priorities.

We are need time to be believers.......

I am trying to deal best with my  current situation.   But at times I feel like failing.  

I have THE best son ever who lives with his father in Asia. And it was not easiest decision for me to  take a step away from there and move back where I moved. But It was right decision.

 I miss my son day to day bases.   And it is ok.  He is doing great. And He will be great.
 I pray for him daily.
 Timothy 1:7
Father, I ask you to help my children realize that You have not given them a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. In Jesus’ Name. 
AMEN

Never give up.

I don't want to fall in love... Not yet..  Not today..
I don't want to loose my mind, not yet.. not today..
I don't want to feel vulnerable -- Not today....

But I am getting there.  I am ready to let love in again. I am ready to look someone into their eyes again and love what those other eyes tell me, see what those eyes feed me, love what those eyes stand for... ...  And I am getting close to letting love in...

It feels freeing . It feels powerful, it feels exactly how I want it to feel.     It feels scary, but there was this saying I read long time ago from somewhere ,  " If it does not scare you, it does not challenge you."....  Let me tell you something...  I am scared, I feel challenged, I feel powerless, I feel intrigued, and I feel  at peace and this is exactly where I want to be... I want to be here and present and at peace with me....

 Yes, of course I have my questions, but every question ever asked will get an answer, sooner or later.  There is not rush anymore in my life.   I don't want anymore - "RIGHT NOW".. It makes no longer sense.   AT THIS point in my life ........-----I want  forever....   and for "FOREVER", I am ready to fight for . I am ready to take a step back and live and learn and observe.     Forever promises to be beautiful.  Just just like I am, just like he is... just like out lives are...  beautiful....

to feel and to be felt, to love and to be loved, to see and to be seen.... cherish these moments,, remember them,  and never forget them........ xoxo

HOLIDAYS

HOLIDAYS ARE ROUGH...ROUGH TO MY CORE...   Rough to the point - I can not breathe. Rough- till I can't see straight. Rough from tip of my head to my toes... This is all rough..

 But it is not what I am concentrating on.  We all are born to deal with difficulties in life. We all are given different paths.    And we all think our paths are rough...    So, I am empathetic to  all of my friends journeys in life....  But my story is not about my friends , it is about me.

 And now,  I am bleeding inside out.  I WeChat'ed my son G. today.   From the first moment I heard his voice, I knew he has changed.. He hates talking on phone, so I never call him. But Last night I had dream about him, and I had to   call him.    And he answered. :)     And when I heard his voice I realized, he is  not a boy anymore.     The way he spoke to me, the way his voice sounded.. And everything else..  4 months ago he was different person that he is now.... And  I am so happy , that he is growing up. He has no fucking idea what is waiting for him in few years, but he will figure it out soon...  

I am sure, If I was still in china, I would not see these changes as drastic as they seem because I was in his life, day in and say out, but  being away,  but still active,  it is different...

It is not easy..     But I am  actively dealing with it..    I am just happy he is amazing human being at this point.... :)


xoxoxo

Be you....

Beautiful things start to happen when you allow them to happen.   I know this, because I have been stuck  few times.. Stuck in friendships, stuck in relationships, stuck about who I am, and stuck about what the fuck am I supposed to do....... NOW, fast forward.. now   Myself - I think I am Goddess.  I  definitely am.  I have thought so for a very long time.  But mellow me, always kind suppressed those thoughts and feelings, because myself I dislike overly confident females...-- Actually  i don't like them... SO I have  figured out how to stay likeable and same time confident, and funny and stay true to myself.. It  has been a very long journey, but it is not over yet...
every day when I wake up, I ask myself,   What can I do to make this day count... SOme days I just chill, other days I ran out and babysit as much as I can. and those off days-- I just write down what I want for myself soon.... And what I want for myself is beyond beautiful.. it is so beautiful when I think about it it brings warmth to my heart and tears into my eyes... it is beauty  i can definitely achieve in my life sooner or later... it is reachable, and touchable...:)

thoughts..

I read something interesting today... second time it actually registered to me....

 I try to translate it from Estonian language as accurately as possible... its from book called- jalutuskaigud sisekosmoses by Kaido Pajumaa

" Where does our inner peace actually resides?
 It right here, right now.   At this moment,  it resides here  by the sea. It is in our head. Deep in our souls, deep inside us.  We only find  peace from one source- We find peace from bravery to give up...   it is not easy... It feels like whole world is collapsing. .. Yes, it is the worst feeling in universe, but luckily nothing collapses.. World does not collapse.  World will be here for us   even if we just take a step back and  relax.   And world will be here and present for us  , when we all arrive and get  jiggy with it again.....   "


 Peace.....

Silence - create your own serene habitat......

In my life I have been happy, angry, desperate,  angry once more,  frustrated, more angry... Till I realized I have to break that cycle.  Once in a while frustrations kick in, anger resurfaces, and I ask myself question WHY DID I allow myself to stoop to that level again. I am better than that...  I'm smarter that, I am  stonger than that... But once in a while, life tests you, and puts you in the same  room  with people  to test your maturity...    I am pretty impressed now, that  I am actually just walking away from all   Bs that has nothing to do with me, or  if someone wants to pull me into theirs BS....  Feels damn good...


So now... I have been fucking sick past 2 weeks...   And I realized -- I got my duck in one row finally... Beside stable job duck... That Duck is still  ducking around.. But its ok... Babysitting is not the worst job ever, and I love kids, so job here and there is great :D    

My ducks are in one straight row. I know what I want, I know how to get it, and I know it will take time... I am Madam know it all. There you go. I KNOW...     But knowing is not nuff..  Steps need to be taken again, and I don't want to waste anymore time .  Times and times again I spend time banging my head on wall... ( I swear every room in my apt has my forehead print somewhere)....  because I know how to get shit done...  I'm just scared to end up disappointed at myself...  But now I a getting to that point ... I don't even care...  Let's get this ''du09u3409ut03ty0oidhkhj;   done...