I had known for a long time that my ex husband was planning to travel to California on August 30. And I had already purchased tickets to move permanently to SoCal on 9/11 . We just kept chatting about our son being with me during that 10 day trip he is over in cali. And of course I told him, I will take care of our boy in china.... I am his momma, and whatever he needs something, or whenever he needs me I will be there for him.
So day before his trip my ex texted me and told me his travel details. We always do that to each other, because we have one amazing son who needs both of his parents.. And if something would happen ether of us during our travels, we would know exactly what is going on. We have reached different kind of love and respect. And it is how it is supposed to be.
So anyways, He texted me and says he takes of in about 12 hours... I told him... It would be amazing, if Gabriel and I would be too in usa for our last trip together, because I am not going to see my son for a year.... It was just a thought. I did not expect anything to happen... As you know, I already had my tickets.. I knew that I would be with my son no matter what those 10 days before I travel to usa. But it all is little fucked up.... Hangzhou was hosting G20 ( google if you don't know what it is) and because of this event, my Hangzhou is dead- empty, people are sent out of city, schools , restaurants, bars are closed... there is nothing for us to do.... My son and I would just hang in our apartment and stare our computers with stoned faces. But is that how do you wan't to spend your last days with your blood? NO... But then again, my mind was set on I would make these last 10 days the best days....
And then... after I told him, that , HEY, would be great, he paused and said. Let me check something.... And he did check something, and 2 hours later. We all had our tickets to fly to USA..
I cancelled my 9/11 ticket, packed my last suitcase, and i was ready to leave china...
I could not hold back my tears. I cried all night. I cried due to multiple reasons. Biggest reason was- I knew I will not be able to see my amazing son Gabriel till summer 2017. I started to feel like a failure. Because sons always need their moms. I was always near by. Never missed his concerts, never missed his parent teacher conferences, never missed any milestones in his life... ANd now here I am.. I am going to miss his face..... In stage.. Performing, ... seeking for my face in the sea of moms and dads... ANd I am not there... Will he hate me? Will he hold it against me in future? Will he keep his feelings downlow and become rebellious teenager? I had to many questions.....
And while I was thinking all about those questions. I fell asleep briefly... Maybe for 4 hours... ANd then it was time to get my ass up and stare my mirror.... Person who stared back at me, I did not like... She was scared, she was sad, she was overwhelmed, she was not herself at that moment...... I could not even look at myself... I was so scared..
At age 38 you are not supposed to be scared.. You supposed to be strong independent woman . Right? The ones society keeps talking about....
ANyway... I am actually that SIW. Oh hell yeah I am. Give birth to 2 amazing kids. Watch Jesus claim one at age 10..... Divorce few year later. And Now LEAVE my son to CHINA, with my ex, who is great father.. BTW.... Please don't call him dead beat dad. He ain't that... SO... Everything really comes in trees.... 3 worst things in my life have happened.... Loosing my daughter, loosing my marriage, and walking away from my son... FYI-- single female in late 30s has nothing to do in china... after her mission is completed.... Get out.... I never planed to apart from my son... But I realized... I wan't to be in strong loving relationship.. And I don't want to do it in china.. HANGZHOU.... No quality singles... for my caliber... There area quality people... BUT . Asia is not my final destination..... SO... Gabriel is 15 now. He is smart, talented and ready to take this world by storm. He knows, his mother and father love him, and one day , his step siblings will look up to him. He is rolemodel to so many people... Loose a sister at age 8 can't be easy... His sister was his best friend and mentor.... And I can only imagine how much he is still to this day is hurting inside.... And hopefully one day, He can do make a difference in many peoples lives. and I am sure, he already has.... :)
SO now... I am here... Scared. and uncertain what future holds. But I still have my dreams... I am still daredevil.... WHo the fuck would just say... HEY... I am moving now.. .and here I am... Still work in progress. And hopefully one day, there will be person next to me who would kiss me good morning every mornings- With love in his eyes.
Till then .. I just work on myself, creating my own empire, and staying 110% honest with who I am . Because if you don't know who you are, how do you know who are people surrounding you.....
XO.. to be continued..... Stay amazing... More love is on its way....
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