Welcome to House of Chaos..

Few things have changed  over here. I adopted cute kitty.  When I was in the midst of my mental breakdown, I just realized I can't be alone . And I checked into local shelters for pets for adoption. I was interested in female kitten...  As I started scrolling down, there she was.... 2 and half months old and her name was listed REGINA....  I contacted shelter, paid 150 dollar adoption fee, and  now I am mewmma :D  I call her Gigi, and she is a riot... BTW.. She was the least cute kitty at the shelter, but  she was meant for me. . Sadly, I do have pretty bad cat allergy and have to take meds , but at this point it is ok. I am not asthmatic .  Which is good news.....  We get along great, and she is great little ray of sunshine :D Helps me with my anxiety  a lot :D

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Second huge change is...  Lot of you know , that I started working out with personal trainer.. But she is doing more for me than just helping me get in shape.  She is like my mental organizer.  When I walked through gym doors, I was complete mess. I worked out every day sometimes 2 hours at a time.. I ate healthy, I did not cheat with my meals,  I drank no more than 2 glasses of wine per night, but once in a while did have saturday nigh binge drinking with friends... 

  When I signed up with my gym, I was assigned personal trainer.  I did not know who she was,  I did not know If i'd like her, and I did not even actually think I will sign up for personal training sessions....  It was just too expensive for me, and I though I have to give up a lot to afford her....

From the first moment on when I met her, I liked her energy.  I can't explain it.  She moved me. Her whole presence moved me...  After she weighed me and measured me, she asked me to tell her my story. j I usually don't start crying right away, because I am so used to telling my story, but at that moment when she asked for it, something in me  cracked, and I broke down and I told her short version of my story..   Tears just kept flowing, and  I knew She was placed into my life for a reason. WHile I was telling her my story, I had made up my mind to hire her as my personal trainer for 16 sessions..  

We have had 4 sessions..  When I first started I was soo closed down emotionally, physically.  My body was holding into every ounce of food I ate...  It did not matter what I did, it just ketp piling up...  She opened something in me, and after 2 sessions with her , I started feeling like newer better version of me.   

It was the things she said, routed me back to tracks I was supposed to be on. But life choices, relationships , toxic friendships, people  I allowed to  walk all over me and my own mind- just threw me off rails for a while....

I still get teary eyed in beginning of every workout, but I channel those tears into fixing myself, and getting my healthy mindset back. To much shit has happened in my life and I have to somehow forgive myself, for allowing that to happen...   

At least  I am on a right track :)

 I believe Kim is - what everyone needs in their life... That voice that whispers you-- it's all in you.. Dig deeper... You got this... ..

 Also, I  had another huge Ahaaa... moment .. But I will write about more, when I am 200% sure  it really was AHAAAAAAAA moment.....

BTW...  All of you who are reading this..   I am just looking for support :D   I have all the answers, and I just need little UMphhhhhh once in a while to  push me another level......

love...xoxo

Bitch, Please!!!

Well, title to this post is very general. I use those 2 words at least 100 times through out the day, but I do not say it out loud.  I may hum a little when I say it, but... I keep it to myself...hahah .. I actually wanted to make this Instagram post, and be super inspirational and shit, but decided to blog it instead.


So, I have an accent. Those of you who have met me  know this. I might use words incorrectly, or make up my own words randomly, if word does not come to me. SOme of my sentences are built so wrong, even I don't understand what I am saying, but I just don't care.

I just want to make a quick point about something.  Because I have an accent, I am not a moron.  I am not stupid. I am not the one you should take advantage of, or pour your heart out..

I am HUMAN first. I have feelings, thoughts, hobbies, life, family, my own opinion,  etc... For  you to think of me lesser, because of my broken english or judge me based of how thick my accent is, says lot about you...  How many languages you speak yourself before you start judging me or other  people with accents?  tell me please?.. OH, you say you speak spanish.. PLEASE!!! LET IT OUT, and let me find a   native spanish speaker to judge you and  your accent.... How does that feel now...

THen you might say.. But you live in usa.. You should not have accent like this...  And then I might totally get all hot inside and little crazy etc...  And I might say - just to annoy you.... YOu know what... Drop  your  pants...  I wanna see  your tiny sad dick with no balls where most of your   empathy and understanding  comes for others...

WIth that said...... All I really want in this world is.. TO have understanding and love for one another.   We all live on the same planet.  Why not accept and understand one another's differences and grow from it, instead of spreading hate everywhere?  I know, I sound naive now.. But what is left there to wish these days.  I am so sad, that people walk around their head stuck in their asses and behaving like ones...


I am just angry today.........

Breathe in , breathe out...

.... This is pretty much how I have been surviving here for a while..
I admit.. I am fuming  middle aged mess, but I am still HOT... ... mess....  lol

One of the things that gave me peace this month is-- Reginas memorial maker was finally completed, and installed..

Promised 16 days from company , turned into 60 something stressful days..  They made major mistakes in design and spelling errors. ...   I stressed over an issue, I should have never  ever spent a second stressing over....   Lady, who I contacted , was legit, and her company had done thousands of markers..... But maybe that is a problem... she lost passion..........She had one job, and she should have done it right. But long story short.. Reginas memorial maker is beautiful. And she is resting peacefully at El Toro Memorial park...  

I have been told once or twice after Reginas passing that I should be grateful that I had experienced motherhood at such young age And That I was married before, and that I have lived good life and  yada yada yada....  It almost feels like people have no compassion anymore...  No common sense ether...

All I have to say to this kind of "love and care" is.  I appreciate your input ....  I am happy, that only thing in life you have to worry about is...  You did not get a full scoop of ice cream. ;)

Love one another. THere is so much hate in this world already.  Find your tribe ,  appreciate it...  Help one another.  Guide those who are lost.  Mentor someone... HUG  if that is what you can do at any given moment... Make someone smile... Give honest compliment.    Do not forget to love yourself.     And .... Don't be afraid to be  YOU.... .... That is what I learned from Regina.... ..... xoxox

YOU

 I want honesty-- that kind of honesty, that makes me  take a deep breath in  .. and pause for a sec, and then breathe out  and say.. yup.. that is what I wanted to hear....


I want love... I want love that is meant for me...

I want someone look into my eyes--  and all I feel  , is that  look, was the look  was given just for me...

I want kisses-- the ones that leave me weak to my knees...  the ones, I keep my eyes open just to see you enjoying every second of it...


I want You..... The one -I never saw coming.....  Y -O -U....

I am weirdo.....

Feelings--- I don't think I have many of those "feeling things" left... Just saying...

Happy Birthday to my son....

My  Second born is turning 16 in 42 minutes... He was born on june 22nd , just 22 minutes after midnight.   He is perfect in every aspect..

He loves pasta, and macaroni and cheese, and corn dogs..  And sushi and sashimi and Japanese curries... He loves his games and cosplay.

After introducing him to piano and ukulele and guitar... He chose drums as his choice of instrument and he has been successfully playing them in school concerts ...

He loves building robots, and arguing , and being right... Don't even try to debate him.. He will talk  you to death... I am not lying... That is him.....

 He is turning 16 .. and I have not seen him since september.

Not a day has gone by , that I have not thought about him..  Not a moment... He is always in my mind..  I know he is in excellent hands. I know My ex and his new miss are taking good care of him..  But as a mother....   I know I would have been taken better care of him :)    

Lot of people have asked me, if judge ordered that etc.. etc... NO...  I made conscious decision mycelf to return to states without him..  Me and my ex did not use lawyers or mediators, or  other stupid legal shit people do here.... We did 2 week las vegas divorce...


So, please , do not ever judge me from your standpoint....  We all live our lives the way it works to us...   And as hard as it to admit right now... THis works for me.

But I came to another scary realization ... I completely understand how fathers , who had to give up to their children  because of court order feel....     You will never stop worrying and wondering, and praying, and wishing them the best....   I have compassion and love to every parent who had to make this decision, or decision was made for them....  KEEP  YOUR CHIN UP!!!!!     Keep your mind and thoughts positive, and everything will be ok ......    And  tell your loved ones you care about them, or love them, or miss them, .. And mean it...... xoxoxo... ALways mean it.....

Hi... How are you?

 Once in a blue moon, when someone asks this questions my eyes light up...

TOday for instance,  I went to  Trader Joes, and It is my favorite grocery store to shop at for my  grocery needs.  I bought a bottle of pinot, low sodium turkey, hummus and case of water... Before that of course cashier would ask me- "HOW ARE YOU, YOU look  great, love your hair"....  And that just made my day.    I did have amazing day today, managed to have great workout at gym, and run tons of errands and then did sunset hike.. SO when she asked 9.30 pm about my day,  I just started glowing...  And I told her...  it was amazing day and I am about to head home have some wine , eat turkey and listen to tons of music... And she started laughing and said... She will skip the turkey, but can't wait to be reunited with wine and  dinner....   And that is why I love Trader Joes...  Every time I go there - even to buy a bag of chips, some worker has something to say about it, or suggest perfect snack combo to go with it.. and they are always on point...

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE TRADER JOES!!!!! I think maybe that is one of the reasons I wanted to move back to USA from China....


 But how am i really ... In reality, I am living one day at a time, ....  I am trying to spend as much time in nature as possible, because I realized , that is what makes my mind calm, relaxed . I am not overthinking , I am not obsessing, I am not sad, I am not anxious when I am near natural mother nature...   I have been making conscious choices that would benefit my well being, and I am happy universe has been co-operative....

Same time... I do miss going dancing... Loud music is therapeutic as well.. Dancing it all out... Being one with the rhythm... I just wish I had that perfect partner to go out to LET IT OUT!!! SO sometimes late at night, I put on my high heels, my fave dress  .. find my Beats, and let my music take over  every sense that is alert and active..... I dance it out...   And I fall asleep smile on my face :)

I do what works for me...    You do too....   Getting to know who I am has been pretty damn amazing journey....  And it is not over....   I will always be a hot mess...   But I want to be hotter mess :D   I want to be more selfless.. more free, more caring, more appreciative, more confident, more loving, more accepting, more trusting... And last but not least-- More ME....

xo..  just my 5 cents for tonight....... I want to be more fabulous.......

oh.... if you wish to see my Instagram feed.. my ID is  dontmesswithdiana