I do not know who are my blog readers . I know about 15 people who religiously tell me they have "checked " it out and love it... An I can see country map , where readers come from, and browsers they r using... BTW.. I had no idea that my blog would pop up on some porn websites.. That was just weird.. But the other day, when I was checking traffic flow into DO NOT MESS WITH DIANA... lol- 2 of sites were pretty hardcore porn sites... NO IDEA HOW that happened...
I Do watch porn myself, so... I don't know... mhm
Well, now.. It is 30th of December here In So Cal. I am in my apartment, My christmas tree is all lit in blue and white lights. I did take all ornaments away and put them to storage... No need for them right now. And I am happy.
This past year has been amazing adventure. Last year this time I was Cat sitting my best friends cat In Woodland hills, and was thinking to myself. I WILL BE BaCK living here next year, same time... And I am back. And I am not gonna move my nice out of here.. My home , my territory.....
So all in all.. I had to give up a lot to gain LOTTER something.. I cried my eyes out night in and night out. But in the end of the day.. Do the fuck something D. I got here. and Now I am moving on to do better things... MUCH BETTER.... 2016 was damn good year, like every year before that..
Self growth, adventures, laughter, new interesting people, travels, everything.........
AND NOW... again... as this year is coming to an end.. I have pretty damn amazing and smart, and handsome and sophisticated and SMART( I did say that again) person in my life. He brings calmness and balance to my being... Balance I have been searching forever and I did not even know it existed.... I am so grateful He did not give up on me and kept coming back to me to claim what is his.... I'm always nervous when Im around him....... And I love it...
AND.... All of you , who are still not tired of me, and stuck by me all these years... I LOOOOOVE YOU... rrrrr.... That is all I want to do rest of my life.. Just Love... Just love, and laugh, and be silly, and sexy and smart and everything i could be that is in my power....
YOU too.. Be it....live it...
...
Friday, December 30, 2016
Thursday, December 29, 2016
30 days...
in 2 days. I will opt to 100% sober living for a month... on my own... Not a glass of wine, not a shot of tequila.. Not even a vodka drink with soda water ....
For a month.... I need it. and I can do it...
For a month.... I need it. and I can do it...
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
About me...
I had no plans to write tonight. I had no plans to open myself even a little today. I have felt overwhelming sadness today ....... I cried my out, I spoke to myself. And I pulled myself together........
But I spoke to someone special today, and before I was about to head to bed. Actually few times through out my today. This person I spoke to- Brings calmness to my life. It feels like noting but me, him and things that matter to me and him exist... It is so simple . And I love simple. But my life is nothing but simple. It has been complicated chain of events since from the moment I was born..
How would Girl-excuse me---- WOMAN NOW- who was born in Estonia, end up in USA at age 38 single.... That is what I get asked every day I go out to order a coffee, or tee, or eat....
And I love that people are curious, I LOVE QUESTIONS. I LOVE telling them short version of my life story... Which is as follows:"I was born in Estonia, when I was 19 I met someone, fell in love, got engaged 2 months later, moved to NJ, Had one kid, then moved to California , had second baby, and after I lost my daughter - Daddy's girl , our sunshine, our everything o multiple brain tumors after we all fought hard for 6 years- life took me and my son to China... But we all know, what is BROKEN IN USA, you can't fix it in China... So now I am back in California, my home and I am ready to stay :)......"
Yes this is the short version....If you want to hear long one , call me or message me, make coffee or wine time with me, and be ready for tons of tears... But never , ever even try to judge me. My heart is made of steel... It could crack, but it has ability to fix itself the ways, I thought it is not possible, and still see good in everybody...
Right now at this moment, I am in my apartment. Staring at the ceiling while I am typing. AND this light fixture trio is installed crooked. And you know what It does not bother me. it still gives light the same way as it would have been installed completely straight. And that is how proud I am of myself.... I do not let meaningless small things bother me anymore.. They used to... TRUST me, they bugged the fucking shitstorm out of me. I was annoying as fuck. But it was because I was unhappy. I was lonely, and most of all..... I did not understand myself and love myself the way I was supposed to. At least now at age 38 I am finally getting there... Journey is still not over... but I'm on my way...
OH.. btw.. haha.. One things I want people to understand... My SEXY accent is not reflection of me. It is not my personality. You should not trust me more because of my accent. .... I am person first, and luckily, I got a chance to travel the world and learn languages... And because I roll my RRRRSSS.., and say my v and w's weird..... does not mean, I am easy target.....
Get to know me and see beyond my accent... BUT I DO KNOW, couple of you who read this blog, read it with MY ACCENT... YOu know who you are, you told me so :D
I want to wish you all lots of LOVE . Live a little.. Take that one chance you always wanted to... and don't regret anything .......... Just love... and love returns...
From my little home to yours- Hug your loved ones today, tell them you see them and you care for them, and you love them...... ..... Tomorrow is not granted...... Now is the moment....
But I spoke to someone special today, and before I was about to head to bed. Actually few times through out my today. This person I spoke to- Brings calmness to my life. It feels like noting but me, him and things that matter to me and him exist... It is so simple . And I love simple. But my life is nothing but simple. It has been complicated chain of events since from the moment I was born..
How would Girl-excuse me---- WOMAN NOW- who was born in Estonia, end up in USA at age 38 single.... That is what I get asked every day I go out to order a coffee, or tee, or eat....
And I love that people are curious, I LOVE QUESTIONS. I LOVE telling them short version of my life story... Which is as follows:"I was born in Estonia, when I was 19 I met someone, fell in love, got engaged 2 months later, moved to NJ, Had one kid, then moved to California , had second baby, and after I lost my daughter - Daddy's girl , our sunshine, our everything o multiple brain tumors after we all fought hard for 6 years- life took me and my son to China... But we all know, what is BROKEN IN USA, you can't fix it in China... So now I am back in California, my home and I am ready to stay :)......"
Yes this is the short version....If you want to hear long one , call me or message me, make coffee or wine time with me, and be ready for tons of tears... But never , ever even try to judge me. My heart is made of steel... It could crack, but it has ability to fix itself the ways, I thought it is not possible, and still see good in everybody...
Right now at this moment, I am in my apartment. Staring at the ceiling while I am typing. AND this light fixture trio is installed crooked. And you know what It does not bother me. it still gives light the same way as it would have been installed completely straight. And that is how proud I am of myself.... I do not let meaningless small things bother me anymore.. They used to... TRUST me, they bugged the fucking shitstorm out of me. I was annoying as fuck. But it was because I was unhappy. I was lonely, and most of all..... I did not understand myself and love myself the way I was supposed to. At least now at age 38 I am finally getting there... Journey is still not over... but I'm on my way...
OH.. btw.. haha.. One things I want people to understand... My SEXY accent is not reflection of me. It is not my personality. You should not trust me more because of my accent. .... I am person first, and luckily, I got a chance to travel the world and learn languages... And because I roll my RRRRSSS.., and say my v and w's weird..... does not mean, I am easy target.....
Get to know me and see beyond my accent... BUT I DO KNOW, couple of you who read this blog, read it with MY ACCENT... YOu know who you are, you told me so :D
I want to wish you all lots of LOVE . Live a little.. Take that one chance you always wanted to... and don't regret anything .......... Just love... and love returns...
From my little home to yours- Hug your loved ones today, tell them you see them and you care for them, and you love them...... ..... Tomorrow is not granted...... Now is the moment....
Monday, December 26, 2016
Pair of boots...
I know, I am going to sound silly now... But what came to my mind yesterday kind of made sense...
I am one of those people who would wear piece of clothing till it was so worn out that even less privileged would refuse to accept it from me.. AND same is with shoes and boots.. I'd wear them till there is nothing left to wear....
And 2 days ago I bought pair of boots that just called my name... I refused them couple of times, before I tried them on. I did not even know their price, but they looked expensive.... Shiny, clean, simple, different.. Just the way I like my things. "ME"
And I finally tried them on, and I did not want to take them off. They felt sooo good on my feet . It was amazing. Even to that point I still did not know the price. And first thing I usually do when something fits right is I check price..... But I did not...
I was standing in line and I could not contain my excitement , so I grabbed one boot, looked under it.. And i laughed out loud.... I am not kidding. Price was only 49 dollars.... I expected to be at least 150 dollars.
These boots are the boots I would love to fall asleep in. wake up in, wear them till there is nothing left to wear. And if there is nothing left to wear, I would find a way to repair them.... I would never want them to leave me...
And in a way that is how my life has been as well... I try to fix whatever does not work....-- It takes time, it hurts, I don't take advice very easily- I like to have my own experiences..... But this pair of boots... just made me realize something important for me.... Take chances.... And please believe in your chances Diana.... Just Live and love and trust the process. DOn't try to rush it....
Yes, I know it is silly. But there is someone out there who would give anything for pair of boots... And one day, I would love to be the one on the streets to hand out boots to people who need them... NOT HIGH heals...lol.. But something that would keep their feet warm... SOmething that would give them strength to think outside of "skid row"....
I am one of those people who would wear piece of clothing till it was so worn out that even less privileged would refuse to accept it from me.. AND same is with shoes and boots.. I'd wear them till there is nothing left to wear....
And 2 days ago I bought pair of boots that just called my name... I refused them couple of times, before I tried them on. I did not even know their price, but they looked expensive.... Shiny, clean, simple, different.. Just the way I like my things. "ME"
And I finally tried them on, and I did not want to take them off. They felt sooo good on my feet . It was amazing. Even to that point I still did not know the price. And first thing I usually do when something fits right is I check price..... But I did not...
I was standing in line and I could not contain my excitement , so I grabbed one boot, looked under it.. And i laughed out loud.... I am not kidding. Price was only 49 dollars.... I expected to be at least 150 dollars.
These boots are the boots I would love to fall asleep in. wake up in, wear them till there is nothing left to wear. And if there is nothing left to wear, I would find a way to repair them.... I would never want them to leave me...
And in a way that is how my life has been as well... I try to fix whatever does not work....-- It takes time, it hurts, I don't take advice very easily- I like to have my own experiences..... But this pair of boots... just made me realize something important for me.... Take chances.... And please believe in your chances Diana.... Just Live and love and trust the process. DOn't try to rush it....
Yes, I know it is silly. But there is someone out there who would give anything for pair of boots... And one day, I would love to be the one on the streets to hand out boots to people who need them... NOT HIGH heals...lol.. But something that would keep their feet warm... SOmething that would give them strength to think outside of "skid row"....
Sunday, December 25, 2016
Live a little....
But who am I to tell you how to live?
Who am I to inspire your core?
Who am I to look up to me?
Please tell me.....
What do you need from me? WHat do you think I am lacking in life?
What do you think I should do?
Who Do you think I am to you?
Email me please..
dianatan78@gmail.com let me know who you are....
Who am I to inspire your core?
Who am I to look up to me?
Please tell me.....
What do you need from me? WHat do you think I am lacking in life?
What do you think I should do?
Who Do you think I am to you?
Email me please..
dianatan78@gmail.com let me know who you are....
Thursday, December 22, 2016
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to my Friends all around the world... Haid pyhi teile koigile, kus iganes te ka poleks, ja kui te loete seda postitust hetkel, siis teadke, te olete olnud mul motetes .
I would write this blog even if I had no readers. It is just something for me, and I am so glad, so many of you turn to me - out of curiosity , or you just care for me.. .or you just randomly found a way to this blog that is all me.. No restrictions. No lies. ...Just me and my silly little honest world.
Not many of you know but, past couple of years I have been working of becoming better Christian. It has not been an easy road. Coming from Estonia where Paganism rules, and people believe in many Gods. I did too. Myself I do believe I am Goddess. I Have always believed so. From the moment I remember myself, I remember I was different in so many ways, and I was always misunderstood. And I Responded to it with tears. I cried my eyes out ... Till I found myself...
Fast forward to now. Do you know how powerful is to live the life that is yours? You don't have to answer to nobody. You open your apartment doors, and you walk into your world. Your peace. Your kindness. YOur power, your love, your everything.. But it is all temporary.
One day. I want someone to walk to my door and say.... ," This is where I belong.".
One day Everything will be the way God has panned life out for me. Till then I am just pinning it all together. With a smile on my face. And a pep in my step. And with Magic I so crave to give someone fully one day..
I Do have certain someone in mind. But it is all up to him.. Hopefully , there will be no evil "stepsisters" who going to just step in and push me aside... If That happens. I will rise from ashes, and beautiful thunderstorm will take place ... . And I just stand in the rain once again.....
Holidays... They make one emotional. They make one beautiful. They make one aware and strong... Why not be like that all year long... Be your best self ALL YEAR LONG... Be amazing not only for a month.. bot for a lifetime....
xxo
Love to you all. Don't forget to subscribe to my updates....
I would write this blog even if I had no readers. It is just something for me, and I am so glad, so many of you turn to me - out of curiosity , or you just care for me.. .or you just randomly found a way to this blog that is all me.. No restrictions. No lies. ...Just me and my silly little honest world.
Not many of you know but, past couple of years I have been working of becoming better Christian. It has not been an easy road. Coming from Estonia where Paganism rules, and people believe in many Gods. I did too. Myself I do believe I am Goddess. I Have always believed so. From the moment I remember myself, I remember I was different in so many ways, and I was always misunderstood. And I Responded to it with tears. I cried my eyes out ... Till I found myself...
Fast forward to now. Do you know how powerful is to live the life that is yours? You don't have to answer to nobody. You open your apartment doors, and you walk into your world. Your peace. Your kindness. YOur power, your love, your everything.. But it is all temporary.
One day. I want someone to walk to my door and say.... ," This is where I belong.".
One day Everything will be the way God has panned life out for me. Till then I am just pinning it all together. With a smile on my face. And a pep in my step. And with Magic I so crave to give someone fully one day..
I Do have certain someone in mind. But it is all up to him.. Hopefully , there will be no evil "stepsisters" who going to just step in and push me aside... If That happens. I will rise from ashes, and beautiful thunderstorm will take place ... . And I just stand in the rain once again.....
Holidays... They make one emotional. They make one beautiful. They make one aware and strong... Why not be like that all year long... Be your best self ALL YEAR LONG... Be amazing not only for a month.. bot for a lifetime....
xxo
Love to you all. Don't forget to subscribe to my updates....
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
I am trying to deal best with my current situation. But at times I feel like failing.
I have THE best son ever who lives with his father in Asia. And it was not easiest decision for me to take a step away from there and move back where I moved. But It was right decision.
I miss my son day to day bases. And it is ok. He is doing great. And He will be great.
I pray for him daily.
Timothy 1:7
Father, I ask you to help my children realize that You have not given them a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. In Jesus’ Name.
AMEN
I have THE best son ever who lives with his father in Asia. And it was not easiest decision for me to take a step away from there and move back where I moved. But It was right decision.
I miss my son day to day bases. And it is ok. He is doing great. And He will be great.
I pray for him daily.
Timothy 1:7
Father, I ask you to help my children realize that You have not given them a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. In Jesus’ Name.
AMEN
Sunday, December 18, 2016
Never give up.
I don't want to fall in love... Not yet.. Not today..
I don't want to loose my mind, not yet.. not today..
I don't want to feel vulnerable -- Not today....
But I am getting there. I am ready to let love in again. I am ready to look someone into their eyes again and love what those other eyes tell me, see what those eyes feed me, love what those eyes stand for... ... And I am getting close to letting love in...
It feels freeing . It feels powerful, it feels exactly how I want it to feel. It feels scary, but there was this saying I read long time ago from somewhere , " If it does not scare you, it does not challenge you.".... Let me tell you something... I am scared, I feel challenged, I feel powerless, I feel intrigued, and I feel at peace and this is exactly where I want to be... I want to be here and present and at peace with me....
Yes, of course I have my questions, but every question ever asked will get an answer, sooner or later. There is not rush anymore in my life. I don't want anymore - "RIGHT NOW".. It makes no longer sense. AT THIS point in my life ........-----I want forever.... and for "FOREVER", I am ready to fight for . I am ready to take a step back and live and learn and observe. Forever promises to be beautiful. Just just like I am, just like he is... just like out lives are... beautiful....
to feel and to be felt, to love and to be loved, to see and to be seen.... cherish these moments,, remember them, and never forget them........ xoxo
I don't want to loose my mind, not yet.. not today..
I don't want to feel vulnerable -- Not today....
But I am getting there. I am ready to let love in again. I am ready to look someone into their eyes again and love what those other eyes tell me, see what those eyes feed me, love what those eyes stand for... ... And I am getting close to letting love in...
It feels freeing . It feels powerful, it feels exactly how I want it to feel. It feels scary, but there was this saying I read long time ago from somewhere , " If it does not scare you, it does not challenge you.".... Let me tell you something... I am scared, I feel challenged, I feel powerless, I feel intrigued, and I feel at peace and this is exactly where I want to be... I want to be here and present and at peace with me....
Yes, of course I have my questions, but every question ever asked will get an answer, sooner or later. There is not rush anymore in my life. I don't want anymore - "RIGHT NOW".. It makes no longer sense. AT THIS point in my life ........-----I want forever.... and for "FOREVER", I am ready to fight for . I am ready to take a step back and live and learn and observe. Forever promises to be beautiful. Just just like I am, just like he is... just like out lives are... beautiful....
to feel and to be felt, to love and to be loved, to see and to be seen.... cherish these moments,, remember them, and never forget them........ xoxo
Friday, December 16, 2016
HOLIDAYS
HOLIDAYS ARE ROUGH...ROUGH TO MY CORE... Rough to the point - I can not breathe. Rough- till I can't see straight. Rough from tip of my head to my toes... This is all rough..
But it is not what I am concentrating on. We all are born to deal with difficulties in life. We all are given different paths. And we all think our paths are rough... So, I am empathetic to all of my friends journeys in life.... But my story is not about my friends , it is about me.
And now, I am bleeding inside out. I WeChat'ed my son G. today. From the first moment I heard his voice, I knew he has changed.. He hates talking on phone, so I never call him. But Last night I had dream about him, and I had to call him. And he answered. :) And when I heard his voice I realized, he is not a boy anymore. The way he spoke to me, the way his voice sounded.. And everything else.. 4 months ago he was different person that he is now.... And I am so happy , that he is growing up. He has no fucking idea what is waiting for him in few years, but he will figure it out soon...
I am sure, If I was still in china, I would not see these changes as drastic as they seem because I was in his life, day in and say out, but being away, but still active, it is different...
It is not easy.. But I am actively dealing with it.. I am just happy he is amazing human being at this point.... :)
xoxoxo
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
Be you....
Beautiful things start to happen when you allow them to happen. I know this, because I have been stuck few times.. Stuck in friendships, stuck in relationships, stuck about who I am, and stuck about what the fuck am I supposed to do....... NOW, fast forward.. now Myself - I think I am Goddess. I definitely am. I have thought so for a very long time. But mellow me, always kind suppressed those thoughts and feelings, because myself I dislike overly confident females...-- Actually i don't like them... SO I have figured out how to stay likeable and same time confident, and funny and stay true to myself.. It has been a very long journey, but it is not over yet...
every day when I wake up, I ask myself, What can I do to make this day count... SOme days I just chill, other days I ran out and babysit as much as I can. and those off days-- I just write down what I want for myself soon.... And what I want for myself is beyond beautiful.. it is so beautiful when I think about it it brings warmth to my heart and tears into my eyes... it is beauty i can definitely achieve in my life sooner or later... it is reachable, and touchable...:)
every day when I wake up, I ask myself, What can I do to make this day count... SOme days I just chill, other days I ran out and babysit as much as I can. and those off days-- I just write down what I want for myself soon.... And what I want for myself is beyond beautiful.. it is so beautiful when I think about it it brings warmth to my heart and tears into my eyes... it is beauty i can definitely achieve in my life sooner or later... it is reachable, and touchable...:)
Sunday, December 11, 2016
thoughts..
I read something interesting today... second time it actually registered to me....
I try to translate it from Estonian language as accurately as possible... its from book called- jalutuskaigud sisekosmoses by Kaido Pajumaa
" Where does our inner peace actually resides?
It right here, right now. At this moment, it resides here by the sea. It is in our head. Deep in our souls, deep inside us. We only find peace from one source- We find peace from bravery to give up... it is not easy... It feels like whole world is collapsing. .. Yes, it is the worst feeling in universe, but luckily nothing collapses.. World does not collapse. World will be here for us even if we just take a step back and relax. And world will be here and present for us , when we all arrive and get jiggy with it again..... "
Peace.....
I try to translate it from Estonian language as accurately as possible... its from book called- jalutuskaigud sisekosmoses by Kaido Pajumaa
" Where does our inner peace actually resides?
It right here, right now. At this moment, it resides here by the sea. It is in our head. Deep in our souls, deep inside us. We only find peace from one source- We find peace from bravery to give up... it is not easy... It feels like whole world is collapsing. .. Yes, it is the worst feeling in universe, but luckily nothing collapses.. World does not collapse. World will be here for us even if we just take a step back and relax. And world will be here and present for us , when we all arrive and get jiggy with it again..... "
Peace.....
Saturday, December 10, 2016
Silence - create your own serene habitat......
In my life I have been happy, angry, desperate, angry once more, frustrated, more angry... Till I realized I have to break that cycle. Once in a while frustrations kick in, anger resurfaces, and I ask myself question WHY DID I allow myself to stoop to that level again. I am better than that... I'm smarter that, I am stonger than that... But once in a while, life tests you, and puts you in the same room with people to test your maturity... I am pretty impressed now, that I am actually just walking away from all Bs that has nothing to do with me, or if someone wants to pull me into theirs BS.... Feels damn good...
So now... I have been fucking sick past 2 weeks... And I realized -- I got my duck in one row finally... Beside stable job duck... That Duck is still ducking around.. But its ok... Babysitting is not the worst job ever, and I love kids, so job here and there is great :D
My ducks are in one straight row. I know what I want, I know how to get it, and I know it will take time... I am Madam know it all. There you go. I KNOW... But knowing is not nuff.. Steps need to be taken again, and I don't want to waste anymore time . Times and times again I spend time banging my head on wall... ( I swear every room in my apt has my forehead print somewhere).... because I know how to get shit done... I'm just scared to end up disappointed at myself... But now I a getting to that point ... I don't even care... Let's get this ''du09u3409ut03ty0oidhkhj; done...
So now... I have been fucking sick past 2 weeks... And I realized -- I got my duck in one row finally... Beside stable job duck... That Duck is still ducking around.. But its ok... Babysitting is not the worst job ever, and I love kids, so job here and there is great :D
My ducks are in one straight row. I know what I want, I know how to get it, and I know it will take time... I am Madam know it all. There you go. I KNOW... But knowing is not nuff.. Steps need to be taken again, and I don't want to waste anymore time . Times and times again I spend time banging my head on wall... ( I swear every room in my apt has my forehead print somewhere).... because I know how to get shit done... I'm just scared to end up disappointed at myself... But now I a getting to that point ... I don't even care... Let's get this ''du09u3409ut03ty0oidhkhj; done...
Thursday, December 8, 2016
Collecting my thoughts.....
I have had interesting year.
Last year, I had made plans, that I will move to California before year 2016 is over. I had plans to move here in October, right before Halloween.. I did not know how I would do it if it is even going to happen in october, but I knew I have to get my behind out of China and back to where I belong. I slowly started ending relationships that did not serve me any good, that in a way were just situationship friendships - friendships of convenience. After all- it is very hard to create long term relationships there, since people are pretty much in and out of Hangzhou.... and me being single almost 40 year old in there, just got tiring and boring.
In December I came to California because I did not want to be in CHina during christmas.. I just wanted to be away... I signed up for Tinder.. oh YES I DID... and after couple of pretty unsuccessful dates, I met someone who changed me for better and stronger. I forever cherish that relationship, at one point I thought He could be the guy I am going to spend rest of my life with.. But life happens, and when you have your eyes wide open and intuition kicks in and you have great friends who help you see , reality kicks in , and what was golden in beginning was loosing its shine... Sadly , I had to be the Bitch and call it quits, and after while we started chatting again, but it got uglier, and I knew it was time to get my peace back. .. In a way, he was the reason, I tried to get back to california quicker to see if there was something to save... But there was not... :)
Anyway, I got here, I spent amazing month at my friends apartment- Then got my place, quit smoking, but before that hit Tinder again. And went few interesting eye rolling dates. But I was not over my relationship while I was on those dates, so I slowly backed away from them because it would have been very wrong for me to start something , when I was still thinking about past.
Sometimes in October I got my closure. And I knew I definitely am ready for someone who wants me with all the bits and pieces.. With all the twists, and folds and sarcasm, and even occasional eyerolling. I know my worth, and one time when I was about to go all in as me, my patience was tested big time, and I just allowed that person to leave as quickly as he wanted. I have divorce papers to show, I don't have kids with tens of guys , and God is my witness- I do not sleep around or allow every penis to fall into me... When you question about how faithful I am- it is not problem in me- It is problem in you.
So ... after that I just stopped everything. And got pretty sick.. am still seriously ill but I am recovering. While I was home sick I started getting messages from someone i communicated verbally for couple of months in sept oct, but timing was not right and I backed away from it. He Reached out to me again... It is time before holidays... And Lot of relationships that are formed now, will be over by Valentines day. And I don't want to think about it. I am ready for that Final lasting connection that will change my reality and change everything I ever believed into. I am ready for that person who takes couple of looks at me and tells me-- I see you... I am ready to fall in love all innnnnnnnn again , and never fall out of love again. I am ready to have adventures I never had make memories with that Someone special even he can't believe we did whaat?
But I am not in a hurry. Time I spend with myself is beautiful.... ahhh ... I decorated my cute 5 ft christmas tree, right next to tv. I have candles everywhere I lit every night, I have little star lights everywhere that turn on outo after being off 16 hours. I am slowly filling my space with pieces of funky furniutre, that is ME.... I watch TV shows tht make me cry like- THIS IS US... ( best show ever)... But I am ready to use word WE... WE did this... We went there... We love this ... We cooked together..... WE..........
One thing I have not touched yet on this blog entry is my Son..... Oh.. I miss US... :) I miss that I don't live just 10 km from him. I miss seeing him whenever I wish .. I miss having our arguments and I miss our adventures in China.. I miss my son so much, that at one point I was thinking about buying ticket pack to china and fucking it all... But I did not. He is in amazing hands, and he is great student and i am sure he hates me .... And that's ok..... I understand.... It is my first Christmas being away from him and it sucks big time. It hurts, that I can't make us real Christmas meal... Homecooked real Christmas dinner and exchange gifts... But sooner or later it happens to all parents, that kids will be away and not home for christmas.... :) I miss you Gabriel :):):):):)
In the end of the day... In 2016 i had my best and my worst moments.... But this year is not over yet. Best is yet to come.... xoxo
please follow my blog for future updates....
Last year, I had made plans, that I will move to California before year 2016 is over. I had plans to move here in October, right before Halloween.. I did not know how I would do it if it is even going to happen in october, but I knew I have to get my behind out of China and back to where I belong. I slowly started ending relationships that did not serve me any good, that in a way were just situationship friendships - friendships of convenience. After all- it is very hard to create long term relationships there, since people are pretty much in and out of Hangzhou.... and me being single almost 40 year old in there, just got tiring and boring.
In December I came to California because I did not want to be in CHina during christmas.. I just wanted to be away... I signed up for Tinder.. oh YES I DID... and after couple of pretty unsuccessful dates, I met someone who changed me for better and stronger. I forever cherish that relationship, at one point I thought He could be the guy I am going to spend rest of my life with.. But life happens, and when you have your eyes wide open and intuition kicks in and you have great friends who help you see , reality kicks in , and what was golden in beginning was loosing its shine... Sadly , I had to be the Bitch and call it quits, and after while we started chatting again, but it got uglier, and I knew it was time to get my peace back. .. In a way, he was the reason, I tried to get back to california quicker to see if there was something to save... But there was not... :)
Anyway, I got here, I spent amazing month at my friends apartment- Then got my place, quit smoking, but before that hit Tinder again. And went few interesting eye rolling dates. But I was not over my relationship while I was on those dates, so I slowly backed away from them because it would have been very wrong for me to start something , when I was still thinking about past.
Sometimes in October I got my closure. And I knew I definitely am ready for someone who wants me with all the bits and pieces.. With all the twists, and folds and sarcasm, and even occasional eyerolling. I know my worth, and one time when I was about to go all in as me, my patience was tested big time, and I just allowed that person to leave as quickly as he wanted. I have divorce papers to show, I don't have kids with tens of guys , and God is my witness- I do not sleep around or allow every penis to fall into me... When you question about how faithful I am- it is not problem in me- It is problem in you.
So ... after that I just stopped everything. And got pretty sick.. am still seriously ill but I am recovering. While I was home sick I started getting messages from someone i communicated verbally for couple of months in sept oct, but timing was not right and I backed away from it. He Reached out to me again... It is time before holidays... And Lot of relationships that are formed now, will be over by Valentines day. And I don't want to think about it. I am ready for that Final lasting connection that will change my reality and change everything I ever believed into. I am ready for that person who takes couple of looks at me and tells me-- I see you... I am ready to fall in love all innnnnnnnn again , and never fall out of love again. I am ready to have adventures I never had make memories with that Someone special even he can't believe we did whaat?
But I am not in a hurry. Time I spend with myself is beautiful.... ahhh ... I decorated my cute 5 ft christmas tree, right next to tv. I have candles everywhere I lit every night, I have little star lights everywhere that turn on outo after being off 16 hours. I am slowly filling my space with pieces of funky furniutre, that is ME.... I watch TV shows tht make me cry like- THIS IS US... ( best show ever)... But I am ready to use word WE... WE did this... We went there... We love this ... We cooked together..... WE..........
One thing I have not touched yet on this blog entry is my Son..... Oh.. I miss US... :) I miss that I don't live just 10 km from him. I miss seeing him whenever I wish .. I miss having our arguments and I miss our adventures in China.. I miss my son so much, that at one point I was thinking about buying ticket pack to china and fucking it all... But I did not. He is in amazing hands, and he is great student and i am sure he hates me .... And that's ok..... I understand.... It is my first Christmas being away from him and it sucks big time. It hurts, that I can't make us real Christmas meal... Homecooked real Christmas dinner and exchange gifts... But sooner or later it happens to all parents, that kids will be away and not home for christmas.... :) I miss you Gabriel :):):):):)
In the end of the day... In 2016 i had my best and my worst moments.... But this year is not over yet. Best is yet to come.... xoxo
please follow my blog for future updates....
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
OMG...
Seriously you all... I got serious case of 'Manflu"... It's not funny. Usually I am pretty good handling colds, and illnesses,and whatever else life throws to my way, but this time I seriously at one point thought - " I AM GOING TO DIE!" End of story... What is happening to me.. Why I am becoming more mellow when years pass by? I never needed anyones help to get me on my feet- I was more like -- I GOT THIS... BITCH... step on side... haha....
But yes, now, it is my first time being seriously sick. Gabriel- my son was usually near me when I was sick, and he ran to my rescue on weekends past year or so. :) And Because I spend tons of time at home now, eating, thinking , watching all sorts of movies and eating more- I have tons of time to think about everything. And from here I want to briefly mention about my latest short term fling...
SO for a very long time I did not let anyone between my sheets... I just was not ready. I wrote before that I went out on dates, but all the dates left me little disappointed . Until I actually had very simple date at Venice beach. I love venice beach myself because of there is always so much happening.. You never know what you gonna get when you get there. .
SO anyway-- We had great date, kept communicating for a while, then I got cold feet, and took a step back, but in a way I still felt that he was around.. and once in a while we chatted..... After second time we met We had few arguments over chats, because I decided- I am going to be bluntly honest and when one are honest, it will get you in all sorts of trouble.
AND , we agreed, that we are going to be friends... BUT, for some weird reason, he liked that I was mean? Even thought I kept telling him- dude, we will never work.. Because I saw what kind of attention and affection he needed in relationship. And I am not that kind of GIVER.. like NO WAYZA... TO much for me to handle... But we ended having a great time, and conversation great and we actually got a long amazing, when it was on his terms... WHEN i tried to voice my opinion and views, it went little sideways... AND at that point I just gave up and had no intentions to listen what he had to say... I am sorry.
I am grown woman. Because you have issues from your past relationships, does not mean, you have to put me on the same pot with all the other females who ever hurt you. And for me to see, how easily it was for him to withdraw from our little adventure- made me realize once again- oh for god sakes... DO NOT even try to wake any feelings in female, if you actually have no intentions yourself invest your feelings into it.
I do not take anything personally these days, I just sit back and tell to myself... YOU KNEW IT FROM DAY ONE-- this is how it is going to end... Because words in the end of the day mean nothing....
In a way I am just little sad... I did like the guy... Not many people these days can make laugh, and he had great sarcastic dry sense of humor....
Oh well.... Such is life... But one thing I told myself.. After I get over this cold- or whatever I have... I will be OUT... Out and about...
I can't wait to put on some make up, get my hair done, get out of Pj's and have some fun... It is long overdue...........
But yes, now, it is my first time being seriously sick. Gabriel- my son was usually near me when I was sick, and he ran to my rescue on weekends past year or so. :) And Because I spend tons of time at home now, eating, thinking , watching all sorts of movies and eating more- I have tons of time to think about everything. And from here I want to briefly mention about my latest short term fling...
SO for a very long time I did not let anyone between my sheets... I just was not ready. I wrote before that I went out on dates, but all the dates left me little disappointed . Until I actually had very simple date at Venice beach. I love venice beach myself because of there is always so much happening.. You never know what you gonna get when you get there. .
SO anyway-- We had great date, kept communicating for a while, then I got cold feet, and took a step back, but in a way I still felt that he was around.. and once in a while we chatted..... After second time we met We had few arguments over chats, because I decided- I am going to be bluntly honest and when one are honest, it will get you in all sorts of trouble.
AND , we agreed, that we are going to be friends... BUT, for some weird reason, he liked that I was mean? Even thought I kept telling him- dude, we will never work.. Because I saw what kind of attention and affection he needed in relationship. And I am not that kind of GIVER.. like NO WAYZA... TO much for me to handle... But we ended having a great time, and conversation great and we actually got a long amazing, when it was on his terms... WHEN i tried to voice my opinion and views, it went little sideways... AND at that point I just gave up and had no intentions to listen what he had to say... I am sorry.
I am grown woman. Because you have issues from your past relationships, does not mean, you have to put me on the same pot with all the other females who ever hurt you. And for me to see, how easily it was for him to withdraw from our little adventure- made me realize once again- oh for god sakes... DO NOT even try to wake any feelings in female, if you actually have no intentions yourself invest your feelings into it.
I do not take anything personally these days, I just sit back and tell to myself... YOU KNEW IT FROM DAY ONE-- this is how it is going to end... Because words in the end of the day mean nothing....
In a way I am just little sad... I did like the guy... Not many people these days can make laugh, and he had great sarcastic dry sense of humor....
Oh well.... Such is life... But one thing I told myself.. After I get over this cold- or whatever I have... I will be OUT... Out and about...
I can't wait to put on some make up, get my hair done, get out of Pj's and have some fun... It is long overdue...........
Thursday, December 1, 2016
Hurt and hurting.... ( My take in pain very narrow spectrum)
Pain is strange. It can be mental/psychological, physical, or just Pain even though there is no reason for it( again... self created)... Which means, we create pain for ourselves due to multiple different reasons... Some can't deal with relationship, some are needy in relationship, some are just needy.... But worst kind of pain comes from past losses.. even though one has dealt with past issues, time to time they will resurface and one ( like myself) has to deal with it again... And sometimes it is absolutely fine to be in pain. It reminds us over and over and over again, that we are alive . But one thing one has to learn , is how to deal with it, and not to let it get a way of living your life..
I am going to touch subject about guys again.. I wish I could call it topic about MEN, but apparently I keep meeting "wrong" men... Or broken men- as I would like to call them. I used to blame it on EGO, but I gave up....
I Really , Really, really do know what I want in "OUR" relationship ( whoever you are out there meant for me).
*Honesty- DOn't wait me to ask questions... volunteer tell me your story-- please.. it's an order
*trust- trust me when I tell you something... I will never prove my point..... It's not worth it...
*Respect- respect my point of view , and don't question it....
*Compassion- Be kind, be compassionate... It will make you feel good....
*Empathy- it's not all about you.. we all have different experiences in life... Be aware...
*Humor- Laughter makes a world go around.... Humor makes everything better
*Sarcasm.--- That's my second language
*Open Mindedness- I am world citizen.... I have been to places, I have seen things, I have experienced things, and so on.... "I" in this sounds like EGO speaking... but I here is also is ME... I will never be the person I was few days ago, because I am constantly evolving till I am aware of me :)
SO.. THERE YOU GO... NEVER be in pain again. Live the life the way it works for you... And if someone tells you, you are unhappy or wrong.. It means you are in different level from them... OR their ego is stuck somewhere... But don't get mean....
Life the life that is assigned for you...
Recognize the pain you once were in, and never allow it to come to your life again....
move on...
Lots of love ..
DST
I am going to touch subject about guys again.. I wish I could call it topic about MEN, but apparently I keep meeting "wrong" men... Or broken men- as I would like to call them. I used to blame it on EGO, but I gave up....
I Really , Really, really do know what I want in "OUR" relationship ( whoever you are out there meant for me).
*Honesty- DOn't wait me to ask questions... volunteer tell me your story-- please.. it's an order
*trust- trust me when I tell you something... I will never prove my point..... It's not worth it...
*Respect- respect my point of view , and don't question it....
*Compassion- Be kind, be compassionate... It will make you feel good....
*Empathy- it's not all about you.. we all have different experiences in life... Be aware...
*Humor- Laughter makes a world go around.... Humor makes everything better
*Sarcasm.--- That's my second language
*Open Mindedness- I am world citizen.... I have been to places, I have seen things, I have experienced things, and so on.... "I" in this sounds like EGO speaking... but I here is also is ME... I will never be the person I was few days ago, because I am constantly evolving till I am aware of me :)
SO.. THERE YOU GO... NEVER be in pain again. Live the life the way it works for you... And if someone tells you, you are unhappy or wrong.. It means you are in different level from them... OR their ego is stuck somewhere... But don't get mean....
Life the life that is assigned for you...
Recognize the pain you once were in, and never allow it to come to your life again....
move on...
Lots of love ..
DST
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