So here I am. Now I am in Estonia. Past 7 months have been pretty intense. California, China, California again, then China again, then Nigeria, and now in Estonia. In a month I will be back in China, packing my belongings, and heading out of there permanently. I just can't be there anymore. I wasted enough time there, just letting valuable time tick away slowly. But this move will come with a price.
I am moving away from China alone. Leaving my son behind. He will be in great hands- living with his father and his 2 young siblings, but my heart is still bleeding. I already got tons of shit from people- like- how can i do such horrible thing, and your son always needs his mother. I am not intending to die, or abandon him. I am just moving back to usa. Yes, it is away from him, but sometimes one has to sacrifice something. Only those who have been in my shoes will understand what I am going through - to others.... Don't judge.... You have no idea.. Of if you want social experiment - go for it and do it.......
I feel useless in China. I can't work anymore- due to very strict police check ups. Imagine cops knocking at your door once in a while and asking for your passport, paperwork, permits and asking tons of questions why, how, how long and so on. It kind of starting to feel like prison. I am so done.
And in my relationship- I am taking a break. I know what I want. Problem with relationship these days is- people just are full of shit, and can pretend only for a second or 2 before all the talk becomes pointless. People pretend and say things that know will work for their advantage, and when they get what they want, they finally relax and forget about all the words said. And for me- if you tell me something- you better deliver it rest of your life. Don't take 100 steps back and hope that I let it slide. NO , f'ing way. I will get on your case and rape the shit out of your bullshit. So if you want to be with me, you better deliver.
I am at this point in my life- I don't care about tons of things- but I care about respect and honesty. I look for someone who can to listen to me and wants to know more about me. Not only those aspects that will interest him, but all the aspects of me. What makes me laugh, what makes me cry, what is my favorite song, perfume, food, sleeping position, drink. How Do I like my coffee, and not constantly ask-- you sure you don't want milk in it? I wan't someone too see beyond imperfections in me. I am not 20 something.... I am almost 40 and have my whole past written in my face. I carry tons of rocks from my past with me, and I wish someone one day will lend that helping hand and help me unpack. Instead adding more rocks into my hot pink imaginary backpack..... I want someone who is empathetic and caring... not only in words, but also in actions....
Maybe I am chasing an Unicorn who is shooting rainbows out of its ass. I really don't fucking know . Thought people get smarter with age, but seems like at this time and age, everybody is slowly dying. Everybody is so full of themselves, that it makes them hard to see that world needs more love than selfish crap. But who I am to say anything... I sound selfish to now- wanting that perfect once who was stranger to me to become what he said he'd be.... Maybe it is me who needs to grow up and just suck it in and stop expecting miracles..... After all I am the Miracle .....
Been divorced since 2013 ... And have been walking away every single relationship since then .. my standards are way to high.... But ain't gonna settle for less.
And it's not gonna dim my light. Show must go on. Life must continue and heart to will be mended again.
Till then- I just keep smiling at people who got it... WATER IT.....
Lots of love from my heart to yours... xo
No comments:
Post a Comment