Saturday, July 30, 2016

I'm #scared

I can keep a cool face for a very long time. By long I don't mean couple of weeks or months.. By cool I mean for years. By cool I mean looking straight at you laughing at your jokes , but inside everything is burning . Burning so hard that feels like nothing can distinguish that burning fire.  But I keep pushing and pushing and pushing. .. and pushing even more till I drop for few days. ANd when I drop I drop. Unable to move, unable to communicate, unable to smile , unable to look anybody into their eyes. Unable to even button up my shirt.  I just lay there.. Unable to move, unable to face the world, unable to push myself. And I know that will not last forever. I know, with little self talk I will be back on track before anybody notices what has happened.

 I can cry and pray and scream for a long time. And I do that. On my own. Till one day comes someone into  my life who is not pretending to have same demons as mine.   But for for real "it" will introduce "the" demons to me me and  our demons will have an party.

Life is as hard as you make it. But I don't think I made my life hard. I think My life has been pretty balanced.  Of course I have given more than I have bargained for, but  one thing for sure is. It is something I  have been able to handle-sometimes great, sometimes not so well. But I have been handling it best for what fits my situation....

One of the thoughts that came to me few days ago was...  it might sound insane to you, but perfectly  makes sense. When it comes to my personal life  it has been most amazing fucked up rollercoaster.  Those who have stuck to me, know what I am talking about . But one thing has been consistent.  Financial stability.   I am comfortable. I am not rich, I am not wealthy-I am comfortable. And that made me think... God has been fair with me.  I have had the best and the worst of the both words.  Been there , done that.  And for some reason, it still keeps me blessing with everything.

I don't question why. Because I think, you have to agree to accept everything that comes to your way  ( well, to bitch about  you have your girlfriends( in my case ) or your  brothas'. But you have to keep your cool .

Actually,  I have been scattering all over the place... hoping you all going to take off and  leave me alone. But I feel it is not the case. Most of you want to see me fail or have miserable time.... THe fact is. I DO NOT.  I have my weak moments, but I rise  and i shine, and I sparkle, and i whoot whoot- meaning . I do whatever the fcuck i want ;)....   Just like you all out there checking on  me once in a while- living your own life and doing your thing :)  Do it, and stick to it.....

 After almost 7 years of "Chi chi' Land, i am out of there.  Thats right. THis peace of platinum, says " SAYONARA"  hdskfwjoeij and Hi again Sunshine state California :) I am doing it on my own  . It is fucking scary, but I am doing it.  Have to be back home . Happy and lively and not feel like I live in a jailhouse.  

Please be patient.... I am almost out of " under the construction" sigh.   Couple of more months and  - Terviseks for brand new pages in my life... Alone or someone next to me - thats still a mystery to me as well.   Stay tuned and we all will see..

But one word for  all emotional freeloaders out there...  Keep   checking on me...  Loving  that I can give you something to talk about.   .       But am sad, that I am here only for your entertainment....  No wahalaaaaaa Queen( zzzz)

No comments:

Post a Comment