Happy Birthday to my son....

My  Second born is turning 16 in 42 minutes... He was born on june 22nd , just 22 minutes after midnight.   He is perfect in every aspect..

He loves pasta, and macaroni and cheese, and corn dogs..  And sushi and sashimi and Japanese curries... He loves his games and cosplay.

After introducing him to piano and ukulele and guitar... He chose drums as his choice of instrument and he has been successfully playing them in school concerts ...

He loves building robots, and arguing , and being right... Don't even try to debate him.. He will talk  you to death... I am not lying... That is him.....

 He is turning 16 .. and I have not seen him since september.

Not a day has gone by , that I have not thought about him..  Not a moment... He is always in my mind..  I know he is in excellent hands. I know My ex and his new miss are taking good care of him..  But as a mother....   I know I would have been taken better care of him :)    

Lot of people have asked me, if judge ordered that etc.. etc... NO...  I made conscious decision mycelf to return to states without him..  Me and my ex did not use lawyers or mediators, or  other stupid legal shit people do here.... We did 2 week las vegas divorce...


So, please , do not ever judge me from your standpoint....  We all live our lives the way it works to us...   And as hard as it to admit right now... THis works for me.

But I came to another scary realization ... I completely understand how fathers , who had to give up to their children  because of court order feel....     You will never stop worrying and wondering, and praying, and wishing them the best....   I have compassion and love to every parent who had to make this decision, or decision was made for them....  KEEP  YOUR CHIN UP!!!!!     Keep your mind and thoughts positive, and everything will be ok ......    And  tell your loved ones you care about them, or love them, or miss them, .. And mean it...... xoxoxo... ALways mean it.....

Hi... How are you?

 Once in a blue moon, when someone asks this questions my eyes light up...

TOday for instance,  I went to  Trader Joes, and It is my favorite grocery store to shop at for my  grocery needs.  I bought a bottle of pinot, low sodium turkey, hummus and case of water... Before that of course cashier would ask me- "HOW ARE YOU, YOU look  great, love your hair"....  And that just made my day.    I did have amazing day today, managed to have great workout at gym, and run tons of errands and then did sunset hike.. SO when she asked 9.30 pm about my day,  I just started glowing...  And I told her...  it was amazing day and I am about to head home have some wine , eat turkey and listen to tons of music... And she started laughing and said... She will skip the turkey, but can't wait to be reunited with wine and  dinner....   And that is why I love Trader Joes...  Every time I go there - even to buy a bag of chips, some worker has something to say about it, or suggest perfect snack combo to go with it.. and they are always on point...

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE TRADER JOES!!!!! I think maybe that is one of the reasons I wanted to move back to USA from China....


 But how am i really ... In reality, I am living one day at a time, ....  I am trying to spend as much time in nature as possible, because I realized , that is what makes my mind calm, relaxed . I am not overthinking , I am not obsessing, I am not sad, I am not anxious when I am near natural mother nature...   I have been making conscious choices that would benefit my well being, and I am happy universe has been co-operative....

Same time... I do miss going dancing... Loud music is therapeutic as well.. Dancing it all out... Being one with the rhythm... I just wish I had that perfect partner to go out to LET IT OUT!!! SO sometimes late at night, I put on my high heels, my fave dress  .. find my Beats, and let my music take over  every sense that is alert and active..... I dance it out...   And I fall asleep smile on my face :)

I do what works for me...    You do too....   Getting to know who I am has been pretty damn amazing journey....  And it is not over....   I will always be a hot mess...   But I want to be hotter mess :D   I want to be more selfless.. more free, more caring, more appreciative, more confident, more loving, more accepting, more trusting... And last but not least-- More ME....

xo..  just my 5 cents for tonight....... I want to be more fabulous.......

oh.... if you wish to see my Instagram feed.. my ID is  dontmesswithdiana

She would not like to be like most girls....

This is the year - Regina would graduate High School... And this would be the last year for me to obsessively post about how I feel about my baby......  I am letting it go... I have to let it go. I have to make peace with it... I have to let her rest in peace..... And finally I found her a place to rest....

  I have had many dreams about her over the years...

WHen I lived in Asia, I almost never dreamed about her...

But when I moved back, it got out of control...   I dreamed about Regina about 2 times in ever y week.. . it was too much for me to handle...  But dreams would never stop.

 There were - and still are times I wake up in cold sweat   seeing her Gebe and her playing .. There are times I see dreams I see me getting  little frustrated with her--meaning me trying to teach her how to read or do math, or "forcing"  her into research program  she did not choose, but it was best bet for her....

 I will always feel it all....   I would feel every emotion  I ever hear from every parent going through having  their child getting sick... ..

But at this moment .. .I see my   beautiful Regina  going to prom,heading off to University.... having a boyfriend... ....



and and and....

I want my People reminding me I have a son who needs me equally as much...



I am well aware what is happening in my life....

One thing I want to tell you is... As much I want to leave this all behind...  Never talk about it, etc... It is not my thing...


SHe is here... I feel Her every day next to me...

Never tell me it will get better.. ........  Loose  your child.. then chat with me about these topics......