Holidays......

 I don't know how to put my feelings into words right now.  It hurts to think about it, and i rather not think about it, but if I don't think  and talk about it all, then my feelings will blow up at one point, and someone undeserving will get the best of it...  

And I really don't have  many people i can talk about it, so here I go...

I miss my son .  I miss him to the point that nothing else really matters.   I have great friends around me, and we have good time when we meet, but in the end of the day, I still cant stop missing him . And I guess , these feelings will never go away.  Some days will be easier, other days ..... I don't want to even think about it.....

 I am depressed...  I am am....  and I am doing everything in my power to snap out of it. Holidays are approaching on a speedy manner.  First time in 17 years- I am spending it without  my kids.  THis will be first year, I am not be able to see my son during halloween, thanksgiving and christmas.  I don't see him all year long, but I am big at holidays,  and there was always holiday meal, presents, we managed to have some fun :)

Now - he is in china with his father and half siblings and I am here in USA.  It is just fucking painful even to think about it.  And not to have person next to you who I could share some of my  thoughts and who would tell me everything will be fine  one day is hard...  

I have to be my own best friend in a way. And just deal with it the best I can.  But there are moments I just dont want to deal with it anymore. l just want to stay in my bed, pull covers over my head, and  hope it will all pass without me not paying attention to it.   But thats not how life works..

So , right now, One day at a time, and  hoping I'm not forgetting to breathe...


Im just having one of those days.... thats it... just one these days.......