe just BE....
I know now -- I LOVE someone... And i hope i will not be disappointed by his actions....
What i mean is.... Every day we get hit by tons of meaningless words... And it is our job to make sense of them. Every time In my life i have dated someone- I have heard from them _ I LOVE YOU words... I have responded to there words only about 2-4 times.. and really meaning them... why I say 2-4 is because ... I was not sure i felt what I said.... But since i was 16 years old I have heard I LOVE you more than 20 times... COuld be even more than 30.. I don't know... Words mean nothing to me.. actions do.. and if I love I LOVE HARD... I fall hard and recovery will be hard also... BUT I D O NOT use words to lead in a wrong way...
All I know is.. I have loved, and I have lived ... and I have settled.. ANd Iam so ready to settle again with somone .. SOmone who will compliment my life... somone who will be my bestie for rest of my life..... I have and idea who.. and i hope its him..But I am trusting timing . If it happens it happens... If not. it was not meant to be...
There are no losses or wins in this adventure.. All we have is this MOMENT.... I don't know what will happen in 5 minutes... Enjoy the moment ... Enjoy your journey. just live just breathe just BE....
I know now -- I LOVE someone... And i hope i will not be disappointed by his actions....
Saturday, March 19, 2016
WOW
Here I am again. I haven't blogged for a while... I can't access couple of my blogs in some weird reasons.. SO, Im going to use this one to update what the fuck is happening in my life.
long story short... I'm super fat, fattest I have been for years. I'm about 82 kilos... Last year on my Birthday I broke couple of bones around my tailbone... Refused surgery... Could not work out for months... Then I just got comfortable.. And decided, I don't give a fuck about this worlds fuckery.... Just do my thing... Then --- I kind of injured my ankle, then got shingles, and after that.... I met love of my life... Weird how things work...
Last time I was in love it ended bad.. And I told to myself- I will never fall in love again.. .But... He came- and changed my life for better.I don't know if it will last for rest of my life, but for now-- He is all I want....
I met him when I was not looking at all. He is exactly what I have been looking for. Everything to the point... lets say 98% of what I have been waiting for...
But to be honest.. It has been hell of a few years... I'm finally calm, quiet, and centered. It took a while for me to get here. Tons of soul searching, tons of tears, tons of upset moments and tons of eyeballs...
But I'm still here standing...
My life is not easy. People think it is. Most of them see me as Kept Woman... Good for them... Think what you want... I don't own anybody any explanations. All I know is... Life is great. And if you loose yourself in this brutal game.. Get your mind on it, and work your ass out of the mess you created to yourself....
been there , done that.. Never again....
...
so yeah.. I met him when I was not looking. I was already 78 kilos, not looking, not wanting to fall in love. But the moment I saw him-- I knew He is it for now... Now could be forever, but I don't know, so I keep my mind open ...
..
Everybody tells me to be careful... Pretty much 99% of people I know.. And I'm like.. I was careful all my life.. I am done being careful.. I take my chances... Because, if Donald becomes president, we all will be fucked anyways... SO.. I am taking my chances.. He could be married somewhere.. I don't know. As long as I don't know ... I am fine... But till then, I enjoy this ride with Him. He makes me smile, and laugh and dream big. So.. this is good for something..
So far everything in my life has been Great for something... And I leave it with that.... So much to tell.. But it is all about timing .. when Time is right.. I will tell...
#love #ankuri#dreams
long story short... I'm super fat, fattest I have been for years. I'm about 82 kilos... Last year on my Birthday I broke couple of bones around my tailbone... Refused surgery... Could not work out for months... Then I just got comfortable.. And decided, I don't give a fuck about this worlds fuckery.... Just do my thing... Then --- I kind of injured my ankle, then got shingles, and after that.... I met love of my life... Weird how things work...
Last time I was in love it ended bad.. And I told to myself- I will never fall in love again.. .But... He came- and changed my life for better.I don't know if it will last for rest of my life, but for now-- He is all I want....
I met him when I was not looking at all. He is exactly what I have been looking for. Everything to the point... lets say 98% of what I have been waiting for...
But to be honest.. It has been hell of a few years... I'm finally calm, quiet, and centered. It took a while for me to get here. Tons of soul searching, tons of tears, tons of upset moments and tons of eyeballs...
But I'm still here standing...
My life is not easy. People think it is. Most of them see me as Kept Woman... Good for them... Think what you want... I don't own anybody any explanations. All I know is... Life is great. And if you loose yourself in this brutal game.. Get your mind on it, and work your ass out of the mess you created to yourself....
been there , done that.. Never again....
...
so yeah.. I met him when I was not looking. I was already 78 kilos, not looking, not wanting to fall in love. But the moment I saw him-- I knew He is it for now... Now could be forever, but I don't know, so I keep my mind open ...
..
Everybody tells me to be careful... Pretty much 99% of people I know.. And I'm like.. I was careful all my life.. I am done being careful.. I take my chances... Because, if Donald becomes president, we all will be fucked anyways... SO.. I am taking my chances.. He could be married somewhere.. I don't know. As long as I don't know ... I am fine... But till then, I enjoy this ride with Him. He makes me smile, and laugh and dream big. So.. this is good for something..
So far everything in my life has been Great for something... And I leave it with that.... So much to tell.. But it is all about timing .. when Time is right.. I will tell...
#love #ankuri#dreams
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