Thoughts from today...

....  Ask before you assume… ASK before you belittle someone you met briefly. ASK before you jump into conclusions… ASK BEFORE  YOU MADE UP LITTLE STORIES IN YOUR MIND THAT FIT YOUR REALITY….  Be curious. And be accepting and open to receive an answer, that is different from your perception…   And seriously,  be ready to receive no answer at all… 

If you do not want to ask… Stay humble…. 

STAY OPEN… "

Diana...

September.

Today , for a hot second, one of my favorite Instagram pastors posted something, that made me boiling mad.... It was not directed towards me, but I felt personally attacked.  And I still do.

What she said is.. " Look at you! living just fine without the person you thought you needed!. "

I know it was not directed towards me--- ME - MOM , who lost  my firstborn  Child  to cancer 9 years ago- Had divorce almost right after that, and then decided to leave my son  with my ex husband who is now married to mistress he known since 2003?   And I was married to him  since 1998-2015 ( WTF)  And they Since 2015 have had 3 more kids...........  AND YES---  it  all hit a nerve in me.

NOT the part of  me living just fine with the ASSHOLE I thought I needed,

 But me Living without the most amazing Girl who had so much to teach to the world....   I Miss My Girl Regina every day.  EVERY day I find reasons for me to live and carry on.. EVERY day in my life I push myself harder to  get that goal I have in my mind, and every day i Live , I move further away from the  pain I introduced and invited to my life ....   I am Healing...



 And it feels good..... Miss my Guardian angel..... ... Forever in my heart....Forever 10....

Terviseks.

When Was the last time you did something major for yourself? What was it? How did it make you feel?

If you can answer all of these questions with positive outlook... CONGRATS.. You are an happy person....

BUT if you answered last question with an answer--GUILTY--  We have to work on this... We have to work on Y O U!!!

YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT WORKING ON YOURSELF...


I know all about it... I was was people pleaser  for years and years and years... And I did everything for others.. AND there was  absolutely nothing wrong with that..  At least that is what I thought at that very given moment.....But I forgot to be selfish. And it is a MUST in every persons life... YOu have to be selfish for your own good.  You have to be selfish to  survive and help others..

How many of you been inside of an aircraft. Sat down... Heard or read  emergency manual.... What does it say about oxygen masks?   YOU HAVE TO fucking take that mask and push it over your mouth and nose first...  AND THEN HELP OTHERS...


Same principles apply to your life... Help yourself first ...  Give yourself love first. Turn that negative thought into positive... Instead of thinking I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DO THIS, think along the lines... I know someone who has done this... Let me contact her...   Or..  I hate dieting,

AND WITH THAT .. Everything changes... but first. You must accept the fact that you are amazing and deserve the fuck out of this world!!. GO and GET IT!!!! If you read this now, know this... YOu are luckier than most people , you are amazing, you  can accomplish anything you want and YOU ARE FINE!!!!. 

What is your  overall mission statement?!
What are some of your Personal, physical, social, family, career, financial  , educational goals?
Think about them... Write them down... Print it out, or write it out, and use this statement for an about a week... ANd if it feels wrong, change it around till it sticks!!!

Mine overall mission statement is..
My mission is to take action on those areas in my life , I only dared to dream about. I am a woman of many talents , and I am ready to share them with the world.  I will no longer fear rejection and will take all steps/ risks needed to live/ have successful life mentally, spiritually financially.  I am worthy the best of everything..... My journey my rules...

Seasoned and sassy..

 Oh boy... Where do I start...  Before I get all emotional and shit, let me just tell you one thing.... From my last post to NOW, everything has changed... AND I MEAN -- E V E R Y T H I N G-

I  am back in college of course. AND LET ME TELL YOU.. Age 40 I graduated with with    A's... Well, one course was B, but not because study...  one day I had to take my friend to doctors office, and his appointment  was past his time... And then I got flat tires, and when I got home, my course was already half done,  and that was 100 credit class..> COOKING AND RECIPE MODIFICATION!!!.  That was another AHAAAA moment in my life when I realized,,, I got to put myself first..... But anyway.... Looking forward to my fall semester... College is so much fun, and information I am learning right now is mind blowing... I see some 20 year olds at a class, and they can't understand what they are learning...   All I do is smile and think to myself... Trust me,, you will get it one day ;)

Something in me snapped, "DING, DING, DING, DING" sound came on, and LIFE as it best started happening... I could not have asked for the best 5 months in my life... I did not see the things that have happened coming  but I can finally see the future that Is meant for me happening...  As I am typing this, I am getting little teary eyed because for years I have lost my vision, and I searched it all wrong places, till  The force lead me to one amazing place I always underestimated.... Church...
Don't get me wrong... I have been to Church for many times. I grew up going to church in Estonia.. NOT every sunday, but Church was part of our upbringing....  I just liked it because I got to see all the relatives and family and friends at church at those occasions when I went... It was so much fun....

So I joined Becoming Church family. And It has been the best blessing in my life ( beside my kids of course) to the date.  I will definitely write more about my Becoming family in laters posts, but let me tell you what has happened sense...

I scored a job that is perfect fit for me.   It was not the position applied for, but as I am growing  , I am realizing, THIS is the greatest fit for me. I love my Team!!! It has been amazing growing platform and an eyeopening experience and I want to learn more.
 Prior to that I applied so many jobs and I always got NO, you are not a good fit for our store, or office, or coffee shop or whatever...  And that can be discouraging .
Anyway.. I work for "AMAZON" now... Well, It is Whole food grocery store, actually, but since amazon owns it, I am Amazonian now.. ( people have called me AMAZON woman  before, so  Now I AM FINALLY ONE... How Ironic...lol.. :)  I tell you honestly, I am so grateful for this job.  It is not easy, and in the end of the night my legs hurt, my feet hurt, my hands hurt... BUT MY MIND--- it is different story.. It is at peace. I am exactly where GOD wants me to be. And I have a job!!. It only took me year and a half to get it, but I DID NOT GIVE UP!!!...  Job is a job!!!.

I just want to share you one story  about WHY I do what I do...  2 days ago one of  WF repeat customers came back and out of a blue, before he started ordering he said-- "I WANT TO THANK YOU from bottom of my heart . COuple of weeks ago I came to the store and you were closing your section, and food was all in trollies, but you took time to help me to get what I need, and you were patient and kind and I just want you to know, I really appreciate you. " 

MOMENTS like that  just make me want to pull out box of tissues and weep for a hot second...  And it is only one of many  feedbacks I have received during my 2 and half month work at whole foods...

Yes, there are those who come and yell, and complain and nothing is never right, and food is wrong, and I am wrong... And I decided, I am not going to give power to that anymore...  It is not my fault, you did not get laid last night. ;)... hahah :D Just Saying....

AND  one more thing... I work in a MENS world... I only have one female team leader..  TRUST me, it is frustrating at times...   But I just have to remember to breathe in, and remind myself this too is temporary ;)

 ... WAIT... story is not over.... Church-- check.... JOB- Check.... Time for hobbies ... CHECK........
Starting my own FINANCIAL FREEDOM... C H E C K.........

YESSS!!!!!  I finally  have become THE CRAZY OIL LADY.. I had no intentions becoming that, but  it has taken edge off of me..

I started just thinking... EHHH. starter kit is all I need...  2 months into it... MY whole thinking about oils and life and friends, and freedom, and people has changed.. I LOVE  our oils... Young Living has transformed my homelife..  I got Oil for everything.  Seriously... And that is just a start for me.. I am supper passionate about this and  I can't wait to share my Oily love for you ;) lol

I am making candles, taking hot oily baths, face treatments,   etc......  Chillaxing... and it is all because of I was introduced to oils.... It is my TIME!!!


For years people tried to get me sell their products, but after month  I lost trust in the product... I got heart palpitations, mood changes, mood swings,  skin rashes, etc... And I was like.. NO SHAKE FOR ME!!!, or no body wraps for me, or noooooo MOOOOREEEEE  un necessary vitamins  .... DONE WIth it!!!.. BUT oily life and toxin free household cleaners.. Is ALl I do for myself now.... It is sooo cool and amazing, and my cat is loving it too :D


There is saying... All bad things are happening at 3's....

Well, I got to say this... ALL great things are happening in 4's or 5's or 6
s or 10's.....  SO many amazing things have happened to me, since I started living and moved on from what does no more good for me....

Gymlife is still amazing. Sadly because of my demanding work schedule, I am not able to commit to it as much, but I am not given up on my  fit journey...   My main goal was to get my MIND FIT...  That happened, and when  that happened, everything else fell into place as well...  One puzzle peace at a time :D  LOVING IT!!!!!

OH and btw.... I SHAVED MY HEAD ;) And I colored it PINK...... MY OWN FREEDOM!!!!... There is no price stamp for that!!!!  Flirty 40's have started my friends..... AND I got a oil for that ;)

 What have you done lately to yourself that makes you smile ?

Fitnasss.. my ass...

Here I am in my cozy bed, but in fucked up bedroom..  I just did 4 loads of laundry and I have no desire to fold it till I am ready in few days...  Helloo single life, do the fuck you want between your 4 walls...  If I don't want to do my laundry today--  I am not going to do it.. If I don't want to mop my floors today... I AM NOT GOING TO MOP THEM.. Does it make me lazy... NO, I am just RELAXED at this point ;). I am not a hoarder and my place is clean, so ...  Laundry can wait, floors can wait... BUT what can not wait is my BOOKS.... I am full time college student, and every day I have some sort of paper due.  I don't let it affect my life in general, but it is my main focus  and goal to be the best I  am. I want to be my own role model in the end of the day. In 2 years I want to finish college, look back and say...  YOU MADE IT!!!  It is hard, but doable..  My mind needs to focus 400% more at this time and age. 
I am stubborn as fuck.   But one thing I had to let go when I started my college journey  was- BEING stubborn about learning new things.. I am re learning everything at this point. Times have changed,  patterns have changed, diets have changed... BUT what has remained the same is.... BASIC foods and  our relationship to food...   We all are still addicted to food. We try to find ways to get away with our addiction to food, but if you are not in amazing shape or have 40% of body fat -- you better watch out your calorie intake... 

Carbs, fats and protein have to  be indigested in harmony.
1 gram of carbs=4 cal
1 gram of protein =4 cal
1 gram of fat =9  cal.

eat minimum  135 grams of carbs(540 cal) per day.. IT keeps your brain active. Do not listen to fad diets. If you are not bikini  body competitor... whatever.. NOT MY THING....... BUT - drop this shit and have your carbs...  Carbs do store more water  but its ok!!!!  CHoose your carbs wisely.... ;)
and about 144 grams of protein( 576 cal). These are just resting metabolic rate numbers... Meaning I DO NOT HAVE to work out to loose weight. THis is for maintaining weight......  these numbers are low.
I weigh 172 lbs..=78 kilos.   i should be eating in daily about 1440 calories for maintaining my weight...  To loose , without adding any workouts, I should be consuming 1200 cal( never drop below this number)... 

TO show you my progress... In september 2017 I weight 205 pounds... In February 2018 I weigh  172 pounds.... It is slow progress, but i am moving in right direction.

 Anyway...

Stop fad diets. STOP listening to tv and newspapers and  magazines about next best thing...  YOU ARE SHIT BABY!!! YOU ARE BEST EVER... eat your food in balance and  your body will thank you....  IT might seem scary at first, but you know what is scary... Ending up in hospital, doctors telling you- there is nothing we can do for you....   

Make food your friend... rest will follow.... xoxoxo


love....

Calm after a storm....

 I have been in a funk for few past days. Some of it is associated with Regina and Valentiens day-  I just remember the way she used to draw hearts and spread joy and happiness all around her.  And I just misses to pieces.   The other day I wrote Instagram post about it as well... I have so many bottled up feeling inside me when it comes to her.  One of them is all about love. I have so much love in me, that I want to give to her, and I want her to feel it, and not being able to do so, is rough.  My love for my kids is unconditional.  Gabriel and Regina will always be loved equally in my heart. Often times it might seem that I talk more about Regina than Gabriel, and some of you might want to say;" OH, but your son deserves all your attention now." 

I have to disagree there.  He gets my attention , but if I'd give him attention that is not meant for him, it would do more harm for him than good. And with that, i will just leave it there.... We all have our ways of living and loving...

 
Now fast forward to my second reason of feeling little emotional.

 In December 2017 my paths crossed with someone I though does not exist.  He is my Unicorn. Men like HIM  don't exist. At least THEY DID NOT , before he appeared  out of nowhere , without warning.... Just  Being himself.... Just radiating his energy into this universe at his terms ... And I caught it....


Month after our initial meeting we connected, and our teamwork started.   I help him out what he needs on his journey to top, and He trains me to the point I don't know where I am at...

At first, when  I started training with him , I had no feelings towards this situation. I just needed that kind of calm energy around me that he carried with him.

Fast forward to now-- 2 months after our initial meeting. He is my trainer 2 times a week. I have let my guard down and today first time during our workout I let my emotions run wild and I cried . I cried about everything. I cried about  losses in my life, I cried about settling for less and I cried about slowly falling for him.

We chat a lot. And first time in my life I am chatting about Things that matter.. First time in my life I am putting myself first, and   Someone Who i thought could never see me, sees me..  For me, it just blows my mind.  How is it possible, when you  say nothing at all, you say it all same time....

So today I cried. I cried because My  walls/ guard is coming down again. And RJ has  huge part in this part of my journey.   And I wanted to resist it soo bad....


I don't show my emotions a lot.  I laugh, I smile, I joke, I kid, I brush it under the rug, and keep building this wall of mine thicker and stronger... And Then He came along, and I could see the wall I am building getting   weaker and weaker, and trembling here and there and bricks one at a time are falling off from random places....

RJ  was sent into my life to  better it....

And our paths crossed in one reason only...  Never forget where you came from......  make best of it with what you have...

Freedom....

What freedom means to you might not be what freedom means to me.
For some  of you freedom simply is getting away from kids, going to bar, date night, spa, nail salon.. etc...

For some freedom is to go and sleep around  spread lies and hurt people , and do whatever the fuck else  they want. And then they get away with it, because they are so amazing manipulating this freedom of theirs...

For others it might be getting home, taking off all clothes , turning on zen music and just enjoying comfort of being home.. And of course there are those who does not believe that such thing as freedom exists...

We all have our freedoms.... But are you really free?

For me journey to  MY FREEDOM started years ago.  At that time I was not quite sure what I was searching, but I knew I wanted to be "free".  Free does not mean single, or alone, or lonely, or lost, or doing my own thing.  Free for me means-  able to   live my life on my terms, and able to let go whatever does not allow me to blossom and accept it all that feeds my soul the way I don't never have to hide again.

Freedom is a beautiful thing but sadly not everyone understands it.  When I  go to bed at night . Lay my head to pillow. Close my eyes, take a deep breath in, and then breathe out.....  Think about  what my mission is..... And with that... I know I had the best possible day , with the best possible outcome... It does not matter how rough it was-- it was still the best day ever, because I am still alive . I am still breathing and I still have a vision..

Freedom for me means - to be me and to be accepted by others the way I am...  And when you find that tribe of yours... You know you are finally home....

Random dating thoughts.

When I am overly excited and engage a lot in conversations, and send cute messages to guys-- I get a feedback I am to clingy and needy.

When I don't  engage to much,  just nod  my head and stay  just "cool".. I have been called cold and lacking of emotion.

When I am myself, laughing, smiling, happy,  expressing my feelings, talking about my passions... I get told.- YOU ARE PERFECT CATCH, WHY ARE YOU SINGLE?.

And there I am , Fucking single, staring a guy straight into eyes and tell him-- I am FUCKING PICKY....   I know what I want...

For fucks sake-- it is 21st century.. 2018. What does a woman has to do to actually pin down a man? Because this woman here for sure is not willing to settle for some half ass fake , dating 10 girls at a time kind of "boy".   We ether date or we do not. I do not have time for between. 

Why is it a sin to have High standards?  Or being 39 and been told by 50 year old  man-- oh, you are old already...  Why you even think you are worth love?    Seriously? How sad your life has to be to stoop to that kind of level , to belittle woman?

 Blows my mind....

This year, new vibes, new passions, new everything...

Dayum....

Lets just say. I have not done  "real" writing for a while.  I did some emotion driven writing based on whatever emotions I had in me , that were looking for a way out.   time to time we need all  need some sort of  layout .  Vent, bitch and moan... Some  of us turn to friends, some of us  turn to therapy, and some of us turn to sex.  And myself I have turned to myself last year and whatever I missed in my life is  finally manifesting right at this moment.

Everything starting since  from November 2017 to this point at 2018 has been  for some reason miraculously amazing to me.   Beginning every week I though, something will happen that will dim my success... But it never happened... 8 weeks fast forward to now... It just keeps getting better... Every word I have ever put out there to universe about what I wish and need and want and desire , is happening right at this point... I wake up every morning smiling again. I look forward to my days instead of threading them... I pray again. I smile again.

This January has been blessing in every way . And it is not over yet. And most important part of it all is... I AM NOT AFRAID OF GETTING LIFES BLESSINGS ANYMORE. We all get a break at one point in our lives. And mine is finally here.... I think I have done something right .... :)

xo