Future...

All you know I write about what I feel about writing about. There  is no flow to my writings... I just write..... And If I get one more email/ message about-  I should be careful what I say, because it could be hurtful or mean, or to open minded... Why?   is my questions? ...

But past few days, I have one thought heavily weighting me down...   Sometimes I choose to suppress it. Sometimes I cry  because of this thought... Sometimes. I look up in to sky and say--- Why am I still dealing with these feelings..... ... And answer every time is...  "Because, you still have something to learn...."...


Even today when I started writing, I absolutely completely forgot , what I was supposed to write. My mind was traveling thousands of miles per second - how can I pay my bills, How, can I meet all my friends in estonia, HOW I could be the best person here in USA to my friends, and HOW I can recognize best of me one of these days...


But one of the most horrible thoughts has never left my mind.... Our offspring... Our kids... Our blood...  Our  everything...


And the most upsetting though on my mind now is...  We don't exactly know the moment we get pregnant... But when we find out, It could be the SCARIEST moment, or the happiest..

I had 2 beautiful pregnancies and , 2 successful births ...  I have amazing almost 16 year old... and I have Forever 10 baby girl, who would turn 18 this year....

From the moment you were born.. NO one  prepares you for life...  Your parents teach you what they know the best, and one day when you fly out of your parents house... YOU find out there are millions of other ways of living....  The moment you give birth to your kids, you NEVER think about loosing them before you..  And when you do loose them at age, they r not supposed to leave this planet.... I started questioning everything in my life.... And I started questioning Relationships in my life as well...


 And fast forward to now.... All I have to say is.... I am still figuring shit out and It is the most amazing feeling to do this...  It feels good to be aware. It feels good to be accepting and empathetic, and caring, but still staying true to yourself.....

One thing I would never ever do is to live according to someone  else's reality...


Meet me halfway Baby.....

I will be 39 in couple of weeks...  For some females this is the number they would settle... For me it is the number... I MADE IT!!!!   I had few moments in my life, I did not want to  MAKE IT!!!!... I pulled through, and I will keep pulling through...

I will find plenty of reasons to wake up every morning and smile ...and ... LIVE at least another  30 years.... :)  


I have to reinvent myself once again..... It is tiring , and taxing,  confusing... but  once again... I AM DOING IT !!!!!     And it fucking hurts......