?

I used to be emotionally available......


....

And?

Today I did almost 5 hours of babysitting.   I am using couple of websites to get babysitting jobs.  And I don't mind doing it. Families  in a area where I live are nice and kids are mostly well behaved.  And it is more money than starting in retail or restaurant business.  But  as one of my good friends stated..   I have not  giving my 100%.   And I understand what she means.

I have been thinking about lot of crazy things...  A LOT... crazies one  is moving to somewhere I have never lived before...   I don't know why it is such a crazy thought, but it just  speaks to me.   I really want to live near beach.. Near water, or complete opposite is somewhere in mountains-  in a log house...  Just minding my own business.    But still.. near lake, quiet , still...   Just silence...  ;) Big bear would not be such a bad idea....

I wish people would stop telling me what to do... YES, advise me  or guide me, but please , don't tell me what to do....   Tell me you are here for me, tell me I will get hurt... But don't tell me  what to do......  You are not paying my bills, you are not waking up every morning in my bed, and you are not definitely living in my skin.   You live close to my heart, and there are only few of you whose Advice I would take...  And you know who you are...

In this blog I write down my good thoughts and my bad thoughts... SOme days I am frustrated  and  other  days I am ready to take the world.. Some days I feel handy capped, and maybe few days after  I feel like a rock star...  We all have our days...

 Past few weeks have been interesting , and past couple of weeks have been hard.  ANd valentines day approaching, and  memories of kids being young and enjoying it.. is hitting hard again, and the fact... I don't think I have had valentines date for years...    So valentines day for me is cursed...

It will be me most likely babysitting kids.. then coming home, making me something yummy to eat... and then  going to bed Just like every other day.

I tell myself every day... Treat yourself well Gurrl... And I am doing it.  As horrible as some people have treated me...  I have to forgive them. ....  sooner the better....   and I have to forgive myself for allowing someone to treat me in a ill mannered way. .
"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."...

Yaiks.... SUre... why not...

This is my latest motto... WHY NOT? WHY not jump head first into unknown again, I have done it all my life.  And as much as most of you would love to scold me for my decisions... SEE where it all has taken me...  I  had pretty damn amazing adventures in my  short life.  My closest friends know all my heartbreaks, and struggles, but they also have to see, the stories I have made for my tree of life.... Stories I would not have been able to make, if I did not take stupid  learning experiences....


 ANd I am craving more.  I hate to admit it, but I realized I am adrenaline junky. NOT doing roller coaster rides, or sky diving, but   chasing the high or unknown.... while, keeping my 2 feet on this ground...  Yes, it does sound naive, but it works for me.

WHile I am writing, I am still staring at my ceiling of row of 3 lights that are not aligned right... ANd I am fucking paying almost 3000 dollars for this apt... THese lights are driving me insane... Just like  I drive myself insane, when there is something out of order in my life...  Internally....  Right now I am fine.. more than fine....

B U T...

SO many people have told me, " Well, you have to know yourself by now?"  You should be remarried  and living the life .. blah blah blah... It is all bullshit....

And I am like.. SURE.. .I do know who I AM...  I am PERSON...  I am MEEE...  ANd
same time, I never want to limit myself to be that ONE ME.. There are so many amazing sides to me, and they are all good sides..  And one day...  When I ace what I was meant to do, ( besides being awesome ),   The ONE will find  me ..  And the life we will make will be extraordinary.....

Ordinary is not a word  in my vocabulary...


Hi, My name is Extraordinary Hot mess. What is your name again?

What is it?

 I have been holding back with writing for a while.. Not because I have nothing to say.  I DO,  I do  have tons to say, but why should I say something during times it is just words.......  And I don't want to mistake my words and feelings...So I just did my thing...  stayed away...


I am confused again ... And I have been thinking and listening to my  friends.... Listening- meaning gathering wisdoms they give me - FROM , their current reality ... and wisdoms, and experiences..... that match with my reality. But It still makes no sense for me....

Because in my opinion  we only  hear what we want to hear from our current mental status....   And  we grow only from what comes from us... Making tons of amazing learning lessons..

Please learn.. .Please, cry, feel vulnerable... BUT ONE THING NEVER FEEL... don't feel like you cant turn to your friends with your worries... .. Even thought they might not agree with your current situation...  THey are still your friends..

SO what they have not suck  one amazing dick for months... They are still your friends... Maybe they did it week ago, maybe they have never done it... Depending of their orientation...  SO...   Keep them in mind when you are going through rough patch.......  It helps...

AND .. if you don't know who your friends are... Tell them about sucking dick.. ANd if they tell you FUCK OFF..... they ain't your friends ;) or they they just need more time accepting who you are....

Love.. Di...