Fitnasss.. my ass...

Here I am in my cozy bed, but in fucked up bedroom..  I just did 4 loads of laundry and I have no desire to fold it till I am ready in few days...  Helloo single life, do the fuck you want between your 4 walls...  If I don't want to do my laundry today--  I am not going to do it.. If I don't want to mop my floors today... I AM NOT GOING TO MOP THEM.. Does it make me lazy... NO, I am just RELAXED at this point ;). I am not a hoarder and my place is clean, so ...  Laundry can wait, floors can wait... BUT what can not wait is my BOOKS.... I am full time college student, and every day I have some sort of paper due.  I don't let it affect my life in general, but it is my main focus  and goal to be the best I  am. I want to be my own role model in the end of the day. In 2 years I want to finish college, look back and say...  YOU MADE IT!!!  It is hard, but doable..  My mind needs to focus 400% more at this time and age. 
I am stubborn as fuck.   But one thing I had to let go when I started my college journey  was- BEING stubborn about learning new things.. I am re learning everything at this point. Times have changed,  patterns have changed, diets have changed... BUT what has remained the same is.... BASIC foods and  our relationship to food...   We all are still addicted to food. We try to find ways to get away with our addiction to food, but if you are not in amazing shape or have 40% of body fat -- you better watch out your calorie intake... 

Carbs, fats and protein have to  be indigested in harmony.
1 gram of carbs=4 cal
1 gram of protein =4 cal
1 gram of fat =9  cal.

eat minimum  135 grams of carbs(540 cal) per day.. IT keeps your brain active. Do not listen to fad diets. If you are not bikini  body competitor... whatever.. NOT MY THING....... BUT - drop this shit and have your carbs...  Carbs do store more water  but its ok!!!!  CHoose your carbs wisely.... ;)
and about 144 grams of protein( 576 cal). These are just resting metabolic rate numbers... Meaning I DO NOT HAVE to work out to loose weight. THis is for maintaining weight......  these numbers are low.
I weigh 172 lbs..=78 kilos.   i should be eating in daily about 1440 calories for maintaining my weight...  To loose , without adding any workouts, I should be consuming 1200 cal( never drop below this number)... 

TO show you my progress... In september 2017 I weight 205 pounds... In February 2018 I weigh  172 pounds.... It is slow progress, but i am moving in right direction.

 Anyway...

Stop fad diets. STOP listening to tv and newspapers and  magazines about next best thing...  YOU ARE SHIT BABY!!! YOU ARE BEST EVER... eat your food in balance and  your body will thank you....  IT might seem scary at first, but you know what is scary... Ending up in hospital, doctors telling you- there is nothing we can do for you....   

Make food your friend... rest will follow.... xoxoxo


love....

Calm after a storm....

 I have been in a funk for few past days. Some of it is associated with Regina and Valentiens day-  I just remember the way she used to draw hearts and spread joy and happiness all around her.  And I just misses to pieces.   The other day I wrote Instagram post about it as well... I have so many bottled up feeling inside me when it comes to her.  One of them is all about love. I have so much love in me, that I want to give to her, and I want her to feel it, and not being able to do so, is rough.  My love for my kids is unconditional.  Gabriel and Regina will always be loved equally in my heart. Often times it might seem that I talk more about Regina than Gabriel, and some of you might want to say;" OH, but your son deserves all your attention now." 

I have to disagree there.  He gets my attention , but if I'd give him attention that is not meant for him, it would do more harm for him than good. And with that, i will just leave it there.... We all have our ways of living and loving...

 
Now fast forward to my second reason of feeling little emotional.

 In December 2017 my paths crossed with someone I though does not exist.  He is my Unicorn. Men like HIM  don't exist. At least THEY DID NOT , before he appeared  out of nowhere , without warning.... Just  Being himself.... Just radiating his energy into this universe at his terms ... And I caught it....


Month after our initial meeting we connected, and our teamwork started.   I help him out what he needs on his journey to top, and He trains me to the point I don't know where I am at...

At first, when  I started training with him , I had no feelings towards this situation. I just needed that kind of calm energy around me that he carried with him.

Fast forward to now-- 2 months after our initial meeting. He is my trainer 2 times a week. I have let my guard down and today first time during our workout I let my emotions run wild and I cried . I cried about everything. I cried about  losses in my life, I cried about settling for less and I cried about slowly falling for him.

We chat a lot. And first time in my life I am chatting about Things that matter.. First time in my life I am putting myself first, and   Someone Who i thought could never see me, sees me..  For me, it just blows my mind.  How is it possible, when you  say nothing at all, you say it all same time....

So today I cried. I cried because My  walls/ guard is coming down again. And RJ has  huge part in this part of my journey.   And I wanted to resist it soo bad....


I don't show my emotions a lot.  I laugh, I smile, I joke, I kid, I brush it under the rug, and keep building this wall of mine thicker and stronger... And Then He came along, and I could see the wall I am building getting   weaker and weaker, and trembling here and there and bricks one at a time are falling off from random places....

RJ  was sent into my life to  better it....

And our paths crossed in one reason only...  Never forget where you came from......  make best of it with what you have...

Freedom....

What freedom means to you might not be what freedom means to me.
For some  of you freedom simply is getting away from kids, going to bar, date night, spa, nail salon.. etc...

For some freedom is to go and sleep around  spread lies and hurt people , and do whatever the fuck else  they want. And then they get away with it, because they are so amazing manipulating this freedom of theirs...

For others it might be getting home, taking off all clothes , turning on zen music and just enjoying comfort of being home.. And of course there are those who does not believe that such thing as freedom exists...

We all have our freedoms.... But are you really free?

For me journey to  MY FREEDOM started years ago.  At that time I was not quite sure what I was searching, but I knew I wanted to be "free".  Free does not mean single, or alone, or lonely, or lost, or doing my own thing.  Free for me means-  able to   live my life on my terms, and able to let go whatever does not allow me to blossom and accept it all that feeds my soul the way I don't never have to hide again.

Freedom is a beautiful thing but sadly not everyone understands it.  When I  go to bed at night . Lay my head to pillow. Close my eyes, take a deep breath in, and then breathe out.....  Think about  what my mission is..... And with that... I know I had the best possible day , with the best possible outcome... It does not matter how rough it was-- it was still the best day ever, because I am still alive . I am still breathing and I still have a vision..

Freedom for me means - to be me and to be accepted by others the way I am...  And when you find that tribe of yours... You know you are finally home....