Don't lie...

To recognize the light in me, dig deep in your dark fucked up soul, close your eyes , take a deep breath in...., count In 4- breathe out........ feel relaxed......open your eyes and ask yourself- are you ready to rip open  my barely healed  half stitched wounds? Do you want to see what I have seen , what I have felt, what I have heard, what I have learned, ? Are you ready to see me,feel me, hear me, grow with me?

Holidays......

 I don't know how to put my feelings into words right now.  It hurts to think about it, and i rather not think about it, but if I don't think  and talk about it all, then my feelings will blow up at one point, and someone undeserving will get the best of it...  

And I really don't have  many people i can talk about it, so here I go...

I miss my son .  I miss him to the point that nothing else really matters.   I have great friends around me, and we have good time when we meet, but in the end of the day, I still cant stop missing him . And I guess , these feelings will never go away.  Some days will be easier, other days ..... I don't want to even think about it.....

 I am depressed...  I am am....  and I am doing everything in my power to snap out of it. Holidays are approaching on a speedy manner.  First time in 17 years- I am spending it without  my kids.  THis will be first year, I am not be able to see my son during halloween, thanksgiving and christmas.  I don't see him all year long, but I am big at holidays,  and there was always holiday meal, presents, we managed to have some fun :)

Now - he is in china with his father and half siblings and I am here in USA.  It is just fucking painful even to think about it.  And not to have person next to you who I could share some of my  thoughts and who would tell me everything will be fine  one day is hard...  

I have to be my own best friend in a way. And just deal with it the best I can.  But there are moments I just dont want to deal with it anymore. l just want to stay in my bed, pull covers over my head, and  hope it will all pass without me not paying attention to it.   But thats not how life works..

So , right now, One day at a time, and  hoping I'm not forgetting to breathe...


Im just having one of those days.... thats it... just one these days.......

Beautiful life happens, when beautiful soul is free....

This post is up close and personal.  It is something I have  been thinking about a lot lately.  It is about sex, or actually not having sex in my life at all.  It is not something I crave or need , but it is eventually something I would want to have again.

It is 10th of October, 2016 and it is 21st century. People are open and honest about sex, or they try to be.  So am i.

Last time I  was sexually active with someone   was in middle of May, in foreign country, . I was was in love and same time I loved the person who meant the world for me and it meant something... Last time I did have sex I did not enjoy it.  It was just empty, and it was His need, not mine.    He had lost passion, and I felt sad for us.   It was not something I did, but it was something, he  thought I would be, and  I knew in my mind,  I will not be that size 6, fake boobs,  hourglass figure never for him..... He had an idea how would I look one day, and that is what  was so wrong....  I knew our end was near... I felt it in every cell in my body, and my mind was present,   But I kept quiet....

 When it comes to my thinking and mind , I am little different.   At 38 years old, I  should have most amazing sexual life ever and not care... I should be out  getting numbers, flirting... But I don't.  Right now, I am having the best relationship with myself, and I am not going to give myself to someone who tells me they find me attractive, or sexy, or hot, or amazing ...     and they say those things only for their advantage- in hopes I am going to fall for it.....   It is not that easy.

      I have been talking to people. I have been out on dates.  And I have been thinking about starting my sexual  journeys again, but so far no one amazing enough has come to my way.   And it is ok.

 Sex complicates things. And guys these days ( or actually over the decades are great making it complicated...  THeY WOULD SAY ANYTHING...  a n y t h i n g....  to get into your pants.....  And I really mean anything... All inspirational and self help websites educate the one what to say, how to behave, how to get a woman... and I have read tons of those that are meant for men...  All I do is, take few deep breaths in, let little less out, and read it again, to see if I got it right... It is ridiculous. Social media, free websites, "inspirational" quotes, etc, make it very easy for everyone to have an access to information and miss use  it towards male/female...  So in the end of the day, I have very hard time processing what is real what is not.... So we females or guys, have to come up with more creative ways asking questions, to see if the person if interest is here for right reasons.

While I am typing this, my mind is already fried, and I want to sleep  and not thi nk about dating ...And it all will lead  to same thing..--- , " HEY GURRRLLLL, send me naked pic of you.........  or a portion of your nakedness....


all I got a say at this point is... I like old school.... Picnic with cheese and chard or pinot or both , walk at the beach, art gallery, amazing night views, sunsets,  star gazing,  movie nights,   ( preferably horror movies, so I can  grab your leg with my 10 fingers.... ) recording studio , so we can make our first fucked up song - so what we can't sing...... Goint to bridal shops and dressing up as groom and bride just for fun- but choosing the worst outfits at that store..,  dance lessons,  or just simple gas station hot dogs with no nutritional value ... and more flowers............. flowers...yellow tulips, roses, daffodils, and finally--- one that would win a heart of mine--- SAUNA ...

I have to get me my own sauna....      and lake.....


 Anyways, I just got carried away.... best dates in my mind are the ones when 2 people come together, and nothing else matters. :)  

...

Age of Adeline.....

I watched this fascinating movie tonight.... I was mesmerized by it.  Everybody can translate it the way they want, but for me it sounded and looked like this.... You might  be running from your life  as many times as you wish, lie, cheat,  hurt people and accept hurt from others,,,one might feel that time has stopped, and and one would still run feeling forever young, forever able........   ... But you just keep running, and running and running... Till someone comes along ..w

Till someone comes along and you want to be everything to that someone..  That someone who changes your reality...And you will no longer run or hide, you become your best self ever,  and night after night you would only want to run into the arms of that person, because, that is why at first place, you never settled for anything else.....


 ...

...

Drop in the ocean... That is how I feel at times...  i feel like a drop in the ocean..  I see myself getting lost in the waves of life...  Lost and confused.. melting into what surrounds me... And then I remember... I am not  supposed to blend in, I am supposed to shine ....  

And  take a deep breath in... and I take a step, and another, and one more.. and I pull myself out whatever tries to drag me down... or pull me under... 

no more ....

di