struggles....

I was struggling today...

Company I am working for is called INSTACART and it  is changing. I am personal shopper and after I shop, i deliver items to customers for IC pay and for tips as well....  Pay has been lowered, our tips have been removed and there is more happening.. I am heartbroken over it.  When I started in January, my pay was about 25 dollars an hour, now it is about 15-19 dollars an hour,  But it is still ok. First time in my life I have been able to pay for rent and food on my own. Yes, it is  beginning of my "American dream" living, but i am more than happy to admit- this too shall pass. It is a entryway to something bigger that is waiting for me:) Just have to keep my chin up :)

Today was THE first time  IC threw me to the  curb, after I declined 7 dollars an hour shopping trips . I was mad because I did not meet my quota for a day to make rent money...  And I just calmed myself down and said, this too shall pass...

At that very moment, I felt pain physically crawling back to my body.  I felt Devil attacking me from left and right. I was about to break down and cry. But I decided to keep my shit together.. I headed to gym, started playing for my favorite worship music, and at that instance everything changed.

I casted my Worries on HIS shoulders....   I kept walking , and walking, and then did some mild jogging and before I knew I was running... And I did not feel any physical pain whatsoever...

I casted my worries on HIS shoulders....

Questions...

When Christian sister who sees you hurting gives you advice....

Maybe you should have  allowed your ex husband to cheat on you , because you are not what HE desires...

But at least you would have had the life that GOD planned for you...


 ME: WTF... Is this some sort of Orange County Christianity????

Lets cry together .

How do you feel after a good CRY?

Today is the first day of rest of my life..

Before I say anything else, I am going to say this...Kids, don't do drugs and stay in school. With that said... Bare with me...


This past weekend was an extraordinary weekend.I am at loss of words. Nothing will ever be the same.

It all started out with my trip to Woodland hills area to visit my BFF and her family.  We planned to hit LA and Hollywood.  I love getting away from orange county, because I just feel so "dead"in here.  I only moved back to OC because it is the place what I know.. My kids grew up here, went to school etc.... Well, long story short.. After few cocktails , dancing and laughing , we left party scene and headed back to my friends place.. AND then everything got Interesting...


My life is forever changed.

In the midst of everything, I had a chance to experiment with something I have never ever tried before...  MileyCyrus has referenced "this "in her song...

I remember thinking... FUCK, how much more horrible my life can get, If I am going to die soon I rather die today and happy, But something else happened instead...

15 minutes into it my whole body relaxed, I excused my self and I went and lied down... Next thing happened was- with eyes closed I started seeing laser show - very short laser show. And what happened next I will never forget... All of a sudden whole room was filled with the most calming white light, And I could feel the energy around me.  Suddnely I heard the Energy saying- DIana, we are ready for you . We have a place for you.  I did not ever think for a second, and I responded.. IT IS NOT MY TIME! MY SON NEEDS ME .

All of a sudden the light was not around me, but it slowly distanced, and  miracle happened... I heard my daughter REGINAS GIGGLES.. I DID  not hear her giggle out loud,  But I heard her energy. SO happy, so light, so  lively... I sensed the energies of my grandparents, deceased relatives ... e3tc... I could not see them, but I felt them and I saw flashes of energy sliding through me, and through other people... BUT reginas  Giggles put me at ease.. SHE was free and she was happy, and she did not even know I was hurting...... ALl of a sudden, I felt someone else in the room with me. It was little Girl Regina was friends with in St JUDE, but she died early on.  Her energy was not saying anything, but it was talking to me.  She wanted me to reach out to her mother and tell her mom not to be sad anymore,  Because their sadness and guilt does not let her glide like other free and happy spirits... I was just quiet, but in my mind thought, I will do this for you. Just  be free...  And with that said, i could feel the heavy burden lifted off my chest, I started breathing again.. But all I could see were spirits all around me. They were just trying to find new bodies to take place in... I can not explane this to you.... I could see everything that was happening, and with each happening, the burden I was carrying got lighter.... I just remember breathing deep breaths, and with each deep breath out, something something left my body, that I was not able to let go before...

I remember seeing this all and thining- THIS IS WHAT HEAVEN IS LIKE!!!  No pain, no worry, no material posessions, just happiness and purest most innoscent joy- just the way we are born into this world....

The light around me remained the whole time... The invitation to join the Heavens garden when my time comes remained....  And next things I remember is taking lot of deep breaths .. A LOT OF  deep breaths.....and saying out loud --- I SAW THE LIGHT many times..!!! I KNOW WHAT INVITATION MEANS NOW, I know how amazing GOD is, and I KNOW what kind of life waits for me .. I am not blind anymore... I was blind but now I see...

But this is not it... THis whole experience lasted for an about 4-5 hours... And I saw someone  elses spirit/  energy..... I visited his mothers gravesite last year, and it was surreal experience... It was not my experience, but "he saw the light" then....  I have never met my friendes mother, but I could hear her accent and  smell all the jamaican food and I knew exactly who that person was...

And even more happened  that I can't explain.

One thing I know-- I will never be the same...Nothing ever be the same for me... But I know now - I was not living-- I was just existing....

I AM SO HAPPY FOR TODAY!!!. I am so happy for this experience... And I am so happy to know now , what happens to us after our spirit/soul  leaves our borrowed bodies. 

What my spirit saw is freedom...  We never leave this earth. We remain here, but  we remain without past memory. WE remain as innocent souls and we glide, and slide, and laugh and giggle till we found a new cell.


February 16th, 2019 ....

It is what it is...

O . M . G. 
I am saying this with my high pitch voice.... So much is happening right now and has happened..


First of all..I want to tell you that 2018 was amaziiiiiing... LOT of self growth and  all the aspects that linked to that #MILLENIALSENIOR cakeshit growth are true....

I am 40 and embracing the pain! Pain is part of the process.. Like waking up every morning and figuring shit out how to get out the bed. And smile and all the lovely... If you know what I mean...\
 AND I am also embracing the LOVE.. LOVe from my #becomingchurch in Aliso Viejo, , LOVE from the best peeps in my life, LOVE I give to those I have never met, LOVE i get daily bases from all of you, LOVE THAT KEEPS GIVING.... LOVE never fails... THAT is why I LOVE...
 

FIND LOVE IN EVERYTHING ...  JUST LOVE....





And I think 2019 will carry even more power. A N D... I am in charge. 

I will speak less and H E A R more......#GOD #LISTEN #CURSE #WORSHIP #love

 Thoughts from today...

....  Ask before you assume… ASK before you belittle someone you met briefly. ASK before you jump into conclusions… ASK BEFORE  YOU MADE UP LITTLE STORIES IN YOUR MIND THAT FIT YOUR REALITY….  Be curious. And be accepting and open to receive an answer, that is different from your perception…   And seriously,  be ready to receive no answer at all… 

If you do not want to ask… Stay humble…. 

STAY OPEN… "

Diana...

September.

Today , for a hot second, one of my favorite Instagram pastors posted something, that made me boiling mad.... It was not directed towards me, but I felt personally attacked.  And I still do.

What she said is.. " Look at you! living just fine without the person you thought you needed!. "

I know it was not directed towards me--- ME - MOM , who lost  my firstborn  Child  to cancer 9 years ago- Had divorce almost right after that, and then decided to leave my son  with my ex husband who is now married to mistress he known since 2003?   And I was married to him  since 1998-2015 ( WTF)  And they Since 2015 have had 3 more kids...........  AND YES---  it  all hit a nerve in me.

NOT the part of  me living just fine with the ASSHOLE I thought I needed,

 But me Living without the most amazing Girl who had so much to teach to the world....   I Miss My Girl Regina every day.  EVERY day I find reasons for me to live and carry on.. EVERY day in my life I push myself harder to  get that goal I have in my mind, and every day i Live , I move further away from the  pain I introduced and invited to my life ....   I am Healing...



 And it feels good..... Miss my Guardian angel..... ... Forever in my heart....Forever 10....