HOLIDAYS

HOLIDAYS ARE ROUGH...ROUGH TO MY CORE...   Rough to the point - I can not breathe. Rough- till I can't see straight. Rough from tip of my head to my toes... This is all rough..

 But it is not what I am concentrating on.  We all are born to deal with difficulties in life. We all are given different paths.    And we all think our paths are rough...    So, I am empathetic to  all of my friends journeys in life....  But my story is not about my friends , it is about me.

 And now,  I am bleeding inside out.  I WeChat'ed my son G. today.   From the first moment I heard his voice, I knew he has changed.. He hates talking on phone, so I never call him. But Last night I had dream about him, and I had to   call him.    And he answered. :)     And when I heard his voice I realized, he is  not a boy anymore.     The way he spoke to me, the way his voice sounded.. And everything else..  4 months ago he was different person that he is now.... And  I am so happy , that he is growing up. He has no fucking idea what is waiting for him in few years, but he will figure it out soon...  

I am sure, If I was still in china, I would not see these changes as drastic as they seem because I was in his life, day in and say out, but  being away,  but still active,  it is different...

It is not easy..     But I am  actively dealing with it..    I am just happy he is amazing human being at this point.... :)


xoxoxo

Be you....

Beautiful things start to happen when you allow them to happen.   I know this, because I have been stuck  few times.. Stuck in friendships, stuck in relationships, stuck about who I am, and stuck about what the fuck am I supposed to do....... NOW, fast forward.. now   Myself - I think I am Goddess.  I  definitely am.  I have thought so for a very long time.  But mellow me, always kind suppressed those thoughts and feelings, because myself I dislike overly confident females...-- Actually  i don't like them... SO I have  figured out how to stay likeable and same time confident, and funny and stay true to myself.. It  has been a very long journey, but it is not over yet...
every day when I wake up, I ask myself,   What can I do to make this day count... SOme days I just chill, other days I ran out and babysit as much as I can. and those off days-- I just write down what I want for myself soon.... And what I want for myself is beyond beautiful.. it is so beautiful when I think about it it brings warmth to my heart and tears into my eyes... it is beauty  i can definitely achieve in my life sooner or later... it is reachable, and touchable...:)

thoughts..

I read something interesting today... second time it actually registered to me....

 I try to translate it from Estonian language as accurately as possible... its from book called- jalutuskaigud sisekosmoses by Kaido Pajumaa

" Where does our inner peace actually resides?
 It right here, right now.   At this moment,  it resides here  by the sea. It is in our head. Deep in our souls, deep inside us.  We only find  peace from one source- We find peace from bravery to give up...   it is not easy... It feels like whole world is collapsing. .. Yes, it is the worst feeling in universe, but luckily nothing collapses.. World does not collapse.  World will be here for us   even if we just take a step back and  relax.   And world will be here and present for us  , when we all arrive and get  jiggy with it again.....   "


 Peace.....

Silence - create your own serene habitat......

In my life I have been happy, angry, desperate,  angry once more,  frustrated, more angry... Till I realized I have to break that cycle.  Once in a while frustrations kick in, anger resurfaces, and I ask myself question WHY DID I allow myself to stoop to that level again. I am better than that...  I'm smarter that, I am  stonger than that... But once in a while, life tests you, and puts you in the same  room  with people  to test your maturity...    I am pretty impressed now, that  I am actually just walking away from all   Bs that has nothing to do with me, or  if someone wants to pull me into theirs BS....  Feels damn good...


So now... I have been fucking sick past 2 weeks...   And I realized -- I got my duck in one row finally... Beside stable job duck... That Duck is still  ducking around.. But its ok... Babysitting is not the worst job ever, and I love kids, so job here and there is great :D    

My ducks are in one straight row. I know what I want, I know how to get it, and I know it will take time... I am Madam know it all. There you go. I KNOW...     But knowing is not nuff..  Steps need to be taken again, and I don't want to waste anymore time .  Times and times again I spend time banging my head on wall... ( I swear every room in my apt has my forehead print somewhere)....  because I know how to get shit done...  I'm just scared to end up disappointed at myself...  But now I a getting to that point ... I don't even care...  Let's get this ''du09u3409ut03ty0oidhkhj;   done...

Collecting my thoughts.....

I have had interesting year.
Last year, I had made plans, that I will move to California before year 2016 is over. I had plans to move here in October, right before Halloween.. I did not know how I would do it if it is even going to happen  in october, but I knew I have to get my  behind out of China and back to where  I belong. I slowly started  ending relationships that did not serve me any good, that in a way were just situationship friendships - friendships of convenience.  After all- it is very hard to  create long term relationships there, since people are pretty much in and out of Hangzhou.... and me being single almost 40 year old  in there, just got tiring and boring.

In December I came to  California because I did not want to be in CHina during christmas.. I just wanted to be away...  I signed up for Tinder.. oh  YES I DID...   and after couple of pretty unsuccessful dates, I met someone who changed  me for better and stronger. I forever cherish that relationship, at one point I thought He could be the guy I am going to spend rest of my life with.. But life happens, and when you have your eyes wide open and intuition kicks in  and you have great friends who help you see ,  reality kicks in , and  what was golden in beginning was loosing its shine...   Sadly , I had to be the Bitch and call it quits, and after while we started chatting again,  but it got uglier, and I knew it was time to get my peace back. ..   In a way, he was the reason, I tried to get back to california  quicker to see if there was something to save... But   there was not... :)

Anyway, I got here, I spent amazing month at my friends apartment- Then got my place, quit smoking, but before that hit Tinder again. And  went few interesting eye rolling dates.  But I was not over my relationship while I was on those dates, so  I slowly backed away from them because it would have been very wrong for me to  start something , when I was still thinking about past.

 Sometimes in October I got my closure.   And I knew   I  definitely am ready for someone who wants me  with all the bits and pieces..  With all the  twists, and  folds and sarcasm, and  even occasional  eyerolling.  I know my worth, and  one time when I was about to go all in as me,  my patience was tested big time, and I  just allowed that person to leave as quickly as he wanted.  I have divorce papers to show, I don't have kids with tens of guys ,  and  God is my witness- I do not sleep around  or allow every penis to fall into me...    When you question about how faithful I am- it is not problem in me- It is problem in you.  

So ... after that I just stopped everything.   And got pretty sick.. am still seriously ill  but I am recovering.   While  I was home sick   I started getting messages  from someone i  communicated verbally for couple of months  in sept oct, but timing was not right  and  I backed away from it.  He Reached out to me again...   It is time before holidays...  And Lot of relationships that are formed now, will be over by Valentines day.    And I don't want to think about it.   I am ready for that Final lasting connection that will change my reality and  change everything I ever believed into.   I am ready  for that person who takes couple of looks at me and tells me-- I see you...   I am ready to fall  in love all innnnnnnnn again , and never fall out of love again.  I am ready to  have adventures I never had  make memories   with that Someone special  even he can't believe we did whaat?

  But I am not in a hurry.   Time I spend with myself is beautiful.... ahhh ...  I decorated my cute 5 ft christmas tree, right next to tv. I have candles everywhere I lit every night,  I have little star lights everywhere that turn on outo after being off 16 hours.    I am slowly filling my space with pieces of funky furniutre, that is ME....    I watch TV shows tht make me cry  like- THIS IS US... ( best show ever)...  But I am ready  to use word WE...   WE did this... We went there... We love this ... We cooked together.....   WE..........


 One thing I have not touched yet on this blog entry is my Son..... Oh.. I miss  US... :)    I miss that I don't live just 10 km from him. I miss seeing him whenever I wish .. I miss having our arguments and I miss  our  adventures in China.. I miss my son  so much, that at one point I was thinking about buying ticket pack to china   and fucking it all... But I did not.   He is in amazing hands, and he is great student and   i am sure he hates me ....   And that's ok..... I understand....   It is my first Christmas  being away from him and it sucks big time.  It hurts, that I can't make us real Christmas meal... Homecooked real Christmas dinner and exchange gifts...   But sooner or later it happens to all parents, that kids will be away and not home for christmas.... :)       I miss you Gabriel :):):):):)


In the end of the day... In 2016 i had my best and my worst moments....  But this year is not over yet.    Best is yet to come.... xoxo


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OMG...

Seriously you all... I got serious case of 'Manflu"... It's not funny.  Usually I am pretty good handling colds, and illnesses,and whatever else life throws to my way, but this time I seriously at one point thought - " I AM GOING TO DIE!"     End of story...  What is happening to me.. Why I am becoming more mellow when years pass by?  I never needed anyones help to get me on my feet- I was more like -- I GOT THIS... BITCH... step on side... haha....

But yes, now,  it is my first time being seriously sick. Gabriel- my son was usually near me when I was sick, and he ran to my rescue  on weekends past year or so. :) And Because I spend tons of time at home now, eating, thinking , watching all sorts of movies and eating more- I have tons of time to think about everything.  And from here I want to briefly mention about my latest short term fling...

SO for a very long time I did not let anyone between my sheets...  I just was not ready.  I wrote before that I went out on dates, but all the dates left me little disappointed . Until  I actually had very simple date  at Venice beach.   I love venice beach myself because of there is always so much happening..  You never know what you gonna get when you get there. .

SO anyway--  We had great  date, kept communicating  for a while, then I got cold feet, and took a step back, but in a way I still felt that he was around.. and once in a while we chatted.....    After second time we met  We had few arguments over chats, because I decided- I am going to be bluntly honest and when one are honest, it will get you in all sorts of trouble.
AND , we agreed, that we are going to be friends...  BUT, for some weird reason, he liked that I was mean?  Even thought I kept telling him- dude, we will never work..  Because I saw what kind of attention and affection he needed in relationship.  And I am not that kind of GIVER..  like NO WAYZA...   TO much for me to handle...   But we ended having a great time, and conversation great and we actually got a long amazing, when it was on his terms... WHEN i tried to voice my opinion and views, it went little sideways... AND   at that point I just  gave up and had no intentions to listen what he had to say... I am sorry.
I am grown woman. Because you have issues from your past relationships,  does not mean, you have to   put me on the same pot with all the other females  who ever hurt you.  And for me to see, how easily it was for him to withdraw from  our little  adventure- made me realize once again-  oh for god sakes... DO NOT even try to wake any feelings in female, if you actually have no intentions yourself invest your feelings into it.

 I do not take anything personally these days, I just sit back and tell to myself... YOU KNEW IT FROM DAY ONE-- this is how it is going to end...  Because words in the end of the day mean nothing....  

In a way I am just little sad...  I did like the guy...  Not many people these days can make laugh, and he had great sarcastic dry sense of humor....

Oh well....   Such is life...  But one thing I told myself.. After I get over this cold- or whatever I have... I will be OUT...  Out and about...

 I can't wait to put on some make up, get my hair done, get out of Pj's and have some fun... It is long overdue...........

Hurt and hurting.... ( My take in pain very narrow spectrum)

Pain is strange. It can be mental/psychological, physical, or just Pain  even though there is no reason for it( again... self created)...  Which means, we create pain for ourselves due to multiple different reasons... Some can't deal with relationship, some are needy in relationship, some are just needy.... But worst kind of pain comes from past losses.. even though one has dealt with past issues, time to time they will resurface and one ( like myself) has to deal with it again...   And sometimes it is absolutely fine to be in pain. It reminds us over and over and over again, that we are alive .  But one thing one has to learn , is how to deal with it, and not to let it get a way of living your life..

I am going to touch subject about guys again..  I wish I could call it topic about MEN, but apparently I keep meeting "wrong" men... Or broken men- as I would like to call them. I used to blame it on EGO, but I  gave up....

I Really , Really, really do know what I want in "OUR" relationship  ( whoever you are out there  meant for me).

*Honesty- DOn't wait me to ask questions... volunteer tell me your story-- please.. it's an order
*trust- trust me when I tell you something... I will never prove my point.....  It's not worth it...
*Respect- respect my point of view , and don't question it....
*Compassion- Be kind, be compassionate... It will make you feel good....
*Empathy- it's not all about you.. we all have different experiences in life... Be aware...
*Humor- Laughter makes a world go around....  Humor makes everything better
*Sarcasm.--- That's  my second language
*Open Mindedness-  I am world citizen....  I have been to places, I have seen things, I have experienced things, and so on....  "I" in this sounds like EGO speaking... but I here is also is ME...  I will never be the person I was few days ago, because I am constantly evolving till I am aware of me :)  

SO.. THERE YOU GO...  NEVER be in pain again.  Live the life the way it works for you... And if someone tells you,  you are unhappy or wrong.. It means you are in different level from them... OR their ego is stuck somewhere... But don't get   mean....

Life the life that is assigned for you...


Recognize the pain you once were in, and never allow it to come to your life again....

move on...


Lots of love ..

DST