Saturday, July 30, 2016

I'm #scared

I can keep a cool face for a very long time. By long I don't mean couple of weeks or months.. By cool I mean for years. By cool I mean looking straight at you laughing at your jokes , but inside everything is burning . Burning so hard that feels like nothing can distinguish that burning fire.  But I keep pushing and pushing and pushing. .. and pushing even more till I drop for few days. ANd when I drop I drop. Unable to move, unable to communicate, unable to smile , unable to look anybody into their eyes. Unable to even button up my shirt.  I just lay there.. Unable to move, unable to face the world, unable to push myself. And I know that will not last forever. I know, with little self talk I will be back on track before anybody notices what has happened.

 I can cry and pray and scream for a long time. And I do that. On my own. Till one day comes someone into  my life who is not pretending to have same demons as mine.   But for for real "it" will introduce "the" demons to me me and  our demons will have an party.

Life is as hard as you make it. But I don't think I made my life hard. I think My life has been pretty balanced.  Of course I have given more than I have bargained for, but  one thing for sure is. It is something I  have been able to handle-sometimes great, sometimes not so well. But I have been handling it best for what fits my situation....

One of the thoughts that came to me few days ago was...  it might sound insane to you, but perfectly  makes sense. When it comes to my personal life  it has been most amazing fucked up rollercoaster.  Those who have stuck to me, know what I am talking about . But one thing has been consistent.  Financial stability.   I am comfortable. I am not rich, I am not wealthy-I am comfortable. And that made me think... God has been fair with me.  I have had the best and the worst of the both words.  Been there , done that.  And for some reason, it still keeps me blessing with everything.

I don't question why. Because I think, you have to agree to accept everything that comes to your way  ( well, to bitch about  you have your girlfriends( in my case ) or your  brothas'. But you have to keep your cool .

Actually,  I have been scattering all over the place... hoping you all going to take off and  leave me alone. But I feel it is not the case. Most of you want to see me fail or have miserable time.... THe fact is. I DO NOT.  I have my weak moments, but I rise  and i shine, and I sparkle, and i whoot whoot- meaning . I do whatever the fcuck i want ;)....   Just like you all out there checking on  me once in a while- living your own life and doing your thing :)  Do it, and stick to it.....

 After almost 7 years of "Chi chi' Land, i am out of there.  Thats right. THis peace of platinum, says " SAYONARA"  hdskfwjoeij and Hi again Sunshine state California :) I am doing it on my own  . It is fucking scary, but I am doing it.  Have to be back home . Happy and lively and not feel like I live in a jailhouse.  

Please be patient.... I am almost out of " under the construction" sigh.   Couple of more months and  - Terviseks for brand new pages in my life... Alone or someone next to me - thats still a mystery to me as well.   Stay tuned and we all will see..

But one word for  all emotional freeloaders out there...  Keep   checking on me...  Loving  that I can give you something to talk about.   .       But am sad, that I am here only for your entertainment....  No wahalaaaaaa Queen( zzzz)

Saturday, July 9, 2016

:) Midnight musings...

Some time has passed since my last post. Life just got on a way.  Traveling, thinking, friends, relationship. Everything got on a way.  To much to think and sort through.

So here I am. Now I am in Estonia. Past 7 months have been pretty intense. California, China, California again, then China again, then Nigeria, and now in Estonia.  In a month I will be back in China, packing my belongings, and heading out of there permanently. I just can't be there anymore.  I wasted enough time there, just letting valuable time tick away slowly. But this move will come with a price.

I am moving away from China alone. Leaving my son behind.  He will be in great hands- living with his father and his 2 young siblings, but my heart is still bleeding. I already got tons of  shit from people- like- how can i do such horrible thing, and your son always needs his mother. I am not intending to die, or abandon him.  I am just moving back to usa. Yes, it is away from him, but sometimes one has to sacrifice something. Only those who have been in my shoes will understand what I am going through - to others....  Don't judge....  You have no idea.. Of if you want social experiment - go for it and do it.......

  I feel useless in China. I can't work anymore- due to very strict  police check ups.  Imagine cops knocking at your door once in a while and asking for your passport, paperwork,  permits  and asking tons of questions why, how, how long and so on. It kind of starting to feel like prison.   I am so done.

And in my relationship- I am taking a break. I know what I want. Problem with relationship these days is- people just are full of shit, and can pretend only for a second or 2 before all the talk becomes pointless. People pretend and say things that know will work for their advantage, and when they  get what they want, they finally relax and forget about all the words said.  And for me- if you tell me something- you better deliver it rest of your life.  Don't take 100 steps back and hope that  I let it slide. NO , f'ing way.   I will get on your case  and  rape the shit out of your bullshit.  So if you want to be with me, you better deliver.  
I am at this point in my life- I don't care about  tons of things- but I care about respect and honesty. I look for someone who can to listen to me and wants to know more about me. Not  only those aspects that will  interest him, but all the aspects of me. What makes me laugh, what makes me cry, what is my favorite song, perfume, food,  sleeping position, drink.  How Do I like my coffee, and not constantly ask-- you sure you don't want milk in it?  I wan't someone too see beyond imperfections in me.   I am not 20 something.... I am almost 40 and have my whole past written in my face.    I carry tons of rocks from my past with me, and  I wish someone one day will lend that helping hand and help me unpack.  Instead adding more rocks into my  hot pink imaginary backpack.....  I want someone who is empathetic and caring... not only in words, but also in actions....

Maybe I am chasing an Unicorn who is shooting rainbows out of its ass.  I really don't fucking know .  Thought people get smarter with age, but seems like at this time and age, everybody is slowly dying. Everybody is so full of themselves, that it makes them hard to see that world needs more love than selfish  crap.  But who I am to say anything... I sound selfish to now- wanting that perfect  once  who was stranger to me to become what he said he'd be....  Maybe it is me who needs to grow up and just suck it in and stop expecting miracles.....   After all I am the Miracle .....

Been divorced since 2013 ... And have been walking away every single relationship since then ..  my standards are way to high.... But ain't gonna settle for less.  

And it's not gonna dim my light.  Show must go on. Life must continue and heart to will be mended again.

Till then- I just keep smiling at people who got it...  WATER IT.....

Lots of love from my heart to yours... xo