One step at a time.

 One of my favorite sayings is-"Life has a funny sense of humor."  Why I say it is because  is, I have everything great happening in my life. I really have nothing to complain about. And for a split second, meaning for about 7 months I had about everything I had ever wished for.  Great life, good friends, roof over head, food on table, and man I loved with all my heart...  To be honest I still love him.   And wish him all the best in life, and I hope he finds what it is he is searching for. But  I realized at one point in my relationship It was not me.   If you have to start protecting your honor , your visions, and your integrity  and most of all your reputation- then there is nothing much else to do than to start  moving on.   He is not by any means bad person, but  I need a Man, confident, secure, independent, but most of all respectful one.     He has all potentials to be the one , in one day, but sadly, I guess it is not me.  I wish him all the best in life, and hope one day he sees it is not all about Him.....     God is in control and because of that , I know deep in my heart I made right decision  once in my life to move away from what made me feel down and trapped.

Beginning of every relationship is perfect.  But it is what you make it in a long run...... ANd I want successful relationship .  The kind of relationship you don't have to worry about what you will say in the morning, what will you wear to places, how you would hold hands in certain places and so on.... I want man who is secure with himself.....

And when time is right... I will get over him. I will...

Right now I am just thinking about my move.  It is still scary. It does not matter how much I think about it, or how much I plan.   Scariest of them is all getting a job.   I am 38.  My experience has been my family. Taking care of kids and house.  Staying on top of everything, and now at this age going back to usa. It is  frightening .   I don't have impressive resume to show to anyone.  Nobody hires you because of life experiences, but one thing I know. I will be alright.  And how I know it is because , I am not alone .  God is right next to me.  I have ignored him in past, but not anymore.  I would not have survived without Him.  Looking back at my life, He was there every step of the way for me, but i was ignorant. Missing the signs.   In a way, because of Him, I have been able to stay as humble as I am.  Without Him  I'd be broken to tiny little pieces again, and unable to pick myself up  for a long time.  Without him - I'd be lost. But I'm not lost anymore.   of course, we are finding ourselves till the day we die...  and that is the truth.  By lost I mean- not lost in this  yada yada yada.  I see, i feel, i function and most importantly - I am still happy.

 So , tonight.. I toast for new beginnings.  Never be afraid.