I do not know who are my blog readers . I know about 15 people who religiously tell me they have "checked " it out and love it... An I can see country map , where readers come from, and browsers they r using... BTW.. I had no idea that my blog would pop up on some porn websites.. That was just weird.. But the other day, when I was checking traffic flow into DO NOT MESS WITH DIANA... lol- 2 of sites were pretty hardcore porn sites... NO IDEA HOW that happened...
I Do watch porn myself, so... I don't know... mhm
Well, now.. It is 30th of December here In So Cal. I am in my apartment, My christmas tree is all lit in blue and white lights. I did take all ornaments away and put them to storage... No need for them right now. And I am happy.
This past year has been amazing adventure. Last year this time I was Cat sitting my best friends cat In Woodland hills, and was thinking to myself. I WILL BE BaCK living here next year, same time... And I am back. And I am not gonna move my nice out of here.. My home , my territory.....
So all in all.. I had to give up a lot to gain LOTTER something.. I cried my eyes out night in and night out. But in the end of the day.. Do the fuck something D. I got here. and Now I am moving on to do better things... MUCH BETTER.... 2016 was damn good year, like every year before that..
Self growth, adventures, laughter, new interesting people, travels, everything.........
AND NOW... again... as this year is coming to an end.. I have pretty damn amazing and smart, and handsome and sophisticated and SMART( I did say that again) person in my life. He brings calmness and balance to my being... Balance I have been searching forever and I did not even know it existed.... I am so grateful He did not give up on me and kept coming back to me to claim what is his.... I'm always nervous when Im around him....... And I love it...
AND.... All of you , who are still not tired of me, and stuck by me all these years... I LOOOOOVE YOU... rrrrr.... That is all I want to do rest of my life.. Just Love... Just love, and laugh, and be silly, and sexy and smart and everything i could be that is in my power....
YOU too.. Be it....live it...
...
Friday, December 30, 2016
Thursday, December 29, 2016
30 days...
in 2 days. I will opt to 100% sober living for a month... on my own... Not a glass of wine, not a shot of tequila.. Not even a vodka drink with soda water ....
For a month.... I need it. and I can do it...
For a month.... I need it. and I can do it...
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
About me...
I had no plans to write tonight. I had no plans to open myself even a little today. I have felt overwhelming sadness today ....... I cried my out, I spoke to myself. And I pulled myself together........
But I spoke to someone special today, and before I was about to head to bed. Actually few times through out my today. This person I spoke to- Brings calmness to my life. It feels like noting but me, him and things that matter to me and him exist... It is so simple . And I love simple. But my life is nothing but simple. It has been complicated chain of events since from the moment I was born..
How would Girl-excuse me---- WOMAN NOW- who was born in Estonia, end up in USA at age 38 single.... That is what I get asked every day I go out to order a coffee, or tee, or eat....
And I love that people are curious, I LOVE QUESTIONS. I LOVE telling them short version of my life story... Which is as follows:"I was born in Estonia, when I was 19 I met someone, fell in love, got engaged 2 months later, moved to NJ, Had one kid, then moved to California , had second baby, and after I lost my daughter - Daddy's girl , our sunshine, our everything o multiple brain tumors after we all fought hard for 6 years- life took me and my son to China... But we all know, what is BROKEN IN USA, you can't fix it in China... So now I am back in California, my home and I am ready to stay :)......"
Yes this is the short version....If you want to hear long one , call me or message me, make coffee or wine time with me, and be ready for tons of tears... But never , ever even try to judge me. My heart is made of steel... It could crack, but it has ability to fix itself the ways, I thought it is not possible, and still see good in everybody...
Right now at this moment, I am in my apartment. Staring at the ceiling while I am typing. AND this light fixture trio is installed crooked. And you know what It does not bother me. it still gives light the same way as it would have been installed completely straight. And that is how proud I am of myself.... I do not let meaningless small things bother me anymore.. They used to... TRUST me, they bugged the fucking shitstorm out of me. I was annoying as fuck. But it was because I was unhappy. I was lonely, and most of all..... I did not understand myself and love myself the way I was supposed to. At least now at age 38 I am finally getting there... Journey is still not over... but I'm on my way...
OH.. btw.. haha.. One things I want people to understand... My SEXY accent is not reflection of me. It is not my personality. You should not trust me more because of my accent. .... I am person first, and luckily, I got a chance to travel the world and learn languages... And because I roll my RRRRSSS.., and say my v and w's weird..... does not mean, I am easy target.....
Get to know me and see beyond my accent... BUT I DO KNOW, couple of you who read this blog, read it with MY ACCENT... YOu know who you are, you told me so :D
I want to wish you all lots of LOVE . Live a little.. Take that one chance you always wanted to... and don't regret anything .......... Just love... and love returns...
From my little home to yours- Hug your loved ones today, tell them you see them and you care for them, and you love them...... ..... Tomorrow is not granted...... Now is the moment....
But I spoke to someone special today, and before I was about to head to bed. Actually few times through out my today. This person I spoke to- Brings calmness to my life. It feels like noting but me, him and things that matter to me and him exist... It is so simple . And I love simple. But my life is nothing but simple. It has been complicated chain of events since from the moment I was born..
How would Girl-excuse me---- WOMAN NOW- who was born in Estonia, end up in USA at age 38 single.... That is what I get asked every day I go out to order a coffee, or tee, or eat....
And I love that people are curious, I LOVE QUESTIONS. I LOVE telling them short version of my life story... Which is as follows:"I was born in Estonia, when I was 19 I met someone, fell in love, got engaged 2 months later, moved to NJ, Had one kid, then moved to California , had second baby, and after I lost my daughter - Daddy's girl , our sunshine, our everything o multiple brain tumors after we all fought hard for 6 years- life took me and my son to China... But we all know, what is BROKEN IN USA, you can't fix it in China... So now I am back in California, my home and I am ready to stay :)......"
Yes this is the short version....If you want to hear long one , call me or message me, make coffee or wine time with me, and be ready for tons of tears... But never , ever even try to judge me. My heart is made of steel... It could crack, but it has ability to fix itself the ways, I thought it is not possible, and still see good in everybody...
Right now at this moment, I am in my apartment. Staring at the ceiling while I am typing. AND this light fixture trio is installed crooked. And you know what It does not bother me. it still gives light the same way as it would have been installed completely straight. And that is how proud I am of myself.... I do not let meaningless small things bother me anymore.. They used to... TRUST me, they bugged the fucking shitstorm out of me. I was annoying as fuck. But it was because I was unhappy. I was lonely, and most of all..... I did not understand myself and love myself the way I was supposed to. At least now at age 38 I am finally getting there... Journey is still not over... but I'm on my way...
OH.. btw.. haha.. One things I want people to understand... My SEXY accent is not reflection of me. It is not my personality. You should not trust me more because of my accent. .... I am person first, and luckily, I got a chance to travel the world and learn languages... And because I roll my RRRRSSS.., and say my v and w's weird..... does not mean, I am easy target.....
Get to know me and see beyond my accent... BUT I DO KNOW, couple of you who read this blog, read it with MY ACCENT... YOu know who you are, you told me so :D
I want to wish you all lots of LOVE . Live a little.. Take that one chance you always wanted to... and don't regret anything .......... Just love... and love returns...
From my little home to yours- Hug your loved ones today, tell them you see them and you care for them, and you love them...... ..... Tomorrow is not granted...... Now is the moment....
Monday, December 26, 2016
Pair of boots...
I know, I am going to sound silly now... But what came to my mind yesterday kind of made sense...
I am one of those people who would wear piece of clothing till it was so worn out that even less privileged would refuse to accept it from me.. AND same is with shoes and boots.. I'd wear them till there is nothing left to wear....
And 2 days ago I bought pair of boots that just called my name... I refused them couple of times, before I tried them on. I did not even know their price, but they looked expensive.... Shiny, clean, simple, different.. Just the way I like my things. "ME"
And I finally tried them on, and I did not want to take them off. They felt sooo good on my feet . It was amazing. Even to that point I still did not know the price. And first thing I usually do when something fits right is I check price..... But I did not...
I was standing in line and I could not contain my excitement , so I grabbed one boot, looked under it.. And i laughed out loud.... I am not kidding. Price was only 49 dollars.... I expected to be at least 150 dollars.
These boots are the boots I would love to fall asleep in. wake up in, wear them till there is nothing left to wear. And if there is nothing left to wear, I would find a way to repair them.... I would never want them to leave me...
And in a way that is how my life has been as well... I try to fix whatever does not work....-- It takes time, it hurts, I don't take advice very easily- I like to have my own experiences..... But this pair of boots... just made me realize something important for me.... Take chances.... And please believe in your chances Diana.... Just Live and love and trust the process. DOn't try to rush it....
Yes, I know it is silly. But there is someone out there who would give anything for pair of boots... And one day, I would love to be the one on the streets to hand out boots to people who need them... NOT HIGH heals...lol.. But something that would keep their feet warm... SOmething that would give them strength to think outside of "skid row"....
I am one of those people who would wear piece of clothing till it was so worn out that even less privileged would refuse to accept it from me.. AND same is with shoes and boots.. I'd wear them till there is nothing left to wear....
And 2 days ago I bought pair of boots that just called my name... I refused them couple of times, before I tried them on. I did not even know their price, but they looked expensive.... Shiny, clean, simple, different.. Just the way I like my things. "ME"
And I finally tried them on, and I did not want to take them off. They felt sooo good on my feet . It was amazing. Even to that point I still did not know the price. And first thing I usually do when something fits right is I check price..... But I did not...
I was standing in line and I could not contain my excitement , so I grabbed one boot, looked under it.. And i laughed out loud.... I am not kidding. Price was only 49 dollars.... I expected to be at least 150 dollars.
These boots are the boots I would love to fall asleep in. wake up in, wear them till there is nothing left to wear. And if there is nothing left to wear, I would find a way to repair them.... I would never want them to leave me...
And in a way that is how my life has been as well... I try to fix whatever does not work....-- It takes time, it hurts, I don't take advice very easily- I like to have my own experiences..... But this pair of boots... just made me realize something important for me.... Take chances.... And please believe in your chances Diana.... Just Live and love and trust the process. DOn't try to rush it....
Yes, I know it is silly. But there is someone out there who would give anything for pair of boots... And one day, I would love to be the one on the streets to hand out boots to people who need them... NOT HIGH heals...lol.. But something that would keep their feet warm... SOmething that would give them strength to think outside of "skid row"....
Sunday, December 25, 2016
Live a little....
But who am I to tell you how to live?
Who am I to inspire your core?
Who am I to look up to me?
Please tell me.....
What do you need from me? WHat do you think I am lacking in life?
What do you think I should do?
Who Do you think I am to you?
Email me please..
dianatan78@gmail.com let me know who you are....
Who am I to inspire your core?
Who am I to look up to me?
Please tell me.....
What do you need from me? WHat do you think I am lacking in life?
What do you think I should do?
Who Do you think I am to you?
Email me please..
dianatan78@gmail.com let me know who you are....
Thursday, December 22, 2016
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to my Friends all around the world... Haid pyhi teile koigile, kus iganes te ka poleks, ja kui te loete seda postitust hetkel, siis teadke, te olete olnud mul motetes .
I would write this blog even if I had no readers. It is just something for me, and I am so glad, so many of you turn to me - out of curiosity , or you just care for me.. .or you just randomly found a way to this blog that is all me.. No restrictions. No lies. ...Just me and my silly little honest world.
Not many of you know but, past couple of years I have been working of becoming better Christian. It has not been an easy road. Coming from Estonia where Paganism rules, and people believe in many Gods. I did too. Myself I do believe I am Goddess. I Have always believed so. From the moment I remember myself, I remember I was different in so many ways, and I was always misunderstood. And I Responded to it with tears. I cried my eyes out ... Till I found myself...
Fast forward to now. Do you know how powerful is to live the life that is yours? You don't have to answer to nobody. You open your apartment doors, and you walk into your world. Your peace. Your kindness. YOur power, your love, your everything.. But it is all temporary.
One day. I want someone to walk to my door and say.... ," This is where I belong.".
One day Everything will be the way God has panned life out for me. Till then I am just pinning it all together. With a smile on my face. And a pep in my step. And with Magic I so crave to give someone fully one day..
I Do have certain someone in mind. But it is all up to him.. Hopefully , there will be no evil "stepsisters" who going to just step in and push me aside... If That happens. I will rise from ashes, and beautiful thunderstorm will take place ... . And I just stand in the rain once again.....
Holidays... They make one emotional. They make one beautiful. They make one aware and strong... Why not be like that all year long... Be your best self ALL YEAR LONG... Be amazing not only for a month.. bot for a lifetime....
xxo
Love to you all. Don't forget to subscribe to my updates....
I would write this blog even if I had no readers. It is just something for me, and I am so glad, so many of you turn to me - out of curiosity , or you just care for me.. .or you just randomly found a way to this blog that is all me.. No restrictions. No lies. ...Just me and my silly little honest world.
Not many of you know but, past couple of years I have been working of becoming better Christian. It has not been an easy road. Coming from Estonia where Paganism rules, and people believe in many Gods. I did too. Myself I do believe I am Goddess. I Have always believed so. From the moment I remember myself, I remember I was different in so many ways, and I was always misunderstood. And I Responded to it with tears. I cried my eyes out ... Till I found myself...
Fast forward to now. Do you know how powerful is to live the life that is yours? You don't have to answer to nobody. You open your apartment doors, and you walk into your world. Your peace. Your kindness. YOur power, your love, your everything.. But it is all temporary.
One day. I want someone to walk to my door and say.... ," This is where I belong.".
One day Everything will be the way God has panned life out for me. Till then I am just pinning it all together. With a smile on my face. And a pep in my step. And with Magic I so crave to give someone fully one day..
I Do have certain someone in mind. But it is all up to him.. Hopefully , there will be no evil "stepsisters" who going to just step in and push me aside... If That happens. I will rise from ashes, and beautiful thunderstorm will take place ... . And I just stand in the rain once again.....
Holidays... They make one emotional. They make one beautiful. They make one aware and strong... Why not be like that all year long... Be your best self ALL YEAR LONG... Be amazing not only for a month.. bot for a lifetime....
xxo
Love to you all. Don't forget to subscribe to my updates....
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
I am trying to deal best with my current situation. But at times I feel like failing.
I have THE best son ever who lives with his father in Asia. And it was not easiest decision for me to take a step away from there and move back where I moved. But It was right decision.
I miss my son day to day bases. And it is ok. He is doing great. And He will be great.
I pray for him daily.
Timothy 1:7
Father, I ask you to help my children realize that You have not given them a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. In Jesus’ Name.
AMEN
I have THE best son ever who lives with his father in Asia. And it was not easiest decision for me to take a step away from there and move back where I moved. But It was right decision.
I miss my son day to day bases. And it is ok. He is doing great. And He will be great.
I pray for him daily.
Timothy 1:7
Father, I ask you to help my children realize that You have not given them a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. In Jesus’ Name.
AMEN
Sunday, December 18, 2016
Never give up.
I don't want to fall in love... Not yet.. Not today..
I don't want to loose my mind, not yet.. not today..
I don't want to feel vulnerable -- Not today....
But I am getting there. I am ready to let love in again. I am ready to look someone into their eyes again and love what those other eyes tell me, see what those eyes feed me, love what those eyes stand for... ... And I am getting close to letting love in...
It feels freeing . It feels powerful, it feels exactly how I want it to feel. It feels scary, but there was this saying I read long time ago from somewhere , " If it does not scare you, it does not challenge you.".... Let me tell you something... I am scared, I feel challenged, I feel powerless, I feel intrigued, and I feel at peace and this is exactly where I want to be... I want to be here and present and at peace with me....
Yes, of course I have my questions, but every question ever asked will get an answer, sooner or later. There is not rush anymore in my life. I don't want anymore - "RIGHT NOW".. It makes no longer sense. AT THIS point in my life ........-----I want forever.... and for "FOREVER", I am ready to fight for . I am ready to take a step back and live and learn and observe. Forever promises to be beautiful. Just just like I am, just like he is... just like out lives are... beautiful....
to feel and to be felt, to love and to be loved, to see and to be seen.... cherish these moments,, remember them, and never forget them........ xoxo
I don't want to loose my mind, not yet.. not today..
I don't want to feel vulnerable -- Not today....
But I am getting there. I am ready to let love in again. I am ready to look someone into their eyes again and love what those other eyes tell me, see what those eyes feed me, love what those eyes stand for... ... And I am getting close to letting love in...
It feels freeing . It feels powerful, it feels exactly how I want it to feel. It feels scary, but there was this saying I read long time ago from somewhere , " If it does not scare you, it does not challenge you.".... Let me tell you something... I am scared, I feel challenged, I feel powerless, I feel intrigued, and I feel at peace and this is exactly where I want to be... I want to be here and present and at peace with me....
Yes, of course I have my questions, but every question ever asked will get an answer, sooner or later. There is not rush anymore in my life. I don't want anymore - "RIGHT NOW".. It makes no longer sense. AT THIS point in my life ........-----I want forever.... and for "FOREVER", I am ready to fight for . I am ready to take a step back and live and learn and observe. Forever promises to be beautiful. Just just like I am, just like he is... just like out lives are... beautiful....
to feel and to be felt, to love and to be loved, to see and to be seen.... cherish these moments,, remember them, and never forget them........ xoxo
Friday, December 16, 2016
HOLIDAYS
HOLIDAYS ARE ROUGH...ROUGH TO MY CORE... Rough to the point - I can not breathe. Rough- till I can't see straight. Rough from tip of my head to my toes... This is all rough..
But it is not what I am concentrating on. We all are born to deal with difficulties in life. We all are given different paths. And we all think our paths are rough... So, I am empathetic to all of my friends journeys in life.... But my story is not about my friends , it is about me.
And now, I am bleeding inside out. I WeChat'ed my son G. today. From the first moment I heard his voice, I knew he has changed.. He hates talking on phone, so I never call him. But Last night I had dream about him, and I had to call him. And he answered. :) And when I heard his voice I realized, he is not a boy anymore. The way he spoke to me, the way his voice sounded.. And everything else.. 4 months ago he was different person that he is now.... And I am so happy , that he is growing up. He has no fucking idea what is waiting for him in few years, but he will figure it out soon...
I am sure, If I was still in china, I would not see these changes as drastic as they seem because I was in his life, day in and say out, but being away, but still active, it is different...
It is not easy.. But I am actively dealing with it.. I am just happy he is amazing human being at this point.... :)
xoxoxo
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
Be you....
Beautiful things start to happen when you allow them to happen. I know this, because I have been stuck few times.. Stuck in friendships, stuck in relationships, stuck about who I am, and stuck about what the fuck am I supposed to do....... NOW, fast forward.. now Myself - I think I am Goddess. I definitely am. I have thought so for a very long time. But mellow me, always kind suppressed those thoughts and feelings, because myself I dislike overly confident females...-- Actually i don't like them... SO I have figured out how to stay likeable and same time confident, and funny and stay true to myself.. It has been a very long journey, but it is not over yet...
every day when I wake up, I ask myself, What can I do to make this day count... SOme days I just chill, other days I ran out and babysit as much as I can. and those off days-- I just write down what I want for myself soon.... And what I want for myself is beyond beautiful.. it is so beautiful when I think about it it brings warmth to my heart and tears into my eyes... it is beauty i can definitely achieve in my life sooner or later... it is reachable, and touchable...:)
every day when I wake up, I ask myself, What can I do to make this day count... SOme days I just chill, other days I ran out and babysit as much as I can. and those off days-- I just write down what I want for myself soon.... And what I want for myself is beyond beautiful.. it is so beautiful when I think about it it brings warmth to my heart and tears into my eyes... it is beauty i can definitely achieve in my life sooner or later... it is reachable, and touchable...:)
Sunday, December 11, 2016
thoughts..
I read something interesting today... second time it actually registered to me....
I try to translate it from Estonian language as accurately as possible... its from book called- jalutuskaigud sisekosmoses by Kaido Pajumaa
" Where does our inner peace actually resides?
It right here, right now. At this moment, it resides here by the sea. It is in our head. Deep in our souls, deep inside us. We only find peace from one source- We find peace from bravery to give up... it is not easy... It feels like whole world is collapsing. .. Yes, it is the worst feeling in universe, but luckily nothing collapses.. World does not collapse. World will be here for us even if we just take a step back and relax. And world will be here and present for us , when we all arrive and get jiggy with it again..... "
Peace.....
I try to translate it from Estonian language as accurately as possible... its from book called- jalutuskaigud sisekosmoses by Kaido Pajumaa
" Where does our inner peace actually resides?
It right here, right now. At this moment, it resides here by the sea. It is in our head. Deep in our souls, deep inside us. We only find peace from one source- We find peace from bravery to give up... it is not easy... It feels like whole world is collapsing. .. Yes, it is the worst feeling in universe, but luckily nothing collapses.. World does not collapse. World will be here for us even if we just take a step back and relax. And world will be here and present for us , when we all arrive and get jiggy with it again..... "
Peace.....
Saturday, December 10, 2016
Silence - create your own serene habitat......
In my life I have been happy, angry, desperate, angry once more, frustrated, more angry... Till I realized I have to break that cycle. Once in a while frustrations kick in, anger resurfaces, and I ask myself question WHY DID I allow myself to stoop to that level again. I am better than that... I'm smarter that, I am stonger than that... But once in a while, life tests you, and puts you in the same room with people to test your maturity... I am pretty impressed now, that I am actually just walking away from all Bs that has nothing to do with me, or if someone wants to pull me into theirs BS.... Feels damn good...
So now... I have been fucking sick past 2 weeks... And I realized -- I got my duck in one row finally... Beside stable job duck... That Duck is still ducking around.. But its ok... Babysitting is not the worst job ever, and I love kids, so job here and there is great :D
My ducks are in one straight row. I know what I want, I know how to get it, and I know it will take time... I am Madam know it all. There you go. I KNOW... But knowing is not nuff.. Steps need to be taken again, and I don't want to waste anymore time . Times and times again I spend time banging my head on wall... ( I swear every room in my apt has my forehead print somewhere).... because I know how to get shit done... I'm just scared to end up disappointed at myself... But now I a getting to that point ... I don't even care... Let's get this ''du09u3409ut03ty0oidhkhj; done...
So now... I have been fucking sick past 2 weeks... And I realized -- I got my duck in one row finally... Beside stable job duck... That Duck is still ducking around.. But its ok... Babysitting is not the worst job ever, and I love kids, so job here and there is great :D
My ducks are in one straight row. I know what I want, I know how to get it, and I know it will take time... I am Madam know it all. There you go. I KNOW... But knowing is not nuff.. Steps need to be taken again, and I don't want to waste anymore time . Times and times again I spend time banging my head on wall... ( I swear every room in my apt has my forehead print somewhere).... because I know how to get shit done... I'm just scared to end up disappointed at myself... But now I a getting to that point ... I don't even care... Let's get this ''du09u3409ut03ty0oidhkhj; done...
Thursday, December 8, 2016
Collecting my thoughts.....
I have had interesting year.
Last year, I had made plans, that I will move to California before year 2016 is over. I had plans to move here in October, right before Halloween.. I did not know how I would do it if it is even going to happen in october, but I knew I have to get my behind out of China and back to where I belong. I slowly started ending relationships that did not serve me any good, that in a way were just situationship friendships - friendships of convenience. After all- it is very hard to create long term relationships there, since people are pretty much in and out of Hangzhou.... and me being single almost 40 year old in there, just got tiring and boring.
In December I came to California because I did not want to be in CHina during christmas.. I just wanted to be away... I signed up for Tinder.. oh YES I DID... and after couple of pretty unsuccessful dates, I met someone who changed me for better and stronger. I forever cherish that relationship, at one point I thought He could be the guy I am going to spend rest of my life with.. But life happens, and when you have your eyes wide open and intuition kicks in and you have great friends who help you see , reality kicks in , and what was golden in beginning was loosing its shine... Sadly , I had to be the Bitch and call it quits, and after while we started chatting again, but it got uglier, and I knew it was time to get my peace back. .. In a way, he was the reason, I tried to get back to california quicker to see if there was something to save... But there was not... :)
Anyway, I got here, I spent amazing month at my friends apartment- Then got my place, quit smoking, but before that hit Tinder again. And went few interesting eye rolling dates. But I was not over my relationship while I was on those dates, so I slowly backed away from them because it would have been very wrong for me to start something , when I was still thinking about past.
Sometimes in October I got my closure. And I knew I definitely am ready for someone who wants me with all the bits and pieces.. With all the twists, and folds and sarcasm, and even occasional eyerolling. I know my worth, and one time when I was about to go all in as me, my patience was tested big time, and I just allowed that person to leave as quickly as he wanted. I have divorce papers to show, I don't have kids with tens of guys , and God is my witness- I do not sleep around or allow every penis to fall into me... When you question about how faithful I am- it is not problem in me- It is problem in you.
So ... after that I just stopped everything. And got pretty sick.. am still seriously ill but I am recovering. While I was home sick I started getting messages from someone i communicated verbally for couple of months in sept oct, but timing was not right and I backed away from it. He Reached out to me again... It is time before holidays... And Lot of relationships that are formed now, will be over by Valentines day. And I don't want to think about it. I am ready for that Final lasting connection that will change my reality and change everything I ever believed into. I am ready for that person who takes couple of looks at me and tells me-- I see you... I am ready to fall in love all innnnnnnnn again , and never fall out of love again. I am ready to have adventures I never had make memories with that Someone special even he can't believe we did whaat?
But I am not in a hurry. Time I spend with myself is beautiful.... ahhh ... I decorated my cute 5 ft christmas tree, right next to tv. I have candles everywhere I lit every night, I have little star lights everywhere that turn on outo after being off 16 hours. I am slowly filling my space with pieces of funky furniutre, that is ME.... I watch TV shows tht make me cry like- THIS IS US... ( best show ever)... But I am ready to use word WE... WE did this... We went there... We love this ... We cooked together..... WE..........
One thing I have not touched yet on this blog entry is my Son..... Oh.. I miss US... :) I miss that I don't live just 10 km from him. I miss seeing him whenever I wish .. I miss having our arguments and I miss our adventures in China.. I miss my son so much, that at one point I was thinking about buying ticket pack to china and fucking it all... But I did not. He is in amazing hands, and he is great student and i am sure he hates me .... And that's ok..... I understand.... It is my first Christmas being away from him and it sucks big time. It hurts, that I can't make us real Christmas meal... Homecooked real Christmas dinner and exchange gifts... But sooner or later it happens to all parents, that kids will be away and not home for christmas.... :) I miss you Gabriel :):):):):)
In the end of the day... In 2016 i had my best and my worst moments.... But this year is not over yet. Best is yet to come.... xoxo
please follow my blog for future updates....
Last year, I had made plans, that I will move to California before year 2016 is over. I had plans to move here in October, right before Halloween.. I did not know how I would do it if it is even going to happen in october, but I knew I have to get my behind out of China and back to where I belong. I slowly started ending relationships that did not serve me any good, that in a way were just situationship friendships - friendships of convenience. After all- it is very hard to create long term relationships there, since people are pretty much in and out of Hangzhou.... and me being single almost 40 year old in there, just got tiring and boring.
In December I came to California because I did not want to be in CHina during christmas.. I just wanted to be away... I signed up for Tinder.. oh YES I DID... and after couple of pretty unsuccessful dates, I met someone who changed me for better and stronger. I forever cherish that relationship, at one point I thought He could be the guy I am going to spend rest of my life with.. But life happens, and when you have your eyes wide open and intuition kicks in and you have great friends who help you see , reality kicks in , and what was golden in beginning was loosing its shine... Sadly , I had to be the Bitch and call it quits, and after while we started chatting again, but it got uglier, and I knew it was time to get my peace back. .. In a way, he was the reason, I tried to get back to california quicker to see if there was something to save... But there was not... :)
Anyway, I got here, I spent amazing month at my friends apartment- Then got my place, quit smoking, but before that hit Tinder again. And went few interesting eye rolling dates. But I was not over my relationship while I was on those dates, so I slowly backed away from them because it would have been very wrong for me to start something , when I was still thinking about past.
Sometimes in October I got my closure. And I knew I definitely am ready for someone who wants me with all the bits and pieces.. With all the twists, and folds and sarcasm, and even occasional eyerolling. I know my worth, and one time when I was about to go all in as me, my patience was tested big time, and I just allowed that person to leave as quickly as he wanted. I have divorce papers to show, I don't have kids with tens of guys , and God is my witness- I do not sleep around or allow every penis to fall into me... When you question about how faithful I am- it is not problem in me- It is problem in you.
So ... after that I just stopped everything. And got pretty sick.. am still seriously ill but I am recovering. While I was home sick I started getting messages from someone i communicated verbally for couple of months in sept oct, but timing was not right and I backed away from it. He Reached out to me again... It is time before holidays... And Lot of relationships that are formed now, will be over by Valentines day. And I don't want to think about it. I am ready for that Final lasting connection that will change my reality and change everything I ever believed into. I am ready for that person who takes couple of looks at me and tells me-- I see you... I am ready to fall in love all innnnnnnnn again , and never fall out of love again. I am ready to have adventures I never had make memories with that Someone special even he can't believe we did whaat?
But I am not in a hurry. Time I spend with myself is beautiful.... ahhh ... I decorated my cute 5 ft christmas tree, right next to tv. I have candles everywhere I lit every night, I have little star lights everywhere that turn on outo after being off 16 hours. I am slowly filling my space with pieces of funky furniutre, that is ME.... I watch TV shows tht make me cry like- THIS IS US... ( best show ever)... But I am ready to use word WE... WE did this... We went there... We love this ... We cooked together..... WE..........
One thing I have not touched yet on this blog entry is my Son..... Oh.. I miss US... :) I miss that I don't live just 10 km from him. I miss seeing him whenever I wish .. I miss having our arguments and I miss our adventures in China.. I miss my son so much, that at one point I was thinking about buying ticket pack to china and fucking it all... But I did not. He is in amazing hands, and he is great student and i am sure he hates me .... And that's ok..... I understand.... It is my first Christmas being away from him and it sucks big time. It hurts, that I can't make us real Christmas meal... Homecooked real Christmas dinner and exchange gifts... But sooner or later it happens to all parents, that kids will be away and not home for christmas.... :) I miss you Gabriel :):):):):)
In the end of the day... In 2016 i had my best and my worst moments.... But this year is not over yet. Best is yet to come.... xoxo
please follow my blog for future updates....
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
OMG...
Seriously you all... I got serious case of 'Manflu"... It's not funny. Usually I am pretty good handling colds, and illnesses,and whatever else life throws to my way, but this time I seriously at one point thought - " I AM GOING TO DIE!" End of story... What is happening to me.. Why I am becoming more mellow when years pass by? I never needed anyones help to get me on my feet- I was more like -- I GOT THIS... BITCH... step on side... haha....
But yes, now, it is my first time being seriously sick. Gabriel- my son was usually near me when I was sick, and he ran to my rescue on weekends past year or so. :) And Because I spend tons of time at home now, eating, thinking , watching all sorts of movies and eating more- I have tons of time to think about everything. And from here I want to briefly mention about my latest short term fling...
SO for a very long time I did not let anyone between my sheets... I just was not ready. I wrote before that I went out on dates, but all the dates left me little disappointed . Until I actually had very simple date at Venice beach. I love venice beach myself because of there is always so much happening.. You never know what you gonna get when you get there. .
SO anyway-- We had great date, kept communicating for a while, then I got cold feet, and took a step back, but in a way I still felt that he was around.. and once in a while we chatted..... After second time we met We had few arguments over chats, because I decided- I am going to be bluntly honest and when one are honest, it will get you in all sorts of trouble.
AND , we agreed, that we are going to be friends... BUT, for some weird reason, he liked that I was mean? Even thought I kept telling him- dude, we will never work.. Because I saw what kind of attention and affection he needed in relationship. And I am not that kind of GIVER.. like NO WAYZA... TO much for me to handle... But we ended having a great time, and conversation great and we actually got a long amazing, when it was on his terms... WHEN i tried to voice my opinion and views, it went little sideways... AND at that point I just gave up and had no intentions to listen what he had to say... I am sorry.
I am grown woman. Because you have issues from your past relationships, does not mean, you have to put me on the same pot with all the other females who ever hurt you. And for me to see, how easily it was for him to withdraw from our little adventure- made me realize once again- oh for god sakes... DO NOT even try to wake any feelings in female, if you actually have no intentions yourself invest your feelings into it.
I do not take anything personally these days, I just sit back and tell to myself... YOU KNEW IT FROM DAY ONE-- this is how it is going to end... Because words in the end of the day mean nothing....
In a way I am just little sad... I did like the guy... Not many people these days can make laugh, and he had great sarcastic dry sense of humor....
Oh well.... Such is life... But one thing I told myself.. After I get over this cold- or whatever I have... I will be OUT... Out and about...
I can't wait to put on some make up, get my hair done, get out of Pj's and have some fun... It is long overdue...........
But yes, now, it is my first time being seriously sick. Gabriel- my son was usually near me when I was sick, and he ran to my rescue on weekends past year or so. :) And Because I spend tons of time at home now, eating, thinking , watching all sorts of movies and eating more- I have tons of time to think about everything. And from here I want to briefly mention about my latest short term fling...
SO for a very long time I did not let anyone between my sheets... I just was not ready. I wrote before that I went out on dates, but all the dates left me little disappointed . Until I actually had very simple date at Venice beach. I love venice beach myself because of there is always so much happening.. You never know what you gonna get when you get there. .
SO anyway-- We had great date, kept communicating for a while, then I got cold feet, and took a step back, but in a way I still felt that he was around.. and once in a while we chatted..... After second time we met We had few arguments over chats, because I decided- I am going to be bluntly honest and when one are honest, it will get you in all sorts of trouble.
AND , we agreed, that we are going to be friends... BUT, for some weird reason, he liked that I was mean? Even thought I kept telling him- dude, we will never work.. Because I saw what kind of attention and affection he needed in relationship. And I am not that kind of GIVER.. like NO WAYZA... TO much for me to handle... But we ended having a great time, and conversation great and we actually got a long amazing, when it was on his terms... WHEN i tried to voice my opinion and views, it went little sideways... AND at that point I just gave up and had no intentions to listen what he had to say... I am sorry.
I am grown woman. Because you have issues from your past relationships, does not mean, you have to put me on the same pot with all the other females who ever hurt you. And for me to see, how easily it was for him to withdraw from our little adventure- made me realize once again- oh for god sakes... DO NOT even try to wake any feelings in female, if you actually have no intentions yourself invest your feelings into it.
I do not take anything personally these days, I just sit back and tell to myself... YOU KNEW IT FROM DAY ONE-- this is how it is going to end... Because words in the end of the day mean nothing....
In a way I am just little sad... I did like the guy... Not many people these days can make laugh, and he had great sarcastic dry sense of humor....
Oh well.... Such is life... But one thing I told myself.. After I get over this cold- or whatever I have... I will be OUT... Out and about...
I can't wait to put on some make up, get my hair done, get out of Pj's and have some fun... It is long overdue...........
Thursday, December 1, 2016
Hurt and hurting.... ( My take in pain very narrow spectrum)
Pain is strange. It can be mental/psychological, physical, or just Pain even though there is no reason for it( again... self created)... Which means, we create pain for ourselves due to multiple different reasons... Some can't deal with relationship, some are needy in relationship, some are just needy.... But worst kind of pain comes from past losses.. even though one has dealt with past issues, time to time they will resurface and one ( like myself) has to deal with it again... And sometimes it is absolutely fine to be in pain. It reminds us over and over and over again, that we are alive . But one thing one has to learn , is how to deal with it, and not to let it get a way of living your life..
I am going to touch subject about guys again.. I wish I could call it topic about MEN, but apparently I keep meeting "wrong" men... Or broken men- as I would like to call them. I used to blame it on EGO, but I gave up....
I Really , Really, really do know what I want in "OUR" relationship ( whoever you are out there meant for me).
*Honesty- DOn't wait me to ask questions... volunteer tell me your story-- please.. it's an order
*trust- trust me when I tell you something... I will never prove my point..... It's not worth it...
*Respect- respect my point of view , and don't question it....
*Compassion- Be kind, be compassionate... It will make you feel good....
*Empathy- it's not all about you.. we all have different experiences in life... Be aware...
*Humor- Laughter makes a world go around.... Humor makes everything better
*Sarcasm.--- That's my second language
*Open Mindedness- I am world citizen.... I have been to places, I have seen things, I have experienced things, and so on.... "I" in this sounds like EGO speaking... but I here is also is ME... I will never be the person I was few days ago, because I am constantly evolving till I am aware of me :)
SO.. THERE YOU GO... NEVER be in pain again. Live the life the way it works for you... And if someone tells you, you are unhappy or wrong.. It means you are in different level from them... OR their ego is stuck somewhere... But don't get mean....
Life the life that is assigned for you...
Recognize the pain you once were in, and never allow it to come to your life again....
move on...
Lots of love ..
DST
I am going to touch subject about guys again.. I wish I could call it topic about MEN, but apparently I keep meeting "wrong" men... Or broken men- as I would like to call them. I used to blame it on EGO, but I gave up....
I Really , Really, really do know what I want in "OUR" relationship ( whoever you are out there meant for me).
*Honesty- DOn't wait me to ask questions... volunteer tell me your story-- please.. it's an order
*trust- trust me when I tell you something... I will never prove my point..... It's not worth it...
*Respect- respect my point of view , and don't question it....
*Compassion- Be kind, be compassionate... It will make you feel good....
*Empathy- it's not all about you.. we all have different experiences in life... Be aware...
*Humor- Laughter makes a world go around.... Humor makes everything better
*Sarcasm.--- That's my second language
*Open Mindedness- I am world citizen.... I have been to places, I have seen things, I have experienced things, and so on.... "I" in this sounds like EGO speaking... but I here is also is ME... I will never be the person I was few days ago, because I am constantly evolving till I am aware of me :)
SO.. THERE YOU GO... NEVER be in pain again. Live the life the way it works for you... And if someone tells you, you are unhappy or wrong.. It means you are in different level from them... OR their ego is stuck somewhere... But don't get mean....
Life the life that is assigned for you...
Recognize the pain you once were in, and never allow it to come to your life again....
move on...
Lots of love ..
DST
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
My reality.
I want to start this blog entry off with positive note. I don't know what I would do without my friends. I don't have many, but those who I have are incredible. I would be hot mess without them... I am hot anyway, but I do not wish to be mess anymore in my life... Been there done that. Now I am just choosing to be hot, and sexy, and beautiful and confident and bold. Take that :D... ANd that is partly because I do have amazing group of female and male friends, who have been to hell and back and have vise words to share, sometimes I listen, sometimes I don't . I mainly listen, when I already have experienced something like maybe I am about to experience again, but if I am feeling like, this new experience, everyone warning me about to stay away, and just don't do it....-- I will definitely do it... I don't learn from other peoples mistakes and lessons most of the time.... I learn and grow from the ones I make myself. Yes,at plenty of occasions I have run back to my friend and said .. DAMN, you were so right.... and they come back to me- I told you soooo, but you did not listen..... BUT THATS THE BEAUTY OF IT... Not listen , have my own experiences, wake myself up the way I a m supposed to be awake at this very moment... Make heartbreaking mistakes and learn from them... And it is beautiful all the way.. TO see how ones mind, heart and soul tries to balance everything out. AHhh. its pain and pleasure in combined unity at work.
But from this I am moving to another topic... Dating.. I don't go to lot of dates... I wrote about it little before.. I cancel my dates before they even happen, because something in me just tells me, he is not at the best of state of mind, and words/sentences/ promises-- 2 hours after you start talking to someone is bogus. For example
- I want to make you my Queen
- Right now you are my princess, and next step for you would be amazing QUeen, I would carry you on my hands( good luck with that I weigh 170 lbs.. hmh) handle that , and I would marry you...
- WOW, your eyes, they are piercing, I got lost in them
- your accent-- so sexy, I wan't to hear it all my life, all day long, I would never get tired of it.
- mhhhhh your ass is fine girrrrllllll... please, please, just walk in front of me... mhm
- we got connection going on in here.. you said hi, and I said hi... We definitely are connected... And your name,,, DIANA.. oooh,, You are the mysterious Diana, and you will be all mine soon.... ( rolling my eyes again)
... I can go on and on and on and on and on about it... THis kind of messages I got even before meeting up with someone. Come on people... They all scream--- I need to get laid-- My wife is pregnant, my girlfriend is out of towns, I am homeless, These are not pics on my profile- im just catfishing, Lets see if she going to fall into it--- well, she is european, they love how people say I LOVE YOU and they fall in love right away and do my laundry and make my dishes, and so on...( go suck your own dick please...) --- WE ARE ALL HUMAN- and luckily only thing europian right now about me is my accent..... If you are good man.. I might cook for you or do your laundry.... BUT trust me--- I will know if you are a good man... Drop the game and say what you want at first place... gonna save lot of time your part, and my part...
But all that aside... I have laughed inside so many times people try to pull that crap on me. SERIOUSLY... who is falling for that--- you talk to person for 5 minutes and you are soulmates in his eyes and heart.... WHICH HEART I ASK?????
But from this I am moving to another topic... Dating.. I don't go to lot of dates... I wrote about it little before.. I cancel my dates before they even happen, because something in me just tells me, he is not at the best of state of mind, and words/sentences/ promises-- 2 hours after you start talking to someone is bogus. For example
- I want to make you my Queen
- Right now you are my princess, and next step for you would be amazing QUeen, I would carry you on my hands( good luck with that I weigh 170 lbs.. hmh) handle that , and I would marry you...
- WOW, your eyes, they are piercing, I got lost in them
- your accent-- so sexy, I wan't to hear it all my life, all day long, I would never get tired of it.
- mhhhhh your ass is fine girrrrllllll... please, please, just walk in front of me... mhm
- we got connection going on in here.. you said hi, and I said hi... We definitely are connected... And your name,,, DIANA.. oooh,, You are the mysterious Diana, and you will be all mine soon.... ( rolling my eyes again)
... I can go on and on and on and on and on about it... THis kind of messages I got even before meeting up with someone. Come on people... They all scream--- I need to get laid-- My wife is pregnant, my girlfriend is out of towns, I am homeless, These are not pics on my profile- im just catfishing, Lets see if she going to fall into it--- well, she is european, they love how people say I LOVE YOU and they fall in love right away and do my laundry and make my dishes, and so on...( go suck your own dick please...) --- WE ARE ALL HUMAN- and luckily only thing europian right now about me is my accent..... If you are good man.. I might cook for you or do your laundry.... BUT trust me--- I will know if you are a good man... Drop the game and say what you want at first place... gonna save lot of time your part, and my part...
But all that aside... I have laughed inside so many times people try to pull that crap on me. SERIOUSLY... who is falling for that--- you talk to person for 5 minutes and you are soulmates in his eyes and heart.... WHICH HEART I ASK?????
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
life is tough.
One topic I would love to talk every day, but in a way refuse , to or ease my way to different topics..... is My SON...
I got so much hate and dislike from people when I got back, about me leaving my boy to best hands possible( after me of course) my ex husband. People are so messed up, it is not even funny. One thing is my friends who have seen me through out the years struggle... ... they get it... but there is couple of groups of people who have KNOWN ME, but don't know me, and there is group who have seen my travels and amazing life...... and refuse to see that there was ever struggle to end up where I am today.
Well one thing I have to say is. I did not leave my son. And my ex husband did not rob him from me. We all have different lives, and one again- all you proud mothers who say-, " how can you give up your kid to that asshole.... "//well.. my ex is not an asshole, and my kid is in right hands... ( to be honest, he was an asshole for a sec or 2.. eehhh...... now not anymore) . Gabriels father is great and responsible father. To this date, Gabriel has 2 step siblings, one brother and one sister, and I hope and pray, they grow up to be teammates one day... It will take tame, but that is my hope. :)
One thing to this day that I have learned is-- love really does conquers all.. love yourself, love your friends, love your next door neighbors-- even if you don't know who they are, but when they cook-- it smells amazing... love those who scold you, love your morning face, love your toes when pedicure is overdue... LOVE every inch of your beautiful you.... tell yourself you are beautiful and amazing... and rest will fall into place... xoxoxo im just a woman of few words....
I got so much hate and dislike from people when I got back, about me leaving my boy to best hands possible( after me of course) my ex husband. People are so messed up, it is not even funny. One thing is my friends who have seen me through out the years struggle... ... they get it... but there is couple of groups of people who have KNOWN ME, but don't know me, and there is group who have seen my travels and amazing life...... and refuse to see that there was ever struggle to end up where I am today.
Well one thing I have to say is. I did not leave my son. And my ex husband did not rob him from me. We all have different lives, and one again- all you proud mothers who say-, " how can you give up your kid to that asshole.... "//well.. my ex is not an asshole, and my kid is in right hands... ( to be honest, he was an asshole for a sec or 2.. eehhh...... now not anymore) . Gabriels father is great and responsible father. To this date, Gabriel has 2 step siblings, one brother and one sister, and I hope and pray, they grow up to be teammates one day... It will take tame, but that is my hope. :)
One thing to this day that I have learned is-- love really does conquers all.. love yourself, love your friends, love your next door neighbors-- even if you don't know who they are, but when they cook-- it smells amazing... love those who scold you, love your morning face, love your toes when pedicure is overdue... LOVE every inch of your beautiful you.... tell yourself you are beautiful and amazing... and rest will fall into place... xoxoxo im just a woman of few words....
Sunday, November 6, 2016
on my own....
I had very quiet day today. I only spoke to 1 person on phone today, and thats how my days mostly are. I chat a lot, but I keep it to myself. I almost feel like I am starting to lack people skills, which is not true of course, but silence really is golden sometimes.
People at times are afraid of their own thoughts, but I am not anymore.. I used to be. I was terrified to think.... and it took me a while to get me out of that phase..... yes... Years ago, I did not want to think, and escaped my space and spent it with those I recognized were on the same boat with me... But that was temporary.
What I really was thinking today when I did what I wanted to do was...
I woke up sick. My body hurt, I could not breathe, I could not even have a sip of water without having tears in my eyes, was-- I thought to myself... This is just a fluke, just another test, I have to rise above it, I can't be sick, because only person who can take care of me is me.
OH, you have no idea, how much I wanted to just lay in my bed and wait it out, Hoping pain will go away, hoping someone will come to my rescue.. But in this case, that only someone is me. I pushed me out of my bed, made me hot tea, turned on some relaxing Native American music and just took tons of deep breaths in and then let some out... and i did if for about some 40 minutes maybe. Well... I felt better for sure, but it was all in my mind. I WAS IN CONTROL OF ME...
At one moment, I just told myself- get your ass up, and leave your space. GO out there, go to the place that gives you peace... ANd I did. I took a long hot shower... Water hitting my face and body felt divine. I stood at shower my face facing shower head. .. I don't know how long I stood there, but it felt like eternity. I was touching myself all over me, and all I could think was- Damn, I feel good, my curves are all in right places, and my mind is shifting into something I always wanted it to be--- In my space.. ANd I felt in control of my present situation. I felt beautiful, and alive , and blessed...... after that I just cleaned up and I went to Laguna beach... I spent 2 hours there. Just people watching.. with my purple hair and pilates pants.... And sculls tank top. I love ocean, but same time I am so scared of it and that is why I always end up in there... Just Like I am with forest... I need to be near nature, but unknown within it scares me..... but same time fuels me. Hugging trees, stepping on moss or listening to waves and letting cool water to hit my feet.... Same feeling... empowering and hoping that I am in control...
I have to stop this post , of I am going to go on and on and on and on and on.......
But one thing I have to tell you before I go is... Everything that you deserve Is waiting for you... Don't listen to anybody.. It is their experiences. Listen to You... Listen to your heart.. Make your own mistakes, because you will not grow from other people mistakes... Make plenty of mistakes...... But pay attention to them and one day you to will be a teacher...... xoxo...
...
People at times are afraid of their own thoughts, but I am not anymore.. I used to be. I was terrified to think.... and it took me a while to get me out of that phase..... yes... Years ago, I did not want to think, and escaped my space and spent it with those I recognized were on the same boat with me... But that was temporary.
What I really was thinking today when I did what I wanted to do was...
I woke up sick. My body hurt, I could not breathe, I could not even have a sip of water without having tears in my eyes, was-- I thought to myself... This is just a fluke, just another test, I have to rise above it, I can't be sick, because only person who can take care of me is me.
OH, you have no idea, how much I wanted to just lay in my bed and wait it out, Hoping pain will go away, hoping someone will come to my rescue.. But in this case, that only someone is me. I pushed me out of my bed, made me hot tea, turned on some relaxing Native American music and just took tons of deep breaths in and then let some out... and i did if for about some 40 minutes maybe. Well... I felt better for sure, but it was all in my mind. I WAS IN CONTROL OF ME...
At one moment, I just told myself- get your ass up, and leave your space. GO out there, go to the place that gives you peace... ANd I did. I took a long hot shower... Water hitting my face and body felt divine. I stood at shower my face facing shower head. .. I don't know how long I stood there, but it felt like eternity. I was touching myself all over me, and all I could think was- Damn, I feel good, my curves are all in right places, and my mind is shifting into something I always wanted it to be--- In my space.. ANd I felt in control of my present situation. I felt beautiful, and alive , and blessed...... after that I just cleaned up and I went to Laguna beach... I spent 2 hours there. Just people watching.. with my purple hair and pilates pants.... And sculls tank top. I love ocean, but same time I am so scared of it and that is why I always end up in there... Just Like I am with forest... I need to be near nature, but unknown within it scares me..... but same time fuels me. Hugging trees, stepping on moss or listening to waves and letting cool water to hit my feet.... Same feeling... empowering and hoping that I am in control...
I have to stop this post , of I am going to go on and on and on and on and on.......
But one thing I have to tell you before I go is... Everything that you deserve Is waiting for you... Don't listen to anybody.. It is their experiences. Listen to You... Listen to your heart.. Make your own mistakes, because you will not grow from other people mistakes... Make plenty of mistakes...... But pay attention to them and one day you to will be a teacher...... xoxo...
...
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Dating..
So here I go. Dating... What the fuck does one woman has to do, to have a good date? The one who is not seeking for sex, but truly is seeking for some sort of connection..... Let me tell you what she has to do.....
SHE HAS TO PUT OF WITH TONS OF SHIT!!!! And I am not joking around now.
MY good friend X knows how I feel about sex. I love it, but there is no reason for me to give it up for some stupid random one night affair. SO I am still a "virgin"... YES I AM!!! And I am proud of it... hahahah What I mean by that is, since may, I have kept to myself. What is the point going out there, meeting someone, counting 1 date, 2 date, 3 dates... and then guy knows,--- AAAAHHHH, yeah, all girls have 3 date rules... After third date they hope to get laid, and then run as fast as they can... I have seen it couple of times. I have been out on few dates, and after third date, guy usually runs... or stops trying to impress me with his stupidity and just walks away.--- WOrds like Sweetheart, babygirl, gorgeous, blue eyes, princess , my Queen, Beautiful, My only..... Disappear overnight.
I don't understand why girls fall so quickly for it... and then complain my boyfriend of 2 days left me after I gave in.... GIRLS, stay longer than that... Build a friendship. FIND OUT WHO HE REALLY IS. If you want a relationship, you can weed out 10 pm booty call guys by staying true to what you really want... Of course, if it is only sex... go there and have as much as you want... GO FOR IT... good for you!!!!!!
But now back to topic... Since June I have gone to dates with 4 "men".... First one I "swiped out", was actually pretty impressive. If was in my 20s, I would have totally melted... Now i was like, lets wait it out... he will show his true colors soon, and soon enough, he sent me message to pick him up from his new workplace to drive him home.... LET ME TELL---I ONLY saw him once at a coffee shop.... There is #lyft that he could call for.... That tell me right away- most likely has 10 roommates and only couple of square feet for himself.... Get your shit together .... Good luck...
Date 2... He had everything going for him... But what he said, just raised some attention in my conscious mind..and all I could think of was --- MARRIED..... He was to careful..... He asked me when can we meet again, and I said pretty much today..... and he never followed up.. SO I know he is having fun with someone else... good for him...
Date 3... I don't know what to say about him.. I am just going to leave it blank.... I felt like I was raped on set .... there was no physical contact... But it was one of the most uncomfortable dates I ever was on...... Removed and blocked the person after meeting him...
AND... there is date number 4.... Actually... he was 1st person I met when I moved back to cali.. HE is calm, collected, has vision, has passion, and has been respectful. Well, the thing is... I am not stupid... If I say no, and we are not inclusive, there is always someone who can say yes, after he leaves from date... RIght? I am not bothered by that.. you do whatever you do before you find what works for you.... But please, don't call me stupid for not taking you for a test drive when I am not ready.. :) Smily face, smily face... hashtag looking for my last love...... I met him and I am intriqued....
And there is one more person.... Date number 5 I have not met yet..... Conversations are great, but universe does not want us to meet. There is always something happening before I get to meet up with him... SOmetimes it is a great thing, but sometimes it is not that good.... God and my own intuition have never lied... SO maybe there is a reason.
So woman, girls, princesses, queens, ladies-- listen... Don't fall for that BS you are fed on your first couple of dates of meeting someone..... THINK hard what works for you... Of course--- nice words work for all of us... BUT in beginning it is all words... You want to see his actions. He better show his actions.. He better, make you feel like the QUEEN( not princess) with his actions... He better, give you flowers ( most men don't like giving flowers, because it is significant, it represents commitment , or it means something... SO be careful with gifts and flowers early on...Accept them, but dont question... Just pay attenion....
I really don't want to be downer Diana, but I have been hurt, I hurt people, I have seen shit been there done that... ANd I am still "Virgin".... And proud of it... Love you , love your body, love everything about you, and You will see the light.... Light- lights, brightness, happiness.... You will be content in yor own skin, and nothing will shake you........ And you will be happier.. you will be free...
SHE HAS TO PUT OF WITH TONS OF SHIT!!!! And I am not joking around now.
MY good friend X knows how I feel about sex. I love it, but there is no reason for me to give it up for some stupid random one night affair. SO I am still a "virgin"... YES I AM!!! And I am proud of it... hahahah What I mean by that is, since may, I have kept to myself. What is the point going out there, meeting someone, counting 1 date, 2 date, 3 dates... and then guy knows,--- AAAAHHHH, yeah, all girls have 3 date rules... After third date they hope to get laid, and then run as fast as they can... I have seen it couple of times. I have been out on few dates, and after third date, guy usually runs... or stops trying to impress me with his stupidity and just walks away.--- WOrds like Sweetheart, babygirl, gorgeous, blue eyes, princess , my Queen, Beautiful, My only..... Disappear overnight.
I don't understand why girls fall so quickly for it... and then complain my boyfriend of 2 days left me after I gave in.... GIRLS, stay longer than that... Build a friendship. FIND OUT WHO HE REALLY IS. If you want a relationship, you can weed out 10 pm booty call guys by staying true to what you really want... Of course, if it is only sex... go there and have as much as you want... GO FOR IT... good for you!!!!!!
But now back to topic... Since June I have gone to dates with 4 "men".... First one I "swiped out", was actually pretty impressive. If was in my 20s, I would have totally melted... Now i was like, lets wait it out... he will show his true colors soon, and soon enough, he sent me message to pick him up from his new workplace to drive him home.... LET ME TELL---I ONLY saw him once at a coffee shop.... There is #lyft that he could call for.... That tell me right away- most likely has 10 roommates and only couple of square feet for himself.... Get your shit together .... Good luck...
Date 2... He had everything going for him... But what he said, just raised some attention in my conscious mind..and all I could think of was --- MARRIED..... He was to careful..... He asked me when can we meet again, and I said pretty much today..... and he never followed up.. SO I know he is having fun with someone else... good for him...
Date 3... I don't know what to say about him.. I am just going to leave it blank.... I felt like I was raped on set .... there was no physical contact... But it was one of the most uncomfortable dates I ever was on...... Removed and blocked the person after meeting him...
AND... there is date number 4.... Actually... he was 1st person I met when I moved back to cali.. HE is calm, collected, has vision, has passion, and has been respectful. Well, the thing is... I am not stupid... If I say no, and we are not inclusive, there is always someone who can say yes, after he leaves from date... RIght? I am not bothered by that.. you do whatever you do before you find what works for you.... But please, don't call me stupid for not taking you for a test drive when I am not ready.. :) Smily face, smily face... hashtag looking for my last love...... I met him and I am intriqued....
And there is one more person.... Date number 5 I have not met yet..... Conversations are great, but universe does not want us to meet. There is always something happening before I get to meet up with him... SOmetimes it is a great thing, but sometimes it is not that good.... God and my own intuition have never lied... SO maybe there is a reason.
So woman, girls, princesses, queens, ladies-- listen... Don't fall for that BS you are fed on your first couple of dates of meeting someone..... THINK hard what works for you... Of course--- nice words work for all of us... BUT in beginning it is all words... You want to see his actions. He better show his actions.. He better, make you feel like the QUEEN( not princess) with his actions... He better, give you flowers ( most men don't like giving flowers, because it is significant, it represents commitment , or it means something... SO be careful with gifts and flowers early on...Accept them, but dont question... Just pay attenion....
I really don't want to be downer Diana, but I have been hurt, I hurt people, I have seen shit been there done that... ANd I am still "Virgin".... And proud of it... Love you , love your body, love everything about you, and You will see the light.... Light- lights, brightness, happiness.... You will be content in yor own skin, and nothing will shake you........ And you will be happier.. you will be free...
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Don't lie...
To recognize the light in me, dig deep in your dark fucked up soul, close your eyes , take a deep breath in...., count In 4- breathe out........ feel relaxed......open your eyes and ask yourself- are you ready to rip open my barely healed half stitched wounds? Do you want to see what I have seen , what I have felt, what I have heard, what I have learned, ? Are you ready to see me,feel me, hear me, grow with me?
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Holidays......
I don't know how to put my feelings into words right now. It hurts to think about it, and i rather not think about it, but if I don't think and talk about it all, then my feelings will blow up at one point, and someone undeserving will get the best of it...
And I really don't have many people i can talk about it, so here I go...
I miss my son . I miss him to the point that nothing else really matters. I have great friends around me, and we have good time when we meet, but in the end of the day, I still cant stop missing him . And I guess , these feelings will never go away. Some days will be easier, other days ..... I don't want to even think about it.....
I am depressed... I am am.... and I am doing everything in my power to snap out of it. Holidays are approaching on a speedy manner. First time in 17 years- I am spending it without my kids. THis will be first year, I am not be able to see my son during halloween, thanksgiving and christmas. I don't see him all year long, but I am big at holidays, and there was always holiday meal, presents, we managed to have some fun :)
Now - he is in china with his father and half siblings and I am here in USA. It is just fucking painful even to think about it. And not to have person next to you who I could share some of my thoughts and who would tell me everything will be fine one day is hard...
I have to be my own best friend in a way. And just deal with it the best I can. But there are moments I just dont want to deal with it anymore. l just want to stay in my bed, pull covers over my head, and hope it will all pass without me not paying attention to it. But thats not how life works..
So , right now, One day at a time, and hoping I'm not forgetting to breathe...
Im just having one of those days.... thats it... just one these days.......
And I really don't have many people i can talk about it, so here I go...
I miss my son . I miss him to the point that nothing else really matters. I have great friends around me, and we have good time when we meet, but in the end of the day, I still cant stop missing him . And I guess , these feelings will never go away. Some days will be easier, other days ..... I don't want to even think about it.....
I am depressed... I am am.... and I am doing everything in my power to snap out of it. Holidays are approaching on a speedy manner. First time in 17 years- I am spending it without my kids. THis will be first year, I am not be able to see my son during halloween, thanksgiving and christmas. I don't see him all year long, but I am big at holidays, and there was always holiday meal, presents, we managed to have some fun :)
Now - he is in china with his father and half siblings and I am here in USA. It is just fucking painful even to think about it. And not to have person next to you who I could share some of my thoughts and who would tell me everything will be fine one day is hard...
I have to be my own best friend in a way. And just deal with it the best I can. But there are moments I just dont want to deal with it anymore. l just want to stay in my bed, pull covers over my head, and hope it will all pass without me not paying attention to it. But thats not how life works..
So , right now, One day at a time, and hoping I'm not forgetting to breathe...
Im just having one of those days.... thats it... just one these days.......
Monday, October 10, 2016
Beautiful life happens, when beautiful soul is free....
This post is up close and personal. It is something I have been thinking about a lot lately. It is about sex, or actually not having sex in my life at all. It is not something I crave or need , but it is eventually something I would want to have again.
It is 10th of October, 2016 and it is 21st century. People are open and honest about sex, or they try to be. So am i.
Last time I was sexually active with someone was in middle of May, in foreign country, . I was was in love and same time I loved the person who meant the world for me and it meant something... Last time I did have sex I did not enjoy it. It was just empty, and it was His need, not mine. He had lost passion, and I felt sad for us. It was not something I did, but it was something, he thought I would be, and I knew in my mind, I will not be that size 6, fake boobs, hourglass figure never for him..... He had an idea how would I look one day, and that is what was so wrong.... I knew our end was near... I felt it in every cell in my body, and my mind was present, But I kept quiet....
When it comes to my thinking and mind , I am little different. At 38 years old, I should have most amazing sexual life ever and not care... I should be out getting numbers, flirting... But I don't. Right now, I am having the best relationship with myself, and I am not going to give myself to someone who tells me they find me attractive, or sexy, or hot, or amazing ... and they say those things only for their advantage- in hopes I am going to fall for it..... It is not that easy.
I have been talking to people. I have been out on dates. And I have been thinking about starting my sexual journeys again, but so far no one amazing enough has come to my way. And it is ok.
Sex complicates things. And guys these days ( or actually over the decades are great making it complicated... THeY WOULD SAY ANYTHING... a n y t h i n g.... to get into your pants..... And I really mean anything... All inspirational and self help websites educate the one what to say, how to behave, how to get a woman... and I have read tons of those that are meant for men... All I do is, take few deep breaths in, let little less out, and read it again, to see if I got it right... It is ridiculous. Social media, free websites, "inspirational" quotes, etc, make it very easy for everyone to have an access to information and miss use it towards male/female... So in the end of the day, I have very hard time processing what is real what is not.... So we females or guys, have to come up with more creative ways asking questions, to see if the person if interest is here for right reasons.
While I am typing this, my mind is already fried, and I want to sleep and not thi nk about dating ...And it all will lead to same thing..--- , " HEY GURRRLLLL, send me naked pic of you......... or a portion of your nakedness....
all I got a say at this point is... I like old school.... Picnic with cheese and chard or pinot or both , walk at the beach, art gallery, amazing night views, sunsets, star gazing, movie nights, ( preferably horror movies, so I can grab your leg with my 10 fingers.... ) recording studio , so we can make our first fucked up song - so what we can't sing...... Goint to bridal shops and dressing up as groom and bride just for fun- but choosing the worst outfits at that store.., dance lessons, or just simple gas station hot dogs with no nutritional value ... and more flowers............. flowers...yellow tulips, roses, daffodils, and finally--- one that would win a heart of mine--- SAUNA ...
I have to get me my own sauna.... and lake.....
Anyways, I just got carried away.... best dates in my mind are the ones when 2 people come together, and nothing else matters. :)
...
It is 10th of October, 2016 and it is 21st century. People are open and honest about sex, or they try to be. So am i.
Last time I was sexually active with someone was in middle of May, in foreign country, . I was was in love and same time I loved the person who meant the world for me and it meant something... Last time I did have sex I did not enjoy it. It was just empty, and it was His need, not mine. He had lost passion, and I felt sad for us. It was not something I did, but it was something, he thought I would be, and I knew in my mind, I will not be that size 6, fake boobs, hourglass figure never for him..... He had an idea how would I look one day, and that is what was so wrong.... I knew our end was near... I felt it in every cell in my body, and my mind was present, But I kept quiet....
When it comes to my thinking and mind , I am little different. At 38 years old, I should have most amazing sexual life ever and not care... I should be out getting numbers, flirting... But I don't. Right now, I am having the best relationship with myself, and I am not going to give myself to someone who tells me they find me attractive, or sexy, or hot, or amazing ... and they say those things only for their advantage- in hopes I am going to fall for it..... It is not that easy.
I have been talking to people. I have been out on dates. And I have been thinking about starting my sexual journeys again, but so far no one amazing enough has come to my way. And it is ok.
Sex complicates things. And guys these days ( or actually over the decades are great making it complicated... THeY WOULD SAY ANYTHING... a n y t h i n g.... to get into your pants..... And I really mean anything... All inspirational and self help websites educate the one what to say, how to behave, how to get a woman... and I have read tons of those that are meant for men... All I do is, take few deep breaths in, let little less out, and read it again, to see if I got it right... It is ridiculous. Social media, free websites, "inspirational" quotes, etc, make it very easy for everyone to have an access to information and miss use it towards male/female... So in the end of the day, I have very hard time processing what is real what is not.... So we females or guys, have to come up with more creative ways asking questions, to see if the person if interest is here for right reasons.
While I am typing this, my mind is already fried, and I want to sleep and not thi nk about dating ...And it all will lead to same thing..--- , " HEY GURRRLLLL, send me naked pic of you......... or a portion of your nakedness....
all I got a say at this point is... I like old school.... Picnic with cheese and chard or pinot or both , walk at the beach, art gallery, amazing night views, sunsets, star gazing, movie nights, ( preferably horror movies, so I can grab your leg with my 10 fingers.... ) recording studio , so we can make our first fucked up song - so what we can't sing...... Goint to bridal shops and dressing up as groom and bride just for fun- but choosing the worst outfits at that store.., dance lessons, or just simple gas station hot dogs with no nutritional value ... and more flowers............. flowers...yellow tulips, roses, daffodils, and finally--- one that would win a heart of mine--- SAUNA ...
I have to get me my own sauna.... and lake.....
Anyways, I just got carried away.... best dates in my mind are the ones when 2 people come together, and nothing else matters. :)
...
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Age of Adeline.....
I watched this fascinating movie tonight.... I was mesmerized by it. Everybody can translate it the way they want, but for me it sounded and looked like this.... You might be running from your life as many times as you wish, lie, cheat, hurt people and accept hurt from others,,,one might feel that time has stopped, and and one would still run feeling forever young, forever able........ ... But you just keep running, and running and running... Till someone comes along ..w
Till someone comes along and you want to be everything to that someone.. That someone who changes your reality...And you will no longer run or hide, you become your best self ever, and night after night you would only want to run into the arms of that person, because, that is why at first place, you never settled for anything else.....
...
Till someone comes along and you want to be everything to that someone.. That someone who changes your reality...And you will no longer run or hide, you become your best self ever, and night after night you would only want to run into the arms of that person, because, that is why at first place, you never settled for anything else.....
...
Sunday, October 2, 2016
...
Drop in the ocean... That is how I feel at times... i feel like a drop in the ocean.. I see myself getting lost in the waves of life... Lost and confused.. melting into what surrounds me... And then I remember... I am not supposed to blend in, I am supposed to shine ....
And take a deep breath in... and I take a step, and another, and one more.. and I pull myself out whatever tries to drag me down... or pull me under...
no more ....
di
Thursday, September 22, 2016
Wohooo.
It has been hell of a 22 days in California.. Friends, tears, laughter, confusion, WTF moments , and plenty- let me just roll my eyes moments...
Today I did something I have been scared to death to do... Thanks to my friend, I signed up to do pilates.. I don't even know why I did it, but she was so convincing ( because she is fucking Gemini).. SO I signed up, and showed up. ANd the moment I showed up, I almost excused myself and ran away. In my mind I was like.. NO FUCKING WAY, I am going to use that table to get myself to get the best shape of my life... THAT table looked worse than birthing table at hospital... or Tables at abortion clinics... WHen you give birth you just push few times and its over,,,,, abortion clinic ,you get amazing drugs, lie at the table, stare at the ceiling, and then its over... ONLY work you have to do is deal with your emotions after that...
I am sure my facial expression at the room was like- WTF I ain't doing this... It looks like I am going to hurt myself and will never ever recover from it... I was horrified... ANd then I saw all fucking fit mellow bitches walking in with faces like_ WE LOVE IT, this is peace of cake... ..... And I was standing there like... SURE.... I got this too.. WATCH ME.. I GOT THIS...
AND then, Boss lady, put on her microphone turned on music and everyone took positions like they were pros... ANd I was just faking it...
BUT, this faking IT was not that easy... I actually had to put on some work... Well, it is easy to fake an orgasm, if guy is horrible... Just flex some cervix muscles, make some uuhh, ooh sounds and pretend like you are having a good time...... THIS PILATES WAS NOT ONE OF THOSE FAKE IT TILL MAKE IT.... NO WAYZA...
I actually had to commit to it for 50 minutes... Are you kidding me 50 fucking minutes of pain.... But the same time, all I heard in my ears was instructors soft voice..... CORDS are not on control, you are on control, YOu are controlling your moves.... Take charge girls... You got this.....
And she was fucking right... I got this... At one point I thought I am going to pass out.... So I just stepped off the table, and took a breather... But then I heard that voice again-- AND I FOR SURE GOT THAT SHIT...
And when it was done... I just stood there for a moment, and thought to myself... What the fuck did I just do? DID I really last for that long, and I finished it? ME , are you serious? I almost split myself in half, almost threw up, almost cried- but I kept pushing and finished it... With little whoopsy doopsy dooos here and there.. but I did it... ANd In my mind I was doing the best happy dance I could do.
I still hated my friend because she said it would be fun....... And now I know what she meant... Rest of my day was fun... I was energized( but in pain) , I was happy( but in pain), I was singing ( still in pain)... And most important thing... I can't wait to go back and have another 50 minutes of pure pleasure...
I am in control......
Peace, love , happiness and light to you all....
Today I did something I have been scared to death to do... Thanks to my friend, I signed up to do pilates.. I don't even know why I did it, but she was so convincing ( because she is fucking Gemini).. SO I signed up, and showed up. ANd the moment I showed up, I almost excused myself and ran away. In my mind I was like.. NO FUCKING WAY, I am going to use that table to get myself to get the best shape of my life... THAT table looked worse than birthing table at hospital... or Tables at abortion clinics... WHen you give birth you just push few times and its over,,,,, abortion clinic ,you get amazing drugs, lie at the table, stare at the ceiling, and then its over... ONLY work you have to do is deal with your emotions after that...
I am sure my facial expression at the room was like- WTF I ain't doing this... It looks like I am going to hurt myself and will never ever recover from it... I was horrified... ANd then I saw all fucking fit mellow bitches walking in with faces like_ WE LOVE IT, this is peace of cake... ..... And I was standing there like... SURE.... I got this too.. WATCH ME.. I GOT THIS...
AND then, Boss lady, put on her microphone turned on music and everyone took positions like they were pros... ANd I was just faking it...
BUT, this faking IT was not that easy... I actually had to put on some work... Well, it is easy to fake an orgasm, if guy is horrible... Just flex some cervix muscles, make some uuhh, ooh sounds and pretend like you are having a good time...... THIS PILATES WAS NOT ONE OF THOSE FAKE IT TILL MAKE IT.... NO WAYZA...
I actually had to commit to it for 50 minutes... Are you kidding me 50 fucking minutes of pain.... But the same time, all I heard in my ears was instructors soft voice..... CORDS are not on control, you are on control, YOu are controlling your moves.... Take charge girls... You got this.....
And she was fucking right... I got this... At one point I thought I am going to pass out.... So I just stepped off the table, and took a breather... But then I heard that voice again-- AND I FOR SURE GOT THAT SHIT...
And when it was done... I just stood there for a moment, and thought to myself... What the fuck did I just do? DID I really last for that long, and I finished it? ME , are you serious? I almost split myself in half, almost threw up, almost cried- but I kept pushing and finished it... With little whoopsy doopsy dooos here and there.. but I did it... ANd In my mind I was doing the best happy dance I could do.
I still hated my friend because she said it would be fun....... And now I know what she meant... Rest of my day was fun... I was energized( but in pain) , I was happy( but in pain), I was singing ( still in pain)... And most important thing... I can't wait to go back and have another 50 minutes of pure pleasure...
I am in control......
Peace, love , happiness and light to you all....
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Happy Birthday Angel Regina.
It is ok not to be ok. It is ok to cry, and it is ok to mourn even after years when your child has passed away. Regina has never left my mind. She will always be part of me, and I will always think about her, but hardest time I ever have is in September.
She was born on 19th of september on 1999, and she passed away in september 20th, 2009 . So September is not a good month.
Miss her laugh, miss her jokes, miss her giggles, miss her hugs, miss reading her books before bedtime, miss going shopping with her, miss telling her to stop being a drama queen, miss the way she loved to cuddle with me, miss how she smelled....... Miss comforting her, mis taking care of her... I MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT HER....
I MISS MY DAUGHTER..
I MISS MY DAUGHTER..
7 years have passed since I last told her I love you. 7 years have passed since I heard her laughter , 7 years have passed since I last held her in my arms. 7 years have passed since We lost her.
7 years have passed since I stopped giving a crap ..
Nothing compares to loosing a child you gave birth to.Nothing. I have moved on from it, but I will always remember the sleepless nights and fear and tears. I remember arguments with doctors , nurses, and caregivers and with my ex husband.... And I always remember how guilty I felt because I could not give equal amount of attention to Gabriel.... My son.
But It all started way before 7 years ago... It all started in march 2004 when we started running from doctor to doctor to find out what is wrong with our little girl... And no one had an answer. Top doctors in orange county even started calling me paranoid and told me to stop worrying , because they thought it was just some weird strain of virus.... But we never did give up.
And now here I am... Missing her more than I have ever missed anyone else. And with every passing year- missing her does not get less. I almost feel like, I miss her more. And I am not ok.
Pain is excruciating and only parents who have lost a child will understand it. You will never be the same, but you pretend to be ok. And it will work for a while, but then again, there are relapses around important dates. Just like now... september 19th is her birthday, and I am broken inside. I think I am even more than broken.... I feel like I'm in middle of dessert alone, naked, screaming for help... and feeling like help will never arrive. It is horrible feeling. But I know in few days this feeling too shall pass. But only for a moment... I just have to deal with it. I have to distract myself so I would not be complete mess. And that is challenge... I want to be complete mess sometimes... I have been complete mess in past... SO , please can I be again? People get to be complete messes when their boyfriends or husbands leave them... Only advice we get is.. hey... there are plenty men out there for you... Suck it in and move on...
But when your child dies..... there are no right things to say... You can't say... hey... MOVE ON, she died... go and adopt another one... there are plenty kids who need your love.
..NOOOOO... no one will replace your child.
Pain does get little better with time, but memories will remain. And Memories we have made as family, make me smile, and it lessens the pain.... But life will never be the same....
Missing my Girl...
one day we will meet again
xoxoxoxo
Monday, September 12, 2016
Another day in paradise....
And I am slowly starting to adapt to this new life of mine. I still don't have my own place, and I am grateful of my friend Julee who I contacted 20 hours before I arrived to usa to tell her-- I NEED A PLACE.. CAN I CRASH YOURS..... And she did allow me to do so. I am crashing it, and I feel horrible about it. She has the most amazing spirit about her, and the way she ( and her ex) has been helping our family is just mind blowing. And now here I am, crashing her crib, trying to make sense of it all, because it all still feels like a dream to me. But I am here. What I am trying to say is. I don't know what I have done right in my life. Because at times it feels , everything I have done has lead to disaster, but then I look at my friends i get grounded.... Maire and Steve and their children- I don't know how they can be so welcoming and trusting all the time.. They have seen me as complete mess and still accept me as I am... Kadi- chats we have person to person or on cell.... I constantly laugh, Xochitl - our friendship has suffered tons because we are on different paths of life and I feel like she does not get me that well anymore... I am different person than I was 7 years when I moved away.... But we are still lingering there, and I hope we can save our friendship ... My new friends B&K... Every time I visit their restaurant in Van nuys - I just laugh my butt off.. and messages I get from them are very up lifting. My Estonian Family and friends... I don't feel Estonian at all. I stopped feeling Estonian long time ago, but there is still bond, and When I chat with my bestie over there I wish I was closer to her, so we could just sit and chat and i could hear her wisdoms..
I think we all are strong-- but sometimes when we do have our weak moments and then we need someone who is stronger than us at that given moment... the one Who can tell us,- you got this, you are the QB, you thrive, you are the platinum B... we all need to hear it all the time... SO I am more than grateful , I have my girls and guys who keep me grounded . And That is more than enough.
I almost forgot why I started writing today.. I just had so many thoughts in my head... TO many.. Unraveling all over the place... Almost got lost in my own mind.... But my point is.. You attract what is meant for you... And I am so happy, that all I have attracted are calm peaceful strong minds... And if I did not have them,, I'd be lost...
And When time is right... Person who would be my mirror would take charge and claim me.. That is the only thing that is missing in my life right now... My equal . Because, I am tired of making myself laugh all the time, every time....
I think we all are strong-- but sometimes when we do have our weak moments and then we need someone who is stronger than us at that given moment... the one Who can tell us,- you got this, you are the QB, you thrive, you are the platinum B... we all need to hear it all the time... SO I am more than grateful , I have my girls and guys who keep me grounded . And That is more than enough.
I almost forgot why I started writing today.. I just had so many thoughts in my head... TO many.. Unraveling all over the place... Almost got lost in my own mind.... But my point is.. You attract what is meant for you... And I am so happy, that all I have attracted are calm peaceful strong minds... And if I did not have them,, I'd be lost...
And When time is right... Person who would be my mirror would take charge and claim me.. That is the only thing that is missing in my life right now... My equal . Because, I am tired of making myself laugh all the time, every time....
Sunday, September 11, 2016
I have arrived...
I had known for a long time that my ex husband was planning to travel to California on August 30. And I had already purchased tickets to move permanently to SoCal on 9/11 . We just kept chatting about our son being with me during that 10 day trip he is over in cali. And of course I told him, I will take care of our boy in china.... I am his momma, and whatever he needs something, or whenever he needs me I will be there for him.
So day before his trip my ex texted me and told me his travel details. We always do that to each other, because we have one amazing son who needs both of his parents.. And if something would happen ether of us during our travels, we would know exactly what is going on. We have reached different kind of love and respect. And it is how it is supposed to be.
So anyways, He texted me and says he takes of in about 12 hours... I told him... It would be amazing, if Gabriel and I would be too in usa for our last trip together, because I am not going to see my son for a year.... It was just a thought. I did not expect anything to happen... As you know, I already had my tickets.. I knew that I would be with my son no matter what those 10 days before I travel to usa. But it all is little fucked up.... Hangzhou was hosting G20 ( google if you don't know what it is) and because of this event, my Hangzhou is dead- empty, people are sent out of city, schools , restaurants, bars are closed... there is nothing for us to do.... My son and I would just hang in our apartment and stare our computers with stoned faces. But is that how do you wan't to spend your last days with your blood? NO... But then again, my mind was set on I would make these last 10 days the best days....
And then... after I told him, that , HEY, would be great, he paused and said. Let me check something.... And he did check something, and 2 hours later. We all had our tickets to fly to USA..
I cancelled my 9/11 ticket, packed my last suitcase, and i was ready to leave china...
I could not hold back my tears. I cried all night. I cried due to multiple reasons. Biggest reason was- I knew I will not be able to see my amazing son Gabriel till summer 2017. I started to feel like a failure. Because sons always need their moms. I was always near by. Never missed his concerts, never missed his parent teacher conferences, never missed any milestones in his life... ANd now here I am.. I am going to miss his face..... In stage.. Performing, ... seeking for my face in the sea of moms and dads... ANd I am not there... Will he hate me? Will he hold it against me in future? Will he keep his feelings downlow and become rebellious teenager? I had to many questions.....
And while I was thinking all about those questions. I fell asleep briefly... Maybe for 4 hours... ANd then it was time to get my ass up and stare my mirror.... Person who stared back at me, I did not like... She was scared, she was sad, she was overwhelmed, she was not herself at that moment...... I could not even look at myself... I was so scared..
At age 38 you are not supposed to be scared.. You supposed to be strong independent woman . Right? The ones society keeps talking about....
ANyway... I am actually that SIW. Oh hell yeah I am. Give birth to 2 amazing kids. Watch Jesus claim one at age 10..... Divorce few year later. And Now LEAVE my son to CHINA, with my ex, who is great father.. BTW.... Please don't call him dead beat dad. He ain't that... SO... Everything really comes in trees.... 3 worst things in my life have happened.... Loosing my daughter, loosing my marriage, and walking away from my son... FYI-- single female in late 30s has nothing to do in china... after her mission is completed.... Get out.... I never planed to apart from my son... But I realized... I wan't to be in strong loving relationship.. And I don't want to do it in china.. HANGZHOU.... No quality singles... for my caliber... There area quality people... BUT . Asia is not my final destination..... SO... Gabriel is 15 now. He is smart, talented and ready to take this world by storm. He knows, his mother and father love him, and one day , his step siblings will look up to him. He is rolemodel to so many people... Loose a sister at age 8 can't be easy... His sister was his best friend and mentor.... And I can only imagine how much he is still to this day is hurting inside.... And hopefully one day, He can do make a difference in many peoples lives. and I am sure, he already has.... :)
SO now... I am here... Scared. and uncertain what future holds. But I still have my dreams... I am still daredevil.... WHo the fuck would just say... HEY... I am moving now.. .and here I am... Still work in progress. And hopefully one day, there will be person next to me who would kiss me good morning every mornings- With love in his eyes.
Till then .. I just work on myself, creating my own empire, and staying 110% honest with who I am . Because if you don't know who you are, how do you know who are people surrounding you.....
XO.. to be continued..... Stay amazing... More love is on its way....
So day before his trip my ex texted me and told me his travel details. We always do that to each other, because we have one amazing son who needs both of his parents.. And if something would happen ether of us during our travels, we would know exactly what is going on. We have reached different kind of love and respect. And it is how it is supposed to be.
So anyways, He texted me and says he takes of in about 12 hours... I told him... It would be amazing, if Gabriel and I would be too in usa for our last trip together, because I am not going to see my son for a year.... It was just a thought. I did not expect anything to happen... As you know, I already had my tickets.. I knew that I would be with my son no matter what those 10 days before I travel to usa. But it all is little fucked up.... Hangzhou was hosting G20 ( google if you don't know what it is) and because of this event, my Hangzhou is dead- empty, people are sent out of city, schools , restaurants, bars are closed... there is nothing for us to do.... My son and I would just hang in our apartment and stare our computers with stoned faces. But is that how do you wan't to spend your last days with your blood? NO... But then again, my mind was set on I would make these last 10 days the best days....
And then... after I told him, that , HEY, would be great, he paused and said. Let me check something.... And he did check something, and 2 hours later. We all had our tickets to fly to USA..
I cancelled my 9/11 ticket, packed my last suitcase, and i was ready to leave china...
I could not hold back my tears. I cried all night. I cried due to multiple reasons. Biggest reason was- I knew I will not be able to see my amazing son Gabriel till summer 2017. I started to feel like a failure. Because sons always need their moms. I was always near by. Never missed his concerts, never missed his parent teacher conferences, never missed any milestones in his life... ANd now here I am.. I am going to miss his face..... In stage.. Performing, ... seeking for my face in the sea of moms and dads... ANd I am not there... Will he hate me? Will he hold it against me in future? Will he keep his feelings downlow and become rebellious teenager? I had to many questions.....
And while I was thinking all about those questions. I fell asleep briefly... Maybe for 4 hours... ANd then it was time to get my ass up and stare my mirror.... Person who stared back at me, I did not like... She was scared, she was sad, she was overwhelmed, she was not herself at that moment...... I could not even look at myself... I was so scared..
At age 38 you are not supposed to be scared.. You supposed to be strong independent woman . Right? The ones society keeps talking about....
ANyway... I am actually that SIW. Oh hell yeah I am. Give birth to 2 amazing kids. Watch Jesus claim one at age 10..... Divorce few year later. And Now LEAVE my son to CHINA, with my ex, who is great father.. BTW.... Please don't call him dead beat dad. He ain't that... SO... Everything really comes in trees.... 3 worst things in my life have happened.... Loosing my daughter, loosing my marriage, and walking away from my son... FYI-- single female in late 30s has nothing to do in china... after her mission is completed.... Get out.... I never planed to apart from my son... But I realized... I wan't to be in strong loving relationship.. And I don't want to do it in china.. HANGZHOU.... No quality singles... for my caliber... There area quality people... BUT . Asia is not my final destination..... SO... Gabriel is 15 now. He is smart, talented and ready to take this world by storm. He knows, his mother and father love him, and one day , his step siblings will look up to him. He is rolemodel to so many people... Loose a sister at age 8 can't be easy... His sister was his best friend and mentor.... And I can only imagine how much he is still to this day is hurting inside.... And hopefully one day, He can do make a difference in many peoples lives. and I am sure, he already has.... :)
SO now... I am here... Scared. and uncertain what future holds. But I still have my dreams... I am still daredevil.... WHo the fuck would just say... HEY... I am moving now.. .and here I am... Still work in progress. And hopefully one day, there will be person next to me who would kiss me good morning every mornings- With love in his eyes.
Till then .. I just work on myself, creating my own empire, and staying 110% honest with who I am . Because if you don't know who you are, how do you know who are people surrounding you.....
XO.. to be continued..... Stay amazing... More love is on its way....
Monday, August 22, 2016
One step at a time.
One of my favorite sayings is-"Life has a funny sense of humor." Why I say it is because is, I have everything great happening in my life. I really have nothing to complain about. And for a split second, meaning for about 7 months I had about everything I had ever wished for. Great life, good friends, roof over head, food on table, and man I loved with all my heart... To be honest I still love him. And wish him all the best in life, and I hope he finds what it is he is searching for. But I realized at one point in my relationship It was not me. If you have to start protecting your honor , your visions, and your integrity and most of all your reputation- then there is nothing much else to do than to start moving on. He is not by any means bad person, but I need a Man, confident, secure, independent, but most of all respectful one. He has all potentials to be the one , in one day, but sadly, I guess it is not me. I wish him all the best in life, and hope one day he sees it is not all about Him..... God is in control and because of that , I know deep in my heart I made right decision once in my life to move away from what made me feel down and trapped.
Beginning of every relationship is perfect. But it is what you make it in a long run...... ANd I want successful relationship . The kind of relationship you don't have to worry about what you will say in the morning, what will you wear to places, how you would hold hands in certain places and so on.... I want man who is secure with himself.....
And when time is right... I will get over him. I will...
Right now I am just thinking about my move. It is still scary. It does not matter how much I think about it, or how much I plan. Scariest of them is all getting a job. I am 38. My experience has been my family. Taking care of kids and house. Staying on top of everything, and now at this age going back to usa. It is frightening . I don't have impressive resume to show to anyone. Nobody hires you because of life experiences, but one thing I know. I will be alright. And how I know it is because , I am not alone . God is right next to me. I have ignored him in past, but not anymore. I would not have survived without Him. Looking back at my life, He was there every step of the way for me, but i was ignorant. Missing the signs. In a way, because of Him, I have been able to stay as humble as I am. Without Him I'd be broken to tiny little pieces again, and unable to pick myself up for a long time. Without him - I'd be lost. But I'm not lost anymore. of course, we are finding ourselves till the day we die... and that is the truth. By lost I mean- not lost in this yada yada yada. I see, i feel, i function and most importantly - I am still happy.
So , tonight.. I toast for new beginnings. Never be afraid.
Beginning of every relationship is perfect. But it is what you make it in a long run...... ANd I want successful relationship . The kind of relationship you don't have to worry about what you will say in the morning, what will you wear to places, how you would hold hands in certain places and so on.... I want man who is secure with himself.....
And when time is right... I will get over him. I will...
Right now I am just thinking about my move. It is still scary. It does not matter how much I think about it, or how much I plan. Scariest of them is all getting a job. I am 38. My experience has been my family. Taking care of kids and house. Staying on top of everything, and now at this age going back to usa. It is frightening . I don't have impressive resume to show to anyone. Nobody hires you because of life experiences, but one thing I know. I will be alright. And how I know it is because , I am not alone . God is right next to me. I have ignored him in past, but not anymore. I would not have survived without Him. Looking back at my life, He was there every step of the way for me, but i was ignorant. Missing the signs. In a way, because of Him, I have been able to stay as humble as I am. Without Him I'd be broken to tiny little pieces again, and unable to pick myself up for a long time. Without him - I'd be lost. But I'm not lost anymore. of course, we are finding ourselves till the day we die... and that is the truth. By lost I mean- not lost in this yada yada yada. I see, i feel, i function and most importantly - I am still happy.
So , tonight.. I toast for new beginnings. Never be afraid.
Saturday, July 30, 2016
I'm #scared
I can keep a cool face for a very long time. By long I don't mean couple of weeks or months.. By cool I mean for years. By cool I mean looking straight at you laughing at your jokes , but inside everything is burning . Burning so hard that feels like nothing can distinguish that burning fire. But I keep pushing and pushing and pushing. .. and pushing even more till I drop for few days. ANd when I drop I drop. Unable to move, unable to communicate, unable to smile , unable to look anybody into their eyes. Unable to even button up my shirt. I just lay there.. Unable to move, unable to face the world, unable to push myself. And I know that will not last forever. I know, with little self talk I will be back on track before anybody notices what has happened.
I can cry and pray and scream for a long time. And I do that. On my own. Till one day comes someone into my life who is not pretending to have same demons as mine. But for for real "it" will introduce "the" demons to me me and our demons will have an party.
Life is as hard as you make it. But I don't think I made my life hard. I think My life has been pretty balanced. Of course I have given more than I have bargained for, but one thing for sure is. It is something I have been able to handle-sometimes great, sometimes not so well. But I have been handling it best for what fits my situation....
One of the thoughts that came to me few days ago was... it might sound insane to you, but perfectly makes sense. When it comes to my personal life it has been most amazing fucked up rollercoaster. Those who have stuck to me, know what I am talking about . But one thing has been consistent. Financial stability. I am comfortable. I am not rich, I am not wealthy-I am comfortable. And that made me think... God has been fair with me. I have had the best and the worst of the both words. Been there , done that. And for some reason, it still keeps me blessing with everything.
I don't question why. Because I think, you have to agree to accept everything that comes to your way ( well, to bitch about you have your girlfriends( in my case ) or your brothas'. But you have to keep your cool .
Actually, I have been scattering all over the place... hoping you all going to take off and leave me alone. But I feel it is not the case. Most of you want to see me fail or have miserable time.... THe fact is. I DO NOT. I have my weak moments, but I rise and i shine, and I sparkle, and i whoot whoot- meaning . I do whatever the fcuck i want ;).... Just like you all out there checking on me once in a while- living your own life and doing your thing :) Do it, and stick to it.....
After almost 7 years of "Chi chi' Land, i am out of there. Thats right. THis peace of platinum, says " SAYONARA" hdskfwjoeij and Hi again Sunshine state California :) I am doing it on my own . It is fucking scary, but I am doing it. Have to be back home . Happy and lively and not feel like I live in a jailhouse.
Please be patient.... I am almost out of " under the construction" sigh. Couple of more months and - Terviseks for brand new pages in my life... Alone or someone next to me - thats still a mystery to me as well. Stay tuned and we all will see..
But one word for all emotional freeloaders out there... Keep checking on me... Loving that I can give you something to talk about. . But am sad, that I am here only for your entertainment.... No wahalaaaaaa Queen( zzzz)
I can cry and pray and scream for a long time. And I do that. On my own. Till one day comes someone into my life who is not pretending to have same demons as mine. But for for real "it" will introduce "the" demons to me me and our demons will have an party.
Life is as hard as you make it. But I don't think I made my life hard. I think My life has been pretty balanced. Of course I have given more than I have bargained for, but one thing for sure is. It is something I have been able to handle-sometimes great, sometimes not so well. But I have been handling it best for what fits my situation....
One of the thoughts that came to me few days ago was... it might sound insane to you, but perfectly makes sense. When it comes to my personal life it has been most amazing fucked up rollercoaster. Those who have stuck to me, know what I am talking about . But one thing has been consistent. Financial stability. I am comfortable. I am not rich, I am not wealthy-I am comfortable. And that made me think... God has been fair with me. I have had the best and the worst of the both words. Been there , done that. And for some reason, it still keeps me blessing with everything.
I don't question why. Because I think, you have to agree to accept everything that comes to your way ( well, to bitch about you have your girlfriends( in my case ) or your brothas'. But you have to keep your cool .
Actually, I have been scattering all over the place... hoping you all going to take off and leave me alone. But I feel it is not the case. Most of you want to see me fail or have miserable time.... THe fact is. I DO NOT. I have my weak moments, but I rise and i shine, and I sparkle, and i whoot whoot- meaning . I do whatever the fcuck i want ;).... Just like you all out there checking on me once in a while- living your own life and doing your thing :) Do it, and stick to it.....
After almost 7 years of "Chi chi' Land, i am out of there. Thats right. THis peace of platinum, says " SAYONARA" hdskfwjoeij and Hi again Sunshine state California :) I am doing it on my own . It is fucking scary, but I am doing it. Have to be back home . Happy and lively and not feel like I live in a jailhouse.
Please be patient.... I am almost out of " under the construction" sigh. Couple of more months and - Terviseks for brand new pages in my life... Alone or someone next to me - thats still a mystery to me as well. Stay tuned and we all will see..
But one word for all emotional freeloaders out there... Keep checking on me... Loving that I can give you something to talk about. . But am sad, that I am here only for your entertainment.... No wahalaaaaaa Queen( zzzz)
Saturday, July 9, 2016
:) Midnight musings...
Some time has passed since my last post. Life just got on a way. Traveling, thinking, friends, relationship. Everything got on a way. To much to think and sort through.
So here I am. Now I am in Estonia. Past 7 months have been pretty intense. California, China, California again, then China again, then Nigeria, and now in Estonia. In a month I will be back in China, packing my belongings, and heading out of there permanently. I just can't be there anymore. I wasted enough time there, just letting valuable time tick away slowly. But this move will come with a price.
I am moving away from China alone. Leaving my son behind. He will be in great hands- living with his father and his 2 young siblings, but my heart is still bleeding. I already got tons of shit from people- like- how can i do such horrible thing, and your son always needs his mother. I am not intending to die, or abandon him. I am just moving back to usa. Yes, it is away from him, but sometimes one has to sacrifice something. Only those who have been in my shoes will understand what I am going through - to others.... Don't judge.... You have no idea.. Of if you want social experiment - go for it and do it.......
I feel useless in China. I can't work anymore- due to very strict police check ups. Imagine cops knocking at your door once in a while and asking for your passport, paperwork, permits and asking tons of questions why, how, how long and so on. It kind of starting to feel like prison. I am so done.
And in my relationship- I am taking a break. I know what I want. Problem with relationship these days is- people just are full of shit, and can pretend only for a second or 2 before all the talk becomes pointless. People pretend and say things that know will work for their advantage, and when they get what they want, they finally relax and forget about all the words said. And for me- if you tell me something- you better deliver it rest of your life. Don't take 100 steps back and hope that I let it slide. NO , f'ing way. I will get on your case and rape the shit out of your bullshit. So if you want to be with me, you better deliver.
I am at this point in my life- I don't care about tons of things- but I care about respect and honesty. I look for someone who can to listen to me and wants to know more about me. Not only those aspects that will interest him, but all the aspects of me. What makes me laugh, what makes me cry, what is my favorite song, perfume, food, sleeping position, drink. How Do I like my coffee, and not constantly ask-- you sure you don't want milk in it? I wan't someone too see beyond imperfections in me. I am not 20 something.... I am almost 40 and have my whole past written in my face. I carry tons of rocks from my past with me, and I wish someone one day will lend that helping hand and help me unpack. Instead adding more rocks into my hot pink imaginary backpack..... I want someone who is empathetic and caring... not only in words, but also in actions....
Maybe I am chasing an Unicorn who is shooting rainbows out of its ass. I really don't fucking know . Thought people get smarter with age, but seems like at this time and age, everybody is slowly dying. Everybody is so full of themselves, that it makes them hard to see that world needs more love than selfish crap. But who I am to say anything... I sound selfish to now- wanting that perfect once who was stranger to me to become what he said he'd be.... Maybe it is me who needs to grow up and just suck it in and stop expecting miracles..... After all I am the Miracle .....
Been divorced since 2013 ... And have been walking away every single relationship since then .. my standards are way to high.... But ain't gonna settle for less.
And it's not gonna dim my light. Show must go on. Life must continue and heart to will be mended again.
Till then- I just keep smiling at people who got it... WATER IT.....
Lots of love from my heart to yours... xo
So here I am. Now I am in Estonia. Past 7 months have been pretty intense. California, China, California again, then China again, then Nigeria, and now in Estonia. In a month I will be back in China, packing my belongings, and heading out of there permanently. I just can't be there anymore. I wasted enough time there, just letting valuable time tick away slowly. But this move will come with a price.
I am moving away from China alone. Leaving my son behind. He will be in great hands- living with his father and his 2 young siblings, but my heart is still bleeding. I already got tons of shit from people- like- how can i do such horrible thing, and your son always needs his mother. I am not intending to die, or abandon him. I am just moving back to usa. Yes, it is away from him, but sometimes one has to sacrifice something. Only those who have been in my shoes will understand what I am going through - to others.... Don't judge.... You have no idea.. Of if you want social experiment - go for it and do it.......
I feel useless in China. I can't work anymore- due to very strict police check ups. Imagine cops knocking at your door once in a while and asking for your passport, paperwork, permits and asking tons of questions why, how, how long and so on. It kind of starting to feel like prison. I am so done.
And in my relationship- I am taking a break. I know what I want. Problem with relationship these days is- people just are full of shit, and can pretend only for a second or 2 before all the talk becomes pointless. People pretend and say things that know will work for their advantage, and when they get what they want, they finally relax and forget about all the words said. And for me- if you tell me something- you better deliver it rest of your life. Don't take 100 steps back and hope that I let it slide. NO , f'ing way. I will get on your case and rape the shit out of your bullshit. So if you want to be with me, you better deliver.
I am at this point in my life- I don't care about tons of things- but I care about respect and honesty. I look for someone who can to listen to me and wants to know more about me. Not only those aspects that will interest him, but all the aspects of me. What makes me laugh, what makes me cry, what is my favorite song, perfume, food, sleeping position, drink. How Do I like my coffee, and not constantly ask-- you sure you don't want milk in it? I wan't someone too see beyond imperfections in me. I am not 20 something.... I am almost 40 and have my whole past written in my face. I carry tons of rocks from my past with me, and I wish someone one day will lend that helping hand and help me unpack. Instead adding more rocks into my hot pink imaginary backpack..... I want someone who is empathetic and caring... not only in words, but also in actions....
Maybe I am chasing an Unicorn who is shooting rainbows out of its ass. I really don't fucking know . Thought people get smarter with age, but seems like at this time and age, everybody is slowly dying. Everybody is so full of themselves, that it makes them hard to see that world needs more love than selfish crap. But who I am to say anything... I sound selfish to now- wanting that perfect once who was stranger to me to become what he said he'd be.... Maybe it is me who needs to grow up and just suck it in and stop expecting miracles..... After all I am the Miracle .....
Been divorced since 2013 ... And have been walking away every single relationship since then .. my standards are way to high.... But ain't gonna settle for less.
And it's not gonna dim my light. Show must go on. Life must continue and heart to will be mended again.
Till then- I just keep smiling at people who got it... WATER IT.....
Lots of love from my heart to yours... xo
Saturday, May 28, 2016
Happy Birthday Love.....
My Love.....
Past few months have been nothing but extraordinary.
Brief Online chatting has turned into intensive whole wide world love affair, and only person I can thank for that is you. We both are partners in crime, but without you we would not be where we are at this stage in life
I remember our first encounter. I knew nothing about you, but I knew you will be my person sooner or later. I knew that those lips of yours will be mine to kiss and eyes of yours to stare into to will be there for ever for me to stare into....... And I am so happy- 5 months later forever is still on.
There ain't marshmallows without crumbling graham crackers and no rainbows without rain and smiling sun....
But once rain passes, we see the rainbows and butterflies and sunshine once again and concentrate to what is worth and what is not worth holding onto...
You are my everything.
You are my happy place
You are what everybody is searching for, but only few find. And in you I found peace. And I want to keep it ...
Our adventures so far... From CHina to California.... . for you from California to CHina... Then again, from CALI to China for you, and for me from CHINA to different CHINESE city... and now.. our latest destination.. From China to Lagos..... I feel sad this leg is coming to an end... but In couple of months few more amazing adventures are awaiting us....
There is so much more to come for us, but one thing I know for sure is- You have changed everything I know about love... You have made me believe in magic i thought did not exist.... Keep believing, and never give up .... Best is yet to come .. and it is because you are here next to me .. My love, my everything.....
Words can't describe , what i feel for you... SOmetimes silence is better.......
Forever yours... Lady D.
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
I miss China, I miss usa, I miss Estonia... I miss freedom to do what I wanna do..when I wanna do.. But I am content.
I can not address enough how amazing Nigeria , Lagos and its surrounding areas actually are. It is different kind of beauty, and not everybody will survive here. It takes a strong person to adjust in here, and I have adjusted.. I would not mind living here for long term. I tell you honestly, I have no fear. I feel like, I have been here for a long time, and I still don't have enough experiences to actually tell you I HAVE BEEN TO NIGERIA. I feel flat at times, because, I know there are adventures awaiting for me, but because my amazing boyfriend, I am taking a huge step back and listen to him. I don't want to put my life in harms way in any damn way, so I decide to stay indoors, or walk to work, or drive around with our driver.
I am not complaining, but adventurer in me- is not satisfied...
BUT on a great note.. We have made amazing friends here. We have experienced Nigeria the way we did not expect. We went to parties we just went WOW, but it is overdone...
I miss good western food.. I tell you honestly..People in CHINA should be happy.... Western restaurants there are amazing compared to Lagos area... I aint lying..
Also, every time we go out K gets little stressed.. And I understand why. People get kidnapped, car jacked, robbed, whatever all the time. ANd we have been lucky... And I hope we will stay lucky for days to come.
AND NOW.... 10 more days here... 10 more days and I will be Back in mhm.. and he will be back in mhmh...
I already miss him... I already feel like I want to cut my trip to mhm short,and fly to where he is...
But one thing I know.. I will be back in Nigeria... YOu have to come here to see this country. eat food, attend parties, see how poor live how rich live and make up your own mind about WHY PEOPLE HERE ARE THE WAY THEY ARE....
If I was Nigerian...
i'd do what they do..
Life ain't easy here... Everybody tries to hustle... THose who have get more, and those who don't loose what they have... SO never stop trying and dreaming...
Keep pushing...
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