I have had interesting year.
Last year, I had made plans, that I will move to California before year 2016 is over. I had plans to move here in October, right before Halloween.. I did not know how I would do it if it is even going to happen in october, but I knew I have to get my behind out of China and back to where I belong. I slowly started ending relationships that did not serve me any good, that in a way were just situationship friendships - friendships of convenience. After all- it is very hard to create long term relationships there, since people are pretty much in and out of Hangzhou.... and me being single almost 40 year old in there, just got tiring and boring.
In December I came to California because I did not want to be in CHina during christmas.. I just wanted to be away... I signed up for Tinder.. oh YES I DID... and after couple of pretty unsuccessful dates, I met someone who changed me for better and stronger. I forever cherish that relationship, at one point I thought He could be the guy I am going to spend rest of my life with.. But life happens, and when you have your eyes wide open and intuition kicks in and you have great friends who help you see , reality kicks in , and what was golden in beginning was loosing its shine... Sadly , I had to be the Bitch and call it quits, and after while we started chatting again, but it got uglier, and I knew it was time to get my peace back. .. In a way, he was the reason, I tried to get back to california quicker to see if there was something to save... But there was not... :)
Anyway, I got here, I spent amazing month at my friends apartment- Then got my place, quit smoking, but before that hit Tinder again. And went few interesting eye rolling dates. But I was not over my relationship while I was on those dates, so I slowly backed away from them because it would have been very wrong for me to start something , when I was still thinking about past.
Sometimes in October I got my closure. And I knew I definitely am ready for someone who wants me with all the bits and pieces.. With all the twists, and folds and sarcasm, and even occasional eyerolling. I know my worth, and one time when I was about to go all in as me, my patience was tested big time, and I just allowed that person to leave as quickly as he wanted. I have divorce papers to show, I don't have kids with tens of guys , and God is my witness- I do not sleep around or allow every penis to fall into me... When you question about how faithful I am- it is not problem in me- It is problem in you.
So ... after that I just stopped everything. And got pretty sick.. am still seriously ill but I am recovering. While I was home sick I started getting messages from someone i communicated verbally for couple of months in sept oct, but timing was not right and I backed away from it. He Reached out to me again... It is time before holidays... And Lot of relationships that are formed now, will be over by Valentines day. And I don't want to think about it. I am ready for that Final lasting connection that will change my reality and change everything I ever believed into. I am ready for that person who takes couple of looks at me and tells me-- I see you... I am ready to fall in love all innnnnnnnn again , and never fall out of love again. I am ready to have adventures I never had make memories with that Someone special even he can't believe we did whaat?
But I am not in a hurry. Time I spend with myself is beautiful.... ahhh ... I decorated my cute 5 ft christmas tree, right next to tv. I have candles everywhere I lit every night, I have little star lights everywhere that turn on outo after being off 16 hours. I am slowly filling my space with pieces of funky furniutre, that is ME.... I watch TV shows tht make me cry like- THIS IS US... ( best show ever)... But I am ready to use word WE... WE did this... We went there... We love this ... We cooked together..... WE..........
One thing I have not touched yet on this blog entry is my Son..... Oh.. I miss US... :) I miss that I don't live just 10 km from him. I miss seeing him whenever I wish .. I miss having our arguments and I miss our adventures in China.. I miss my son so much, that at one point I was thinking about buying ticket pack to china and fucking it all... But I did not. He is in amazing hands, and he is great student and i am sure he hates me .... And that's ok..... I understand.... It is my first Christmas being away from him and it sucks big time. It hurts, that I can't make us real Christmas meal... Homecooked real Christmas dinner and exchange gifts... But sooner or later it happens to all parents, that kids will be away and not home for christmas.... :) I miss you Gabriel :):):):):)
In the end of the day... In 2016 i had my best and my worst moments.... But this year is not over yet. Best is yet to come.... xoxo
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