She would not like to be like most girls....

This is the year - Regina would graduate High School... And this would be the last year for me to obsessively post about how I feel about my baby......  I am letting it go... I have to let it go. I have to make peace with it... I have to let her rest in peace..... And finally I found her a place to rest....

  I have had many dreams about her over the years...

WHen I lived in Asia, I almost never dreamed about her...

But when I moved back, it got out of control...   I dreamed about Regina about 2 times in ever y week.. . it was too much for me to handle...  But dreams would never stop.

 There were - and still are times I wake up in cold sweat   seeing her Gebe and her playing .. There are times I see dreams I see me getting  little frustrated with her--meaning me trying to teach her how to read or do math, or "forcing"  her into research program  she did not choose, but it was best bet for her....

 I will always feel it all....   I would feel every emotion  I ever hear from every parent going through having  their child getting sick... ..

But at this moment .. .I see my   beautiful Regina  going to prom,heading off to University.... having a boyfriend... ....



and and and....

I want my People reminding me I have a son who needs me equally as much...



I am well aware what is happening in my life....

One thing I want to tell you is... As much I want to leave this all behind...  Never talk about it, etc... It is not my thing...


SHe is here... I feel Her every day next to me...

Never tell me it will get better.. ........  Loose  your child.. then chat with me about these topics......




                               

I can fix me up....

"My life journey is what it is.
I have lived a life , but my life is not over. "These are the words I just told someone who questioned my well being.....

Past year I have been struggling to write, because  I have got lot of BS from people to my face and privately about what I should be, instead what I am ....  Seems like everybody knows more about me, than I do... ...

Don't get me wrong... I love a good advice.  I take it into consideration but apply to my life, when there is need for that . We all live a life that is given to us , and we all have different demons to fight. ...

 I have been actually struggling with lot of other things to.  But I am happy to say , One thing I am not struggling anymore is -- 'Me'.  Going from divorce to Single mom-- is hard...

Then.. Divorce- single mom- single.....  That is even harder....  But it is doable...  Nothing changes..

Now I am ex wife... But I am still mom... I always will be mom.. BUT I am not HANDS on mom...


 Which means -- I am back in beginning...  With scars only few can understand....


And I am slowly withdrawing myself from who do not see me...

It is hardest one of them all... But it has to be done as well :)

Live the life you feel is designed for you, not the life  people around you think is meant for you.....
Make your own mistakes, have your adventures, laugh about jokes that make you laugh, don't care what others say, date who you wanna date, take care of your kids the way it works for you....

LOVE YOU the way no one else can LOVE YOU !!!

Peace and Love to you all.....

Just let it be..

( This post is just weird ... ever for me ;))

I don't remember...

 I can't point a finger on what made me ME....
But I remember the day I accepted my faith in November TWO THOUSAND AND SEVEN.... Maybe that was it?

 I don't know?
 I was fresh out of "country side"...  Met someone fresh  out of divorce,/ Ph.d degree and "shit"...

19 year old me ..... of course it was exciting...But I had no idea , this is the life I would one day love to live... ....


 fast forward to now...


  I Remember every moment from 09/20/2009... till now... ANd before that... lets rewind it all to till 1997...  Yes.... it has been my life and my memories.. and flash backs... .

How could I forget...



I had 2 amazing kids, had interesting marriage  for about 14 years, . .. And to this date I have been a mom  for 18 years...

It has not been an easy ride... There are days, I wish I was not me..

There r days, I wish I did not exist.. There r days I wish I could ... . ... ....

There are days I wish I could show my emotions as raw as they are in me, and everyone would understand...

There are days people would not tell me they get it... ( because they don't)

There are days  I wish  people just leave me alone..

There are days people did not expect anything from me...

And with that all said... I wish my Friends would not turn away from me when I do not return their messages for days...

One of the reasons I have trust issues...

I don't really have them anymore, but I don't give a crap about being in a relationship ( you know one of those where you can annoy each other with bad breath, and farts, and open door bathroom visits... And cuddles.... I do miss cuddles...... )..


But I was just thinking back to couple of my relationships and , chats with guys, and I realized...   I am  going to be single till the day, someone appreciates me...  Does not matter what I do...


 But back to trust issue shit....  When I was married to my ex husband ( most of you know he is Chinese)... He would constantly tell me, he does not like Chinese women/ girl/ whores/ or whatever other vagina owning  living things)... But  interestingly enough  he only had affairs with Asian, and is now in happy ( i hope they are happy) relationship with Chinese woman and has 2 new kids.....  Adorable ones I must say :D

Then I dated this guy, who always said, OH NOOO, i can't stand black girls/ woman ( he was black himself)... ANd I just laughed inside.... PLEASE STOP THIS NONSENSE... A
And then I dated someone else  who was black, who said exact same thing, and he is in a relationship with AMAZING beautiful Black girl right now... SO .. I guess my superpower is... I am Crazy white girl, and I turn them back to dating their own race :D        

Yeah, I have  trust issues... NEVER tell me anything bad about your exes...   THere was a reason you were with them at first place, sometimes even spent years with them...  There is a reason you trusted them, there was a reason, you fell in love with them... And yes, there was a reason your relationship fell apart... But don't let that over shine all the goodness they brought to your life.... BTW... my friends know all the shit about my amazing exes too....     And sometimes I wish, I made smarter choices...  But heck with it :D  

We are all crazy in our own way....  

I know there are few females out there thinking I am the worst person in  this universe... Because my ex decided to share only the info that would make him the victim....  But the truth is...  it takes 2 to tango .....  it takes 2 to fuck everything up... not one---  but 2!!!!!

With that said...  before I get to know you ... I don't trust you.. even if I do get to know you, I still would not trust you.... .. Bring wine over.... Friends for life........ Namaste

Future...

All you know I write about what I feel about writing about. There  is no flow to my writings... I just write..... And If I get one more email/ message about-  I should be careful what I say, because it could be hurtful or mean, or to open minded... Why?   is my questions? ...

But past few days, I have one thought heavily weighting me down...   Sometimes I choose to suppress it. Sometimes I cry  because of this thought... Sometimes. I look up in to sky and say--- Why am I still dealing with these feelings..... ... And answer every time is...  "Because, you still have something to learn...."...


Even today when I started writing, I absolutely completely forgot , what I was supposed to write. My mind was traveling thousands of miles per second - how can I pay my bills, How, can I meet all my friends in estonia, HOW I could be the best person here in USA to my friends, and HOW I can recognize best of me one of these days...


But one of the most horrible thoughts has never left my mind.... Our offspring... Our kids... Our blood...  Our  everything...


And the most upsetting though on my mind now is...  We don't exactly know the moment we get pregnant... But when we find out, It could be the SCARIEST moment, or the happiest..

I had 2 beautiful pregnancies and , 2 successful births ...  I have amazing almost 16 year old... and I have Forever 10 baby girl, who would turn 18 this year....

From the moment you were born.. NO one  prepares you for life...  Your parents teach you what they know the best, and one day when you fly out of your parents house... YOU find out there are millions of other ways of living....  The moment you give birth to your kids, you NEVER think about loosing them before you..  And when you do loose them at age, they r not supposed to leave this planet.... I started questioning everything in my life.... And I started questioning Relationships in my life as well...


 And fast forward to now.... All I have to say is.... I am still figuring shit out and It is the most amazing feeling to do this...  It feels good to be aware. It feels good to be accepting and empathetic, and caring, but still staying true to yourself.....

One thing I would never ever do is to live according to someone  else's reality...


Meet me halfway Baby.....

I will be 39 in couple of weeks...  For some females this is the number they would settle... For me it is the number... I MADE IT!!!!   I had few moments in my life, I did not want to  MAKE IT!!!!... I pulled through, and I will keep pulling through...

I will find plenty of reasons to wake up every morning and smile ...and ... LIVE at least another  30 years.... :)  


I have to reinvent myself once again..... It is tiring , and taxing,  confusing... but  once again... I AM DOING IT !!!!!     And it fucking hurts......

Im back...

Fuck... Excuse my Estonian...

So, past 17 days, I have been living in my own beautiful new place.  I am beyond happy with apartment complex I chose to to be my home... It is beautiful, it is clean, It is friendly, it is contemporary, hip.. It is like living in a hotel.. BUT without room service... Everything is in here... Even free morning coffee... I just walk to office, and get my cup of Joe...

  My place is small... just 750 sq/ft. just one bedroom bathroom.. living kitchen area and small balcony... and bonus- washer drier in my room...  I love my place...  ANd I LOVE management over here. :)

It is not mile from beach - as I wanted , but it is 6 miles .. and it is only half a mile where everything is , so most nights I walk to barnes and noble to read a magazine or a book...

Price vise... it is expensive compared to china or estonia...  I pay 1945 dollars per month for just apartment ... then extra is gas, water, electricity, parcel, cable, internet, cell,etc.. so lets add about 600 dollars to that 1945.... and then tax...  for living it is about 2700... and then for food and fun lets add other 2000.. so to survive I have to come up monthly 4700... to round it is about 5000.

It is not easy at this moment in my life...  I have to come up with 3000 each month on my own, and at this moment it is not easy... about twice a week I get to sleep most about 8 hours and once in blue moon I get to sleep 12 hours - IF i fall asleep.. in general... 4-5 hours... and then -- i am awake and stressed...


I mentioned numbers because lot of people do not realize, what it means to live in this area.. and where I live, is not THE most expensive.... MY apartment , then full gym( latest equipment), amazing club house,  junior pool, bbq area, 2 hot tubs, and then another smaller pool, and  lounge area.... all included in this price...  IT IS JUST  ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT.... if you are interested where I live , check out http://www.sheaapartments.com/apartments/vantis/


I am living my dream life on a budget....  Alone...  This year- me and myself and I finally agreed to live fulfilling life on our own.  But there Is major but or MHMHMHHHHHMMMM ...  I am not giving up sex...

MYSELF.. I know -I am better person when I have equally messed up King next to me. I know I have tons to give, and at this time and age I have learned to give it all to me :)

Don't get me wrong.. I have not given up on love...  I am just bored with dating... I am bored Dressing up my 180 pounds  of MEEEEE...and what I see on dates. is.... wow.. you have beautiful eyes... ( I do have them)..  LOVE your manicure and pedicure....   Which pretty much tells me... you just want to have a bitch who can take care of themselves, because you cant afford that....

So my question to men is.. WHAT CAN YOU AFFORD?    When will you stop bitching to your friends  about your your NOT SO BASIC BITCH?

 LET me rephrase that... You see us on our first meeting.. all dressed up, hair done, nails done... Make up done...  New dress...purse, shoes....   etc...  JUST first date for us woman costs about minimum 300bdollars...  MINIMUM.... --- I call it a budget bitch.......  nails- pedi/mani- 90 dollars... and dont even talk about the rest...

I don't go to dates anymore...  I actually stopped few months ago...

I chose food .. and wine...  No more feelings involved...

04.01.2017

Not a joke....  I  am not joking...  I made shit happen...  MARCH  30th, 2017.... marks new era in my life...  Got my new place on my own... .. well. I did help my Real estate agent a little ... wink wink... but I am finally in my new apt.. Brand new...   Just straight out of an oven... New.. fresh.. and perfect for me...  Shea apartments is amazing...  I visited this place once,,, and then briefly second time... and  all of a sudden  management and workers here knew my name... ..  I was blown away.....

I lived under IRVINE whatever .. blah blha blah.. for  almost 8 months... they could not remember where I lived, and so on.. and my rent was 1600 dollars more than now... Well it was not last year, but they pumped my rent from 2700 to 3800 ... yes......    Please do not say it is impossible.......'


 SO... I left, thanks to amazing peeps who kept my up to speed what was happening, I found me home....   It is perfect for me.. just 745 sq/ft... and for 1945 dollars per month... brand new...   oh please.. yes... ..Give it to me, and I will accept... i have been here only for 2 days ..  and never felt anywhere more home than here... gym, pool,  neighborhood,  common space, cross the street hotels. gym    aliso viejo Town center with its- opah, stadium brewery, movie theater, TJ MAXX, and so on... and not to mention tons of hiking trails...  I am learning to re love this  hood because i was afraid to stay here.....   And now that I am back in here...  I am glad I am back.. I see Regina everywhere....And I think  She wanted me to be here... we had the HAPPIEST moments here... Her friends are here... Her life is here....... And now... finally . after all these years... Me... the person She chose to be her MOM is here again....  I am back home....